Panic At The Disco


It’s a party.

It’s a freak out party.

Sorry folks, no RSVP seating here, no VIP lounge, nope, ain’t got that for you, ain’t got the time, ain’t got the velvet ropes to hang out and seclude myself from you.

I am right here.

Right now.

I will say this much about the experience, thus far, having not actually attended a single class, graduate school is a lot of fucking work.

I spent a lot of time today doing the next right action.

Scratch that.

I don’t like “right” or “wrong” for terminology.

I spent a lot of time doing the next action in front of me, first things first.

I did not want to get out of bed.

Did not.

Did not.

Did it anyway.

I set my alarm, I got up, I did lay for a moment, less than a minute and ponder what it would look like if I just stayed in bed, threw in the towel, and said, “fuck it.”

Then I got up.

I swung my legs out of the bed and went to the bathroom and got my day started.

I took care to do the things that needed to do and I did my routine, thank you little routine for helping me get settled into my day, a day that has been just as busy, if not more, than a day I go into work.

I suspect that this is the new modus operandi for my life.

When I have a day off I will actually work harder than when I am at work.

I will think harder, I will write harder, I will read more–although if given the leeway I will do my best to read whenever I can at work.  It’s challenging to do so, there is always something happening at work, but I will give it the old college try, haha.

Pun truly fucking intended.

I striped my bed down and put fresh sheets and pillowcases on it, I won’t be sleeping in my bed much for the next month, but damn it man, I will have fresh linens when I do enjoy the comfort of my own bed.

“You know, some people live like this, they be all jet set and everything,” my housemate smiled at me with a sally in her voice when I expresses to her that I would be much gone for the next few weeks, the next month basically (and what did I tell you, I got asked out by a cute guy just a bit back, I am on a few online sites, for a bicycle ride, sorry dude, unless you’re going to have that bicycle at Burning Man I’m not available for a month, maybe even five weeks.  Am I worth waiting for, hell yes, but you know, that’s my opinion) with a quick pop in and out next Sunday and perhaps a stay the weekend following.

But yeah.

I will be gone from the 9th, tomorrow until the 8th of September (maybe the 7th or as late as the 9th).

The retreat for school is the 9th through the 16th.

It last longer that afternoon than I had realized and I am to come back to San Francisco only to hop out to the airport and rent a car so that I may spend the next two weeks working in Sonoma with the family.

I will come back to San Francisco for the school orientation on Tuesday August 25th, but only for the day, and go right back to Glenn Ellen to work until the 28th.

I may come back for the weekend of the 22nd and 23rd.


I may very well stay in Sonoma having received and invitation from a friend to stay at his place in Sonoma if I need an escape hatch.

I said I would take him up on it and I’m going to play it by ear while I’m working with the family that week, it might be really beneficial for me to have my own quiet space for my down time.

Which won’t be down time, really, I’ll be reading and writing.

Just like I did today.

Almost all day today.

With a few exceptions.

That being getting right with God, reading my daily readers, writing my morning pages, and hopping on the N-Judah to head up to the Inner Sunset to sit in a folding chair and share about how freaked out I am about graduate school.

Problems in areas I never had areas before.

I went to bed weeping last night with the fear of what was happening and the dawning realization that I was woefully unprepared as I realized I may have not bought all the correct books for my classes.

That I was already behind on the reading and only to be more behind as I didn’t have the right reader or text books.

And I was correct in the assumption that I had mistakenly purchased the wrong materials.

Fortunately I did not go to bed last night without firing off a quick e-mail to the assistant to the professor who made some good suggestions and yes, I will be a bit behind on the reading, but not as bad as if I just showed up with what I thought I was supposed to read.

The good news?

I had bought three out of the five courses correctly.

And, thank God, I mean, really, the course that I had done 9 hours of reading for already, was actually a course I am in.

Thank you jeebus.


The two other readers and books that I have that aren’t for my cohort I will bring with me and see if anyone in the other cohort wants to buy the material from me.

I bet I make somebody’s day when I share that I have the books for them to buy.

As for the ones I don’t have.


I did order them online and I will get them and I will catch up.

Or I won’t.

But I took the action.


I read everything I needed to otherwise listed on the syllabus for the first class that was online, including listening to an hour-long podcast of a lecture for the class and yes, that’s right.

I wrote my first paper for grad school.

I had joked previously that I had so much reading prior to the actual classes happening that I wouldn’t be surprised if I had a paper to write as well.


Joke’s on me.

There was an update paper listed in the class for which I don’t have the books for.

The material I needed to write the paper was online though and I read it and more and then, yup, after I ate dinner (I did my self-care today too people, let me not discount that, a little grocery shopping and some cooking for the next few days as well as setting aside the last of my Burning Man food prep, I am so not going to have time to do it and I am so grateful I have been slowly amassing all my needs, I’m pretty much done except for the packing it up part and some tinkering with my playa bike) I wrote my first graduate school paper.

At four pages not too big an assignment.

1,100 or so words, a four page reflection paper on the online reading I did for the course in preparation for the first class on Monday.

I have to express right now two things.


How grateful I am to this blog.

The steady, persistent writing and outflow of words that I have done in this little online space for the last five and a half years is a practice that has so prepared me for graduate school writing, I cannot even express how happy I am for having this habit.


Which is really apart of the above expression.

I’m a hella fast writer.

I know the QWERTY board really well, I’ve been writing on my laptop, this one or my old one for so long now that I can kick out a four page paper in about an hour.

I e-mailed it off to my professor.

I proofed it, spell checked it, read it out loud.

And if it were pertinent, I might have included it here, but it’s not, so suffice to say, I did it.

Which means that I have written three times today.

Read, although not completely through to the end of each piece, five different books, listened to one hour-long lecture, and read, I think, five articles.

For a grand total of over six hours of reading.


Working harder on my day off is now the new normal.

I can see that.

And I’m not as panicked.

And I took good self-care.

I cooked, I did some laundry, I sat outside and enjoyed my meals in the sun–when it finally broke through the fog, I did my own personal writing and got my get right with God for an hour, plus, and here I’m just going to pat myself on the back, I even went for a walk at sunset and caught the last kiss of light on the face of the ocean.

To come back here and read another hour and half before sitting down to do this.

Write my daily blog post.

I may not continue to do this, writing of said blog, but for right now, I think I need the pressure valve of doing so.

It’s a relief to dump my thoughts out and to acknowledge not really to you, darling reader, but to myself, the amount of work that I did and that it really all comes down to sitting down and doing the work.

And today I did the work.

And tomorrow I’ll get to do the work again.

And so on.

Ad infinitum.

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