Um, I Think I’m Like


A grad student.

Or something.

It just really struck me as I sent off the next paper in what seems like an endless stream of papers, that I am really in graduate school.

Like.

I’m getting my Masters in Pscyhology.

Huh?

Sometimes I just feel like I am supposed to be in a therapists office, not getting trained to be a therapist.

And school.

It’s almost become normalized for me.

I have a routine, it’s tight, it’s full, but as someone said to me this evening when I was catching up with them after doing the deal, “if you want something done, you give it to someone who is busy.”

Ha.

Yes.

Busy.

That I am.

But I am getting it done and despite or perhaps because of the anxiety I feel every time I have a paper I have to write, I am moving forward.

I am getting the reading done.

I am staying on top of the papers.

I have not sent in any papers late and I have sent in every single paper I have been assigned so far.

And though I am not entirely sure that I will have all the reading done for this next round of weekend classes, I will have had a lot more done than I have for any of my other school weekends.

This is the most on top of it I have been.

It’s been this steady finding my way through the papers and the readings and setting up a routine for me.

I seem to do best when I read a little bit every morning and I do the paper writing on the weekends.

This weekend I techinically had two papers that I had to get done, but I couldn’t pull it together to do the second one.

ALthough it was shorter, 3-4 versus the 10 page guy that I had to pull out on Saturday, it took a lot more mental space than I wanted it to.

And so I had to do it tonight.

On my work day.

When I really did not want to, but I knew that I was going to get to.

And in the getting to get to write the paper.

In the getting it done before it was due and not procrasitating, I felt like a grad school student, I felt like an adult, I felt on top of things.

And this is a nice feeling.

What is not a nice feeling is the up coming phone appointment I have with my Psysh(e)analytic professor.

She has been out sick for sometime, we were supposed to meet in person, but what with trying to get to everyone she has been reduced to setting up appointments to discuss our papers over the phone.

Between her schedule and my wonky schedule I am going to be discussing my Freudian dream state paper on melancholia and mourning via the phone tomorrow night at 8:45 p.m.

It was to be at 8:30 p.m. but the stress of getting home on my bike whipping out my laptop and queuing up my paper to have a conversation with Milly D and why I used 10 sonnets to write my paper to discuss Freud was making me hyperventilate on my bike coming into work today.

I pulled up fifteen minutes before the start of my shift and stretched and called her back and gave myself another few minutes to navigate the phone appointment.

And she said the cutest thing.

“Now if this is a stress, you just let me know!  This is supposed to be a fun learning experience.”

Bless your heart, Mildred Dubitzky.

That might have been the best thing a professor has said to me since I started this program.

A fun learning experience indeed.

Rather than one that makes me feel like a might throw up every time I am in it–T-Group.

Or one in which I am so stressed I fear I will never be able to deliver all the deliverables being asked for (five reaction papers, a final class presentation project with handout, a chapter outline and powerpoint presentation and so much reading I could choke a T-Rex), hello Human Development class.

Or any of the other experiences I have had.

There has been joy.

I won’t say that there hasn’t.

It’s just been anxiety riddled too.

Which is funny.

Ha.

Fucking.

Ha.

I am in school to be a therapist and I get to practice first coping with my own anxiety.

Thanks for the learning experience grad school!

I am learning.

Learning a lot.

Learning that I am intelligent and capable and that I have a strong work ethic and that I work hard and I get it done.

I show up.

I am accountable.

I am not always happy.

But I am more often than not serene.

Except.

Well.

When I am not.

But.

I have faith in the experience.

I have seen it demonstarted again and again that I can sit down and write and get my point across, and I remember a lot more than I feel that I do and I make connections.

And I use a lot of post-it notes and pens.

Note to self.

Stock up on pens at Walgreens this week, I’m about to run out.

Might as well get some post-it-notes too.

I still have papers to write.

But nothing else that is due this week.

Thank the lord.

I just have to do more reading.

But there’s always that.

And considering that I just did a ton of work.

I am going to stop with the reading for the evening, make a snack, drink some tea, and watch a snippet of a video.

Life is good.

Especially when the papers are turned in!

Advertisements

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: