I Got A Christmas Tree!

by

Yeah.

I know.

I am a dork.

So what?

I am a happy dork.

A very, very, very, very.

Happy ass dork.

Bwahahahaha.

Oh my gosh.

My heart is so full and bursting with love, it rather hurts.

But it’s that good kind of ache, that feeling when your face hurts from smiling a lot, my hurt hearts like that.

It’s an ache I can get used to.

I am also full and heart happy because I received the most beautiful gift from a girl friend today at school.

Oof.

I’m crying.

I just got so much love in this short little period of time.

I am almost overwhelmed by it.

Monstrous love.

How you try to eat me up, but I a still standing.

I shared something with this girl friend our last session at school, how I once had this angel ornament from when I was a little girl.

She was a porcelain angel, a little girl angel, with brown hair in a pink night gown with little bare feet underneath her kneeling legs and the smallest, prettiest pair of white porcelain wings.

Her head was bowed and she was praying with her eyes closed.

When I was a little girl I would think of that little Christmas ornament as me, as my best self, as that perfect little angel–literally.

I felt like a tiny bit of my soul was thrown away when I discovered I had lost that angel, that it had been thrown out in the trash.

I had forgotten about that angel until I saw my friend the first day of our class retreat across the room from me in a gigantic circle.

She was kneeling, her hands resting on her thighs, relaxed, yet alert with a kind of grace and lightness about her and she glowed.

Yeah.

I know.

Maybe it was because she was backlit.

Maybe it was because I was just actually seeing her true self with no filters.

Just this warm, white glow.

Sometimes people are lit up for you to see.

You just have to take the time to stop and notice them.

We had our reunion today at school.

She lives out of state and commutes in for the weekend.

It constantly amazes me the students that do that, hell I bitch about commuting from the Outer Sunset and there is a woman in my cohort who commutes from Miami, Florida.

It was wonderful to catch up and she told me she had a little something for me.

My birthday is next Friday, but I won’t see any of my classmates after this weekend until next semester.

Wow.

That is crazy to write!

Anyway.

She gave me the gift and said, I was drawn to it, it reminded me of you, open it when you get home.

I gave her a big hug and stuck it in my bag, and though I did not forget I also was distracted by a text that told me I had something waiting for me at my door when I got home.

I pulled up on my scooter after refueling at the gas station (figured I was going to have to do it tomorrow, might as well get it out of the way tonight) for the grand total of $1.63 and I peeked into the gated area of my house.

I didn’t see anything.

I thought, oh, I bet my housemate took what ever it was inside and left it by my door.

I secured my scooter, grabbed my keys, and went in the gate.

And there it was.

The tiniest.

Sweetest.

Most adorable little Christmas tree ever.

My heart, like the Grinch who stole Christmas, broke open four sizes too big and my face broke out in a smile and I laughed with pure joy.

I got a Christmas tree!

My darling, sweet, dear friend had left me a Christmas tree on my door step.

Am I the luckiest girl in the world or what?

I brought it inside.

Arranged my kitchen table.

Tucked my school books away for the night and took out my box of Christmas ornaments from the entry closet.

I strung it with blue lights and hung it with ornaments and my heart grew bigger and my smile grew brighter and well.

I think I just became this beacon of pure love in my little home.

I unpacked my present from my school girl friend and set it under the Christmas tree.

Perfect.

Absolute perfection.

I smiled some more.

I really was the fucking biggest dork, I don’t know if I could have let any one see me in these moments, even now I am a bit ridiculous with my glee.

Then.

I opened my gift.

Oh my goodness.

An angel.

A beautiful angel with brown hair.

Tiny wings on the backs of her strong shoulders.

Hands clasped behind in humility.

Eyes down looked and close.

Serene look on her face.

Roses.

Yes roses in her hair.

And these words carved into the fabric of her long dress:

Seeker

She could 

hardly believe

all that 

was waiting

when she 

finally opened

her Heart

and followed

her TRUE NORTH.

 

Excuse me while I collapse with tears.

The thing is.

It hit me while I was beginning this blog.

It was like she gave me back my little girl angel.

Except.

All grown up.

Alive, whole, beautiful, stronger for having been discarded, standing on her own feet, wings open behind her, serenity etched on her face.

I felt this wash of sorrow and grief open in me and flood out of my heart for the little girl that I had lost and for the gift of her coming back to me.

More alive and real than I could have ever imagined back when I was so young and struggling and lost to the wiles of the world.

I am still seeking.

And may I seek forever and for always.

I know, though, I am well on my way and loved.

Oh.

So.

Loved.

I put my angel at the foot of my Christmas tree.

My little guy is too small to bear the weight of the angel.

So she will be my anchor and my acknowledgement of who I am.

Of how far I have come and.

Most importantly.

How I shall proceed.

From a deep abiding place.

Of

Compassion.

Joy.

And.

Love.

 

 

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: