My People


Showed up tonight.

In the rain.

In the wet.

In the cold.

In the bad, horrible, when did it get this nasty to drive in San Francisco, traffic.

In the it’s almost Christmas time holiday madness of it all.

I had a fabulous time despite it all.

“Look at us,” I said, “the doctor, the nurse, and the entrepreneur.”

“And the graduate student!” My friend said.

“And the birthday girl!” My other friend said.

We toasted with tea cups and water glasses and split a great big delicious beet salad and I had an organic hand cut pork chop.

That’s my dessert.

Meat.

Such a treat to see my people and so unexpected.

Sometimes that is what happens.

The people you plan on seeing aren’t available and the ones you never suspected would have the time to get together, are.

It was so very, very, very good to be surrounded by these fabulous friends.

We were a small party, just four, but it felt so good to connect and catch up and see how life is treating everyone and share about my life too.

“Carmen, you are enough,” my friend said, his eyes so wide so sincere, so spot on with the turn in the conversation and the constant growth opportunities I have gotten to experience over this past year.

He brought big old walloping tears to my eyes, I could hardly see to blow the candle out on my piece of pie ala mode.

Oh posh.

I didn’t eat it.

I didn’t order it either.

But when the server gets peeped that it’s your birthday, dessert is brought with a candle and I was well prepared, having had said delicious pork chop and a decaf latte, yes, I am that person too, I realized tonight when I wanted the taste 0f a coffee but did not want the staying up until the wee hours of the night.

I have my person to meet in the morning.

I have a mani/pedi I want to get in.

I have a few small errands to run.

I have a paper to write.

I have things I need to do and I need to rest to do them.

Suffice to say, I am still going to be up past my bed time.

I only just got back in a snick ago.

I also had some house keeping to do.

Laundry in the dryer, folded and put away, some straightening and organizing.

I need to pack tomorrow too.

Although that will be further down the list.

The flight on Sunday is at 11:35 a.m.

I’m getting a ride to the airport, which is lovely, so I don’t have to worry about taking an Uber or the train, but it’s still an early start to the day and I want to have everything that needs to be done.

Well, done.

If I could cancel on my person I would.

But I can’t.

I need to be accountable and it’s a huge part of my self care.

I can’t do shit if I’m not taking care of myself.

And there is always a new growing edge, a new way of seeing things, a new place where I find I need to work here too.

So much stuff.

So much the learning and the surrender and the letting go.

You’d think that as a lady who just turned the ripe (luscious, scrumptious, boy do I look good and I’m single, hey) old age of 43, that I would have learned and done and learned it all by now.

But.

No.

There’s still more learning to do.

I’m alright with that.

I have surrendered to the reality of my life.

To the best of my ability.

In just this moment.

I may go back to the struggle tomorrow.

But for tonight.

I am serene.

I feel like I am coming up for air and I am suddenly seeing the world.

Bright, smeared with color, lush and bold and ready for me to partake.

It could also be that I am on the cusp of having an actual vacation.

It was my Friday today, appropriate that it is Friday as well, and I won’t have to be back to work until Monday, December 28th.

I am on vacation.

Of course.

It does not feel like vacation yet as I still have another day of work to do in regards to school.

But.

It’s almost there.

It is almost there and yet, unaccountably, still feels so very far away.

The actual going to Paris.

The grand gesture.

The big romance.

With myself.

I plan to woo and court and pursue myself like no one’s business in Paris.

When I was living there I was so scared about money and had so little coming in, I didn’t let myself do as much as I wanted to do.

I didn’t splurge on oysters on Christmas Eve.

I didn’t ride the ferris wheel at Place de la Concorde.

I didn’t buy myself tea from Frere Mariage.

I didn’t buy that one hat at that one shop in the Marais.

I did a lot of things.

Don’t get me wrong.

I saw so much art my heart is still brimming with it and I had so many amazing and wonderful experiences.

But.

I did not have the experiences I wanted to have most.

I was too scared of the financial repercussions.

When you don’t know where the money for your next meal is going to come from or rent money for that matter, it’s hard to relax and  enjoy yourself.

I plan on enjoying the fuck out of myself and my experience.

I also have a little buffer.

I got a bonus today at work.

It was a nice bonus.

(And the sweetest card I teared up in front of my employers)

And now I have a little extra to spare.

I won’t be getting crazy.

But.

I will be letting myself have the experience I denied myself before.

I suspect that there will be a few more souvenirs in my bag when I come back and a host of amazing experiences that I am allowing myself.

Giving permission to myself.

Gifting myself.

Because.

I am enough.

I really.

Fucking.

Am.

 

 

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