I Really Don’t Know


How that happened.

I mean.

It’s 9:15 p.m. on a Saturday and how the hell did that all get done?

I do know I started my day with a little anxiety that it would not all get done, that I would somehow fuck it up and the day would be blown.

It didn’t help that someone mentioned House of Cards came out with its season 4.

Fuck me.

I did not need to know that.

Suffice to say I probably will not be watching that until I finish this semester of school work.

The writing is beginning to thrum up and I had to do the first of two papers that are due this upcoming weekend of classes.

I just finished the first one and to celebrate fell into a temporary Hello Kitty polka dot slippers for adults internet black hole.

I do not know how that happened.

Innocently facecracking and then, whomp!

In Hello Kitty never never land.

Get me out!

I had other Hello Kitty experiences today, but I get a head of myself.

I knew when I woke up what I had to do and what I wanted to do and I wasn’t sure they were going to coincide with each other.

I also knew that I had to basically put my recovery first, really, always that first, otherwise nothing else will follow, which meant doing my morning routine, some reading, some prayers, some writing, breakfast, coffee, dress, make up, hat on the hair, out the door out to the MUNI train, or bus, damn it they’re still doing work on the tunnel between Duboce and Cole Valley, and up to the Inner Sunset.

The first half of my day was pretty much devoted to that neck of the woods.

I went to see some fellows at 7th and Irving at 11 a.m.

Then after to Tart to Tart to get down with some inventory’ing and heart laying bare.

Surprised, always surprised, by the insights granted to me.

Emotionally wrung out and also a little remiss that we didn’t finish, I really thought we were going to get it all done in one sitting, I mean, four people on it, that’s so small, but we went pretty deep, and stuff it came the fuck out.

Whew.

So.

I took it easy, meandered out to lunch, said, screw the yoga, go get your nails did.

Done.

Back on the train and the rain started to fall and the wind started to bluster and I’m in flip flops since I don’t want to ruin my pedicure.

which I ruin anyhow.

Sigh.

Then.

Off to the Middle Sunset, just after 19th avenue.

I had an adventure to go on,  a field trip for school.

Which I had to do today.

I had to have an immersed, experiential experience for a paper, the one that I just finished writing, and no, I don’t know exactly how the words come, but they did and I knocked out four pages at 1627 words in 11 point font.

What is up with my professors?

I mean.

Fuck.

I’m glad I double checked the syllabus to see if it was a paper that I could e-mail to my professor or if I had to print it off.

Print it off and hand it in.

Then, I saw that yes it was double spacing on the paper, but fuck, 11 point, not 12 point font.

Fortunately the paper was also 3-5 pages and I wrote a full five in 12 pt.

I did lose a full page when I adjusted down the font size, but I still had four pages.

It was actually a lot of fun to do the exploration and I saw things that I have never seen before and had a little adventure in being a human.

I am also grateful for the weather.

The markets on Irving between 19th and 22nd are bustling and jam packed on the weekends, the blustery winds and rain kept the stores a little less jostled and full.

I was glad for the space.

I went into about four smaller markets before I went into the behemoth on Irving and 22nd, the Sunset Supermarket.

It is huge and it’s all Asian and nothing’s in English and I had my submersion experience for sure.  I was the only woman in the store that was not Asian, I did run into an older white guy buying something and a couple of younger guys out front picking through vegetables and trying to figure out what to make for dinner, but other than that, all Asian all the time.

All the noodles!

All the soy sauce.

All the packages with pandas and Hello Kitty in the snack aisle.

I wandered and looked and felt like the elephant in the room, but also, it was rather cool, to be in a new place, to not know, to be surprised, and to also see how human we all are.

And how little I know.

I mean, there is just so much to learn.

I could not learn it all.

I never will.

I will always be a beginner.

In something, at all times, I will never be entirely proficient at all the things all the times.

There is just no way.

And I can choose to be overwhelmed by it or I can rejoice in the differences and the constant availability, if I so choose, to learn, to explore, to experience.

I also was absolutely and utterly surprised to come face to face with a gigantic tank of catfish gaping and bumping their whiskered faces against the glass fronted aquarium.

There were tanks and tanks and tanks of fish.

Live geoduck.

Stacks of shrimp.

More tanks with lobsters, crabs, urchin.

I didn’t get too close, it was crowded, loud, bustling, and I was getting a touch overwhelmed by the whole adventure, and I also felt that I had enough to write about and it was time to head home.

I left the store, walked around the corner and got the best surprise yet.

I don’t know why I stopped, but I did, I saw something out of the corner of my eye, that’s odd, what kind of delivery truck is that?

I looked at the side of the tank, Chinese symbols, then underneath in small English print (slightly larger than 12 pt, but not by much) I read: Live Fish Delivery Vehicle.

Whoa.

One man stood next to a large tank on the truck bed and scooped a huge net into it and lowered a pile of flopping and flipping and squirming fish into a large Rubber Made garbage can on wheels, while the second made sure none of the fish flopped out.

Extraordinary what I get to see when I go outside my comfort zone and do something different.

I continued in that vein, outside my comfort zone, and showed up for another yoga class today.

Yup.

I had said screw yoga, but as it turns out I made it back to the hood in time for the 4:30 p.m. class and I decided to go and not think for an hour and fifteen minutes and get my yoga on.

I’m sore.

And I was tired.

But I dashed up to Other Avenues after, picked up a few things to round out dinner, and came back here.

Hot shower.

Hot, homemade dinner.

Hot tea.

Then.

Sitting and feeling myself in my body.

I flipped through a few readings from my Multi-Cultural class, did some online research about the demographics of the Inner Sunset, heavily Asian American, and started writing.

And somehow.

It came out.

Even when I wasn’t sure what I would be writing, it just came out.

Grateful for that.

Grateful for this little blog, she (I, I always mean me) gets me in some trouble sometimes, most times though, it’s a delight to have this practice, it helps me process and the practice of writing every day, twice a day, well, it comes in handy with writing the grad school papers.

One down, one to go.

Not tonight, though, no more tonight.

A cup of tea, a video, and yes, sleeping.

I am tuckered out.

T u c k e r e d.

Out.

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