What Other Secrets


Do you have?

He asked.

As though the sexting wasn’t enough?



Fuck me.

I just so don’t want to think about school and work and school work and all the things that I need to do this weekend, but I’m not going to be able to do any of, well, just not on Saturday anyway, because I have committed to going to this birthday party.

I am going to have fun if it kills me.


To get back to the first part, I have been sexting, heh, I might be doing it while I write this blog.

I should say sex-mailing.

I’m not on my phone.

I got rid of Tinder on my phone, but I did make one interesting connection before I took it off my phone again.

And yes.

We were sexting.

Like mad crazy sixteen years olds.

And it was fun.

And it was a release.

But when dude cancelled on me I was a little miffed and said, fuck this, I ain’t got time for this shit.

That was a few weeks back and I’ve been moving and shaking and getting stupid anxious about getting my papers written for school next weekend and all the reading.




Look who sent me a message.



I did respond.

I’m not right now, in case you were wondering.

And he is sending me the e-mails.

I’m a writer, I’m good at the sexy e-mails.


I also know it’s just a way to blow off some steam.

I don’t intend to meet said paramour, I don’t have the time to work that out.

Should some sexy action happen to sneak into my schedule, I am not complaining.

But I am not going to go out of my way to check out around it right now.

I will keep on keeping on.



I did let my other little secret out.


I watch videos after I blog.

Yeah I know.


My secrets.

It’s this sacred time that I have, a little unwinding time.

The blog is necessary and vital and I don’t want to give it up, at least not right now.

But my secret half hour to forty-five minutes of down time at the end of the night is something that I have been contemplating giving up.

Focus more on school work, maybe get up extra early and go to an earlier yoga class and then come back here and do more school work before I got work proper.

And no.

I am not giving it up.

I am keeping it.

And I am just going to let the clickety clack of crazy thoughts roll their stupid way through my brain and out the other side.

I have nothing to be so fretful about.


I am busy.

But I am going to be ok.

I really am.

I am also not going to get up early tomorrow and go to yoga and do homework before work.

I am going to get a proper amount of sleep and get up and read the rest of my Psychodynamics class reading, half of one article to go, read the uploaded article for Multi-Cultural class, figure out when the paper is due for Dubitzky, and do as much of the Ethics reading I can get my brain wrapped around.

Then let go of the rest.

Saturday is a no fly zone.

I have decided.

I will do yoga, I will do the deal, because that’s what I do and I also get to finish up with my person and go over my sexual ideal with her on Saturday, a manicure, some eyebrow waxing, lunch out, run some errands, get dressed up, and go hang with the ladies.

Sunday I have ladies to work with and I am hoping to sneak in a yoga class, but I will drop it if I can’t get the papers done.

I won’t let go of taking care of what I need to take care of, sit in a chair, get comfy in a church cafeteria, but I might not venture far from home.

Plus, groceries, food prep, ugh.

I got a handle on laundry, that’s happening right now.

It got a handle on it all, the crazy making brain just wants to tell me it can’t be done.

But it can.

I can do this.

I am up for this.

I don’t got this.


I don’t got nothing, really.

A lot of attitude.

I’m just fucking fumbling right along, tripping over my toes.

But hey.

I’m honest, I’m up front.

I’m crazy.

But at least I know it.

I realize also that I don’t have time to date.

Fuck, yes.

I mean.

I have time for sex.


Just not dating.

And on my schedule at my time.

On my terms.

Safe terms, hello.

Which means.

Either negotiating some sexy time with someone I have had sex with before and who is not in a relationship, because I don’t deal with that, no, or just holding out until I get done with this semester of school.

My person was right on the money with me tonight.

I don’t have it in me to really pursue a romantic dating relationship, as much as I want one.

Ultimately that is the goal.

Being in a loving, committed relationship with someone who can keep pace with my bohemian, eclectic, high energy, sexual self.

But until then, and really if I barely have the time to give my girl friends time I don’t have time to give to another man romantically.

It’s just not fair to expect that from anyone right now.



Make out.

Pressure release.



If sexting seems to be it at the moment, so be it.

Better than nothing.

I always get what I need.

The time it happens.

The writing will get done.

The homework will get worked out.

I would love to grind out my anxiety with partner.

But do I need to?


That’s why this lady has more than one vibrator.


Hell I just got most of my vitriol out here.

Sometimes the writing is the release and I don’t have to take it anywhere else.

I just need to pretend that I am.

And that helps out a lot.

More so than the sexting.

More so than the fantasy of hooking up.

Just showing up here, to this page, and dumping out the anxiety of the day.

The rest will follow when it follows.

Until then.

I have a video to watch and some tea to drink.

And sleep.


Some of that too.



Thank you.



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