I’m Done With This Week


I know.

I know.

I still have tomorrow to deal with, but it’s just been so off kilter this whole week.

Finding out I basically can’t do Burning Man, that still is surreal.

The losing the keys.

The weird hours and days when I have been at work, but the family hasn’t been there.

The play date I didn’t know about that was an all day play date.

Ugh.

I am done with this week.

Seriously.

One more day and then back to “normal.”

I know, there really is no normal in my life, heh, but, there are schedules and times and routines that I have a longing for.

I’m flexible, but I feel like I have been ultra flexible this week and that it has sort of bit me in the ass.

That being said it was nice to get out of work early tonight and hit up a spot I haven’t been in months and see some familiar faces and get the message I needed to hear and be accountable to my recovery.

Good stuff.

And tomorrow is Friday and Friday does go by quick.

I will be going into work early again and then I’m helping out with a commitment at my normal Friday night spot, I’ll have a little time in between, perhaps a little sit down somewhere, maybe dinner out on my own, or a little snuggle down in a big leather chair in a cafe I like with my not school book book.

I’ve started my reading for the next round of classes but I haven’t really got too far into it since things have been so up and down all this week.

All in my head, mostly, in my heart.

It still seems crazy that I can’t do Burning Man.

Although I did offer the family that I was going to nanny with an option to have me for half the time, but I haven’t heard back and I don’t suspect that it will work for them.

I think I just have to surrender to the idea that this is really not happening for me this year.

I haven’t told the family I work with full time that I won’t be going yet, I guess that’s the next step, but I found myself way too busy and yet with scads of down time–a play date can be a lot of extra work and it can also be an awesome distraction that keeps my charges engaged and busy–to take up the discussion.

I’ll let it play out when it’s appropriate.

Today was not appropriate.

It was really good to see the boys though.

Really good.

“Carmen, Carmen, Carmen, I missed you!” This littlest guy flung himself at me and hugged me fierce and long.

“I missed you too bug, a lot,” I squished him and squeezed him and ruffled his hair and kissed him.

“I missed you too,” I told the older boy who was deep into the Magna tiles when I came in this morning.

He sort of grunted at me and continued playing.

Yet, just a few minutes later when I had hung up my jacket and put my lunch in the fridge and taken care of sorting myself out, he crawled right into my lap and happily let me hug him and catch up and listen to tales of travel and adventures.

It was a very sweet reunion.

I could tell they were actually a little upset that tomorrow is Friday and the last day that they will get to see me before it’s the weekend again.

“But you’ll be back here Monday, won’t you,” the oldest ask with much seriousness.

“Yes, all back to normal,” I said and kissed his face.

Even though change is coming.

Change is always coming.

I keep wondering what I will be doing instead of going to Burning Man.

Will I be sitting in the playground with the boys?

Will I be sitting next to another, friend or lover?

I haven’t spent that time of the year in San Francisco for ten years.

It is a ways off, I don’t have to focus on it, in fact, I don’t want to focus on it.

I have school to do, life to do, recovery to take care of, dating to get on.

Not that I have any other dates lined up.

But I am open to the experience.

I haven’t had any success with Tinder since last week, which was a great success, so I ain’t hating, I’m just interested in having another date.

Doesn’t necessarily have to culminate in what I got to experience last time, but I would like to continue trying and experiencing.

Plus.

It’s nice to be kissed.

Really nice.

My successful assignation hasn’t text me since he’s gotten back in town.  I know he’s back not because I’m stalking the man, thanks, but because the app tells you how near or far a person is.

He’s about seven miles out.

Makes sense.

I’m in the Outer Sunset and he’s, er, heh, seven miles in another direction.

But I’m not interested in pursuing.

He knows my number.

It’s not rejection, not being called, it just means that there’s another door to knock on, or another person to answer to who may be knocking at my door.

I can’t know if I’m turned around and facing the corner focusing on getting what I want.

So often what I want doesn’t serve.

Hey God who do you want me to date next?

Make it obvious ok?

Thanks!

No, really, thanks.

I don’t always pay attention to the obvious clues.

Unless they are married, then oh, I can totally tell.

Ha.

That happened the other night, I was being shined at and it was super flattering until I shined back a little and then realized, oh wait, god damn it, that’s a wedding band.

I usually look for that first.

I mean right away.

I don’t like to flirt with married guys.

It does NOT go well for me.

That’s another blog another time.

I don’t also do well with recently separated or divorced guys, too hot too fast, I tend to be some sort of rebound girl.

“I’m going to be that girl at Burning Man you talk about in stories later,” I laughed and stroked his cheek bones.  He fluttered his eyes open, emerald green and sincere, so, so sincere, and we all believe that sometimes, or I do, don’t I, that sincerest, deep stare straight inside your heart.

“Nope, you are not, you are so much more that that girl at Burning Man,” he said and then tucked curls behind my head, dusty curls, but curls none the less.

“I won’t ever forget this, you, the sacred and the profane, Jesus, you are beautiful,” he turned to face me and I could see the mountains out the camper window dusty, impervious, majestic in the distance, the smudge of playa dust at the bottom a haze of golden shimmer.

I stopped protesting my role in his life, accepted the love being offered and lapped it from his hand like a thirsty woman parched for love in the desert of her high noon soul.

Maybe it’s better I’m not going to Burning Man this year.

But I sure am going to miss it.

Something awful.

Something fierce.

Even though I do believe that Nature, who abhors a vacuum will but something more spectacular in its place, it’s just hard to see it from the welling of tears in my eyes.

This too shall pass.

It always does.

And in it’s place what is always left.

Will remain.

Love.

It is the only thing that fills the vacuum.

It always has.

It always will.

I just don’t know what it looks like.

And that is alright too.

Probably better that I don’t know, I’d try and fuck it up.

Here’s to new possibility.

Dreams.

Adventures.

And always.

Here’s to.

Love.

 

 

 

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