Working Out the Residual


Sad.

Opening up to the positive Carmen.

Yeah, I’m sad I’m not going to Burning Man this year, but you know what, that means somebody else gets to go instead of me and there is a very good reason for it, the beginning of my second year of grad school.

It’s not like I’m flaking out cuz I want to sleep in.

Or that’s it’s so different now.

It was better when.

I am not going because I made the choice to pursue a career that was actually suggested to me when I was at Burning Man.

And the friends that bore witness to that epiphany were in attendance today and I got to celebrate my friendship with them.

I also got to practice what my person, who I met with today, it was so nice to get back to meeting after the long weekend of school and get down to doing the deal.

I have two ladies tomorrow, it’s a good thing to have and a kind of accountability I really need to have in my life.

Especially when I can automatically go to what’s wrong with my life rather than what’s not right.

So much is good, right, and right on.

And I have a deep seated intuition, deep, that there is a really good reason for me not being on playa this year.

Maybe next year I just, um go, and not try and work.

Maybe I don’t nanny.

Maybe.

I actually still have the job offer for next year on the table if I want it from the family I was going to go with for this burn.  They left it there and said they want me when they can get me.

That’s a lovely bit of confidence from a family I haven’t even truly worked for, it stems from my referrals and from my experience on playa.

So.

For today I got to focus on, well, today.

It was a glorious day, so warm and sunny and delicious.

Perfect day for a baby birthday party in Berkeley.

So many little tiny toes!

So many delectable little elbows.

Sometimes I am sad that I have never had my own, but then I think, I have gotten to enter act and engage with so many children that ultimately I am the better woman for it.

And I also knew that I wanted to spend some time with my friends, two of whom are not in the coupled up with baby part of their lives, we formed a little love knot on the outskirts of the mini-wading pool party with swim diapers and baby bikinis and pool toys and talked about all things not so kosher at a children’s birthday party.

Which was probably why it was so delicious to be ensconced between the two of them and get my salty single adult on.

“I’m so glad you haven’t had any contact,” my friend and I talked dating after leaving the birthday party and heading back to all things San Francisco, tech, Tinder, Hinge, apps, grad school, life in general, you know.

It was a little shocking to realize that it’s been months, three, and some change and I could go down the sad route or.

“I want you to be positive Carmen,” she said to me today across the table from me at Tart To Tart.

She had me write about what it looks like to be entirely ready and I read what I had written and she has me being positive.

“Be positive, so you’re not going to Burning Man, don’t make it a sad thing, make it a positive thing.”

I’m not going to Burning Man and there is something amazing and awesome happening in my life instead.

I’m not seeing the man I was so close to, though nobody knew, everybody knew, who I felt so much love for, fan-fucking-tastic!

Look at how much time I have to do my reading for school and go to yoga and practice dating.

Rejection is God’s protection and that means there’s a better man for me out there.

By far.

Duh.

No date on a Saturday night and you look pretty and have on a dress and you’re hair looks good.

Great!

Go order take out and read your book and take a walk and let the wind play with your hair and when the cute boy, I mean, hello, smiles at you, smile back and although I was momentarily tempted to follow him down to the beach for the bonfire, he was a touch too, hmm, stoned?

But hey, thanks for the invite.

And no baby, I’m not interested in you because you’re smoking a cigarette and headed into Pittsburgh’s bar, but thanks for telling me I’m beautiful and have great tattoos and you really like my hair, really.

It’s nice to get complimented.

It’s nice to leave a tip on a take out order.

It’s nice to let someone else have more room in the grocery store aisle.

It’s nice to walk around my neighborhood in flip flops.

It’s so nice to go to yoga.

I’m not sad at all about what I’m missing out on.

I got some much needed down time and me time and sun time.

I’m positive that it’s all happening exactly how it’s suppose to happen.

My life is glorious.

I have so much.

To long for things I think I should have when I am sitting in the midst of such abundance is a futile waste of precious love and energy.

Be light.

“Lighten up!” She said to me.

Yes.

Go where the water is warm.

The light is clear.

And.

The love is bright.

There is nothing wrong.

I am positive of that.

Seriously.

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