Darling Little Day


Even though it started rough.

Wow.

Sometimes it’s a wonder I get out of bed.

The head games that happen before I have even swung my legs out of the bed, they can be a little, well, crazy.

I got up though, and once I got moving I knew I was going to be fine.

Even not knowing what I was going to exactly do today.

It was going to be fine.

So I did the things that help me get to that place of being completely ok with what is happening, fresh sheets on the bed, laundry in the wash, kneeling down, taking some minutes, asking for guidance and direction, reading some stuff, saying some stuff, and a nice mellow, relaxed breakfast.

Since I had no where to be other than the noon yoga class I signed up for.

I did a lot of writing.

That always helps.

I don’t even recall exactly what I wrote of, not that I normally keep track of it.

It’s rather like empty a drawer of junk and being open for what God wants to put into my day rather than trying to organize any sort of relevant thoughts or plans.

Plans.

When I make them.

Foiled.

All the time.

What then usually happens, especially if I’m on the beam, is the reality of my day is much better than what I had planned.

Yoga was like pulling teeth.

To get me to.

However, when I was there, it was amaze balls.

Like the best class I have ever had.

I did ALL the poses, I was in my body, I could feel a shift that’s probably been building for a while, but I felt so on and in the groove and just there.

It’s been four months and I am so happy I have stuck it out and kept going.

It’s hard getting there, my head will start telling me stories about how I don’t need to go.

Funny that.

How my head likes to tell me to do things that don’t serve, even when I know, with some other mysterious part of my being, that doing the very things I don’t want to do will actually make me feel better.

Take the contrary action, Carmen, it really works.

All the fucking time.

There is a solution.

Thank God.

And it is almost always the opposite of what the brain says to do.

Don’t go, you don’t need to, you’re tired, there’s other stuff happening that’s more important, yada, yada, yada.

Ad fucking nauseam.

Anyway.

I went.

And it was spectacular and my teacher told me that she wished she had taken a photo of when I first started, “you are so much more flexible, it is amazing, it’s the best part of my practice, getting to see people when they first start and then, if they are consistent, how they change.”

I really did feel good.

So good that I don’t want to go tomorrow.

Ha.

I know.

Right?

Like.

I worked so hard today, I don’t have to do it tomorrow.

But I do.

Maybe not yoga, per se, but I have certain things that I just need to do and I’m cool with that, it let’s me do all the fun stuff.

Which today, was really chill stuff, the laundry, the balancing the checkbook, the yoga, some grocery shopping, a nice hot shower, some pleasure reading, cleaning out my closet a little, I sold some stuff to Crossroads–things that were nice, but just never brought me happiness when I wore them, and then took myself out to a little dinner at Red Jade in the Castro.

Went and hung out with my people and did the deal.

Then I actually hung out afterward.

I went and fucking fellowshipped.

I haven’t done that in a while.

It was good.

I mean.

Really good.

Just to get reconnected to some friends and catch up and been seen and see fellows.

So lovely.

We went to Chow.

And I haven’t been to Chow in awhile and I love Chow.

I didn’t eat as I had already had my dinner, but to sit with a pot of tea and laugh and tell jokes and swap stories and be fun and just alive.

God damn.

I am so lucky to be alive.

It is just astounding, all things considered.

And tomorrow?

More yoga, even though I don’t want to go.

Heh.

Then.

Yes.

The pink hair.

After that a date.

I’m actually rather tepid about the date and have come inches from canceling.

However, I remind myself it’s just an exploration, see if there’s chemistry, have a cup of coffee, meet another person, let go of the results.

Show up and see what happens.

Like I said, if I don’t want to do something, I probably should.

Even if the date doesn’t go well I’ll have done something outside of my comfort zone and that is always a good thing.

It’s a late afternoon/early evening date.

So coffee could roll over to dinner, but it doesn’t have to.

I may have the evening free.

I may not.

I will probably want to show off my hair like the hussy I am, but that’s normal.

And I’m quietly pleased that my hair will be pink for Pride.

I’m not even a pinch hitter for my team, I’m rather fond of the opposite sex, but I love, adore, respect and have great admiration for the men and women and all the in between shades of humanity, after all that’s happened, I will be with the city at Pride this year.

I haven’t gone in a few years, it can be overwhelming, but I feel like the joy of being unified will outweigh the negatives of being in a big old crowd.

Plus.

I’ll be on that side of town doing the podcast up in Noe Valley.

Anyway.

I get ahead of myself.

I usually do.

Right now.

Right here.

It’s all right.

It’s all good.

In fact.

It’s pretty fucking spectacular.

Seriously.

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