Everything Is All Right

I mean.

I woke up this morning at 6 a.m.

Rested.

Relaxed.

And fucking fine.

Dare I say?

Right as rain.

I have no clue why, well, actually I do, I did some inventory last night before bed and sent it off to my person and that feels really good and I’ll probably do another bit of it tonight.

And fuck.

This shit works.

So grateful for a solution.

And that I have people I can bounce things off of when I am in a funky place in my head.

The sads passed.

I have no real idea, still, what I was sad about, sad happens.

Now.

The 20 month old today was SAD.

And loud and upset and had a huge melt down and there was no reading school books in Who Ville.

There was only calming down the baby who was having some big time abandonment stuff around the mom leaving.

She figured out that when I show up the mom is going to leave.

It is always heartbreaking and depending on the age it can be a bee line right into a temper tantrum.

And that’s what happened today.

Not the longest one I have ever experienced, but the poor little mite wore herself out with it and was sleeping on my chest by 9:45 a.m.

Hours.

I mean, HOURS, before her scheduled nap time.

And.

When I put her down in her crib she got really upset all over again, so I just took her out and let her sleep on my chest.

At times it was restful and lovely, in fact, for most the time it was restful and lovely.

The view was of Twin Peaks–they are at a high point in Noe Valley–and it was swathed in grey and the light rain and mist and fog swirling around were relaxing to watch and meditate to.

I got some quite time and though there were minutes of being annoyed, they passed quickly, that I wasn’t getting a fat juicy nap to do my reading for school, most of it was serene and soft and nice.

I mean.

Really nice.

She is a super sweet and very smart girl and it was a pleasure to work with her.

Tomorrow back with my regular family, plus an interview with a mom that was referred to me.

Then Wednesday, back to Noe Valley.

Thursday and Friday in the Mission.

And though I’m not a 100% behind all the moving around it feels like it’s a temporary thing and I am enjoying having some extra cash in my pocket as well as connecting to a very sweet family and their adorable brood.

Plus I am enjoying, immensely, being able to get out to the that thing I do in church basements every day this week.

That feels huge and really nice to get plugged in.

It always takes a week to get re-oriented after a weekend of grad school work.

I have a lot of stuff coming up on my plate around that, when won’t I?

But.

I am just doing what I can every day this week and letting go of the results.

I will have to write a paper this weekend, probably Saturday afternoon as my person is going to be out of town and we won’t be meeting and doing our normal Tart to Tart routine.

I was also thinking about how I heard a gentleman tonight talk about the stresses of school and I was like, brother, I hear you, and hmm, you are cute and want to start a make out group?

Er.

Hahahaha.

A study group.

Yeah that.

Sometimes the door opens right next to the door that shuts and as I walked past the shut door tonight I realized, wow, there is no there there.

And I had so much compassion.

For myself.

For the shut door and I got to let it go.

Oh.

Granted I got to talk it out a little tonight on the phone too, “oh, ho, I think there’s something still there, your voice sounds like a hammer every time you say his name.”

Oops.

“Men know when you are angry at them,” she concluded.

“Do some inventory and the next time you see him, give him a big hug and say, ‘it’s nice to see you’ and walk away.”

Yes.

I like that.

And hey, walk toward the open door.

Or stop looking for the open door and just do your homework.

Which is really what I’m all about.

That and seeing what happens regarding work.

I’m actually really starting to contemplate what it would look like if I took the position that I’m interviewing for tomorrow.

Granted.

Yes.

It’s only 30 hours.

But if my current employers want to keep me, and they do, two shifts a week, it could work.

I’m just going to show up and see and not have expectations.

Expectation leads to resentment.

I do have any more need for that today.

Really.

l am just relieved to feel so much easier in my skin, lighter, looser, like I am actually wearing life like a loose garment.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I know.

Cliche.

But sometimes there is a valid reason for the cliche, there’s a nugget of truth in it.

I could sense it when I was scootering up Lincoln Avenue on my way to work, the grey sky sprinkled rain down and the earth smelled so good, so alive, the pine needles in groves, the freshness of the morning.

I couldn’t believe my mood had lifted that much.

But it had.

And for that I am grateful.

Grateful that I know to show up and suit up, hey more cliches!

And to do that thing, whatever it is, that action, that is right in front of me and not get hung up on outcomes.

So much easier said than done.

Fuck me.

I can’t stop now.

Ha.

Anyway.

I’m feeling happy, joyous, free.

And it’s fucking right on.

Seriously.

 

Tags: abandonment issues, dating, everything is all right, faith, free, fresh, graduate school, happy, health, humanity, joyous, learning, life, Lincoln Avenue, love, moving on, Nanny, rain, recovery, relationships, scooter, self-care, walk towards the open door, work