I Did It!


I walked through some fucking fear.

I took some action.

I let go of the results.

I am still a little in fear of what is going to happen.

However.

I know that I will be taken care of.

What the fuck am I talking about?

I asked for more money from my future job.

Yup.

I took a huge, for me, leap of faith.

I have been sitting, quietly stewing in my own juices with a nagging resentment against myself that I finally addressed last night when I did some inventory at the end of the night and e-mailed my person what was up for me.

Granted.

I was a little sensitive yesterday.

It was a day full of anxiety and grandiose fear writ large on the face of my fellows and community and for so many people I have love for.

I had a hard time falling asleep.

I prayed a lot.

I let go of what was happening out in the world.

And I focused on what was going on for me, in my life, in the only place where I can change.

I did that writing last night.

I did some more writing this morning.

Then I got on the phone and I sent text messages out to a few friends.

And.

I made the phone calls I needed to make.

I got some awesome feed back and a lot of support.

I saw my part and I decided to walk through the fear.

See.

When I interviewed for this next job I didn’t ask for what I needed.

I blurted out what I make now.

I didn’t pause.

I didn’t respond.

I just reacted.

I then didn’t say anything to anyone because I was ashamed of myself for not being more proactive on my own part.

I have such a hard time asking for what I want.

I have a hard time asking for help.

I have a hard time accepting anything from anyone.

Gifts?

Jesus, really, why would anyone want to give me anything?

But that is old thinking and doesn’t serve, and I am deserving of love and joy and abundance.

I am.

God damn it.

And I deserve to be paid my worth.

“You do what for you family?” I have heard that statement a few times.

“Do they pay you more for that?” Another question I get frequently.

And.

“OH, my God!  You should be getting more than you’re making for that.”

Yes.

Thank you I know.

And yet.

There it is in the back of my head.

You’re not worthy.

You’re not enough.

Might as well go eat worms.

But I have done enough work, I have enough recovery, and I have so many people who love me and support me and want what’s best for me.

Well.

It tends to rub off.

And I have enough recovery to know that when I am shorting myself, I don’t like myself and feelings of martyrdom, self-pity, and victimhood that are being played out.

A scenario that I have often happily walked my way into.

See I used to be comfortable being miserable.

There was such a familiarity about it that I didn’t have any problem with it, was used to it, and kept perpetuating behaviors that would perpetuate the misery.

Then I got sober.

Then I got some recovery.

Then I started to re-wire my brain.

Not without an astounding amount of work, time, and help from others.

Oh.

And FYI.

I didn’t ask for that much of a pay increase.

I simply asked for a cost of living adjustment.

My rent went up this year as did my health insurance and it’s probably going to go up again when I transfer over to Covered California at the beginning of the year.

But back to the process of getting to the ask.

I owned up to my behavior and I saw that it was not serving my best self, not the self that I purport to love and want to take care of.

This is, just a quick aside, going to be something that I have to address as I move forward with my new career–you can bet your ass I won’t be making nanny wages when I’m a licenced therapist.  I might as well get used to asking for what I deserve now.

The owning up, the self-honesty was the biggest step.

Then telling on myself.

Then reaching out.

So that by the time my person did get back to me I had already made the decision I would be contacting my future employer and letting her know that I had made a mistake.

Before we sign a contract.

Before I am committed to working for them.

Before I start a job resentful that I’m not being compensated my due.

When I told my person what was up, she was like, of course!  You absolutely must, you just let her know that you blurted it out, you’re embarrassed, but you address it, and you do it now without shame.  You get a cost of living raise every year and that’s the end of the discussion.

Whew.

But not the end of the story.

I still had to come home and do it.

I just did right before I started my blog.

I knew I would not feel good going to bed without taking the action.

I apologized, I owned up to being embarrassed, I stated I needed to adjust my ask to incorporate a cost a living increase that I would have been negotiating with my current employers anyhow.

I asked for $.75 more an hour and additional $25 a month toward my health insurance.

It’s not a lot.

It’s more the principle than anything.

And I’m proud of myself for doing it.

Uncomfortable?

Sure as shit.

Scared?

Maybe a little.

But I know if this is not the right fit, I will be taken care of regardless.

There are other jobs.

And I really feel like it will work out.

What ever happens.

The results are not up to me.

I am just very happy that I took the actions.

That’s really all I can ever do anyway.

Take action.

Let go of the results.

Grateful for stepping up to the task.

Grateful I know that I am showing myself that I love myself.

Grateful to walk through the fear.

And I know.

That (wo)men of faith have courage.

Today I was courageous.

I bet I wasn’t the only one.

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