Speak To Me

In the language of trees.

Specifically.

In the whisperings of God dropping through the boughs of the giant avocado tree.

Said tree that I stand next to at times, times of the day when I am alone at work, out on the balcony to the world staring down at the bowl of San Francisco from my perch.

A  perch just on the cusp of Glen Park.

Borderlands to Noe Valley.

A perch of privilege, a deck of wonders.

Who knew there was such a view?

Or that God would choose the avocado tree to teach me of my love for you.

For a moment I could not even remember if you liked avocados.

Then.

The memory of the first time I cooked you breakfast.

(You requested, something simple, like avocado toast, which you got, as well as prosciutto and asparagus fritatta with pecorino and grueyere and fruit, all organic and curated, and granola parfait, said toast dusted with sea salt collected by the soft milk white hands of virgins under the new moon–at least that is what I told you,  as it cost $58 a lb)

How I wanted to please you.

How I wanted to make you happy.

How I wanted to impress you.

And yes.

How I wanted to show you how much I loved you.

Although the words had not been uttered out loud.

They were there.

Lingering in the cast iron skillet I sautéed the asparagus in.

Late spring asparagus I had culled with much discernment at the market.

Everything needed to be just so for you.

You may see how mad I was to impress you.

See.

Here.

Here are my list of skills.

Cooking, obviously.

Did I tell you that I know how to make pie crust from scratch?

I know I must have enraptured you at some point with tales of apple pie and vanilla custard ice cream in the house in Windsor, in Wisconsin, with apples that I picked myself from the Cortland tree.

Apples that to this day I can taste faint, sweet, crisp, with a wicked whisper of tartness that reminds me of you.

You flavor my ways and days and the memory of you wicks through me some times with terrifying speed.

I digress.

Apples.

Apple pie.

Apple tart kisses, my bonny boy, my blue-eyed one, my love, my love, my ardent heart.

I digress.

Where was I?

Oh.

Yes.

Skills.

Cooking, cleaning, pie crust making, massage, poetry, recitations, love-making.

We were oh so good at that last, weren’t we lover?

Digressing again.

I shivered, it felt like withdrawal, in the car tonight, on my long drive home, waiting in line on Lincoln Avenue for the light to finally turn green so that I could turn on to 19th and head to Crossover Drive, to float down the hills, rolling and soft, like a asphalt veld, to the sea.

To 48th and Balboa, my new digs.

You were the first person to see it.

Just the bones, you know.

Just the bare walls and the wood floors and the oh so, oh my God, is it really all mine, deck.

I almost kissed you there, in the shadow of the house, I wanted you to kiss me there, in the corner of my heart, in my new home and cement yourself even further into my heart, is that possible?

It is I think.

You managed somehow.

And though I did not kiss you, I stopped, startled, stunned that I wasn’t allowed to kiss you anymore, momentarily forgetful of this whole grown up thing we are doing, the no contact thing that we keep breaking, like my heart, trying to find our way through the morass and the mire to that high road of love, I wanted to.

I wanted to kiss you.

And I did.

Later.

But I am not at later yet.

For.

I digress.

The digression too becomes a part and parcel to the piece.

Does it not?

Where was I?

Oh yes.

I was shivering.

Shaking with need, a good addict response, what had triggered me?

Aside, not digression, I hate that word, trigger, so banal, so trite, so overused and misunderstood, excuses to act out on desires, I was triggered, I could not help myself, what was it that pulled my focus, that made me shiver.

The damn car wash.

Remember that one?

You know the one, when we were on holiday, what a horrid way to misuse that word, from our sexual appetites, trying yet again to figure out how to be and not be with each other.

We’re just “friends” now.

I knew then, but did not say it, there is no going backwards.

So when we were just supposed to be going for a ride, just supposed to be talking, how we ended up at the gas station with the discount gas if you should happen to buy a car wash.

No overheated teenager ever made out more furious with passion than did we.

I do not know how long the water pelted down but it was not long enough.

It was never long enough with you and I.

And then I’m turning, the light is green, it is time to go, and I let the yellow and orange and white lights of the gas station melt away in the rear view mirror, but the song is still there and I still feel you in the air inside my car, some sort of ghost in the machine.

Deux ex machina.

And I feel you seeping under that layer of skin between muscle and sinew and I cry, out loud, your name in the darkened shell of my car, the dashboard lights the only witness to my pain.

I half expected you to text me immediately.

You do always know when I am almost there on the ledge of love waiting to leap and always wanting you to catch me when I fall.

But you didn’t.

Text me, that is.

No matter how much I may want you to.

You’re not allowed.

I am not allowed.

We are not in that place.

Yet.

And.

I do not know the place exactly that we are in now.

So.

I talk to the avocado tree at work.

I pace the back balcony, the view of the city spilled out before me like a sumptuous private banquet that only I shall eat at.

The clouds, high, and tight in the sky, flick past, but are not big enough to blot out all that wide open blue.

That sky that does me in.

You had to have eyes the color of the sky, didn’t you?

Eyes so blue, so deep, flecked with green and gold and burnished with love.

Like the leaves of the avocado tree.

Leaves that when ruffled against the blue of the sky remind me of when I fell, headlong, heedless, and in absolute knowing, that I was irreconcilable in my love, into the blue of your blue eyes, straight through to the sea of your soul.

I launched out upon that sea and I have never looked back.

And though I am so far from shore.

I know, I really do believe.

That if I can just decipher the secrets that the avocado tree is whispering to me I will unlock the key and bring you back.

Back.

Back.

Down to the sea.

Where the driftwood bonfires burn brightly on the edge of the ocean and the mermaids sing each to each.

Do not make me wait to be old, a Prufrock figure, with trousers rolled, feet bare to the sea-foam, pushed about by incoming waves of salt sadness and sea bream.

Come back to me my love.

Come back.

At least please see me in my dreams.

Where once again I will fall for you with nary a regret.

Never a regret.

Over.

And over.

And.

Over.

Again.

Always.

Will.

I fall.

For.

You.

 

And That’s About Enough

Fuck.

It’s been a long damn day of study.

I’m all done in.

I could use another two hours of work, but I can’t do it.

I have written two different reaction responses to material.

I finished a book.

I read another dense chapter in another.

I watched one video of an hour and a half and launched into another four-hour documentary.

The level of discourse is deep and I appreciate all that I am learning and I’m tired.

Pooped.

Done.

I also am getting settled into my life, my home, my new space.

I got furniture assembled today and organized.

I hired someone from Task Rabbit to do the work and honestly, I’m so happy I did.

The woman was really kind and quick and it took her, a skilled person, she’s got great reviews, three hours to put together the furniture I ordered.

I did not have three hours to spare today.

I should probably not be blogging, but you know, the blogging saves my fucking ass.

I need to get all the cobwebs out and I need to process and this is where I do it.

Oh, I know, you’ve had to have noticed, I’m not blogging as much or as regularly as I have in the past, but I am doing it when I need to.

It feels like a need.

Just like writing in the morning feeds me and helps me to get ready for my day, the blogging helps me filter through everything that happened and helps me to not ruminate too much on what the day has brought.

It brought laundry.

My first trip to a laundry mat in years.

Sigh.

I’m not going to lie, its not optimal.

I wish I could use the laundry that is here at the house, but I don’t have access to the garage.

On one hand its fabulous, I don’t have to go through the garage to get to my place anymore.

“I am so jealous of your space!” The woman who came over exclaimed looking at my place.

I had to say, it did look pretty spectacular today, the sun was shining in the windows, my God it gets such beautiful light, today was my first time being in the space most of the day, so I got to really see how much light came in.

So much.

I was reluctant to leave today.

But I knew I had to.

I had to do laundry and I did it and yeah, it wasn’t super fun and I feel like the laundry mat rips you the fuck off with the cost of drying and dryers that don’t really dry, but it is what it is and I did study the entire time I was there, which set the stage for the writing that I did for my classes today.

I still have to do a response in one of my classes, I did two out of three today, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do more.

I had to shut down the video I was watching, which I have watched before for my Freudian Analysis class three years ago.  I remember being fascinated by it when I watched it then, now I’m just tired from it, it’s a bit dark and like I mentioned, four hours long.

That’s a long time to watch anything about psychoanalysis and I’m a psychotherapist, it’s material I do enjoy, but it’s a heavy-handed version of Freudian analysis and I just got a bit worn down by it.

Anyway.

I am happy to say that as my home becomes more and more realized, that I am resourcing myself by being in the space.

It is warm and sweet and inviting.

It is also pretty and fun and colorful and it smells good.

I like the good smells I do.

I can look anywhere in the space and I will find something beautiful to rest my eyes upon.

I really like it and I like how unconsciously I have found things that fit together in interesting and arresting ways.

I don’t set out to create these patterns, but they are there when I step back and look, colors that blend with each other, complimentary shapes and pleasing ways of things coming together.

I will, as I have mentioned, post pictures soon, but it’s not quite fully realized, I still have to get my dresser and it will get set up next week, yeah, I re-hired the woman who helped out today, especially since next Sunday I will be deep in a ten page paper.

I can’t spare the three hours of assembly the product says it will take to assemble.

I mean.

It’s hella cute and had I the spare time I would totally do it, I have the tools I have put together plenty of things before, but this is an active act of self-care to delegate this out.

I have to focus on that paper and I have some ideas percolating, so hopefully it won’t break me.

It’s going to be a big week as I end my time with Liberation Institute and say goodbye to some clients and to the group I have been working with the last year and a half.

I also have to get the rest of my things together for Grateful Heart.

Like now.

I’ll be sitting with a friend from school to design my website on Wednesday and I will be getting a phone number and setting up a Square Reader.

I need to research that too, find out how long it will take for me to get the reader, etc.

Jesus.

I just did it.

Now my brain is officially fried.

I just set up and ordered my Square reader.

I will get it sent to me in the mail and hopefully it will arrive, it should, by the time I have my first client who will be using a credit card.

This is happening.

I think I have done just about all that I can today.

I have to call it a day.

Or a night.

I’m cooked.

Time to make a cup of tea and wind down, get some sleep and leap into what is going to be one hell of a busy week.

Seriously.

So Very Pleased

I got a lot done today.

I hung all my artwork in my new home.

I got my new couch delivered and my new chair and they were quickly assembled and they got here ahead of schedule, which was so awesome as it made it possible for me to not only attend a Zoom session for school, but also get to my group supervision on time.

Effectively making it possible for me to even take enough time to do some much-needed personal grooming and pampering, I went and got a mani/pedi and my eyebrows waxed.

And no, I didn’t glaze out with some trash magazines but actually did homework reading.

My books go where ever I go.

That has become mandatory.

Even if I don’t think I will have time, I’m bringing them along.

One at a time I will get through the reading.

There is so very much.

And though a part of me really wanted to do more homework tonight when I got home from doing the deal, I realized that I needed to finish as much of my unpacking as I could.

I just needed to feel settled completely in my home.

I am pretty damn close.

Hanging all my artwork really felt good.

So too blasting some French House music.

My place is sound proofed, plus the landlord is away camping this weekend.

So I didn’t have any compunctions about using a hammer at 9p.m. at night and hanging up my art.

It feels so nice to look at my space.

My couch is freaking perfect, so to the chair and the pillows I got really work nicely, I almost didn’t get them when I was at the store and I even had a moment when I packed them up and I was going to return them, but something made me stop and I am so glad I did, they work really well and look hella cool.

I’m very happy with my couch.

And tomorrow I will get my coffee table, end tables, and bedside tables set up.

I actually hired a woman from Task Rabbit to do it.

I figured it was worth it to not frustrate myself for hours.

I will instead spend a great deal of time tomorrow studying and doing homework.

I have to.

My work week will be full on again as the mom is back from her work travels and I will have the baby full-time again, I may have some time to do readings, but I won’t have time to do writing, which is what I was doing a lot of in the early afternoons before I headed out to pick up the big kids from school.

So tomorrow is definitely a full day of study.

I have one ladybug coming over to do work for an hour and I’ll get out and do the deal, but other than that, I can’t do anything but the work.

Well.

Probably some laundry.

I will want to do that, but I’ll bring homework with me for sure.

It will be my first time going to a laundry mat in years and though I am not excited about that, I am quite happy with how my home has come together and it feels very good to be here.

There are still some things that need to happen for me to entirely settle in, I haven’t gotten a dresser yet and I still have some clothes in a big garment box, but for the most part the space is nicely curated and it feels like me and it feels fun and polished and warm and sweet.

Once it’s all set up I’ll post a few photos.

I really do love the fact that I got myself a pink velvet couch.

Pink is not my favorite color, but I do like it and the couch is just so very me.

A sort of vintage 1970s Paris couch.

It’s the best.

Yeah.

I am very happy in my new home.

It’s also quite a space of reflection for me, to see how far I have come in the last few years.

When I think about how I moved back from Paris with $10 and what I have now, it’s really astounding how much can change in five years.

I got my Master’s degree, I’m working on my PhD,  I went through a buyout (a San Francisco rite of passage now it seems), I found a wonderful new place to live, I have had the most intense romantic love of my life happen, I have traveled back to Paris three times since I moved back, as well as going to New York three times, New Orleans, Burning Man five times, D.C., Atlanta, and L.A.  I bought a scooter, sold the scooter, bought a new car.

I never thought I would actually buy a new car, and holy shit, I did.

I’m starting a private practice internship.

I am fucking living life.

And yeah.

It does get overwhelming at times, but I have a primary purpose and I’m sticking to that.

The PhD is an amazing gift to get to do, but ultimately, it is not the endpoint for my life, although I know it’s going to consume a good bit of my life for a while, it is not my omega point.

Love is.

Deep love.

Loving myself to the best of my abilities and spreading that love as far out into the world as I can.

And now that my home base is almost secure and safe and settled.

I feel that I will be able to do so with even more veracity and courage.

I am in a good place.

It is a challenge.

There are challenges.

No lie.

But I am in a good place.

And I vow to love as hard as I can from this place as I can.

I promise.

Really.

I do.

I Should Be Doing Homework

But I have done so much already today that I am taking a break.

I was actually just working on something now and it became very clear that I am at the end of my capacity for work today.

Granted it was not homework for my PhD.

It was homework for my private practice internship.

Said private practice internship which begins in eleven days.

Well, technically twelve.

I don’t have a client scheduled for the first day of October, but I do for the second and my lease and paying rent on said lease begin on the first.

Speaking of rent.

I am completely done.

Done.

Done.

Done.

I turned in the keys to my old in-law tonight and got the other half of the buyout monies.

I was so relieved.

It was uncomfortable, but not horrible, I could tell there were many things being left unsaid, especially by the grumbling way everything was said, but I didn’t care, I had the check, the keys were out of my hands, done and done and get me the fuck out of there.

The relief was so big I started to cry on my drive home.

Home.

I am home.

It’s nice to be here.

It’s official.

I mean.

It’s been official for a few days.

But tonight, it feels really official.

And I have a chicken roasting in the oven as I type.

Not that I plan on eating it tonight.

I already had dinner, cereal with an apple and a persimmon, but I wanted to cook, I felt it called for it, and making a roast chicken is easy and a pot of rice to go with it and I won’t have to think about cooking for a few days and dinner for the weekend won’t consist of me eating cereal.

Last night I ate out in the Judah and 44th neighborhood as I went over to clean the in-law after I got done with work.

I will add that the landlady begrudgingly admitted that the in-law was far cleaner than she suspected I would leave it.  I think she was rather surprised and though there were a few moments when I just wanted to say fuck all of this, I was totally committed to leaving things well and so I did.

I will get my damage deposit sans some monies for taking care of patching some holes from nails in the wall, which I knew would happen so not concerned, back pretty much intact.

Which is what I wanted.

And it’s done.

I am really quite happy to be moving on from this.

It was exhausting dealing with it all and stressful and anxiety ridden and I don’t know that I slept all that well in that space for the last few months.

Especially in comparison to how I have slept the last few nights, sound and tight and deep and sweet.

The moon kissed me awake last night though, shining through the back window on my face.

I thought of you, dearest.

I think of you often and wish I could reach out to you.

I know I can’t but it took all my efforts to leave you be tonight when I was driving home, driving home elated and relieved and grateful that I got through it all and wishing I could pick up the phone and tell you all about it.

You were the first person I called when things went south.

You are always the first person I want to tell things to.

I know that’s not for now.

But I hope that you felt it, my joy at the release from the situation, the shutting of the door and moving forward, the handing over the keys and lessening the load.

I hope that somewhere in your heart you know how very important all your support was to me during this time, even when you couldn’t support me more I knew how much you wanted me to be safe and happy.

I’m safe.

I’m happy.

I would be happier with you, I won’t lie, I believe that to be true, but I am also happy to be in a place I can truly call mine, with a signed lease and rights that I know and can advocate for.

Sigh.

So many things to tell you dearest.

I wrote you another letter in the notebook I keep for such times.

It makes it easier to write them down, the desires to talk with you, sometimes I will call someone else to get through it, but tonight, I knew it was just time to write you another letter.

A letter, maybe, perchance, you will one day read.

I do believe that’s possible.

I do have faith.

Love is love is love and our love has not died or gone away.

It’s just up on a shelf for a little while.

And sometimes I have to take it down and shake it a little, like a snow globe from Georgetown in the winter where the trees are dark and wet and the grey Potomac rolls smoothly by whilst you and I in a cozy restaurant listen to music that swells the heart and creates memories that I hold forever close in my hands, like your face, the last time I saw you.

Your face in my hands.

You still have my heart, my dear, please be gentle with it.

And be gentle with you.

I love you so.

And you’d have been proud of me tonight.

You really would have.

It’s done now.

I can move on.

At least in the sense of creating a new life in a new space.

I have not moved on from you.

I doubt I ever will.

I’m In!

And I’m writing this blog from my brand new kitchen table.

First new table kitchen table I have ever bought.

Ever.

I was reflecting on that earlier, I bought a new car last year, who am I?

I am very lucky.

Blessed really.

I just discovered someone who I knew really well as a child has passed of alcoholism.

My heart went out to her and the family, although to say it surprised me, it did not, just that I hadn’t known and she passed last year.

I am so grateful to be alive and having this experience.

Next time I tell myself that I am overwhelmed with school and work and the whole internship thing, I will remind myself that I am alive and for that I am beyond grateful.

Way beyond.

I am also moved into my new home.

I haven’t written my blog in days, or my morning pages either, not since Sunday Morning I think and I’m not sure when I blogged last but it’s been a few days.

Sunday was a flat-out run.

I was up early at 6a.m. to get myself ready and over to Alameda for a three-hour training for my new internship.

My God that shit is happening fast.

I have to get keys to my new office, close down my current client file (aside, another client is coming with!) and start-up my website, get a Square reader, get a phone number and get going.

I start with my new internship on October 1st.

Less than two weeks away, in fact, I see my first client two weeks from today in my new office.

Whew.

But I’m already ahead of myself.

Sunday.

A long three-hour training, then a dash back to the city and putting the rest of my stuff in boxes to move.

I had a dear friend come over Saturday in the afternoon and he basically just bossed me around and took apart my bed frame for me.  By the way, I needed the bossing around, I was so anxious that I kept getting distracted off task and he would get me right back on.  I was horrendously grateful for him.

Sunday I had another dear friend come over with his truck and help me move and he was a doll and put my bed frame back together again.

I actually got it all moved out and spent my first night here Saturday.

It was heaven to be in a bed, I’d slept on the floor (well, the mattress on the floor) the night before so I was really happy to be in a properly made up bed.

And I cannot tell you how nice it is to sit at a table tonight.

The last two days I have eaten breakfast and dinner sitting on the floor.

Which is fun now and again, I suppose, like a little indoor picnic, but I am so happy I have a new table.

A big table, a pretty table, a table that will do twofold work, my dining area and my work area, where I will be doing a lot of writing and very soon.

I have already actually written my first paper of the semester.

On Sunday.

Sitting on the floor.

I mean.

Fuck.

I moved out completely and I wrote a paper and I did a three hour training earlier in the day.

It was hard to make myself sit down and do it, I was so tired from the moving, but I had to, it was due at midnight.  I turned it in at 10:58 p.m.

And I just read my comments back and I did really well.

In fact, my TA gave me a huge thumbs up because I also put in a poem as part of the paper, a poem that was inspired by the time I was at the intensive and was also pertinent to the material that I was writing about.  I didn’t just use the poem to take up space.

I find this funny and endearing about myself, that I think that someone might think, oh, she’s cheating by using a poem to fluff up the word count on her paper, but most people who I know are intimidated by poetry and would prefer to just write the paper.

That’s not true either.

Most people I know aren’t interested in writing papers.

I, apparently am.

Although I still get good and nervous.

And that two-week thing?  When I start my internship, that is also the due date of my first big paper, an 8-10 pager.

So I have lots going on in the up coming weeks.

Getting the rest of my house together.

I have my couch (yippee!) getting delivered on Saturday along with the chair that goes with it, I have to set up the coffee table that was delivered a few days ago, I need a book-case and a dresser.

But I also unpacked, like I said, nearly everything, stored all my Burning Man things and notebooks and books that I’m not using in the basement, set up my shoe rack, hung curtains, assembled a rolling garment cart (my closet is small) and have set up my entire kitchen.

The only thing that is not sitting so well with me is that it’s cold in here.

I didn’t realize until my first night that there is no heat in the unit.

This has happened before, and it’s not a big deal, I’ve lived other places without heat, but I don’t want to live too long here without it, it’s cold out here by the beach at night.

So I ordered a space heater and that should be here in the next couple of days.

I’m just so happy to be sitting at my pretty table, listening to music, not worried about the noise, because my place is sound proofed, not that I’m loud, but you know, writing.

I have missed writing my blog.

I have a lot of things to do the rest of the week but I am feeling a lot better about it all sussing itself out, getting myself into my new place was the biggest thing and it’s done now.

I just have to go back and clean my old in-law, which I will do tomorrow after work and then on Thursday I will be returning the keys and getting the other half of the buyout money.

So happy this is almost at a close.

Ready to move into the next phase of my development.

I better be.

It’s just hurtling its way towards me.

Seriously.

Speed of motherfucking light.

I Have To Stop

Falling down.

Twice.

Twice in the last two days I have fallen down.

At my new place.

I’ve been going too fast, and I’m really aware of it, but shit, I don’t need to fall down anymore.

I bruised my hand tonight and last night I split open my left knee and bruised both of them badly.

But.

I didn’t sprain an ankle, and I could have either time.

Last night I had time in between my work and my normal Wednesday night commitment to run out to Bed, Bath and Beyond.

My studio that I’ve been living in has pretty much been furnished.

Down to towels and the compost bin.

So I have realized that I needed to get things to make my new home, well, homey.

Like bath rugs and towels and a compost bin, and a shoe rack.

Although I got a rack yesterday, it just doesn’t work for my new closet.

That was how I wiped out yesterday.

I was carrying the shoe rack into my place and completely missed a step going into it.

I smashed on my knees and for just a brief moment I thought I might have banged my left ankle, the one that I so badly injured a few years back.

I mean.

The ankle has never really felt fully healed and I’ve re-sprained it once, so I was scared and breathless in a heap on the floor slowly rotating my ankle in both directions.

I was ok.

I mean.

I wasn’t ok, exactly, I discovered later that I had cut through skin on my left knee, but I was pretty adrenalized and didn’t feel it.

I discovered it when my leggings stuck to my knee from the dried blood.

Tonight I wiped out as I had another load of things from Bed, Bath, and Beyond in my car to deliver, and I slipped on the freshly waxed floor.

I knew I was going to fast, I had my car double parked with the flashers on and I just wanted to get in and out.

So as I drove away I knew, I need to slow down.

I need to breathe.

I am anxious about this final push, moving is hard, it’s stressful, I don’t have as much time to devote to it as I would like.

Although every day I have been doing something.

Today I returned the shoe rack and replaced it with one that would work and I bought curtains, a curtain rod, and a shower curtain, as well as some pillows.

I also took over a bin of stuff from the house this morning.

I figured if I was going over to get the shoe rack to return it I should not go empty-handed, so one large box traveled with me.

I have also organized everything Burning Man in the garage, my tent, my bins, my camping stuff, even though a part of me was like, trash it, you’re never going back, you have five years of PhD to deal with, you aren’t going back forever…I couldn’t quite do it, so it will go into storage.

My new landlord acknowledged that there really wasn’t much storage space built into the studio so he is allowing me to store things in the basement.

I packed a couple of boxes of notebook and journals and books and my Burning Man stuff, my picnic basket, and some blankets and got it all out to the garage.

On one hand I haven’t that much more stuff, on the other, my brain is just hollering at me, move, move, move!

I’m trying to strike a balance.

As I am also trying to get homework done for school.

I have managed to do a little reading at work, but not as much as I was hoping, then again, I have to cut myself some slack, I really am doing every possible thing I could do.

I got my online bank account set up for Grateful Heart today too, so that was an accomplishment.

I am tired though.

I went to bed at a reasonable hour, but tossed and turned a lot before falling asleep and I woke up an hour and half before my alarm went off.

I just got up.

I figured, grab the shoe rack, return stuff, get more stuff, go to work.

And I did.

Plus I had a client tonight.

I really am doing as much as I possibly can.

I cleared up most of Saturday and only now have group supervision to go to.

I can’t miss that as much as I might like to.

So I hope to get a lot of it taken care of on Saturday.

I am in contact with a friend who may be able to help out with a truck either Saturday or Sunday.

I think I am going to have to break down my bed, I have been contemplating how I was going to move it and I think that part of it will have to be unscrewed.

It’s an Ikea frame, so there are 1,001 parts to it, but I think if I can just remove the head-board, I can do it in two parts.

I’m not sure what day it’s going to happen, but I’m leaning towards doing it on Sunday.

I think I’m going to need to sleep over here on Saturday night as I have another orientation in Alameda for my new internship.

That’s from 10a.m. until 1:30p.m.

So it makes sense to keep the bed here until Sunday.

If my friend’s truck is only available on Saturday then I will just move a bunch of boxes and my bicycle.

I’ll use the Lugg app to get my bed out on Sunday.

Then I’ll be coming back next Saturday to clean the studio up and make sure nothing’s left and hand over the keys.

As stressful as this has been I am grateful for this little studio by the sea, it’s been a good home to me, and, I am also ready to move the heck on.

I can’t wait to get my new place set up.

Did I mention how many windows it has?

Seven!

Whirlwind

It has been a busy couple of days and it’s just Tuesday.

I’ve been running around and cramming the extra stuff in.

Today it was therapy before work and a long day at work juggling new school schedules and dentist appointments, followed by seeing a couple of clients.

And last night it was a late night as I was busy….

SIGNING A LEASE ON MY NEW APARTMENT!

Oh my God.

I have a home.

I am so fucking happy.

I cannot even begin to express it.

I went over to my new home after seeing clients last night, so I was literally signing my lease at 9:30 p.m. at night, I hadn’t even gone home yet, but it was the time we could connect, so it was the time to sign.

I have a home.

God.

I love saying that.

And it really feels like it’s mine.

I mean.

The moment I saw the ad it felt like where I was supposed to be.

And it all fell into place so nicely.

It was like knocking over dominoes.

I am very happy to report that I will still be by the beach, even closer than I am here and I’m pretty close here.

My new home is at 48th and Balboa.

So, just on the other side of Golden Gate Park.

The ocean is literally a block and a half away, from my place now its three blocks.

And the commute is only one minute longer than my commute now.

I am very, very, very happy.

So happy.

That when I got home I packed a box.

I have packed three boxes now.

I’m actually not sure I can muster the energy to pack more tonight.

I am pretty pooped.

I was also so giddy about getting to be in my new home that I ordered a new couch and a new chair online.

The same couch that I had found the night I saw the ad and began decorating in my head.

I have gotten a few more things for the house as well.

My house is not exactly a house, per se, but it is my home and I am so over the moon at how lovely it is.

All brand new appliances.

Gorgeous hard wood floors.

500ft.

Which is quite big for a studio in-law.

My current in-law, though I don’t know the footage exactly, is 12 x 15.

My new in-law is 19×20!

Much bigger.

Oh yeah.

And loads of windows.

Seven to be exact and a sliding glass door out to my deck.

My deck.

Oh my god.

I have a deck.

Adirondack chairs here I come.

Bring on the hammock.

Bring on the studying in the sun.

Oh, I know, not always, it will get just as damn foggy on the other side of the park as it does here, but when it is pretty, like it has been the last couple of days, it is glorious.

And I honored what I said.

I paid the damage deposit and six months of rent in advance.

I don’t think I have ever written a check for that large of an amount before.

I don’t have to pay rent until March of 2019.

Yay!

I will also get the other half of the buyout monies when I turn in the key, so I have some extra dosh to throw at furnishing the place.

I literally have nothing.

Aside from my bed.

I have a nice bed.

But everything in my studio was staging stuff from my landlady, I basically have been living in a furnished studio for the past five years.

I am starting from scratch.

And don’t get me wrong, the furnishings here have been sweet, but they’ve never been quite 100% me.

I get to pick what I want.

Like, heh. I ordered a pink couch.

I know!

PINK.

But its gorgeous, it was $1000 less if I ordered on-line versus trying to find something comparable in San Francisco that I could just walk into a furniture store and buy.

It made sense to get it and I got a matching chair.

The line is called the Matrix and it’s by Article.

It’s done in a soft velvet rose and its circa 1970 Paris.

Mid Century Modern.

The chair matches.

I was in heaven when I ordered it, a tiny bit anxious about pulling the trigger, but really excited when I did.

I want to create a beautiful home for myself.

I plan on being there for a while.

I mean, I don’t want to have to move again while I am working on this PhD.

I signed a year lease which will go to a month to month after a year.

The landlord was looking for a long-term tenant and I assured him that I am such a person, that I really could see myself there for five years, as long as it took to do the PhD and that I didn’t want the stress of having to move during my program again.

I want to hunker down in a pretty little, heh, not so little, space and surround myself with nice things.

Not crazy nice, but you know, sweet things.

I deserve them.

I work so fucking hard.

And I’m not home that much, I want my home to be pretty and sweet, accommodating and warm, welcoming, nourishing, safe.

I have my own separate entrance, no more going in through the garage, and I decided today that I am not going to wait until next weekend to move.

I am doing it this weekend.

I had thought I would push it off, but I realized as soon as I packed on box that it was on.

I cancelled the few plans I could cancel, I still have to go to my orientation for my new internship on Sunday but I cleared everything after that and I managed to clear one commitment off on Saturday, although I still have to go to group supervision as well.

I am hopeful that I can pack the majority of my stuff on Saturday and then move it all on Sunday.

I sent my notice into the lawyer, haven’t heard back yet, but gave myself until the 23rd of the month.

I figure I’ll move this weekend and whatever I can’t get to I will wrap up with next weekend and then clean the studio.

I have changed my address for the post office, updated my address for my bank, and I have ordered a couple of things for the house to be delivered to my new address–laundry hamper and a compost bin.

I will try to get some furniture Saturday if I can.

I don’t want to order a kitchen table on-line, I want to get something sooner and I figure that I can pop into Stuff on Valencia Street or Harrington’s and get a good used table and chairs and maybe a few other odds and ends.

I can’t wait to get out of here.

I’m grateful for what the last five years has been.

But.

I’m more grateful to get to move into something better.

Much.

Much.

Much.

Better.

I Found A Place!!!!

I sign the lease tomorrow.

I am over the fucking moon.

Especially after the craziness of seeing all the open houses yesterday.

It was not  the place I put in an application in on yesterday, although I might still be offered the spot (I was told they would be making the decision by Thursday) and if I do I will be turning it down because I have found the best place for me and I will sign the lease on it tomorrow and holy shit did it just all fall into place.

I am just amazed at how nicely it all came together.

In fact.

It feels a little like a dream.

The only real draw back is that there is not laundry on site.

But whatever.

I have a car, I can drive to a laundry mat a few blocks away and take care of it.  I can use the time to study anyhow.

That’s the only draw back.

My commute will be the same, though I’m a tiny bit further away I will be commuting on roads that go around town rather than through town.

But whatever.

I’ll be commuting along the Great Highway, I will be getting to see the ocean every day on my way to work, not a horrible commute at all.

I just Google mapped it and it told me 21 minutes.

My commute from where I live now is 20 minutes.

So.

Really my commute is pretty much the same, I will leave home a half hour before work.

Home.

Oh I like the way that sounds.

I had no idea that I would be writing this when I woke up this morning.

I woke up and immediately looked for an e-mail regarding the place I emailed about last night.

I had seen it and I saw myself in the space.

So much so that I was actually looking at furniture to buy for the studio.

I mean.

I could just tell it was meant for me.

I was completely transparent in my inquiry.

I wrote about the buyout, I said how much money I make, what I do for a profession, that I had a large student loan disbursement, that I was clean and sober and a non-smoker with no pets and a full-time job and a PhD program and that I was an AMFT and starting up a private practice.

I mean.

I just laid it out.

So when I got up and didn’t see an e-mail back I was sad.

I mean, you should’ve seen the couch I had all lined up for this place.

But.

I went about my day and showered and did my morning routine and had a nice breakfast and did a bunch of writing and talked myself off the ledge, I had anxiety about starting in on my homework for school, and decided that maybe I should take a break today from looking at places on Craigslist.

This after I had placed a call to another apartment and left a message about wanting a viewing.

I even got pro-active and downloaded the application material, printed off my credit score, my bank statement, scanned my driver’s license and printed it off.

I thought, fuck it, just fill it out and have all the stuff ready.

Then I did some grocery shopping and when I was putting away my groceries I got the text.

I got the text!

They wanted me to come over today and see the studio.

We set a time and I was there at 1:15p.m. on the nose to see the place.

It’s perfect.

Lots and lots and lots of light.

Oh glorious light.

Seven, count them, seven windows!

Plus a sliding glass door out to the back, which may as well make it nine windows.

Everything was brand new.

Brand new hard wood floors, a beautiful dark walnut stain.

Brand new stove, a full size stove and full size gas oven, oh the cooking I will do!

A brand new stainless steel refrigerator.

I can’t tell you how exiting that is.

The fridge in my unit now is old and grumpy and makes funny gurgling sounds all the time and about six months ago it started to sound like a helicopter taking off.

Not all the time, thank god, but once or twice  every other day or so it will just start rattling and shaking and it’s not a fun sound.

I’m used to it, but man, it will be nice to not have so much noise.

The bathroom was renovated too and had these cute black and white tiles, fresh white paint, ok, so it doesn’t have a bathtub, but fuck, I’ve not had one in five years, why start now?

The walls had fresh paint.

It was just spotless and beautiful.

I wanted it.

I was leery about the no laundry, but when I stepped out the sliding glass doors I was sold.

I haven’t told you about the best part.

I have a deck.

I have a motherfucking deck!

I have a brand new, completely remodeled deck!

That is not shared with the owners of the house, who live upstairs.

Yes.

I am in another in-law, but the ceiling is higher, and they have sound proofed it, and, and, and,  and I have my own deck–the owners have no access to it at all, it’s completely mine to use.

It is huge.

I mean it is amazing, maybe 250 feet?  Maybe three hundred.

I can have a couple of Adirondack chairs, a table, a hammock.

A hammock!!

I can sit and read outside in the sun.

The sun finally came out today and it was gorgeous and standing on that deck, twelve feet above the back yard with the sound of the ocean greeting me, I was so happy.

I knew it was home.

I mean, I told you I knew it was home last night when I saw it and started furniture shopping for it.

I told the woman who was showing the place to me that I wanted it and when she told me that three other people had already applied and gone through a screener (which is a credit check and a back ground check combined) I knew I had to get proactive.

So I told her that I was willing to pay the damage deposit and six months of rent in advance to secure the place.

Her eyes got very big.

She was very happy to hear that.

I told her, here, take all this paperwork I had filled out for the other place and show it to your husband, I’m in.

I also said since I’m an AMFT I had no problem getting a background check I had one done when I applied for my license, I have been fingerprinted and the BBS did a full FBI background check on me.

I am so not worried.

I thanked her and smiled and said I really felt good about the place and looked forward to hearing back from them.

And then I went and did a bunch of homework.

Her husband got back to me this evening, said he thought I was a good fit and sent me the screener, and told me as soon as I was cleared we could move forward and sign the lease.   I did the screener immediately, passed with flying colars and tomorrow after work and seeing my clients I will drive over and sign the lease and put my money down.

I have a home!

Whoa.

OH MY GOD.

I have to start packing!

And go get that couch.

Hooray!

 

Driven

I did not fuck around today.

This happens when one, and I mean, me, is up at 6 a.m.

I actually woke up at 4 a.m. to use the bathroom and my brain attacked me.

I couldn’t fall right back to sleep.

So many thoughts in my head.

So many places I wanted to be.

I had a rough time getting back to sleep, so when the alarm went off at 6 a.m. I was not happy, but I bounded out of bed and jumped right into my day.

I was up early to do my morning routine and because I had to be in Berkeley this morning to set up my account with Wells Fargo.

Grateful Heart uses Wells Fargo and thus, now, so do I.

I also was up early so that I could get across town and pick up another associate who I have known for years who happened to get hired the week before I did.

She knew I had a car from doing orientation with me a few weeks ago and had asked if she could get a lift to and from the city.

I was happy to oblige.

I was thinking earlier of all the people who have given me rides here and there in the city and how nice it was to finally be playing that gift forward.

So yeah, I could have used an extra half hour of sleep, but it was really quite nice to be of service to a fellow.

We chatted and caught up on the way there and I think I may be developing a new friendship.

With a woman!

With a woman my age in recovery.

So freaking nice.

I have had some dear, amazing, special friends over the years, but San Francisco can be a bit transient, especially with the rents being what they have become and the cost of living going higher and higher.

We talked a lot about that.

I told her about my buyout and she told me how she negotiated down a rent raise at her current place.

A place that although she does not have rent control, but because she’s been there so long and it was in an area of the city that was previously not a delicious place to live in the city, is still relatively cheap.

When she told me what her new rent was I was astounded, it was $100 less than what I spend her on my studio and I’m paying below market.

I told her she could not move, that there really was nothing at all out there in the price range that she described.

In fact.

There is little in the price range that I was hoping for, for myself.

But.

The buy out.

And having taken a bit extra out in student loans for this semester, I have enough to get me into a place comfortably.

And I can spend a little more than I want, should I need.

I started doing some bigger price searches.

I’ve raised my rent to $2300 a month in my searches.

Part of me cringes at that.

That’s basically a thousand more than what I spend now.

But I can do ten months of that kind of increase with the money from the buyout and with the student loan disbursement after I paid tuition, I can cover a few more months of that and be in someplace much more expensive.

Because, fingers crossed, I will be making substantially more money as I go about setting up my private practice internship office.

I got the small business loan monies, that I have to pay back to Grateful Heart, either through fundraising, which I will shortly be setting up a GoFundMe account, or through the accrual of fees from my clients.

It wasn’t a huge loan, $1500, but that’s enough for three months of rent at my office space.

It doesn’t cover three months of administrative costs, or the cost of getting a Square account, setting up a website or doing GSuite, which I have to set up all of that as well, plus business cards, but it gets me started.

I can’t withdraw any money from the account, I can only deposit to it.

So now that I have the account number I can set up the GoFundMe and it goes directly to Grateful Heart.

I can be transparent about where the money is going, that it’s not lining my pockets, but setting up a base for my practice so that I can get started.

So that happened.

Then I headed back to the city, dropped my new friend/old acquaintance, and headed to my first open house of the day.

I had four that I wanted to make before I got to supervision, for my other internship.

Between the two internships, I put in four hours of work on my “day off.”

I didn’t know if I was going to make all four, but the one I wanted to see the most was the one with the earliest open house.

And in the end, it was also the only one that I applied to.

Fingers crossed people.

I was ready to drop all the money I could on it, but the manager had very strict directions for how the process was going to go and I couldn’t get into the conversation with him without it getting misunderstood really quickly.

Language barrier.

So.

I just made it very clear that I wanted the place, I filled out the application, turned over my credit report, my letter of reference from my job, and gave him all the information he needed.

If I get it, move in would be next Thursday.

If I get it, I’m moving in next weekend.

Like I said, fingers crossed.

The only thing it didn’t have that I wanted was laundry on site, but there’s a laundry mat a 1/4 block away, so I wasn’t too upset about that.

It was big, the main studio part wasn’t that big, really just a touch bigger than my main room currently, but the kitchen.

OOOOH.

So big.

I mean.

Really big.

I could have a huge table, which I have always wanted, I have always envisioned a great big farm kitchen table to spread out all my books and school work and papers on.

I once housesat for a man in East Oakland who had this magnificent huge dining table and I would spread out all my work on it, it was just lovely.

I could see myself in this studio, with a great big table, a couple of chairs and just acres of room to write and work and do homework.

The kitchen also had a full size fridge, a full size gas range, lots of shelves, two windows, and a pantry!

The bathroom was no great shakes, no bathtub, but a good clean space, and a decent shower stall, plus again, lots of shelves, including shelves outside of the bathroom.

I mean.

Really I want the place.

I did all the actions I could do, now I have to let go of the results.

And I really made an effort to get to all the open houses.

From the one I saw at 11 a.m. on Guerrero and 18th (location!!!!) then over across town, like literally all the way across town, to a one bedroom in-law in the Outer Sunset on 45th and Taraval by noon.

To a studio on the Haight, literally on Haight street, just in the lower part, not the upper.

To another studio on Fell Street.

All three were poor fits for me.

The in-law was cramped, dirty, and ill lit, low ceilings, bad light, I was like, no more goddamn caves for me.

I said thank you, no thank you and left.

Which was what happened at the next one on the Lower Haight, much smaller than the place on Guerrero and $150 more expensive.

No thanks.

Then when I zipped over to Fell Street, the studio was already taken and was no longer being shown.

I mean, literally some one did what I was trying to do at the Guerrero studio, but they managed to drop the cash to the landlord and get it.

There was an agitated man on the porch angrily texting a friend when I arrived who informed me.

Oh well.

So then I drove back over to the Mission and made group supervision with enough time to grab a salad from Guss’s Market and do twenty minutes of reading for school.

And that’s not counting the driving I did later.

I think I drove more today than I normally do in a week.

I am very, very, very grateful to my best friend for talking me into that car.

It has been such a gift.

So I took care of her too, my little marshmallow, and drove her to the car wash as well.

Before I did my evenings derring do’s.

Grateful for that car does not begin to even cover it.

Seriously.

Bits And Pieces

I’m slowly working things out.

I’ve not altogether gotten a rhythm with my school stuff, but then again, hey, you know, it’s Thursday and the intensive ended on Tuesday and every day since, including Tuesday, I have read something for a class, highlighted something, watched a full length video of a Harvard professor on the nature of knowledge in the age of the internet, plotted my calendar, downloaded and though I have not figured it out completely, started using an app called Mendeley, which allows me to import a pdf file to their site, save it and highlight it, thus alleviating some of my anxiety about really liking to highlight what I read, but not having been able to when I read something online.

I was tipped off to the program by a woman in my cohort who is super into tech.

I am super into grateful right now.

The work load for school is heavy and I am seeing where I can be as creative as possible with my hours.

Even today, I read for 8 minutes before leaving the house to work.

I really haven’t worked any time into my morning routine for homework or the like, but I know from my Master’s degree work that any time I have to spare I can read a few pages.

I mean, I knocked out five pages and that’s five pages less of the thousands I am going to have to read this semester.

I just have to keep taking tiny bites when ever I can so that when I do have the time to devote to the work I am not overwhelmed by the enormity of it.

I also have some grace periods coming up that I had forgotten about, but was wonderfully reminded about at work today.

The mom is going out-of-town for ten days and the baby is going with her.

Which means I won’t have my usual morning nanny routine.

Add to that, the big kids are back in school next week.

Finally.

Tomorrow is their last day of summer vacation, so to celebrate we will be going back over to Marin for a day of swimming and sunshine in San Rafael.

I am definitely down for some sunshine.

Frankly I have been a bit bummed that the fog is still here.

I don’t recall it lasting into September before.

I want my god damn San Francisco summer.

September and October, at least until about mid October, are usually really nice and warm and sunny.

Not this year.

Not yet anyway.

So a day trip to Marin seems just the right way to end the week with the family.

And next week what with the kids back in school and mom traveling I won’t have any responsibilities at the house, as far as childcare, until I do school pick up at 3p.m.

I’m scheduled to come in at 11 a.m. Mondays and Tuesdays and 10 a.m. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

First.

I won’t have to come in early at all next week.

Today, for instance I came in at 9:30a.m. to do the mom a favor.

I will have a straight across the board 11 a.m. start all next week.

Which means I could actually sneak in a half hour or so of extra reading in the mornings before work, note to self.

And since I won’t have childcare duties at the house I can also do work there.

Granted.

I will have responsibilities, I’m not just the nanny, I’m the household assistant and I’m often, four days out of the week on average, the dinner cook.

I will most likely be doing all the cooking for the family next week and lunch prep for the kids as well as any grocery shopping that needs to be done.

The mom is super proactive and there’s already deliveries from Good Eggs and Rainbow Foods and BiRite Market lined up.

I probably won’t have to do much grocery shopping, although I can, I have access to a credit card if I need to buy anything.

And there will be laundry and clean up.

I know what the house turns to when the mom is out-of-town.

So yeah, cleaning a bit more, but I should be able, from past experience, get it all done in the first hour to hour and a half that I am there.

Which means I should also be able to get in about and hour and a half to two hours every day reading.

I am really hoping I can knock some stuff out-of-the-way.  I’ll bring my readings, my laptop, and anything else that I need to get as far ahead as I can.  Any postings that I can do, I will do.

Plus, one of my classes has a lot of videos to watch–lectures mostly, but a few other things, that I could watch at work too.

I plan on getting as much out of that work week as I can.

I also have had a few client cancellations in the next two weeks, not a lot, but some hours have opened and I know what I will be doing with them.

I feel like this is how it will go for me.

I will have pockets of time open when I need them and I will be able to get the work done.

I am also starting to think about the Spring semester.

I am thinking that I am going to ask off from Fridays at work, starting in January.

I will make more money seeing clients on Fridays and if I don’t fill up my whole day with clients I will fill it up with studying.

I will of course need to make money, but I suspect that the money is really not going to be an issue, I’m being taken care of, I really am.

So what’s next is to nail down a place.

I saw a studio yesterday and it was no bueno, totally overpriced, and I was way underwhelmed, plus it was dark and didn’t get much light being an interior unit on the bottom of the house.

Saturday, after I go over to Berkeley and deal with some administrative work for my new internship I will come back to the city and hit a couple of open houses.

I have pretty much decided to get out of here as soon as possible.

I want quiet and low-key, I have too much on the line this first semester and I want to get out before the really big papers start looming.

I want to be in my own place and settled.

So I figure if either place looks good, both I can afford, and both have amenities I need, like laundry on site and um, hahaha, windows, I will make the offer to pay more than just the first months rent and damage.

I figure throw all of the buy out money to get into a place right at them.

Fuck mincing around.

So, fingers crossed, by this Saturday I have a place.

Yeah.

I’m juggling a lot.

But I feel like I can breathe today with the realization that it all works out.

It always has.

I am being carried.

I absolutely am.

I.

Am.

Graced.