Archive for the ‘The Land Lady’ Category

It’s Just Stuff

August 21, 2012

Life is weird.

The land lady just knocked on the door.

Note to self, thank god you didn’t itch that scratch.  Good gravy, that could have been awkward.

She was showing off the room to some one.  The woman who was going to move in changed her mind.

So much for getting the bed frame out of the room.

Then I thought, well, I’ll just put it all on Craigslist and make a few bucks for the travels.

One person responded.

And once I realized that the only thing that she wanted was the chair I had promised Beth, I saw that it was not going to happen.  Selling shit is obnoxious and a pain and I don’t have the patience for it.

So, I thought, well, Mrs. Fishkin did make a strong point, it’s nice to have a bed.  Sure, if I could have fit it in the back of Tanya’s suburban.  Everything else fit just fine.

Of course, everything else was four-foot by three-foot–one mid-sized plastic bin, about the size of a laundry basket, one bank box, one large box filled with photographs and odds and ends that are dear to me.  One spice rack designed and built by my Grandpa Munz.

It all fit in the back seat of her car.

That’s what went.

The bed frame is in the hallway between the houses.

The desk no body wants.

The night stands are still standing.

Beth will get the farm chair and my patchwork quilt.  Sarah might take the rocking chair.

You want something?

Come and get it.

It’s just stuff.  I am not taking stuff with me to Burning Man.

Well, I am taking some stuff, mostly clothes, make up, and bedding.  Knowing that I will not be needing the bedding when I get back is rather a treat.  I am taking a duvet and all the pillows out to the playa.  I will have the most rocking bed platform ever.

I’ll trash it after the event.  Nothing is really worth the saving.  And I have nice accommodations at Grace Land.  No lack of bedding there.

So, you want some stuff, I got it.  A desk, a few lamps, some night stands, a bed frame. All nice, pretty, curated, but in the end just stuff.

I am probably going to leave the microwave for the land lady.  She’s already pawed it over a couple of times.  It is cute, I will admit that.  It’s a ‘retro-wave’ microwave that I got fresh out of the box from a guy in the Castro who had gotten two because he was not sure which one worked better in the kitchen and he never got around to returning it back to the store.

A total steal at $60 bucks.  If I think of it in money my brain gets all possessive.

“Hey,” my brain hollers, “hey, don’t you know what I paid for that stuff?”

“Don’t you realize what that stuff is worth?”

“Hey, you, you aren’t listening!”

I am not.

It is just stuff.

I got to have it for a little while and now it’s some one else’s turn.  One day I will have more stuff, different stuff.

Stuff.

Say it often enough and I begin to see just how silly it is.  I was surprised to find myself possessive a few times over the last few days, god damn it, I work hard for that stuff.

But really, what I have worked harder for is the experiences that I have gotten to have. I am letting go of lots of stuff for better stuff.

The stuff that makes life grow.

The stuff that makes me thrive.

Now, granted, I won’t tell you no fibs, I did go out and buy some stuff today.  I bought a brush and a mirror.  I bought some make up and some socks.  I bought groceries.  I bought a nice smelling candle and I bought a pair of sunglasses.

Stuff to take to the playa.

I am a creature of humble comforts, but there are certain comforts I do like.  Lotion, nice smelling stuff, coconut oil, picked up some of that stuff too.  Hair stuff, I like looking pretty, you know.

Glitter.

Yes, shaddup, I bought glitter.  I was a little out of hand with it today.  I laughed, I am either having a second adolescence or I am going to Burning Man.

Then I realized that my first adolescence was such shit, that in essence I am really having my first, or allowing myself to have one at all.

So I bought some Hello Kitty sleep wear.

Oh, that’s right bitches, I am rocking the Hello Kitty hot pink terry cloth boy shorts and the black and pink Hello Kitty Sleep shirt.

Me and Hello Kitty

Rocking the new pjs

Goes really well with my bright blue hair.

Perhaps I have gone over board just a little bit, but what ever, it too is just stuff.

I am having a good time having a little fun.

I also stuck every fucking cent I would have spent on rent into my savings account.  Oh yeah, I am a responsible girl, I am.  I may have Rainbow Bright hair and a heavy hand with the glitter spackle, but I put away rent money into my savings account.

I said I would.

And I did.

I also set it up so that my student loans will automatically pull from my checking account.  I won’t have to think about sending in a check or making a payment.  I just set it up to do it automatically.

So basically I paid rent and my student loans today.

I is responsible.

Cheerfully, brightly, colorfully so.

So, here, today, for a limited time, all my stuff to you–FREE–all you have to do is come and get it.

Love.

Faith.

Friendship.

Intimacy.

Poetry.

Grace.

Family.

Recovery.

You want some?

I got some.

I also have a rocking chair, a vintage art deco hot pink standing floor lamp, a pedestal oak plant stand, a vintage wood night stand, a shabby chic pink (I painted it, duh) scalloped night stand, an awesome (it totally works!) space heater circa 1952, a farm-house table that I use as my desk, with folding down leaves, and some other accoutrement.

I am going to leave the Retrowave to the landlady.

It’s the right thing to do.

In return, all I ask is a hug, maybe a kiss upon the cheek, and the promise that you and I will stay close as I go out and accumulate the stuff that really makes my world run–

experiences.

 

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Happy, Shiny, & Blue

August 20, 2012

Oh my.

Oh my.

Oh me oh my.

I just got back from the salon.  Diane @ Solid Gold just did me a solid.  I have the most amazing hair right now.

AMAZING.

Blue

Blue

I can now officially say I am ready for Burning Man.

Not to say that I have not busted my ass today to get ready.

I was up this morning at 7 a.m.  after getting to bed last night around 1 a.m.

I needed to clean the room, clean the bathroom, take out the trash, make it pretty, and get the boxes out of the room and on to the back porch before Casey came over to see the room.

I wanted to make sure it looked nice and I also wanted to address the things that I needed to address to get myself ready.

Mainly doing laundry and packing up the last bits and pieces of my life.

Casey was promptly here at 8:55 a.m. with her lovely man and I showed her the room. She loved it and we chatted until Aurora’s son got here to do the translating.

I was a little concerned that it was not going to happen when I found out that Casey has a cat.  I know what happened to me when I said I had cats.  And sure as shit, that’s exactly what went down.  Aurora firmly put her foot down.

I knew it and was a little remiss that Miss Casey had not mentioned that she had a cat, I would have skipped even bringing her over to see the room.

But then something magical happened, Casey and Cesar went into the kitchen and talked with Aurora and while I was puttering around not getting in the way, Aurora changed her mind.

Casey has some persuasive skills.

I do not know what happened.  I do not know the gist of the conversation, but it happened and it is happening and the really lovely thing was that I had absolutely no stake in the outcome.

Granted the outcome ended up being spectacular and a bit surprising.  I did not see it coming.  I thought, this is probably not going to happen.  Casey has a cat, a boyfriend, and then, bang, magic, she got the room.

I am so glad for her.

I am leaving my mattress and box spring for her and the contents of the bathroom/kitchen.  I will be taking my bed frame and my photos and my pictures tomorrow to Tanya’s and putting them into storage.  Everything that is going into storage is on the back porch waiting for tomorrow to be moved.

Three p.m. I will meet up with Tanya, with my blue hair!  And we will move my wee little life over to her place.

My life is not wee, as Alex and Shannon so deftly pointed out.

And I agree.

My life feels really amazing and full right now.

The rainbow bright hair does not hurt!  I was going to go pink, but then Diane showed me some things that she was thinking about and we went blue.  It is actually three or four shades of blue with green and teal, then on the right side, which the picture does not really show, is a rainbow panel–teal, bright yellow, magenta, and green.  It looks wickedly hot.

I love being my authentic self.

I love that I have two different kinds of glitter nail polish on and blue hair and polka dots.

I am a little kookoo for cocoa puffs, but my god, I am having one hell of an experience.

And I work hard for this, being my authentic self and the journey to get there has not been an easy road.  But as they say, nothing worth having comes easy.

The weight loss was hard.

The couch surfing was hard.

The not knowing what I was going to do for a job was hard.

Allowing myself to be vulnerable and say I am enough and I am lovable and I am worthy of love and I do love myself and I forgive myself, that was the hardest part of it all.

I will flail and I will fall and then I will try again.

And I may not succeed, but I will keep trying.  And I will have detractors and there will be people who do not like me or my blue hair or my glitter or my myriad tattoos.

That’s ok.

They get their experience.

I get mine.

Some times I feel that I have had many past lives, some times I feel that there is some greater plan than this, some times I feel memories lurking on the edge, dreams that seem more real than real.

But what I know is this.

Here.

Now.

This is it, people.  I have really only this time and I am not going to sit quietly in the corner and not be seen.

I am not trying to be seen so much by you, but by me.  Letting myself out of the corner, turning around, and embracing the fact that I like eye make up and wild colors and giggling and flowers.

I am having fun.

I do things to that I don’t always like, but they clear the way for things like smurfette hair and pink star tattoos.

I meditated today–eighteen minutes.  I took quiet time, I read from my daily readers.  I did a lot and I mean a lot of writing.

I wrote on those note cards I was not excited to buy at the store.  I wrote and wrote and wrote and cried some and forgave a lot.

Man, did I do some forgiving.  Of myself, of my mom and my dad and my sister.

Oh, my god.

I have one sister.

That is it.

One dear sibling.  I miss my monkey.  I miss my Pooh.  I was so ashamed of some of the things that went down between us and I have not seen her in over seven years.

Time to amend that.

Time to amend a lot of things.

Holy cats.

I have a lot of mending to do.

I had no idea.

I am working on the willingness.  I wrote so much today.  I wrote until I could not write any more.  Then I did some more arranging and ran some errands and ate a really nice lunch.

Then I went blue.

Who says you have to be 85 to be a blue hair?

What the hell are you waiting for?

Go do it.

Go get yourself some authenticity.

You are enough.

I am enough.

Can’t you tell?

I am bright fucking blue!

 

 

 

Pulling the Trigger Slowly

July 23, 2012

I told my land lord’s son today that I was moving to Paris in November.

He asked that I give his mom a month and a half.  I am fairly certain he will tell her any day now and I will make it official.

If it’s official in my head is it really official?

I made the decision after writing my blog last night that I am going to buy my ticket, round trip, with my next paycheck.  It will be a fairly “big” check.

Bahahahahaha.

Ah, that’s knee slapping good fun.

It will be larger than it normally is as I worked six days this past week, one of which was over ten hours and I took very few breaks, in fact I don’t think I actually, with the exception of the days we were on retreat, took more than five minutes on any given day.

That is how I roll.  I work through my lunch.  I work through my dinner.

I told Stephanie today that it feels like I am always eating at work.  This is true.  I have a snack there, lunch, and dinner.  I get up early before work, about two and a half to three hours before I have to be in, and I eat breakfast.

By the time I get to work, it is high time for a nibble.  Then lunch, then yup, I eat dinner at work too.  I never go home after I get done with work.  I am always off to another destination a meeting of fellows, if you will, and I cannot wait to eat dinner until I get home, that would be nuts for me.

I would end up not having supper until 9 or 10 p.m.

And a hungry bear I would be.

You don’t want to poke the hungry bear, I bite.

So, I eat at work.

Where the hell am I going with this?

Ah, yes, working extra hours.  This next pay period should have a few of them on there, plus, as we have our hours processed on the 1st and the 15th, I will have extra hours because this month is 31 days.  So my pay schedule will have a few more hours than normal.

Buying the ticket will make it a tight month, but as I reasoned out last night, doing it will truly put the Burning Man fantasy to rest.

I have to do the foot work and I did two things today toward that end.  I e-mailed a stranger in Paris, who came recommended to me from some one who heard I was moving and I told Cesar that I was moving.

I also told Cesar that should his folks be interested they could acquire my furnishings. I don’t really feel like moving much of it.  I will of course be putting some personal effects in storage.

The lovely Tanya has offered me that and I will be taking her up on it.

I just realized I did a lot more for moving to Paris today than just those two actions.  Although, those actions “feel” the most concrete.

I also investigated air fare and found what looks like the best ticket.  I looked at tickets with a three-month turn around.

I do not expect to actually be back in San Francisco in March of 2013, unless it is to visit and register for a work Visa, but that seemed to make the most sense when I was looking.  Simply from the stand point that my passport gives me three months to be in France.

I want to be there longer.  I want to go to the South of France.  I want to see Toulouse, I want to bicycle through the country side.  I also feel like I owe some living amends, so to speak to Toulouse as I was drunk as a skunk when I was there and I did not really get a chance to explore the city.

But, first Paris.

And London.

And where ever else in Europe or beyond I am supposed to be.

I also saw lovely, darling friends today and expressed my gratitude for them in my life and that was wonderful.  I had a cup of coffee and a quiet half hour in a cafe reading a book–Cormac McCarthy’s All the Pretty Horses–then later lunch with Stephanie at Sunflower.

The waiter sees me coming, “veggie salad, hot tea!”

Yes please.

Divine.

Then off to Dolores park for the San Francisco Symphony performance.  It was delicious to sit in the grass and get some sunshine and read some more and I called John Ater and had a fantastic check in with him.

I listened to the symphony and read and snoozed a little in the grass.  When the bladder made itself known, hot tea, I headed back to the hacienda and had a session on the back porch with a cup of tea and an Esquire magazine.

Then, oh, wait for it, I took a nap!

Just a quick snooze, but my, it was luscious.  45 minutes of lying on my bed and just enjoying the warmth dissipating from my skin into the surrounding air.  It got windy today and the chilly fog was blowing in over Twin Peaks, but my little nook is in a really protected spot, so I got lots of unadulterated sunshine before my nap.

I drowsed, chatted with my mama on the phone about my upcoming visit, I will be swimming.  Holy cats,  I cannot imagine how hot it is going to be in September in Florida.  Then a little dinner and off to meet Meg at Ritual.

I have not been in Ritual on a Sunday late afternoon in some time.  It was jam-packed. But a table magically appeared right as my Americano came up and we settled in for an hour.

It was wonderful to get to know Meg a little better and as we wound up our time together the sun blasted in behind me through the open door warmly whispering across my neck and I smiled in absolute joy when Meg told me how inspired she was by my experience and just the fact that I was moving to Paris.

And so I am.

If only to show those that I love who come up behind me that it can be done.

You can have your dreams and eat them too.

They taste like cafe creme and smell like French perfume and they dance to accordion music along the Seine and ride like bicycles with baskets to markets with bright trembling baskets of pomme vertes and they will run before me with great joy as I chase them along the cobble stones and through the flea markets in the outer arrondissements.

Pulling the trigger softly, but pulling it nonetheless.


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