Today was exactly how I thought it would be and also.
Easier.
Lighter.
Less fraught with anxiety than some Saturdays can be as I recognized early the need to make all the things happen.
RIGHT NOW!
I text a friend.
First day off in two weeks and must make it all happen.
This is my best thinking.
And I know, deeply, that it is skewed thinking.
Flawed thinking.
Thinking with nothing more to it than make miserable happen when there is no need to be miserable.
I slept in.
Not long.
But just a little.
Just enough.
I skipped yoga.
Yeah that.
I also got honest with my person about skipping yoga in a phone call check in this afternoon.
I won’t be skipping tomorrow, especially now that I have made myself accountable to someone else, someone who sees me with a much greater kind of perspective than I see myself.
I made myself a nice breakfast.
Thank you Jesus for persimmons, my sweet little fall indulgence, how I do love thee.
Homemade oatmeal with apple and persimmon, sea salt, nutmeg, cinnamon, unsweetened vanilla almond milk; a hard boiled organic egg with salt and pepper, two big mugs of coffee–Four Barrel pour over.
And.
I am ready for the day.
Plus a little quiet time.
A lot of writing.
I wrote five pages this morning with out batting an eye.
I didn’t realize I had all that much to say, but there it was, it just came tumbling out.
All the words.
The words that spell out anxiety and I’m not enough and there is definitely not enough time.
But.
There is.
There was time to go grocery shopping.
I was shocked actually at how not busy the SafeWay by Ocean Beach was.
I had suspected it would be a mob scene with Hardly Strictly Bluegrass.
But it was not.
I got in and out and I have to say, I felt really happy with myself when I was standing in line and putting the food on the conveyor belt.
Man.
I take damn good care of myself, my food looks awesome.
I continued that trend by coming home and trussing a chicken and then doing a salt and pepper rub and roasting it in the oven while I did a run up to Other Avenues.
My preferred place to shop, but quite pricey so mostly the little organic things I can’t get at Safeway and the bulk food stuff and some hippy candles I really like.
Then back to the house, brown rice in a pot, groceries put away and onto the spending plan tally for September and doing my plan for October.
October is going to be a chill month.
No buying tickets to Paris.
No more scooter issues please.
I spent two grand more than I normally do this past month.
I don’t have a whole hell of a lot in savings.
Upside.
I do have something in savings.
And I have employment and I’m ok.
Just nothing extravagant for October.
Meeting my basics and sticking some cash in savings.
By two p.m. I was sitting on my back porch eating salt and pepper roast chicken with tarragon butter and brown rice with a brussels sprouts, white corn, and brown mushroom hash.
The sun was warm.
The breeze was cool.
Banjo rifts and guitar licks drifted to me from the park and I relaxed enough to know I had done pretty much everything that I needed to do and now it was time to do the deal and sit down and get square with my text books.
I did hours of reading.
I’m not done.
There are hours and hours to go.
“You are going to get through this,” my friend who I hadn’t seen in months said to me last night outside Our Lady of Safeway as the recovery house boys smoked their cigarettes and crumpled their court cards into their pockets.
I leaned into his warm hug.
“And you are going to be good, and you are going to help so many people, you will get through this, it is not for always, one foot in front of the other kiddo,” he finished, gave me a warm hug and shambled off with one of his guys toward the Lower Haight.
Sometimes the dread of the day lays heavy on me.
The responsibility to get it all done and be good and be on the up and up and get it done and go, go, go, well, it can be tremendous.
Overwhelming.
And.
Self-defeating.
I stopped making judgements around 45 minutes into my reading.
I started to feel good for picking up the books and just making the effort to read.
I don’t have to comprehend it all right now.
But I do have to start somewhere.
And.
I need to get caught up on all my reading.
Not necessarily to fulfill paper requirements or to please anyone, but because this is what I’m doing, I’m getting my Masters in Psychology and this is part of the work.
I have to do it to get the degree and I need the degree to facilitate moving into the next phase of my development.
Development that takes time, slow time, golden time, drowsy with afternoon light and the hours that breach between two and four p.m. when the promise of the day begins to wane towards dusk.
I read.
I read a lot.
Is it enough?
No, my head whispers.
Yes.
My heart confirms.
Today you did enough.
You are enough.
It was enough.
And tomorrow.
Well.
That’s not here yet.
Let’s just stay here.
You and I.
Or.
Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
As long as it is with your hand in mine and the colors that bleed are not bleeding from my heart, but from the underpinnings of love that color the clouds and light my way forward.
This moment.
This now.
This everlasting love.
Yes.
That.
Always that.
Love.
Let us go there.
Together.
Auntiebubba 