Posts Tagged ‘anxious’

Hello My Old Friend

August 7, 2017

So nice to get re-acquainted.

Not.

Fuck me man.

I got anxious today.

Now.

That should go without saying, having been diagnosed with clinical anxiety and clinical depression about a decade ago, that I would have anxiety now and then in my life.

But.

Shit.

I’d sort of forgotten.

Good grief.

It snuck up on me today.

Perhaps because I had suddenly some unexpected down time and that can make me a little tight in my chest, a little thread of something is wrong running down my spine, unscheduled down time, what the fuck will I do?

And I had plenty to do, I always have something going on.

I did loads of writing.

I did loads of laundry.

So happy the landlady replaced the washing machine, the gift of not having to go to the laundry mat next to the 7-11 on the corner of Judah and 46th is no joke.

I did yoga.

I had lots of lovely phone conversations today.

I went grocery shopping.

I cooked food for dinner.

I had a scrumptious salad for lunch on the back porch during the half hour of sun that came out in the Outer Sunset.

Man.

It has been foggy.

I’m about ready for that to be over weather wise.

I went and got right with God.

I did some meditation.

Life is great!

And.

I ordered books for school and looked over another syllabus that got published for my fall semester.

That’s when I noticed it, the corroding of my nerves, the odd feeling in my body, the small shivers of panic.

Oh.

Hello.

I had forgotten you.

And.

Oh.

Hello.

Fuck off.

I don’t need you around.

I mean.

I really don’t.

Anxiety pulls me out of the moment, catapults me into the future, where there is not god, there is nothing, there is only fear and terror and pain.

And it’s always a bad future.

It’s not a sweet, kind, gentle, loving future.

Nope.

It’s a.

YOU’RE GOING TO FUCKING FAIL SO YOU BETTER MOVE YOUR ASS NOW.

Kind of future.

And I still might fail.

And that’s ok.

I mean.

It is at least familiar.

I know this feeling, I have had it before, and I can live through it.

And I didn’t have a panic attack.

I had the scattering of one at the beginning of the last semester when I was super uptight about practicum and getting my internship nailed down.

Fortunately I was having a work day where the mom and baby were at her office and I was going to pick up the monkeys from school.

I had some down time at work to do cleaning and fold laundry and prep stuff for dinner and I got an e-mail regarding some financial aid thing and then another about registering for practicum and something in me just popped.

I got super wound up and it felt like a cement bucket of fear was riding on my chest and creeping up my throat.

Yay!

Anxiety.

For two and a half years I took antidepressants to deal with the depression and anxiety.

I stopped right around my five years of sobriety.

I came off them real easy.

I had been on the lowest dosage anyway.

But.

I felt like I didn’t need them anymore and I was riding my bicycle a lot and nannying some pretty energetic kids and I was doing ok.

I was also began eating a diet abstinent from processed flour and all sugars (except those occurring naturally in fruit, bring on the apples!) and that was a big thing too.

My diet got really clean, I got daily biking exercise, and I was out in the sun a lot pushing a stroller to and from multiple playgrounds.

The anxiety dissipated.

And.

The depression fell away.

I lost lots of weight.

I got happy.

Sure.

Shit happened.

Life happened.

When it was a dark and rainy winter the depression would slide back in a little, but for the most part.

Nothing.

Until.

I started grad school.

Anxiety nightmares.

Stress dreams.

Mild depression each winter semester.

Nothing that I couldn’t titrate with a touch more sleep or with a little more exercise and then I added some flax oil into my diet and rode it out.

The anxiety was easily the worst my first semester of school.

Now.

Today.

Not so much.

But.

It was there.

And truth be told.

It annoyed me.

It pissed me off.

I was like.

No.

NO.

I am not doing this again.

I know what this looks like and I know how to handle it and.

AND.

It never has been that bad.

It never has been the nightmare of not having enough time to do all the things and read all the things and write all the papers that my over active imagination likes to tell me it’s going to be.

Not once.

Not.

Never.

I never stopped blogging, which I told myself I would drop if it got bad.

I never stopped doing morning pages, ditto, I’ll stop if I can’t handle the writing load.

Oh.

Sure.

There were days here and there when I didn’t.

But I was pretty steady through it all.

I also know from experience, this for me is the most basic form of faith, that I always get things done.

And that there really is no need to be anxious about things.

I sent out a few messages, got some sweet responses.

Made a phone call to my person.

Wrote out a gratitude list.

And went about my day.

There are things I am going to have to do and my fall semester this year will look different from my last two as I am in practicum and I am seeing clients and I’m basically a practicing psychotherapist.

Not a psycho.

Haha.

Sorry.

Gallows humor is probably not the most attractive thing in a therapist.

Or is it?

Anyway.

I reached out to my supervisor about my schedule and I saw some openings and some things that I may have to adjust to and change-up.

But.

Overall.

I got this.

I got my books ordered.

I am still waiting for the release of one more syllabus though, I may still have to purchase a few books, but that’s fine.

I got my first text-book in the mail and I started reading it yesterday and yes, it will start traveling with me as I go about my week.

I worked through the anxiety.

I had a nice quiet talk with myself, assuaged my worries, gave myself the you can do it pep talk and basically really breathed into it.

All in all.

I can handle this and I was told that this would be a challenging year.

Haven’t they all been?

But.

That I have seen others walk through it and I know if they can do it so can I.

Plus.

I have a pretty amazing support system, fellowship and community.

I’m going to be just fine.

Because.

I already am.

Today.

Right now.

In this beautiful moment.

There is nothing wrong, and my life.

Well.

Let me just say.

It’s fucking fabulous.

Amazing really.

Luckiest girl in the world.

Seriously.

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The Upside of Isolation

November 29, 2016

Happened today.

At work.

While the baby napped.

THE BABY FUCKING NAPPED!

Oh sweet, sweet Jesus, thank you God.

Oof.

I packed my school books this morning thinking why bother, but do it anyway.

And.

Oh.

So nice.

She slept for three hours.

Three.

It was a dream.

I had spent the morning at the house helping out by being there instead of going out to the park as they had a lot of deliveries coming in and the youngest boy was home from school.

I did not have him the entire day though, which also helped to facilitate the reading during nap time, Grandma came over and took him out for a long late afternoon lunch

Thanks Grandma!

“Are you the one doing all the tidying up?” She asked me when she dropped him off later in the day, waving at the spotless kitchen.

“Yes, happy to help out,” I said and nodded.

“You are a god send,” she concluded.

Thank you!

That’s always nice to hear.

Especially since I’m going to ask the family to write me a letter of recommendation for my practicum application.

I wasn’t able to address it today, too many things going on, but I will be able to on Wednesday.

“We’re going to cry, literally, on your last day,” the mom said today as the baby and I were blowing kisses at each other.

Oh!

I was so touched to hear that, such nice validation.

And.

“You’re the only person she likes better than me,” the grandma said in wonder as the baby hugged my legs and we played hide and seek.

So nice to hear all the compliments.

It’s nice to know that I leave my job better than I found it, sort of recurring thematic in my life, I wish to leave things better than I find them.

It doesn’t always work that way.

But.

It’s an awful nice feeling that just be being a bit proactive and energized I was able to help out the family, cook, clean, sort, facilitate the dog walker, the grocery delivery, and a furniture delivery.

Plus.

Get the baby down for a nap after feeding her lunch and still have almost three hours of quiet in the afternoon to read.

It was heaven.

And.

Oh.

Wait for it.

I finished!

I FINISHED!!!!

Oh my fucking god, I finished my reading for the next round of classes.

That is officially a first.

I am done with my reading for the last weekend of classes for the semester.

It feels so good.

So, so, so good.

Oh, I still have all the papers to write, but that will come and with extra time to navigate with them, the having the reading done is such a huge blessing.

My next weekend, the one coming up, I can focus on writing papers and getting myself prepped for the big Psychopathology paper.

I plan on writing two papers this upcoming weekend and I can take my time, devote a little every day to the Psychopathology paper.

If I had my druthers I would turn it in on my last day of class for the semester and then have nothing left to do.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

It might be a reach.

It might be a stretch.

But you know, I’ve been doing the yoga again, so who knows.

Heh.

Signed up for a class for tomorrow morning before I go into work.

It’s been nice having it in my routine again, even if I’m sore, it’s a good sore and it does seem to help with the general free-floating anxiety that I always have.

That anxiety has gotten so much better.

And now that I know I didn’t have a scratchy head due to stress, well, fuck, life’s a bed of fucking roses.

Heh.

And.

I paid my December rent and utilities tonight when I got home.

In cash.

That felt hella good.

I mean, real good.

It was also nice to hand my land lord a fat envelope full of bills.

I mean who doesn’t like that?

I’m doing pretty well with my finances for the month.

Very happy about that.

I got a little extra left over for Christmas gifts and some for traveling.

And possibly a new coat.

It’s going to be cold in Wisconsin.

Except!

Ha!

I just took out the coat I bought for Paris when I traveled there last winter–the time I had been there it was super cold, when I was living there and I didn’t invest in a decent jacket and so when I went back I made sure to have a nice coat.

A coat that doubled as dressy enough to go to the ballet as well.

Which was the only time I wore it out.

The weather was far warmer than anything I had previously experienced in Paris during December.

So.

Yes.

I have a coat, a nice dark plum swing coat with big black buttons and a flared collar and long sleeves that will do the trick quite nicely.

Yay.

And I was all bummed when I was out this early evening in between work and doing the deal I hopped into three, no, four, different stores in the Inner Sunset and found nada.

Not as though most stores in San Francisco are going to sell coats meant for a Wisconsin style winter.

I sort of figured I would be buying something mid weight to layer over my sweatshirts.

Nope.

Don’t need to at all.

My plum Paris swing coat is perfect.

I have to say, not a bad way to start my week.

Not bad for a Monday at all.

Super grateful for all the gifts in my life.

And I have a few.

Seriously.


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