How come when you want to stop something online you have to do it in person?
How is it that although I did not complete the entire Bank of America application to open a savings account, nor did I put money in it, I suddenly get approved for the account anyway? And it “opened”.
I see my part, dear B of A, I know that I started the application process, I guess I just should not have flirted with you at all, you pre-mature ejaculator, but once I got to the screen which told me the phenomenally shitting savings rate, well, I changed my mind. I thought I had deleted my application. I thought I had said, thanks but no thanks.
Apparently that’s not how you “heard” it. As I am suddenly inundated with all sorts of “congratulations” e-mails on your new account. Yes, I have a checking account with you, no I don’t want a savings account with you. I have one with ING. I thought, that you had better rates, turns out you don’t. So I said, no way Jose. And stopped what I was doing.
Then I transferred money from my checking to my ING account.
But nope, you just went right ahead, now, didn’t you?
And I can’t “close” this account that I never really opened online. What the fuck is that?
Did you perhaps notice that I did not put any money into this account, you scheming fuck. I happened to notice, by the by, that if my “balance” is below $25 I will be charged a fee. Now, I am really not interested in paying you any extra money. You have already suckled hardily off of my labor and sweat. I am not about to fork over extra dough because you got all excited and decided to electronically approve me–we did not even get to first base and you rubbed one out on my leg you gross thing.
How come when I went to my account and I was able to talk, chat, with a “live” agent “he” couldn’t do anything about it? How come I actually have to come down in person and rectify this? Eh? My money is worth a lot more than this hassle, fyi.
You hear of that thing, what is it now, I think, oh yeah, Occupy Wallstreet? You want to un-occupy your fucking greedy ass paws out of my money or I’m going to a credit union post-haste.
To top it off there’s no number that I can call? Come on now. And when I try to “close” my account you just talk in circles about how sorry you are that you can’t help me out. Get on the stick motherfucker.
Because if I have to actually go down to the bank before work tomorrow to close this fictitious account I am going to be pissed the fuck off. I will take all my money and I will go somewhere else with it.
I am going to make some tea here in a moment and I am sure that it will all be just fine and dandy, and I will breathe and get all zen and shit. What amazes me is that I actually am a really loyal customer. I have been with the institution since I moved to San Francisco. I have not debunked and gone to Wells Fargo or Chase or anywhere else. Partially out of complete laziness. It’s just simpler to go where I go. I know where all the atm’s are and actually, I haven’t been into an actual bank in a while.
So, let’s be nice to each other, ok. Let me close this account I did not really want to open and there will be no hard feelings, ok?
Gah.
I also have to deal with, and deal with them soon, AT&T. Can I say it here? Yes, I think I can.
FUCK YOU AT&T
You suck. You suck ass. You suck ass backwash. You are asshole douche bag tools. I have never had worse customer service in my entire life. NEVER.
And I get so frustrated talking, talking, what talking, being on hold, with you that by the time I actually do get some one live I can barely remember why I called. Oh, to cancel my account.
Oh, there’s a cancellation fee?
Really, go to hell you ass hat.
Number one, and I don’t know how many times I have to repeat the scenario, I did not ask for the service you installed for me. Why would I? I don’t have a land line, haven’t had one in ten years, and I don’t have a television, I haven’t had a television in thirteen years, yet, you have me set up with the “plan” that lets me watch tv in every room of my house and use my land line and get speedy internet too.
Well, first of all, the internet, not so speedy.
Second of all, see that part where I don’t have a rotary phone or a television, which means I DON’T NEED CABLE, yeah, that part, which means, you gave me the wrong fucking package. And you’ve been charging me the wrong amount. And now I find out that you are going to charge me a $150 cancellation fee?
FUCK YOU AND THE DIAL UP YOU RODE IN ON!
Gah.
I have tried three times now to end this “plan”. I have been disconnected, I have cried, I have gotten so angry I almost, thank God I didn’t, but I almost threw my phone on the floor and did a jitterbug of fury on it.
And frankly, from the sounds of the doors slamming, and the screaming coming from my next door neighbor, he’s had really lovely interactions with you too. Wow, has he got a tongue on him, by the way. At least I have never sworn at any of the oh so polite, dancing around the issue operators, when I have actually had the patience enough to stay on the line for 58 minutes (the last time I was on hold with you) before I got to some one who was alive.
Christ on a stick. You suck.
I know I am going to end up eating it just to have it not incur any more charges on the account. I mean, I move out in five days.
Oh holy fuck.
And I don’t foresee climbing up California Street after a long day at work to sit outside my old apartment and use my computer or my nonexistent phone or television. Although, maybe the connection will be better?
Hmmm.
Nah.
So, here’s to Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, when I have a half day at work and I will be spending my lunch hour sitting on the phone with you, dear AT&T, while everyone else in the free world is out Christmas shopping. I will be doing my best to BREATHE and politely cancel your wonderful services.
And don’t think I have forgotten about you, Bank of America, I am coming for you tomorrow.
IN PERSON.
Auntiebubba 