Putting It Out There

In the last two days I have asked two guys out and let another know I was single.

One guy gave me no response, which is a response, which means no.

The other guy said seeing somebody.

The last guy?

Well.

I don’t know.

He asked me out two years ago.

Right after I had gotten involved with my ex.

God damn.

Two years.

It’s been a minute since I’ve been on the dating scene and I feel like I have no idea how to do it.

A friend asked me about a month ago if I had gone out since my ex and nope.

Actually, he said, “have you got your pussy wet since __________?”

HOLY CRAP.

I yelped and smacked his arm.

Then he said, “give me your phone, there’s got to be someone on here who wants to have sex with you.”

OMG.

I just about died.

Then he did something rather cute, he sent a picture of me to a guy who I acqueised would yes, likely have sex with me, since, well, we’d had a sexual relationship.  It had never developed into a dating relationship, but we’d had fun and hooked up a couple times.

My fried sent the photo and a very cute little message and bingo!

Immediate response.

And then he said, “now do it again, next guy.”

It was not a come on message, it was cute, a picture, a how are you, a flirtatiousness.

I wasn’t asking for sex from the second gentleman, but let me tell you, I was thinking about it, since I have had a crush on him forever.

Literally.

Ever since I met him over twelve years ago.

The second gentlemen surprised me with his response, which was that I looked radiant.

Oh.

The first guy?

Meh.

He told me “I’m in an ethical, non-monogamous, kinky, open relationship.”

I told him I was in the Outer Richmond.

Heh.

I knew he wasn’t a dating me kind of man, but perhaps what my friend was saying was hey, get out there, get laid, get over your ex, move on.

So.

I made date with first guy.

Who, in his fashion, ghosted me, and then I remembered, oh, motherfucker, he’d done this once before which was the reason I hadn’t really pursued dating him.

So back to the second guy.

I liked “radiant” as a response.

That felt really good.

So we made a date.

Or so I thought.

It was the date, not date.

Ugh.

He turns out to be in a relationship and us connecting was just old friends getting together to catch up.

Fuck.

I mean.

It was great to see him, but I had aspirations damn it.

I can feel it like the urgency of electricity needing to be grounded.

I need to be kissed.

I need to hold a man’s hand in public.

I need to really be out there dating in the light of day.

I have been in a cave of sorts and I need out.

So.

Yesterday I sent a message via Instagram to a man I have known casually for years, obviously not close enough that we have each other’s phone numbers, but I see him now and again and there’s always a touch of a spark.

But nada.

And then this morning I was like, fuck it, reach out to ______________.

Who was excited to hear from me and then I made it quite explicit, I’m asking you out on a date.

And.

Nada.

He’s in a relationship, but said let’s still go dancing.

Maybe.

But want to dance with a man who wants to be with me.

Romantically.

And I think I just upped my game a tiny bit more.

I FB messaged a guy who asked me out two years ago and since I don’t want to play games on FB I just popped his number into my phone and sent a text message.

I want to argue my limitations without having the experience of connecting with him and I sense that gets me into trouble.

He’s an East Bay boy and I have argued my way from reaching out since, like, um the bridge is a major obstacle.

But you know what else is a major fucking obstacle?

Dating unavailable men!

So no more of that shit.

And fuck timing.

And fuck not being good enough.

Have you seen me recently?

I am kicking major fucking ass, I look good, I’m working on a PhD, I’ve got a burgeoning private practice therapy business, I live by myself (that’s a big deal in San Francisco since the rents are ridiculous everyone has room mates), I have a car.

I am the bomb.

Fuck.

And I’m busy.

I won’t lie, it’s not like I get to socialize a whole lot, but I have to be putting it out there, I have to take some actions.

I don’t know what will stick.

But I sense something will.

And I will allow myself to be vulnerable enough to date a man who is actually available to be dating.

Because I am so worth it.

I really am.

And now.

It’s time to let myself let go of what happens next.

I put it out there and what ever comes back is not up to me.

But.

I will keep putting it out there.

It’s time.

It really is my time.

I can feel it.

He’s just over there, all I have to do is shift my perspective.

He’s is there.

And I’m available.

Bottle of Whiskey

And a pack of cigarettes.

I laughed.

Softly.

No.

Fool.

I did not drink or smoke last night.

However, I sound like it.

I’m sick, but not sick.

I was tired last night and could feel a little tickle in the throat.

It suggested that there could be a cold brewing and I made the decision to stay in bed and get an extra hour of sleep rather than push myself to do a yoga class this morning before work.

I am glad for it.

Whatever little bit of cold I may have seems to already be fading.

But it was hilarious to have this raspy, sexy, throaty, low, husky voice all day.

“You sound really sexy,” my boss said.

I laughed, but softly.

It did make for a day of being really hands on with the boys, but it was a great day to be with them.

We got out to the park and thank God.

The rain seems to be ceasing for this week.

I could use the break and it was really nice to ride my scooter to work.

I topped off the gas–$1.10–and chortled.

So much cheaper than taking a car to work or MUNI for that matter.

Faster, efficient, and so good to be back on the road and autonomous.

Not that I wasn’t extremely grateful to be using Lyft all this past week and weekend, but it adds up and I don’t want to be putting that much money into something when I could be saving it for a trip or an experience.

I’m thinking time for a show, a movie, a massage, a steam and a soak at Osento.

I got a sweet message this morning about taking it easy and maybe taking a day for myself in the very near future.

I love this idea.

This week may not be the time, but I’ll see what I can shake out of the trees.

Time is a commodity that I can tell myself that I have little of.

The truth is.

I have time.

I have God’s time.

When I am in my time, man’s time, I am blocked and dated and timed and not at all flexible.  I wish to be flexible.  Not just in the yoga studio, but in my life in general.

Tomorrow I’m only working a half day, for which I am extremely happy about.

I’ll be going in from 1p.m.-5p.m. and then off for the rest of the day.

I have an optometrist appointment.

New glasses and prescription sunglasses for the scootering about town and that thing in the desert.

I may do yoga tomorrow night after that.

Try a different time of day.

I may not.

I think the cold, or maybe the just a tiny bit run down with the big school weekend, is definitely passing.

I can sing.

I wasn’t able to sing earlier.

I’ve got some Mike Doughty on the stereo and I’m jamming the hell out.

Well.

I’m not singing at full force, but I can sing and that’s pretty cool.

I like some music when I am writing.

It’s nice to have a sound track to my life.

There is some music I will always associate with certain times of my life.

There are songs that tap a wellspring of memory and make my heart hurt and also make my heart leap about with joy.

This particular album, Stellar Motel, tends to make me jump about in joy.

I always dance to the first song on the album and generally find myself belting out the songs following with much gusto.

Ooh.

I actually like my voice at this octave, it is super sexy.

I like being sexy.

Ahem.

I mean.

Who doesn’t?

No dates lined up for the near future, but I think there will be movement.

I have been asked out for tomorrow night but I wasn’t feeling the date.

He wanted to take me to Banya SF.

Which sounds like a place I need to go to, for fucking sure, it looks amazing.

But.

Um.

No.

Not for a first date.

That’s a bit too much.

At least for me.

That being said, I am interested in going.

Although, I don’t think tomorrow is on the menu for me.

An evening yoga class has a stronger appeal for me.

I would like to do a soak soon and some steaming and dry sauna action, Osento could be in the near future.

I did my spending plan this morning before heading into work and there’s a little scratch extra that could go towards a spa day.

Or I was thinking when my dear friend came over to the city and we went to the Balboa Theater and got House of Shanghai and had lattes in the Richmond.

That was fun.

I could definitely do a movie date for myself.

Dating.

So interesting.

Or not dating.

Life.

I could just say, life, is so interesting.

I’m pretty fucking grateful for it right now.

It was a big weekend and it’s nice to be at the beginning of a “regular” week for myself.

Recovery.

Writing.

Homework.

Reading.

Yoga.

Work.

Life.

If a date gets tossed into the mix, then cool.

But it’s got to be fun and easy.

I’m flexible, but fun and easy has got to be a goal.

I will say, now that I am not so heart broken it’s been easier to think about as just dating and having fun and having new experiences.

When I was talking to my friend last night at dinner and we were comparing notes about dating and our past relationships I could feel the emotions there as I describe what June to January of this past year was like, and I could also feel that though the feelings were there, they weren’t going to topple me.

I did mist up a little.

I may always when I recall what happened.

But.

I am also so grateful for the experience and to have come out the other side of the tunnel.

I’m not in that dark hallway anymore confused as to which way to turn or how to move forward.

I made it out into the light.

Which was blinding when I lifted my face.

I am still a little flash blinded with the normality of my life after the ups and downs of my roller coaster emotions.

There’s an after image of love and desire, expectation, fantasy, and hope.

My hopes may have been dashed.

But I seem to be moving forward, out into that bright sunshine.

Happy.

Joyous.

Free.

Single and available for dating.

Hit me up.

Seriously.