Posts Tagged ‘babies’

Ouch

December 2, 2018

My poor mouth hurts.

I am in a lot of pain, but I know, from last years experience, that it will get better.

I had to get another crown put in.

I cracked, yet again, another tooth.

This is tooth number two.

My dentist told me that I am grinding my teeth in my sleep.

Great.

I’m not stressed, really.

Bwahahahaha.

Sigh.

So, two weeks ago I got a temporary crown.  What had been an appointment for a teeth cleaning became a three-hour session in the chair.

And cost a fat $1475.

Then today, two weeks later, I got my new crown in and dropped another freaking $465 to get a mouth guard because my dental insurance doesn’t cover mouth guards.

But I tell you what.

When my dentist says I need a mouth guard or I run the risk of cracking more teeth and having to get more crowns, I’ll fucking pay it out-of-pocket.

Happy birthday!

Merry Christmas!

Yay.

Dental work.

Oh well.

At least I had the money in my account to just pay it out with cash and not freak out.

I wanted to sort of freak out, but I don’t have to.

I still have some student loan money left over to get through the rest of the semester and I will be alright.

I always am.

There was a time that dental work of this nature would have blown me out of the water, but I have a touch more experience with padding my bank account with my student loans.

I told a friend today what my student loans were at, around $104,000 and he blanched.  He’s also from country that doesn’t charge its citizens to go to school, so he’s not really accustomed to what it means to be an American with a great big heap of student loan debt.

I don’t care though.

My education is worth it and hey, I took out a big chunk to help with my move into my new place and I have no regrets about it.

I am interning at a non-profit and plan on working for them for the ten-year period that the federal government asks one to do if you want your student loans forgiven.

I can do that.

So it’s ok if I have them.

And yeah, they’ve helped with more than just paying tuition at my super expensive school.

I’m worth it and I still get to live in San Francisco.

So, there’s that.

I’m not on any pain killers for the tooth though and it feels big and hot and ouchy in my mouth.  If I remember correctly from last January it passed within a few days, the big pain by the next day, hopefully that will happen for me as well.

I expect that there will be some tenderness and hot cold sensitivity for a while, but it does pass too.

I will say I am not in the mood to do any homework and since my landlord is having a party I’m not really in the space to turn my attention and focus to homework.  I’m playing some pretty loud French music right now and trying to not think about my tooth.

I also did some apartment hunting on Craigslist.

I’m happy with my new place and not happy at the same time.

I had to move all of my things out of storage in the basement today, which I was not planning on having to do.  When I moved in the landlord offered me space in the basement to store stuff as my unit as no storage space, just a tiny closet that doesn’t fit all of my clothes, I got a big dresser and a rolling garment rack to deal with that.

But I don’t have anywhere to put my camping/Burning Man gear, nor the boxes of notebooks and text books I’m not currently using.  Fortunately my boss offered me space in her storage unit.  So tomorrow I get to get up way earlier than I was planning for on my one day off during the week to take my stuff across town to the Bayview to put in storage.

Two weeks ago I had asked my land lord that the basement be unlocked, I wanted to grab my Christmas ornaments a something to wear to the Burning Man ARTumnal event I went to a few weeks back.

It was at that time I was told that I was going to have to find another place to put my stuff as the landlord’s wife is pregnant and they are going to be renovating a room into a nursery and needing to store stuff in the basement.

FUCK.

I was floored.

I was also fucking pissed.  Where the hell was I going to put my stuff?

And.

I hate to be a bitch.

But fuck my life, I moved in here partially because I was assured it was a really quiet space that I was going to be able to study and not be disturbed and all was going to be chill.

A new-born living over my head is not a quiet living environment.

Now.

Don’t get me wrong, I love kids, I adore babies, for fuck’s sake, I’m a nanny.

AND.

I’m a nanny, I deal with crying baby at work all the time, I don’t want to come home to crying baby.

Ugh.

I might be making too much of it but that coupled with a few other things, like the unit is not nearly as sound proof as I was lead to believe and that the landlord and his wife have had two knock down screaming fights with each other where things were smashed and doors slammed since I’ve moved in that makes me think I will be looking for a new place to live when my lease is up.

I’m not going to break the lease, unless something extraordinary gets dropped in my lap, but I do think I may not be making this quite the permanent place I had thought.

And really, not that permanent either, I wasn’t planning on being here longer than my PhD program.

I sort of figured that I wanted to get settled in and cozy and then not have to think about moving until I was finished with my program and by that time I would be making good money with my private practice and could afford a one bedroom instead of a studio, or even, maybe start looking at what it would take to land a house.

I really do have the  dream of owning my own home one day in San Francisco, crazy as that may seem, I have my hopes and I have seen stranger things happen.

So.

Yeah.

A tooth ache and a loud party upstairs are not conducive to doing homework, but I thought, I can blog!

And there you have it.

I’m back to the blogging and my, it does feel fine and I just realized my tooth hasn’t hurt that much while I was writing.

Win/win.

All The Beautiful

June 26, 2017

Babies.

Well.

Two of the beautiful babies.

I got to spend time with a very dear friend today and her 6 week old twins.

Oof.

Such goodness.

Beauties.

There was hours of catching up, I haven’t seen her in seven weeks, eight maybe?

We saw each other right before I left for Paris and had the twins while I was there.

I have missed her and it was so good to reconnect.

We talked and talked and it was wondrous to see her with her babies.

And.

Oh.

Yes.

I got to hold them too, one of them for a super long time, hours, literally, of having a small warm baby on my chest, snuggled in and cozy.

I brought her some homemade frittata I had made this morning–prosciutto and asparagus with parmesan and some nice chocolate and some flowers and the twins some gifts.

My standards–Jellycat bunny rabbits and my favorite children’s book–“I Am A Bunny” by Richard Scarry.

It was a gorgeous day and I managed to avoid most of the traffic for Pride.

I’m so grateful there are events like Pride, but I have to tell you, I don’t have much band width for those kinds of crowds anymore.

I was more than happy to be ensconced with my friend in her apartment catching up on all things life and school and love.

We had such a nice time together.

I will be spending more time with her in July when the family I nanny for is on vacation.

I will be surrounded by babies.

Even though I won’t be nannying for the three weeks the family is away.

I will also be picking up consultations at the internship, so even though I won’t necessarily be adding in clients at that time, I will be able to do consults, which is basically an initial assessment and counts towards my hours.

Which I am more than happy to pick some of that up when and where I can.

My friend though was quite happy to hear that I’ll have some time in July and she’ll be ready to get out of the house a bit more at that point and we can stroll around North Beach and be together and have coffee and cafe time and baby time.

“You can still have one!” She said to me, “look at you!”

Yes.

Every time I hold a baby, especially a newborn I do have a flashing moment of what would it be like, but I’m 44 I don’t expect that’s coming down the pipeline.

I have plenty on my plate as it is.

And I have gotten to have so many babies in my life, I am grateful, so grateful, for all the little ones I have gotten to take care of.

I laughed and smelled the little one in my arm and told her I was happy exactly as I am.

I am happy.

“You look amazing, so beautiful,” she said, and her husband concurred.

I have been given some really nice compliments lately.

It’s been nice.

It’s nice to have people see me and my happiness.

I am very happy.

Astounded with it at times and beyond grateful.

I really like who I am.

I like the shoes I wear, literally and figuratively, I got a new pair of “I’m a therapist” shoes to throw into the repertoire, Fluevog had a big huge sale and I couldn’t help it, I picked up one more pair.

They are investment shoes though, seriously, I will have them for years and years and years.

And some of my basic therapy clothes and wardrobe is starting to trickle in.

I just did a little bit of online ordering from GAP to fill out my therapist wardrobe.

I feel pretty damn grown up.

And loved and seen and happy and yeah, I don’t have complaints.

Sometimes I feel like there’s not enough time, but I have been squeezing in the time to be social and do my recovery and make work and take on clients and I have full days.

Super full.

They go fast and here it is the end of the weekend and it starts all over again.

I was invited to stay for dinner at my friend’s house, but I knew I needed to get back home, again managing to avoid the Pride traffic and super grateful for my scooter to zip through the avenues, I needed to take care of some things here and get myself ready for tomorrow and my supervision meeting before work and work and then being prepped for a new client tomorrow night after work.

I needed to get myself sorted.

I only have Sundays off now and so far it’s working, I do manage to be ultra creative about getting stuff done.

Finding pockets of time here and there.

Sometimes they are not big enough but I manage to sneak things in, a little grocery shopping here, an errand there, some time researching for clients, sometime writing for myself, cooking, laundry, you know, all the things.

The only thing suffering is my manicure.

I could use another two and a half hour block of time somewhere in my week.

It’s not going to happen until next weekend though.

And I also am in need of picking up my framed prints from Cheap Pete’s.

I thought I would do that today, but the twins were so dreamy, I stayed later than I had thought and it was super nice to help out my friends.

I will miss them so much when they move back to France.

Good thing I like going to France.

I know there will be visits.

Anyway.

I get far, far ahead of myself.

Right now.

Well.

It’s been a really good weekend and I am happy to wrap up the writing, tie up the loose ends and get ready for the week.

It’s sure to be busy.

It always is.

Ha.

Reunion

May 3, 2015

Babies.

Burners.

Bounty.

Berkeley (North)

Boom.

The room was filled with the laughter and bouncing and the juggling of three babies between six adults who were also busy getting back in touch with one another whilst talking sleep schedules, breast feeding, nursing pads, cloth diapers, double strollers, swaddling blankets, burping, gas, and well, all that is baby and life and beauty.

It was something else to see my beautiful friends with their beautiful offspring.

I did not feel left out or unnecessary or unloved, abandoned, alone, without.

I did not compare and despair.

That was nice.

I just got to look around the room with all my friends and have an afternoon of doing the deal and helping one another out and being of service.

Really, not much, but just the showing up, the making a few phone calls and the gathering of folks, friends from the city, from Castro Valley, from North Berkeley and from the fellowship.

It was amazing.

Nice is not doing it justice.

There was nothing special going on, but at the same time it was so special it made my heart ache.

In a very good way.

And also to know that I am not left behind, despite not being coupled up, married, or with baby, or twins as was the case with one or my friends.

I had to say it is astounding how a dad can get used to carrying small cargo.

He picked them up and carried them like he was holding footballs, tucked them under his arms and moseyed about.

I had never thought of my friend as a dad, but there he was, going to the next level, doing the next thing, giving mom a break and hanging out with us for the afternoon to help our friend who’s little one is now two weeks old.

And so big!

Of course, the last time I saw him he was just 18 or 19 hours old, so the growth is perhaps not that startling, but when you see them just a few weeks later, huge.

And healthy and gorgeous.

The blue eyes in the room were enough to make me gush and coo.

What I noticed too, is that my body did not react the same way it has in the past.

There was a time, around 37/38 when my body would respond, ache, with chemical need for a baby.

I noticed it.

My friends noticed it.

It’s hard to not when you see me flirting with a 2 and a 1/2 year old tow headed boy.

Or making goo goo eyes at a little girl with curly brown hair and soulful, deep brown eyes and a little bow mouth.

I would feel wracked with it sometimes.

I had the whole biological clock thing bad.

But today.

Not so much.

And for perhaps the first time I was completely and totally fine with I’m not having children.

It doesn’t make me feel weepy or weird or alone.

I felt pretty at peace with it.

Which was sweet and not something I was too sure about sharing.

I did think and have thought about having children, and I have had so many people tell me what a good mom I would make, that in a certain kind of way, I just suspected it would happen.

But as I am 42, single, and there has not been anyone since my ex, and the urge seems to be lessening, I am content to bask in the bounty of my friends and their broods.

And.

It was also a Burning Man reunion.

All six of us were at the event last year.

Although only two or us are going for sure this year and only one of us currently has a ticket.

“Listen, just keep talking action and seeing what you can bring and just plan on going, the Universe will get you a ticket, you will go,” I assured my friend as he told me about not having gotten a ticket the first round of sales and how he had registered for the Secured Ticket Exchange Program (STEP) and of course there is also the OMG sale, where a limited, but still significant number of tickets become available, 1,000, are released in early August.

“You’ll get a ticket, you will,” I said emphatically.

Then we talked about what service we were going to be doing and what we wanted to bring to the playa and how it’s changed both or our lives.

This event will make number 9 for me and there have been significant milestones in all of them.

Highlights that come up in my brain without much thought:

-putting Shadrach’s ashes in the Temple my first year

-a woman holding my hand at the Temple burn the next year while I sobbed (I hadn’t been able to stay and watch the burn the year before and it all came right back up)

-fighting in Thunder Dome

-the first time I went to the hot springs pre-event and the stars, shooting stars over head, no land light, just hot pools of water and black inky stars and a meteor shower

-putting make up on my friend the first night of her first burn and then taking her up to Gate when they opened it and cheering in the stands

-flying over the event in a small 4 seater Cessna airplane (I’ve gone up three times now, it’s astounding every time)

-being gifted Inner Circle passes five times for the night of the Man Burn

-seeing my face one of those years from the Burn get transposed in the final minutes of Spark: A Burning Man Story

-holding hands with Junebug and walking around the outskirts of Center Camp Cafe and she stops me abruptly, “Carmen, I love you.”  OH MY GOD.  I love you too, bunny, just a tiny, teeny, HUGE, bit.

-helping plaster the Narwhal at night it’s inaugural run on playa

-reciting poetry into a friends ear and the way his eyes bled blue into the high dusty sky

-being strapped into a huge tractor tire, pre-event, and getting the tire swing ride of a lifetime–lifted by a giant crane and swung around the air.

-rolling around the open playa in a golf cart and taking photographs

-meeting Duane with El Pulpo Mechanico and having a wonderful heart to heart with him

-all the tears, the discoveries, the revelations, the solo bicycle rides deep into the playa accompanied only by the imperial violet of the sky and the sunset, the solo naps out at Starfuckers before the event, the dancing, alone and in mobs of people, the shared coffees and dance offs when I volunteered with the Cafe my first year, the subsequent jobs, duties, and work, the art.

-OH, the art

I could go on for sometime.

There is so much there for me to remember and so much to look forward to and as I see my friends and their babies and I see me and my own endeavors I can only be more grateful that I get to keep doing this way of life and showing up and seeing what I can put into it.

Rather than take from it.

Please help me give rather than take.

I end up receiving so much more that way anyway.

Love.

Peace.

Fellowship.

Happiness.

Joy.

Freedom.

Basically.

All the things.


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