Today I was out and about.
I got my nails did!
It was so lovely.
I haven’t been to the nail salon since a few days prior to my surgery.
Now.
That’s been approximately 7 1/2 weeks.
A long time for this lady.
I love getting my nails done.
It has been a splurge of mine and also a bit of a living amends that I have been making for a while now.
So to go nearly two months without is saying something.
I don’t indulge in much.
No alcohol.
No sugar.
No drugs.
No flour.
I mean.
Let a girl get her nail salon on.
However.
Nail salons are also emotionally intense.
First.
One is held hostage for an hour to an hour and a half while the toes get painted and the finger nails are polished up.
And one, I mean I, I am forced to sit still and feel all the feelings that wish to flit through my mind.
And then there are the love songs.
I mean.
Is it just some romantic comedy trope, but do all nail salons have some sort of love song loop or playlist?
My salon does.
So I spend the entire time listening to love songs and trying to stay out of the dangerous neighborhood of my mind that is you.
You, my darling, you.
I seem to get more and more space from my heart ache and loss and longing for that old unrequited love siren song.
But get in me in a nail salon and I get teary.
Sigh.
I really am trying to more on, but I did seem to get walloped by it today.
Maybe it was just that I haven’t gotten my nails done for a while.
Maybe it’s that my birthday is next weekend.
49.
I am going to be 49 years old.
How the fuck did that happen?
My birthday last year was basically in lock down.
But we managed to spend most of the day together.
You cleared your calendar and I felt pretty damn special.
I won’t go into the details of the morning, although I can remember it very, very well.
We were supposed to go to a fancy French restaurant…..
Aside!
I’m going to Paris next year for my birthday and Christmas!
I figure, 50 years old is a milestone year and since I celebrated my 40th in Paris, why not my 50th?
I booked myself a pretty Air BnB in the Marais District.
My favorite neighborhood to stay in.
And it turns out to be a five minute walk to my best friends home!
I was in Paris for my 48th birthday too.
Missing you, although I was dating someone else.
A very short lived relationship.
I keep fucking hoping that one of these days I will actually be in Paris with a partner, not longing for unrequited love to come swoop me off to Cafe Charlot.
I mean.
The cheeseburgers there.
Divine.
Anyway.
We were supposed to go to a fancy French restaurant, but shelter in place happened again literally the day before my birthday.
So you scrambled and found a sushi place that was doing take out in Half Moon Bay.
We drove to Half Moon Bay and held hands and listened to our various playlists and I sat next to you, while you drove, intoxicated once again with you.
Trying.
Really trying.
To stay present and in the moment.
And I did pretty good, in hindsight, I know I was just compartmentalizing like a mad woman, but for that afternoon I managed ok.
Although, you caught me looking out at the ocean once and you knew, you always did, that I was sad.
We parked in Half Moon Bay’s cute little downtown and walked around and went to a florist shop and I got a painting that I just looked up at and a Christmas ornament–currently in a place of honor in my bedroom.
We walked past this ridiculously cute bed and breakfast and fantasized about going there next year.
“Let’s take a whole weekend next year for your birthday,” you said.
Which would be this year.
Except.
I broke up with you again.
I’ll never forget you saying, “I am so tired of breaking up with you,” the last time I saw you in person.
I’m tired of it too.
So.
I wasn’t too thrilled to be in the nail salon listening to love songs.
But.
I didn’t die.
I didn’t burst into tears.
I’ve definitely done that before.
Although.
One did slide down my face.
See.
The story goes.
I’ll be single forever and I’m getting old and you were the one and I can’t have you and I’m going to wither and die on the fucking vine.
But.
The thing is.
That is just a sad story my brain tells me.
Yes, baby, I miss you.
And baby, it’s cold outside.
And baby, I’ll always love you.
But I don’t have to be held to some cross of martyrdom and sadness alone and lost in my fantasy world of you, pining for some day, some day.
I’m allowed to be with someone.
And love will find me.
I know it will.
Even if I am haunted at the nail salon with love songs that make me think of you, it doesn’t mean that there aren’t other love songs out there for me.
Someone is singing one for me right now.
Maybe I’ll hang some mistletoe in my doorway and wait for the caroler’s to come.
I’ll be waiting.
Patiently.
By my pink Christmas tree.
Yeah.
I did that too.
heh.
I figure that I couldn’t go out and get a live one this year, too soon since the surgery, too much lifting and even thinking about getting one on the roof of my car was too overwhelming.
So I ordered a fake one.
And since, I mean, it’s fake, why not just fucking embrace it and really go fake.
I got a 7’5″ pink glitter Christmas tree.
I know.
I am not fucking around.
And today I decorated it.
It is beautiful.
And though, I thought, wouldn’t it be sweet to have you over, it would always be sweet to have you over, I can’t imagine that after 11 months of not seeing each other, you want to come over and look at my Christmas tree.
Even though the two ornaments you’ve given me are hanging up.
No one knows but me anyway.
Sigh.
Merry Christmas lover.
I hope you are well.
I still think of you.
You are often every where I look.
But like I said.
One day soon.
I’ll have a love to keep me warm.
I will weather the storm.
I thought you ought to know my heart’s on fire.
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Auntiebubba 