Posts Tagged ‘binge’

Up & Down

June 24, 2013

I breathed deeply in the car and tried to stifle the tears.

They fucking slid off my face anyway.

I apologized to my friend, “I am super sensitive right now and feel like a raw nerve, I’m sorry.”

I’m going through withdrawal.

You don’t care, don’t believe, or think I bats, but there’s plenty of evidence, not my own, that sugar withdrawal is like drug withdrawal.

Alcohol is predominately sugar.

Studies link the dopamine receptors that cocaine stimulates to be the same ones that sugar hits.  I love me some alcohol, some cocaine, and some sugar.

Except for the come down.

I know this time around the detox will be easier, but I am moody and I am sensitive and I do feel frayed around the edges.

Yesterday I thought, Jesus I must be hormonal, I forgot that just a few days back I had 48 hours of sugar and processed white flour (ie sugar) in intense amounts, ie I had a big ole binge on that  shit.

I had forgotten that there was going to be a little time necessary to get my equilibrium back and I really feel like I walked through the worst of it today.

Not so much with physical or mental cravings, those actually passed relatively quick, but with my emotions.  I felt a bit depressed and a bit like withdrawing.  Add that to my already typical isolationist perfectionist I can do it on my own tendency and there she goes down the rabbit hole.

I was in some social situations today that I felt like I was on another planet.

I felt on the outside, unloved, unliked, and rather alone.

Now, this is not true, I was none of these, and I could finally after some service to the situation, tidy here, pick up there, step into the bathroom and breathe in deeply, I was able to actually let go and enjoy what was happening.

It was fun!

But it was hours in before I realized that I was actually enjoying myself when I was getting out-of-the-way.

Plus it was a clothing swap!

I only had a few things to put into the pile, but they went quick and I was happy to see the folks that took what I had brought to the party really liked them (two articles of clothing that I had been given in Paris that no matter how hard I tried were not a good fit for me) and were glowing when they wore them.

That felt wonderful.

Then I got into the mix and what do you know, I found some stuff.

Some of which I had hand-picked out for me, “Carmen, this is so you,” and what do you know, it was!  I got to get my clothing needs met, and got to be of service and get out of my emotional way.

Of course it came back.

When I was hungry.

Thank god my friend was able to ask me what I needed and we stopped at a little market in Glenn Park.

Sidebar–Glenn Park how cute are you?

I slammed a cup of coffee, grabbed a low-fat unsweetened one serving tub of Greek yogurt, a banana, and a sugar-free protein bar.

I ate, felt my body chemistry swing back to normal and drank some water.

Which is what I keep reminding myself to do, drink more water, you will feel better.

Pause for sip of tea followed by bubbly water.

Man I love me some bubbly water, can I just put that on tap please?

My friend and I headed out to Maxfield’s and got some tea and then I got to see more folks and check in with an old friend I had not seen in a while and my friend and I had just an amazing talk, compassionate, sweet, wise.

I have said it before, I will say it again, I am so blessed to have the women in my life that I do.

Seriously blessed.

“Carm, you got to own it,” my friend said to me, “look at that hair, you’re exotic, love it, be happy with you, you don’t have to become anything, you are ok.”

I always have this idea that when I get there I will be fine.

Except the there always is moving.

I am going to be fine just here.

Just now.

Just right.

I am in a flying blind part of my life, but I have support underpinning it all, and when I realized that I was just in a really tender, sensitive place, I was actually able to work through it.

With some guidance and sweet words and insights from my friend.

Who also said, “he is NOT married,” when I saw some one who smiled and waved from across the street.

“You’re back!” He hollered and waved.

I wasn’t sure if he meant my friend or myself, both of us have been outside of San Francisco on and off for a little while now.

But when he came up to me directly an hour later and gave me a big hug and shined at me, I thought, boy howdy, good to know you’re not married.

“Hey,” I said as he walked away, grabbing his hand with a squeeze and pressing a folded up piece of paper into it, “I always thought you were married.”

“Nope,” he smiled, “I’m not.”

“Well that’s good news,” I said and grinned back, “that’s my number, call me if you ever want to have a coffee and hang out.”

He smiled back and walked ahead to catch up with his friends.

Who knows what will come of that, but it felt nice to do.

With every down there is an up.

Thank God I can see what has been happening and thank god I have friends who tolerate my crazy.

Just got to walk through a few more days of sugar detox and I’ll go back to the regularly scheduled brand of crazy.

Thank you for putting up with me until then.

 


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