Posts Tagged ‘brown paper packages tied up with string’

Let Go

December 14, 2016

Move the fuck on.

“Block his number,” my person said succinctly and to the point.


I had not thought of that.

Then I thought.


That’s the right thing to do.

I just unfriended as well off social media and each small step was a little moving in the right direction.

There’s nothing wrong with the guy, fyi, in case you’re wondering.

What’s wrong or perhaps not quite right, or perhaps better yet, what wasn’t working for me, is that I was falling into the same stupid trap again.

Better to let go the person and move the fuck on.

I don’t do myself or anyone else a service when I’m up in fantasy land.

And it wasn’t that good, I remind myself.


It wasn’t bad either, it just didn’t serve, it wasn’t good for me, it didn’t fulfill my heart, I was left wanting a lot more and wanting more from a person who is not capable of offering more is something that I do and I have often crumpled in the face of change, when oh, that rut is so comfy and I know it so well.


Didn’t you see?

I just redecorated and got a new couch for the space.

Fuck me.

I expressed to my person today that I was actually relieved that the guy I was supposed to spend time with last night cancelled.

But in a twist I wasn’t expecting my person added, you deserve to be respected, block his number.


You mean I deserve the time of day, the respect of my schedule, that my needs are important.

Stop the fucking presses.


Of course.

And if I don’t step up to that it’s my own damn fault.

So rather than fall down that hole again, Alice decided to take the elevator up to the top of the hill and look around.

See what she can see.

I see yoga in my future.

Signed up for a class tomorrow.

Went today.

Hella stiff and sore and snaggle toothed and old, man I just felt stupid and old.

Then, as I relaxed a little, I did think to myself, lady pants you sat in a desk chair at school for 29 hours, of course your body is out of whack, and you didn’t get more than five or six, max, and I do mean max, hours of sleep for the last four nights.

Give yourself a break and be happy you showed up to the mat.

Expectations always do take me down.

They just lead to resentment.

And a life lived on resentment is not one I wish to have.


This lady is all about happy and fun.

Let me repeat that.




Fun does not need to be roller coasters.

Fun can be writing Christmas cards or sending packages in the mail.

I got my oldest niece her gift today, I saw it last week at Rainbow and was quite taken with it, granted it was more expensive than I had planned on spending, art supplies, but, fuck, I just knew it when I saw it, had her name written all over it.


I got it.

And then I mailed her card and my mom’s Christmas package and my sister’s too, which included a few things for my youngest niece.

It really felt so sweet and good to put their packages in the mail.

I feel blessed that I can send them gifts.

It wasn’t always that way and there were years and lapses in time that I didn’t send my family gifts.

It feels right to make up for that now and to continue fostering connections.

Even if it’s just a card in the mail.

It means I love you.

I do you know.

So much.

Breaks my heart.

I’m ok with that, heart break, I’ve had my share, I’ll probably have more before my days here on this plane are done.

And that’s ok too.

It means I’m alive.

What a fucking gift, this, to be alive, to be in this skin.

It’s not perfect, but it’s mine and I’m ever so grateful for it.


A beautiful gift that I get to treat well and respect and care for and love.

I’m getting better at that all the time.

And I do deserve respect.

It felt good to remind myself of that this afternoon.

I had made the phone call check in to my person this afternoon while I was at the beginning of my work shift, although certainly not the beginning of my day–that had started hours and hours before I even got to work.

But I did not block the phone number until late in the afternoon.



I was wondering vaguely in the back of my head if he was going to text me today and what would I say and.

What the fuck, Martines?!


Block the number now.

It’s like a dangerous default, I don’t even know my brain is going there.

This is why I work with people, this is why I make myself accountable to others, their perspectives are so fucking important.

I walk around with god damn blinders on.

“He’s totally interested in you,” my girlfriend said to me years and years ago.

“No he’s not, he’s gay,” I told my friend.

“Gay?  Are you out of your mind, he’s literally beating your face with his penis, Carmen, he’s so not gay,” my friend said with incredulity, then dipped her french fry into the pool of ranch dressing on her plate.  “Seriously, he has a great big boner for you and it’s a not a gay boner.”

Turns out.

He wasn’t gay.

Once in a while.

I think.

Oh, look, a new perspective, I’ve taken off  the blinders.


You know.

I’m always in my way.

I’m the one thing in my way.

So, pray to God, I’m serious, get the fuck out of your own way.

Go have fun.

Go play pinball.

Go to yoga.

Let go.

Move on.

And don’t worry.

You’re on a collision course with what is supposed to happen.

You just can’t see around the corner.

You’re not blind.

But you’re not a mind reader either.

Just saying.


December 8, 2015

What’s up?

I was waiting for the Uber to come and grab me–I left the bicycle at the work place over the weekend since they had me work late on Friday.

It was a friend from the neighborhood going my way.

I cancelled the car and hopped in.

It was a lovely surprise.

I forget that when I really need people, they will be there for me, even when I am not expecting them.

I get these little God shots when I am overwhelmed and I suddenly run into someone who I haven’t seen in awhile or I look up and someone across the street is smiling and I am just reborn.

The ride and the company were a great way to start my day.

A day that had started hours earlier, three or so, with a nice bit of quiet time, then breakfast, coffee, and reading for school.


I do have some this week, but it’s to review and skim.

I have the big stuff done.

I left my final project presentation alone.

I did not want to look at it again.

I gave myself a day of rest.

I did not slough the work though, I read one chapter in a book very thoroughly and then skimmed a second.

I checked my syllabus on line and discovered my readers and syllabi are up on the site.


That was fast.

I could go buy my readers tomorrow.

I am not going to though.

I am spending my hard earned money elsewhere at this time.

One of the perks of my friend picking me up was that I got to work a half hour early and was able to swing into a shop around the corner and get the rest of my mom’s, sister’s, and youngest niece’s Christmas presents.

That felt really nice to do and I wrapped them tonight when I got home from doing the deal.

I had fun.

I also hung my first Christmas card on a curled piece of evergreen twine with a wooden clothes pin.


I’m like that.

I’ve pretty much finished my Christmas cards.

I did them this weekend when I was taking study breaks.

I had a couple more to do this evening and wrote them out as well.

I love Christmas.

There really is just something so god awful special about it.

I love the lights and the ribbons and the boxes and bows.


The glitter.


I have glitter all over me right now.



I amuse myself.

I am unexpectedly stressed, a tiny bit, not really, it’s just, well, there is one person who I don’t know what to get.

Sort of like that person who gets for themselves everything they need or want and I just don’t know how to do it.

I mean.

I have had ideas, but nothing that says, yes!


I’m good at making food.

I thought about that.

Of course I’m not sure when I have time in the next week what with it being a school weekend and all that.

I am a bit flummoxed.

I want to do something special for this person.

They have done so much for me.

My heart hurts sometimes when I reflect on it.

To be loved and given to and to receive, to accept another’s gifts, it can be a challenge for me and I have learned a lot from this person about how to give and to receive.

I want to give back.

And I want it to be special.

That’s just how I roll.

I don’t know what it is yet, but I will when I see it.

It may not be a present, it could be an experience, maybe I make something, that is most likely what I will do.

A combination of making something and sharing an experience.

I have had an idea.

I shall keep it under my hat, it’s early in the making.

The best giving I have is to give my service.

Or share my experience and that has been a joy.

I also have had a lot of help from others in my community with help staying connected while doing this thing called grad school and I want to give back there too.

Which at the moment is showing up and doing the deal whenever and where ever I can.

The showing up is the biggest thing.

Just show up.

The rest will follow.

I will do that for school.

I will do that for work.

I will do that in my relationships.

That is really the best I can do.

“Thank you for breathing tonight!”  The woman next to me said with a radiant smile, “I forget how to breathe and when we did the meditation I could hear your breath, in through the nose, out through the mouth, it was so relaxing and helpful.”


I was of service just breathing.

Rock on.

I love that.

Sometimes just sitting in the same chair, the same place, week in and week out, is a service.

A comfort.

I want to comfort and care for and love those about me.

Even when I want those things most for myself, I realize, again and again, rather, it is in the giving of the comfort that I receive the most.

That is probably why I like Christmas so much.

It’s an excuse to give the way I really like to give.

To dress it up in brown paper wrapping and string.

Nestle it deep in tissue paper.

Curling ribbon pulled with a scissors.


Gift tags with glitter and swans.

The “x’s” and “o’s” on the package.

The stamping the red envelopes and sealing them all with a kiss and love.

I get so much from giving.

It blows open my heart.

So grateful for this life.

This year.

This Christmas.










Yes, you, always, you.

For you.

So much love.


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