Surprisingly Together

And well grounded.

I don’t even feel all that tired.

Which is sort of shocking, considering that I just got back from doing an 11 hour school day.

I was prepared though and able to carry through with all the things that needed to be attended to and I did some good self-care, got up early, took a nice hot shower before breakfast, made a nice unsweetened vanilla coconut/almond milk latte, I rode the MUNI into class, rain, and connected with all my sweet friends.

I also feel that there was a distinct shift for me in being able to focus on the classes and material as I have all my practicum stuff nailed down, I don’t have any anxiety about trying to make it all happen.

It all happened.

I’m registered and all my paperwork is signed.

It’s like walking the plank with my eyes wide open.

I have started the journey and I have no clue exactly what I am about to leap into, but I am on the way to leaping.

I have a few weeks of “freedom” haahahaha, that’s funny, (final projects, papers, and one more weekend of class) before I have to start supervision, and about a month and a half before I start at my internship.

I will have Paris before that.

Although, it does now look like I won’t be in the Marais, my friend’s house had some unexpected water damage and there will be construction happening.

I will be staying with a friend of hers in the 10th.

This is going to be a new one, but not that new, I’ve done Air BnB before when traveling, I’ll be staying with someone new, but he’s in a great location and he’s a dear friend of my friend and frankly anyone who is her close friend is going to be a good friend of mine.

I have nothing to complain about, I get to stay somewhere free in Paris.

That is a huge gift.

She is a huge gift in my life.

I am so grateful for her and for my other friends that I reconnected with today.

There were lots and lots and lots of hugs.

Some tears too.

Life happens and it’s hard and we all showed up for each other in some pretty spectacular ways today, I felt honored and privileged to be a part of the cohort and happy to be seen by my friends.

I also got some extraordinary remarks, comments and feedback on a paper I wrote from my professor who I hold in most highest esteem, her opinion of me and my abilities means a lot to me.

I know I’ve got her up on a pedestal, but she really is an amazing teacher and I needed an amazing teacher to be able to do the work that is required for doing trauma work.

“I suppose you learn a lot about yourself,” my driver said to me tonight as we chit chatted about my program.

Folks often have this idea that I’m headed out to some party or some fun Friday night thing but no, I’m just going home after doing 11 hours of school, which leads to a conversation about what I am studying.

My driver asked me so many questions and it was really fun to share some of the things that I am learning and practicing and I could also tell he was trying to get, “Just asking for a friend,” information about whether I thought Couples Therapy had any efficacy.

I basically gave him a session on the ride home.

It was like Taxi Cab Confessionals except from the passengers purview.

It also let me realize, in the telling, that I know a lot more than I even realize and that I can disseminate the material well enough to a lay person to make concepts clear and ideas and it was sort of cool to just let myself talk and hear the theories fall out of my mouth.

I really had a moment of being, “who is this person talking?”

And it was me.

I am sure I will have my doubts and troubles, my anxieties and fears, but I feel that I have come a really big way and I feel like I can see myself being able to take on clients.

I can do this.

I really can.

And.

I am going to be good at it.

God damn it’s nice to find my niche, to know where I am most needed to fit myself to be of maximum service, to know I can be of help and do well by myself as well.

There is life long learning as well.

I appreciate that.

I will keep growing.

I will keep getting to find out and experience different things.

There will always be books to read, articles to write, experiences to be had, I have such a full rich life, this work only adds a deeper complexion and color to a glass that is full to overflowing with love and experience.

Grateful.

That is where I stand.

In a place of deep gratitude.

And I always could see more softening in me, more resilience, and more acceptance of myself, where I am in the program and where I can ease up a little, in the classroom and in my interactions with other students in the cohort.

We are a pretty incredible bunch and I’m super lucky to get to learn from them as well as my teachers.

All the learning.

It’s amazing.

I am so grateful that I am allowing it to keep happening, to keep engaging, to keep growing, to keep pushing at the edges of boundaries and seeing what else and where else I can grow.

Yes.

Growth is painful.

But as they say, “pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth.”

I have had some growth spurts this year, and it’s only April.

Leaning into.

Learning to love myself more.

Doing the deal.

And showing up.

That’s pretty much it for today’s check-in.

Off to get some more sleep than I did last night.

So.

I can get up.

And.

Do it all over again.

Things Falling

Into place.

I am not nearly as anxious this Tuesday as I was last Tuesday.

Last Tuesday, which seems so far away, but was truly just a week ago, I was in a high state of panic and anxiety most of the day.

Today.

Well.

Not so much.

I thought about it at one point.

I should get anxious!

Really?

That’s your solution?

Get anxious.

Nah.

Did that all day last Tuesday, the thought was fleeting and I was glad to let it go.

Then again, I was also quite busy at work attending to all the things that I wasn’t able to yesterday since the kids had a day off from school.

I was pretty much on the go from the minute I got to work up until the minute I left for work.

Which left little time for anxiety.

I also, thank you to the office of the practicum placement team, got a lot of relief yesterday.

I had a big outstanding question in regards to my supervision for the internship.

Because I am not going through the ICC’s (Integral Counseling Center) I have to an off site supervisor, so my need to skip doing the ICC’s because I needed to have flexibility with my work schedule also presented me with an additional logistic–finding an independent supervisor that was willing to take me on with my weirdo schedule.

The school made a big list of supervisors available to us, but I have to say I was a little dismayed to get a lot of “sorry, I’m not taking on supervisees right now.” when I was making my first rounds of inquiry.

The person whom I’m meeting with tomorrow also was not 100% on board, but he asked what my schedule allowed for and as it turned out, serendipitously, he has a current supervisee who will be leaving him at the same time that I am needing to start, and the time he has available would be work for my schedule, I would go in to see him before I go to work on Monday mornings.

Monday, FYI, which is already a hard day, hello, it’s Monday, is shaping up to be a twelve-hour day.

Two hours off site supervision, seven hours of work, two and a half hours of internship.

9 a.m.-9 p.m.

Yeehaw.

I won’t be starting it all at the same time, however, there will be some breathing space to get used to the additional hours.

IF the supervisor tomorrow takes me on, pretty fucking please, I’ll start an official summer class of two credits Monday, April 24th.

I don’t actually start my internship until Monday, May 22nd.

I’ll be in school until the weekend May 5-7th and then I’ll be in Paris May 11th-May 21st.

Yes, that’s correct, I will start my internship the Monday after I get back from ten days in Paris.

Le sigh.

However, I’ll be starting soft and slow, I probably won’t take on a client that first week.

I get ahead of myself.

All I have to do next is show up tomorrow and be my best self.

I’m not crazy about the fact that the weather is supposed to be shit, I won’t be able to ride my scooter into the interview, but hey, that’s what car share apps are for.

I just have to make sure I give myself enough time to get there and be sorted out.

He made it very clear that I was to be in the office waiting room by 9:30 a.m.

Not buzzing to get in, but actually in the waiting room by 9:30 a.m.

Which is not on the first floor of the building, so I want to be there in a timely manner, give myself a little leeway, a little breathing space, a little moment to pause, pray, and let go, to remember that showing up is the biggest action I can take and that the rest of it will follow.

If he accepts me I have the paperwork ready to be signed and then I can get his signatures and proceed to the next part, which is to take that paperwork to my academic advisor and to the head of the department for their signatures.

Lucky for me, the head of the department and my advisor are the same person.

Once he signs it I can take it to the papers, there’s a lot of them, to the practicum office and hand it over to the woman who so kindly called me to respond to the e-mail question I had.

“You get those signatures from _________ and _________ and I will personally walk it all over to the registrars office for you.”

Thank God.

I can’t wait to have this part of it behind me.

I know there’s so much more to go, this is just one small moving part of a whole machine, a machine that feels super complicated and monstrous and big and behemoth, but it’s doable if I just do a tiny little bit every day.

Some days.

Like tomorrow.

The small bit is actually a bit bigger, but in the end it really is just going to meet a person at 9:30 a.m. on Fell Street in Hayes Valley.

Which, I have to say, is nice place for me to be in supervision, it is easy for me to get to and I know the neighborhood and I’ll b able to do my work commute from there fairly quick.

Plus, there’s good coffee in the neighborhood–Ritual, Blue bottle–always a plus.

It feels really nice to not be so stressed out.

I am super glad the anxiety has faded away and though there is a lot to do, I can feel that I am making progress and the unknown is not so scary now that I have a tiny bit better of a grasp on what I need to do next.

I remind myself that I have only this 24 hours and all the things that needed to get done got done.

I’m happy, I’m healthy, I saw people I love today, I took good care of my charges, and made their dinner and got super big hugs and appreciative compliments about my cooking from both of the kids.

Which is a big deal.

And I know what is just next in front of me.

And that’s all I need to know.

Take the next action in front of me.

Let go of the results.

Easy.

Heh.

 

Change Up

My weekend plans have changed again.

I had thought since Stephanie was not coming from Wisconsin I would be having a “normal” weekend here in the city.

I went online and found a place that I can rent a horse from and go horse back riding on the beach.  That’s right, just because I put my ass back on the online dating block does not mean I am going to sit around and wait for some one to take me out on a date.

I can do it just as well.

I found a little stable outside of Daly City,  I believe its located next to Fort Funston?  And I could ride my bike out there or if I am feeling like it I could get a City Car Share and drive over.  The horses rent by the hour and since I have only been on a horse once, when I was fourteen, an hour feels about right.

Then I can take myself on a little date, maybe grab a bowl of soup and a coffee at the Sea Biscuit or at the Java Beach Cafe.  Hell, I might even let myself get lucky.  It’s not like it’s my first date with myself or anything.

Then, I got a flurry of text messages today at work.  It turns out Stephanie will be coming out, but not to San Francisco, unless you count flying out of SFO back to Wisconsin.  Rather, she will be in Sonoma.  I can have her for one day and one evening.  If I can get my ass to Sonoma.

Good thing I got my licensed renewed.  Looks like I will be taking out a City Car Share and taking a drive to Sonoma on Saturday.

Hopefully I can get the day off.  I have not gotten a response back from my General Manager as to whether or not it is possible.  I can’t imagine that I won’t get it, but I am rather in limbo for the moment.

I cannot remember the last time I drove out of the city by myself, oh yes I can!  Shannon and Alex’s wedding in the Santa Cruz mountains–that was actually a pretty nice little drive too.

Almost forgot.

I have never driven to Sonoma, however.  This can be my dry run for Heather and Fred’s wedding in June.  They are getting married in Glen Ellen, which, from what I understand is in Sonoma.

I do not know a lot about Sonoma, it’s wine country.  As a retired wino I don’t really care.  Actually, even when I was drinking, I was no huge fan of wine.  I could describe it really well when I was selling it at the high-end restaurants I worked at, but as far as drinking it, I never really acquired a taste for it.

I was a beer girl.  Beer and vodka and cocaine and cigarettes.  I was going to say the trifecta, but then I realized that I rarely did one without the other or the other or the other.

Which, side bar, the search terms are cracking me up tonight.  On my stats page it shows the search terms used to find my blog–tonight’s hit: “what happens to my anus when I put cocaine in it?”

Answer: you get fucked up.

Yeesh.

Thankyougodfornothavingmeusetodaythankyougodfornothavingmeuseyettodaythankyougodfornothavingmeuseyettodaythankyougodfornothavingmeuseyettoday.

No thank you.

Dude.

Anyway, back to Sonoma.  Maybe it will be sunny.  That would rock.  The rain is a bit of a bummer, no bike riding for me.  But the walk to work was lovely and home as well.  The smell of wet jasmine is furiously intoxicating at night, I can’t get enough of it.  Reminds me of Jitterbug Perfume, been a second since I have read any Tom Robbins, my gosh.

Although reading when it’s raining outside is just such a cozy feeling, I have a new Paul Auster novel to rock out, very excited to break into that with a hot cup of tea here in a moment.

Ah, an unexpected road trip!

This could be a lot of fun.  Hell, it will be a lot of fun.  I like to drive.  I am a true American on that one.  I may wander very close to the vegetarian/vegan side of town, I may ride my bike every where, my carbon footprint is fairly smallish, yet, there is a big old part of me that loves to drive, that loves the open road.

Give me some good Steve Miller Band, shaddup, and an open window and a winding road and I am happy.

Happy.

God, I could actually use a longer road trip than just to Sonoma.  I could use a camping trip too.  Maybe a drive to the Grand Canyon, which I have never seen. Or to Yellow Stone Park, where I have never been.  Or down the coast to Carmel, never been there either.

Or a drive up to the Redwoods and a beach camp out.  I have been to Humble County and seen the redwoods and the Elk and that was pretty fantastic, but it’s been over seven years since I made that drive.

I forget that there are so many things to see outside of the city.  I haven’t owned a car in over nine years.

Nine.

Wow.

I would love a car, I am not going to lie, but I don’t see one in my future.

Of course, I have no idea what the future is going to be.  The love of my life could walk into the bike shop tomorrow.

Or not.

I could win the lottery.

Or not.

I suppose, since I don’t play it, the odds on that are probably not so much in my favor.

A road trip.  The pavement unfolding ahead of me.  A stereo turned up loud.  The breeze in my hair, now that I have hair to ruffle.  A sack of apples to nibble on while I drive.  A sparkling bottle of cold water.  A cup of coffee. Stopping at farm stands on the way.  I could definitely get into this.

Keeping my fingers crossed that I get to go.

I can already feel the sun on my arm as it hangs out the window.

Bring on the farmers tan!

 

Ahhhh, Payday

I have such plans for you.  And then, we’re done.

Yup.  That was it.  I had such plans for you.  I must remember that I am paying rent this month, the couch surfing days of no rent are gone.

I have to sit down tomorrow and do my spending plan before I go out into the wilds of “nesting” land and feather up my little room.

I did get a microwave today.  From Rich in the Castro.  Another craigslist find.  Brand new, in the box, retro style, super cute, and he delivered it to me at work.  It’s in the design studio upstairs.  I reserved a City Car Share for tomorrow in the early evening.  I will be fully self-sufficient in my inlaw/studio by the end of tomorrow.

I am also getting my shelving unit from Harringtons.  And I am going to sneak in a big grocery shop at Rainbow.  I reserved the car for two hours.  I figure as long as I have a car for a few hours I may as well take it to the grocery store and stock up.

I am really quite liking this whole car share deal.  Not too expensive and quite convenient to my schedule and there seem to be a lot of little car pods around my neighborhood.

I am also going to get a space heater so that I may return Mrs. Fishkin’s to its proper home.  I am very happy with the little guy she gave me, and my toes have been toasty and my fingers have not been chilly.  Makes for writing my blog a whole lot nicer.

This morning as I sat here at my desk I was suffused with this feeling of gentleness and serenity.  I had a tummy full of warm oatmeal and organic apples, and a fresh pot of Stumptown coffee, Holler Mountain, in my French press.  The sunlight streamed through my window and I sat basking in the contentment that is having ones own space.

I feel really blessed and quite fortunate to have it.  And it was worth the wait.  It’s still a little awkward, I have been making breakfast in the kitchen and the patriarch still says nothing to me when I come through and say good morning.  But today, he smiled at me.

That’s a start.

I haven’t seen anyone else, although I hear them on occasion.  I also will be able to prance about naked if I want to–got my curtain rod today that fits the window properly.  I hung the bottom panels as soon as I walked in the door.  Well, first I turned on the space heater, then I hung the curtains.

This space is so distinctly different from the rest of the house, and so obviously me.  My co-worker, Carlos, gave me sweet gruff today when my microwave was dropped off at the store for me.  He teased me for being so girly.

You know you’re girly when a gay man teases you about it.

I admit it.  I really am.

On top of getting my abode done tomorrow, I will also be indulging in the girl and getting a manicure, pedicure, and eye brow wax.  I was going to celebrate my move in last weekend by doing that, but I got caught up unpacking and so, I went a week past my due.

My nails be ragged.  I typed  a lot this week.  And I did a lot of data entry at work.  Time for a little polish.  And a little relaxation.  It’s not a massage, but I do get to sit in a massage chair, and that is pretty sweet.

I garnered a lot of good suggestions about massage places, so I may use what I have not set aside for groceries, phone, student loans, and a few other sundries, toward a massage.  I am going to strive to be in the best of both worlds this weekend–get what I need to get done, laundry, grocery shopping, taxes, pick up appliances, do spending plan, with a little nice pampering of self tossed in there as well.

I may schedule a little session at Kabuki on Sunday.  Massage and hot bath.

Oh, good lord, I think I just drooled a little on myself.  That sounds super fabulously yummy.  I will check into that for sure.

Makes me chuckle to realize I already have my weekend mapped out.  I suppose I should leave a little room in there for spontaneity, for things to happen outside of my schedule and my plans.  There is also writing that must be done and places that must be gone to and commitments fulfilled.

I don’t want to schedule every last second of every last-minute of my weekend.  I get a little nervous with down time, with unscheduled time, but I need a little play time and a little slow down time in there as well.

Because, if I don’t I”ll probably end up crashing into something.  Or tripping on something.  I don’t need a reminder to slow down.  I will just remind myself to slow down right now.

I will start by not setting my alarm for tonight.  I will end by allowing my day to unfold however it is supposed to.  The one most important thing to do is spend an hour at Valencia and 15th.  The rest of the day will happen however it’s supposed to.

Hell, I can even cancel the car share if need be.  Although, I feel that to provide myself with the autonomy of my own cooking space, is an important thing to take care of.

So, two things that are scheduled for tomorrow.  The rest of it, will happen or it won’t.

I am not going to spend my precious time trying to figure it out.

That’s just crazy making.