Frank Sinatra

Christmas carols.

Laying in your arms in the glow of the blue lights on the tree.

My heart beat syncopated with yours.

Warm, soft tears slide down my face.

I hope you do not notice.

Content and wrapped in your embrace a softening shelter I did not know I needed.

I think about you.

Love.

And.

Our.

Love.

So many kinds.

Blue love.

Joyful love.

Peanut butter and chocolate chip cookie love.

Christmas carol love.

Hanging filigree ornament love.

Pink bunny love.

Walks on the beach at twilight love.

Butterflies in the garden love.

Flowers wrapped in gunny sacks and tied with twine love.

Candlelight love.

Untold love.

1,000 kisses love.

Tears on my pillow love.

Crows passing red berries in the snow, beak to beak, love.

Love letters love.

Poetry love.

Shameless love.

Not sorry love.

Not safe love.

Hands entwined love.

Squish love.

Passionate love.

Chemistry love.

Alchemical love.

Magic love.

Moonlight love.

Star shine love.

Dressing up in my prettiest dress for you love.

Pink glitter lip gloss love.

Baby girl love.

Dearest, sweetest, tenderest love.

Vulnerable love.

Smash love.

Precious love.

Spectacular love.

Cannot wait to see you love.

Miss you all the time love.

Dreamy love.

All the love I have for you, love.

Christmas Eve love.

Wishing you all the joy love.

All the blessings of love.

All the happiest happiness of love.

For you.

My love.

Wishing you it all.

Merry Christmas baby.

I love you.

 

 

More Done

I just got some more done.

I finally had a dream to write about for my Jungian DreamWork class.

Of course, it was a nightmare.

Not a bad nightmare, more just vaguely ominous and disturbing.

And since it was really the only dream I could remember, write about it I did.

I also asked the professor if we could work the dream in class tomorrow.

The format of the class is the first half is about course material, readings, and the second half of the class is about applying that to dream interpretation and doing dream work.

It’s been fascinating watching the dreams get worked out in class and I have seen some really powerful work done.

I am a little shy about doing this work but I also have an enormous amount of curiosity about the dream, in fact, if I don’t work it out in class I may bring it into my therapist next week.

Suffice to say.

I have finished the assignment and I just turned in my two page reflection paper assignment on it and that’s one more thing checked off my list of what needs to be done to finish up the semester.

Day one of classes done, completed my Psychopharmacology and Human Sexuality class, as well as my Elder, Child, and Spousal Abuse class and my Cognitive Behavioral class.

All done.

Now I need to do my final group project presentation for Transpersonal Psychology tomorrow and then that class is basically finished.

Granted I still need to attend class on Sunday to fulfill the class requirements, but it will be a very chill class having done all the work I can just show up and kick back.

I also just did a little refining of the work that I need to present tomorrow and I feel quite good about how the group is going to present.

I met with my group project classmates after class and ironed out how the group wants to proceed and though it was a bit rocky getting all the pieces together, they did come together.

Very thankful for my group members.

And super thankful that one more piece is falling into place.

Tomorrow is also my last day of class for my Alcohol and Chemical Dependency class.

All I have to do is show up and turn in my paper.

I am so ready to off load another paper, get it out-of-the-way, wrap it up and not have to worry about it any longer.

Which leaves one last paper to write for the semester, my final paper for Jungian DreamWork.

I have had no ideas until today what I wanted to write about.

And I think I have an idea now that I will flesh out after attending class tomorrow.

It feels substantive enough that I will be able to cover the number of pages required for the paper without having to kill myself to do so.

I do feel that I will be able to kick it out on Sunday.

And.

Then.

Oh.

Yes.

Go get my Christmas tree.

I am super excited.

I was gifted a Christmas ornament today.

I just love it.

It’s an old-fashioned filigree horse and carriage.

I love vintage style ornaments and this fits the bill so nicely.

I was super touched to receive it, it shall be the first ornament I hang on my tree.

Every year I get myself an ornament as I have been slowly replacing all the old one that I had back in Madison over twenty years ago now, childhood ornaments that were lost.

Long story short my ex boyfriend threw away all my Christmas ornaments one year, thinking that they had been ruined in a flood that had happened over the summer and destroyed all the things in the basement storage.

I did not know that he had thrown them out.

I did not know that he had moved the box to the basement, my Christmas ornaments were sacred to me, and I had them in a closet that was cleaned out and all the items moved to the basement, one of the few things that I had managed to keep as I moved from place to place to place in my childhood–my God the number of places I lived as a little kid–and I was devastated when I found out they had been thrown away.

I do have to acknowledge that my boyfriend felt pretty damn bad and he took me to Sparby’s Christmas Barn in Waunakee and told me to pick out whatever I wanted.

And every year since I have added one or two ornaments to my collection.

I now have a fair decent amount, but I was still so touched by the gift.

When someone pays attention to the things that have meaning to me it makes the gift even more special.

I felt very special when I was gifted it.

Little things mean a lot.

I have been given so much and I realize how grateful I am for this life, my life, with all its growth and learning and experiences and how big my life is.

I really am the luckiest girl in the world.

I have so much.

So very much.

 

All the things.

All the love.

All.

The.

Love.

And

I’m almost done with the semester.

So close.

I can fucking taste it.

So close.

Honky Tonk Heart Break

I have nothing to complain about.

Especially when I listen to the music from this Spotify playlist.

Honky tonk heart-break is a for real thing.

Bottom of the whiskey bottle, bottom of the bear glass, the lonesome sound of the woman you love walking out the door.

Yeouch.

I mean.

What do I have to complain about?

My massage was kind of weak.

Oh.

It wasn’t bad, but I was surprised, in fact, at one point I thought to myself, deep tissue, my ass, this isn’t deep tissue at all.

It was pleasant, I suppose, but not what I was hoping for.

In fact, the spa really wasn’t as posh as I thought it would be.

It was still nice, I’m not bitching, but I was a bit surprised, it was smaller, and the back patio was covered with leaves and the reclining chairs didn’t have cushions.

So much for sitting outside on a lounge and getting some sun.

The fireplace wasn’t on either.

That bummed me out.

It, was, however, when I left, I thought that was funny.

The massage was nice though, and the sauna was good and it was nice to drive my car to a new spot in town and to find parking that wasn’t a meter in the area was pretty sweet.

I also made a little pilgrimage to Nest and got a sweet little Christmas ornament.

Last year I actually was pining pretty bad for Christmas.

I think it was mostly the fact that I was so fucking lonely last year, since I was under quarantine with the lice, I let myself get a Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving.

I saw social media post of people who have already got up their tree and I was like, whoa!

I’m not feeling it quite like that this year.

Although, granted I am very much looking forward to getting a Christmas tree.

It’s an expensive bit of self-care.

I get a live tree and they’re expensive, but the smell, oof, so good.

I just love having that smell and the magic of Christmas lights and the sweetness of having presents wrapped under the tree.

So, yeah, it was fun to get an ornament today on Fillmore Street.

And I thought about doing a little Black Friday shopping, but once I got back to my car, I would have to move it and re-park it and it just didn’t seem worthwhile.

I hit the road Jack instead.

I did actually, inadvertently do a little shopping anyhow.

I swung into Laurel Village on my way home to deposit a check into my bank and there was an Ace Hardware store there that I got a bunch of little things there.

A replacement light bulb for my salt lamp my friend gave me for Christmas last year.

A set of blue Christmas tree lights, I have some from last year, but I think I needed to replace a strand.

I always do blue lights, I like to have an Elvis Blue Christmas theme for the tree.

I got a pack of printer paper, I got a pack of papers I need to write-up before the semester wraps up.

I also got a phone charger for my car!

That was cool and I got a car mount kit so that I can mount my phone to the dashboard.

Quite happy with that as well.

And can I just say, Bluetooth is revolutionary.

So nice to have my Spotify go straight to my radio.

So nice to have phone calls I can answer via touching a little button on my steering wheel.

Amazing.

My mom was my first call I took in the car.

Heh.

Also, lovely, really, to have navigation, I love plugging in the address and having the directions told to me.

Remember maps?

I fucking do.

Fuckers.

I had a stash of them and somehow never quite used them all that well.

I mean.

I made it across country driving my little two door Honda Accord, but really I am still amazed I made it.

All the places I used to have to look up in an Atlas, remember having the AAA Atlas in your car?

Maps for every state.

I think that’s what I used to drive cross-country.

Now all I have to do is type in the address on my phone and my car literally syncs up with my phone and the directions come out of the speakers.

It’s fucking magic.

I know.

Maybe it’s not magic for you, you’re used to this, but remember, I haven’t owned a car in fifteen years.

It’s really nice.

I have to say, I really like it.

I’m so grateful to have gotten it.

I am so grateful for all the help I got getting it, meant the world, it really did.

There is such a comfort in driving.

It feels right.

It’s really interesting.

It feels right to be in a car.

I must be an American.

And one from the Midwest for sure.

It was out of the question for me to not have a car when I was in Wisconsin.

It wasn’t for over a decade here.

Plenty of transit options, shit, more so now then when I moved here if you count Lyft and Uber and Get Around and car share services and what all.

But.

Really.

Having my own car is something special.

It feels really natural.

I am almost surprised by how natural it feels.

And occasionally, I will admit, a tiny bit smug that it’s a stick shift.

Not sure if smug is quite the right word.

Perhaps.

Self-satisfied.

There is something about being able to drive a stick shift that seems really cool and a bit anachronistic and well, just a tiny bit out of the ordinary.

All things I rather like about myself.

The manual feels right and of course, that makes sense to me since all I owned previously were manuals.

It’s rather like coming home.

And being surprised that it’s been patiently waiting for me all along.

It’s not honky-tonk at all.

Nope.

Not one bit.

But I can play honky-tonk in my car if I want to.

Ha.

It’s Beginning

To look a lot like Christmas.

Except.

Well.

No tree this year.

No tree for me.

Although I did, temporarily consider it.

But it doesn’t make sense for me since I’ll be leaving for Paris and there will be plenty of Christmas trees for me to see there.

I just love having a tree in the house at Christmas.

There is that warm feeling and I feel nostalgic and recall past Christmas times and there is always a sweet moment when it’s just me in the dark with the Christmas tree lit and all things seem possible and all things are.

Magic.

Christmas is a dark time.

But it is also a time for magic and when I let the dark and the cold get into me too much I have to shake it off.

This meant getting out of the house tonight and going for a bicycle ride over to St. Gabe’s to get right with God and see my people.

I had been too much stuck in my own head today.

A touch on the isolated side.

Despite meeting with a lady earlier and having a really sweet phone call with my mom.

I felt a bit isolated.

I miss my friend who I see all the time from the neighborhood who has been out of town visiting family in the Midwest.

And I miss my girlfriends from the city who don’t live in the city anymore.

This four day weekend was an epic fail at phone tag with the two of them.

But what is a lady going to do about that.

We are all busy.

A doctor.

A nurse.

A graduate student.

All of us doing the deal and working and family and relationships, and friendships are hard to sustain through the distance, but I still reach out and they reach out and even though contact was not made, in the effort I felt connection.

But I felt a little maudlin today too.

It could just be that it’s Sunday and I didn’t quite get done the work I wanted to get done this weekend.

And then there’s that.

The perfectionist me.

I don’t have to have it all done this weekend.

I just wanted to have as much done as I could.

I did a lot too.

I have to acknowledge that.

I wrote the two papers and I did a ridiculous amount of reading.

In fact.

I finished all the reading for the semester for my Psychodynamics class.

ALL OF IT.

This, despite being an accomplishment of patience and will and just sitting in the same spot for awhile–yesterday at the cafe in Noe Valley, today all day long at my trusty kitchen table/desk–and batting through it, did not feel like enough.

I wanted to write the paper too.

Finish it.

Get it out of the way.

But I realized, after looking over the notes I took from the last lecture, the notes are insufficient.  There is a lot more that needs to be covered and my professor just didn’t get to it last time.

I could possibly write the paper but I may not be doing it any justice if I don’t understand the material and I don’t know that I am going to get the gist of what the teacher wants without hearing her lecture more on the topic.

Technically the paper isn’t even due until December 22nd.

I have time.

I just don’t feel like I do.

Feelings, I remind myself, are not facts, and so, I am going to let myself off the hook on the paper and just attend class and after I hear the two final lectures from the professor I feel like I will be able to put together a coherent and well written paper.

I also did not get to do the work for the final project for my Human Development class.

But.

That I don’t feel as weird about.

And I also did a shit load of reading for that class as well, finishing up the last chapter in the text–which means I officially read every page of that ridiculous text book, 600 pages plus of good, good times.

I read a few articles out of the reader for the class too.

I should have the reading for the semester then complete by tomorrow before work or Tuesday at the latest.

Which means I will devote the time that I normally would be reading to doing work on the final project before I go to my job job.

Yeah.

That thing that pays the bills and stuff.

Which by the end of a weekend where I have put so much time and effort into my school work, actually feels like going on vacation.

All I have to do is fold laundry and make dinner?

(Aside from the plethora of other things)

I don’t have to understand Post-Freudian Kleinian theory on death drives?

SWEET.

There was a little lightness in my day.

I will acknowledge that too.

I did open a gift my mom sent me and was happily surprised by a sweet basket for the beach with a little pillow and folding mat for sitting in the sand dunes accompanied by a book of poems and a card with $50!

Not at all what I was expecting from my mom and I was grateful to open the gift, although my birthday is still a few weeks away.

My mom was so excited to send it to me that I opened it early for her.

Which led to one of my breaks today–a walk around the neighborhood while I chatted with my mom and got some sunshine on my face.

The next time I had thought to go for a walk it was already sunset and I had been reading for another couple of hours.

I made dinner instead, texted a dear friend in my cohort, and prepped my food for the week.

Opening the present had made me a little nostalgic for the holidays and so I opened up my box of Christmas ornaments and pulled out a few.

I may not have a Christmas trees this year, but I do have snowflake ornaments hanging from the antlers in the corner and a bowl that says “Noel” on it filled with glass bulbs and ornaments sequestered in a little corner.

Plus.

A wreath of jingle bells on my door.

That and a few Christmas cards and it will be just the right balance.

I also enjoyed my bicycle ride through the neighborhood and if I feel the need for a tree all I have to do is ride down the block and look in the windows of all the houses.

The holiday house at the corner of Kirkham and 46th has a magnificent one, as does a lovely little house on the corner of Noriega and 46th.

My upstairs housemate has been decorating her’s all day today with the help of her daughter and the drift of Christmas carols down the stairs into my studio is also a sweet, unexpected gift.

Christmas.

By the way.

Is everyday for me.

As I am constantly showered with gifts.

Friends.

Family.

School.

Work.

Recovery.

Community.

So much love.

All the love.

All the things.

Happy Holidays.

Let’s go through them joyfully together.