Surprisingly Together

And well grounded.

I don’t even feel all that tired.

Which is sort of shocking, considering that I just got back from doing an 11 hour school day.

I was prepared though and able to carry through with all the things that needed to be attended to and I did some good self-care, got up early, took a nice hot shower before breakfast, made a nice unsweetened vanilla coconut/almond milk latte, I rode the MUNI into class, rain, and connected with all my sweet friends.

I also feel that there was a distinct shift for me in being able to focus on the classes and material as I have all my practicum stuff nailed down, I don’t have any anxiety about trying to make it all happen.

It all happened.

I’m registered and all my paperwork is signed.

It’s like walking the plank with my eyes wide open.

I have started the journey and I have no clue exactly what I am about to leap into, but I am on the way to leaping.

I have a few weeks of “freedom” haahahaha, that’s funny, (final projects, papers, and one more weekend of class) before I have to start supervision, and about a month and a half before I start at my internship.

I will have Paris before that.

Although, it does now look like I won’t be in the Marais, my friend’s house had some unexpected water damage and there will be construction happening.

I will be staying with a friend of hers in the 10th.

This is going to be a new one, but not that new, I’ve done Air BnB before when traveling, I’ll be staying with someone new, but he’s in a great location and he’s a dear friend of my friend and frankly anyone who is her close friend is going to be a good friend of mine.

I have nothing to complain about, I get to stay somewhere free in Paris.

That is a huge gift.

She is a huge gift in my life.

I am so grateful for her and for my other friends that I reconnected with today.

There were lots and lots and lots of hugs.

Some tears too.

Life happens and it’s hard and we all showed up for each other in some pretty spectacular ways today, I felt honored and privileged to be a part of the cohort and happy to be seen by my friends.

I also got some extraordinary remarks, comments and feedback on a paper I wrote from my professor who I hold in most highest esteem, her opinion of me and my abilities means a lot to me.

I know I’ve got her up on a pedestal, but she really is an amazing teacher and I needed an amazing teacher to be able to do the work that is required for doing trauma work.

“I suppose you learn a lot about yourself,” my driver said to me tonight as we chit chatted about my program.

Folks often have this idea that I’m headed out to some party or some fun Friday night thing but no, I’m just going home after doing 11 hours of school, which leads to a conversation about what I am studying.

My driver asked me so many questions and it was really fun to share some of the things that I am learning and practicing and I could also tell he was trying to get, “Just asking for a friend,” information about whether I thought Couples Therapy had any efficacy.

I basically gave him a session on the ride home.

It was like Taxi Cab Confessionals except from the passengers purview.

It also let me realize, in the telling, that I know a lot more than I even realize and that I can disseminate the material well enough to a lay person to make concepts clear and ideas and it was sort of cool to just let myself talk and hear the theories fall out of my mouth.

I really had a moment of being, “who is this person talking?”

And it was me.

I am sure I will have my doubts and troubles, my anxieties and fears, but I feel that I have come a really big way and I feel like I can see myself being able to take on clients.

I can do this.

I really can.

And.

I am going to be good at it.

God damn it’s nice to find my niche, to know where I am most needed to fit myself to be of maximum service, to know I can be of help and do well by myself as well.

There is life long learning as well.

I appreciate that.

I will keep growing.

I will keep getting to find out and experience different things.

There will always be books to read, articles to write, experiences to be had, I have such a full rich life, this work only adds a deeper complexion and color to a glass that is full to overflowing with love and experience.

Grateful.

That is where I stand.

In a place of deep gratitude.

And I always could see more softening in me, more resilience, and more acceptance of myself, where I am in the program and where I can ease up a little, in the classroom and in my interactions with other students in the cohort.

We are a pretty incredible bunch and I’m super lucky to get to learn from them as well as my teachers.

All the learning.

It’s amazing.

I am so grateful that I am allowing it to keep happening, to keep engaging, to keep growing, to keep pushing at the edges of boundaries and seeing what else and where else I can grow.

Yes.

Growth is painful.

But as they say, “pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth.”

I have had some growth spurts this year, and it’s only April.

Leaning into.

Learning to love myself more.

Doing the deal.

And showing up.

That’s pretty much it for today’s check-in.

Off to get some more sleep than I did last night.

So.

I can get up.

And.

Do it all over again.

Look At You

Beautiful!

“I miss you and your flowers,” she finished and gave me a big hug, “make sure and spread your love around we need it.”

That was a very nice way to end the first day of my three-day weekend of classes.

A big love hug from one of my favorite professors.

It was really good to see her and also to just take a moment to reflect on how far I have come.

It was about two years ago this month that I found out I had been accepted into the Masters program where I am at.

So much has changed for me from making that decision and following it up with some actions.

Actions that often felt tiny, small, inconsequential but ended up leading me here, now, in my second semester of my second year of a three-year Masters of Psychology program.

Not too bad.

Not too bad at all.

And so much of the work has been showing up with faith in the process.

I’m still not 100% sure what I am going to do, but I have so much more clarity and I have direction and I have, now,  a couple of years of doing the work under my belt and I know that I can do the work, which is huge.

It’s also exhausting.

I am tired.

I mean.

Tired.

Sometimes the transition is a challenge, the one where I am getting up an hour and a half earlier than I do on the weekdays, the one in which I skip having a weekend off, the one in which I have to show up, suit up, and participate, instead of sleeping in.

I got an adorable text from a friend in regards to it being the weekend and Friday and I laughed.

Which is better than bursting into tears, my Friday is more like a hard-core 11 hour Monday after working a full week of work.

Followed by another eleven hour day and then a seven hour day and then it’s Monday again and I get to go back to work.

Fuck.

I’m tired thinking about it.

I always make it through.

Some of that time I am more caffeinated, but I had to cut it out after a certain point today otherwise my brain would be up half the night attempting to process all the stuff that I went through during the day in class.

And I went through a lot of stuff.

I’m actually doing work now.

Sigh.

Ugh.

Turns out I missed a podcast that I needed to listen to for my Trauma class.

So.

Yeah.

Homework on the weekend I thought I had it all done.

Oh well.

So it goes.

It’s an interesting podcast, there is that.

I just want to finish my tea and watch an episode of America’s Next Top Model.

Shh.

Don’t tell.

I mean I would like to wind down, but I also know that I am trying to balance it all out and be present and have done the work and yada, yada, yada.

I am glad though, to be in class, to see my cohort, see my friend, have an impromptu lunch at a sushi spot with a friend in the program.

Good to connect and reconnect.

I got to see people I care about and love.

To know that I have another community of people to connect with is a great deal to me that I was never expecting to get out of the program.

An extra unexpected gift.

The friendships, the hugs, the conversations, the people who have expressed their affection for me and for my journey.

It is a blessing.

I’m excited for all of us, for the path being travelled that we are on, oh, I know, our paths will fork and people will change and go on their different ways, but we have this time together, these three years and it is an incredible experience.

Nope.

I don’t always want to be vulnerable, I don’t want to process, but I do, I grow, I change, and as I turned down a few invitations to do things this evening, I know that I was doing the thing that was going to best take care of me in my person and show up for class as rested and as ready to participate and share my experiences.

The relevant ones.

Sometimes I don’t share, sometimes the gory details are shined up a bit, but really I am pretty clear about who I am and where I have been and, now, where I hope to move towards.

It’s been an opening of a new part of me.

I am appreciative and honored and sometimes.

Well.

Yes.

Tired.

But.

Here’s to working a little extra, doing a tiny bit more, taking one more little step towards that goal.

I don’t need to know where the end goal is.

Oh.

And look at that.

Podcast done.

Blog almost done.

Ready for a spot of tea and then.

Yes.

Some rest.

So I can get up and do it all over again tomorrow.

See you on the flip.

Where.

I will be.

Ready to teeter totter a few more baby, albeit tired, steps down the road.

 

Unexpected Free Time

Not a lot.

But.

Oh my God.

More than enough.

I got a text this morning from the mom saying, hey you worked such a long day yesterday, come in an hour late and we’ll probably let you go an hour early.

Grandma visit.

At first I was annoyed.

I had plans!

Then I was flustered.

Shit.

I could have made plans.

I could have snuck in a yoga class this morning.

Then.

I got over myself.

Get grateful you boob!

You just got two hours knocked off your work day, be happy.

I did some extra writing.

I made a cafe au lait and read another two articles in my Couples Therapy reader–in fact, I’m only two articles away from being completely done with all my reading for the next weekend of classes.

I am super psyched for that.

I took it leisurely getting ready for work and I had a nice shower and really, my hair was on point today, I had a hella good hair day.

And when I got into work I found out that since the grandma was going to be leaving on Monday she wanted to spend extra time with the kiddos and take them on a special trip to the toy store.

Grandma, toy store, extra time with the kiddos=getting off not one hour early, but two!

“Happy Friday,” the mom said, “if you can just fold up the rest of the laundry and take these things up to the dry cleaners, you can go early, I don’t think we’ll be back from the toy store before you would be leaving anyhow, you don’t need to futz around here and twiddle your thumbs.”

“Really?” I asked.

I mean.

Yes, please and thank you, but also really, I haven’t had this much leeway in my job in some time and I realize that although I loved the family I was working for a lot, those boys, oh those sweet boys, I was under a great deal more stress to constantly be doing something.

I had to put up a lot of boundaries around taking breaks and having down time, or time to eat my food.

Not so at this job.

They are just the bees knees.

And the mom and I had a very sweet talk today about the whole process and how happy they are to have me.

I mean.

Really happy.

And I am really happy to have them.

It feels like such a good fit.

Granted I know the honey moon period will pass, issues arise, conflicts happen, but over all, wow, wow, wow, just such a great job for me.

The gaggle of baby, mama, brother, sister, and grandma headed off to pillage the toy store and I happily futzed about the house making sure everything was in order and tidy and putting away the laundry.  I did a double, triple check on things, then headed out to Noe Valley to drop off some dry cleaning for them, and killing two birds with one stone, I also dropped off some mending I needed done on my two favorite cardigans.

Then I asked for direction.

Where to next?

I had a thought about running downtown to go shop at Gap, but realized that wasn’t necessary, I didn’t have to put myself through going downtown to use the coupon that I had.

In fact, right before starting to write this blog, I just went online and applied it at the online store, basically saving $70 on my order.

I got the same dress I am currently wearing, one of the causal interview dressed I bought, in a different color (mom made a really outstanding point to me today as the baby had a huge whoopsie down the back of her shirt, pants, and yes, all over the floor, that I should have a back up set of clothes for having at the house in case such a thing happens, hence another dress like the one I’ve got on) and a racer back maxi that I was thinking, oh, yes, Paris in Spring, with a pair of sandals.

So.

Instead of going downtown into the madness, I just took the roads up and over Twin Peaks and headed to the Inner Sunset.

A quick run to the bank.

Then.

A manicure.

It was really nice to do that.

Just sit back, read a trashy magazine and get my nails done.

Such a little pleasure.

Then I took myself out for some carnitas, because, carnitas, hello.

Afterward a nice cafe au lait, decaf thank you, and I made sure it was decaf, and some fellowship with a friend from the neighborhood before doing the deal.

It was good to catch up and it’s nice to know people in my neighborhood.

I am officially a Sunset person I think, it’s been three and a half years of living out here now, I think I can call myself a part of the Sunset for sure.

After getting right with God I hopped on the scooter and made the executive decision to do my grocery shopping for the weekend.

It may rain tomorrow, already put the cover on my scooter, and I just figured, get it out-of-the-way.

And like that.

I did.

I also paid rent today for March and signed up for two yoga classes this weekend.

Fuck.

It feels good to be on top of things.

Plus.

I touched base with my supervisor at my internship and we set up a time for me to come in and fill out all the paperwork and talk about next steps.

I’ll be doing that in March, after my next weekend of classes.

So, although, yes, I do have a full weekend, it’s not so full since I got some errands done unexpectedly and let myself skip out on needlessly going downtown to make myself crazy in the shopping district.

No thanks.

I’ll take a nice mellow night in and yoga in the morning instead.

I’ve got a meet up with a lady to do some reading and then my dentist appointment at 4p.m.

Fingers crossed.

It’s been awhile, but happy to be addressing it.

Then a small dinner party in Noe Valley with some ladies in my cohort and a T.A. from the summer session of classes at the beginning of the school year.

Feels like a nice way to start the weekend.

I’m ready.

Happy Friday!

And I Made It

Through the first weekend of the second semester.

Whew.

I was tired.

I am tired now.

Of course, I also have some adrenalin, which naturally seems to arrive at the times when I might wish to be winding down.

As opposed to the middle of my Trauma Class or towards then end of my Couples Therapy class when I was so sleepy I didn’t know if I was going to make it awake the rest of the day.

I was at that point when caffeine stops working and the tiredness was kicking in and it was touch and go and sort of woozy and sleepy and dreamy.

And then class ended and I got zipped up and a bit more energy as I got outside and out of the school and into the air.

I met with a few friends from my cohort at Reveille Coffee in the Castro, then on up to Firewood Cafe for dinner and fellowship and then doing the deal in a church basement up the road.

It was good.

It was really good.

I saw lots of folks that I don’t get to see often enough.

I got lots of hugs and asks for dinner and coffee.

I found out one friend and his mom are going to be in Paris at the same time that I am and we made plans to chat about that, I can be the tour guide he never got.

His first visit was supposed to be when I was living in Paris and we just missed each other.

I love touring people around Paris, makes me happy, especially those friends that don’t speak French, I love being of service, makes me feel useful.

So that was lovely.

And just the feeling.

To be seen, to be witnessed to take a moment and acknowledge love, struggle, surrender, doing the deal, showing up.

All of it.

And to get to be showing up for the rest of my life as well.

Like my new job tomorrow, I got a sweet text from the new mom asking after my weekend and also that I make a slight change to my schedule, which I am happy to accommodate, so that the oldest boy and I have a solitary date to go to the Academy of Science.

Super excited.

I’m a dork like that.

I love field trips.

And that I get to have the oldest on a solitary field trip means we get to do a little bonding.

I think that will be quite fun.

Plus it’ll be nice to ease back into the week and the new family and the new schedule.

Tomorrow is a holiday, not for me, but for the school, and so it’s nice to have something already planned and something to do outside of the home will be fun.

I’m happy I’ll also get another hour of sleep tomorrow.

I am ready for it.

I am grateful for the time in school this weekend, albeit feeling some stress about getting my practicum stuff together, I know it’s all falling into place.

I do need to make some proactive steps around it this up coming week and weekend and I’ll start in on my reading for the next semester here pretty quick.

Probably not tomorrow, but soon.

There’s a lot to cover in between the weekends of class.

I do like to give myself a little down time after a weekend of classes, but I also like having the reading on tap and completed for the next weekend and there’s so much that a little bit really has to be done on a pretty regular basis.

Plus.

One of my classes, Community Mental Health, I have to go out in the field and interview a clinician and gather data and do a lot of extra work, which, when the fuck am I going to do that as I’m working business hours and most community mental health programs are not open nights and weekends, but I get to work on that and ferret out some place I can go and talk to a clinician in a diverse community setting.

This is the semester of getting really prepared in the next steps for interning, getting into the community, starting to practice the craft that I have been learning, not just in school, but in my life.

I am absurdly grateful for this and I am astounded when I think about how it all came to be and where it is all going.

Well, I don’t know exactly where it is going, but it is exciting.

And it’s exciting to think that maybe, just maybe, my nanny days are coming to an end.

Oh.

I don’t think it will be for a few more years yet, but there is something really exciting about being with this new family and getting to have a job that could spell out longevity to match the end of my program and the work that I will have to do when I am interning and collecting my hours towards MFT licensure.

3,000.

Just a few.

I’m not there yet.

I am, however, happy to report that another few small steps have been successfully taken down that path.

I know that those little steps, one day at a time, add up so much faster than I could ever realize.

“Didn’t you just start this program?” She asked me with a hug, “and look at you now, already into your second year!”

It feels interminable at times, slow, and sticky and the long classes and the huge reading lists.

And then it seems like, wow, she was right, two years ago this time I had just sent off my application for the school.

Two years later I’m half way through the program and looking down the line.

A possible PhD in Psychology.

A career as a therapist.

A teacher in the community.

A helper.

A giver.

A worker amongst workers.

A friend.

All the things.

So grateful for it all.

So, very, very grateful.

Seriously.

Working Too Hard

To work too hard.

I realized this today.

Especially when I had a brief moment of actually contemplating, yes, yes I did, that I could just not sleep, then I’d be able to do the practicum hours at the site I was thinking about applying to.

Are you bonkers was the next thought.

Thank God that came faster than it typically does.

I mean what kind of fucking therapist would I be if I was advocating for someone to work without sleep?

Yeah.

Not so much.

I remind myself to treat myself like I would a client and do some real looking at my own outlandish expectations and what I can actually accomplish.

And.

That I don’t have to accomplish it all over night.

I mean.

I just don’t.

I’m doing pretty fucking good anyway.

What I am alluding to is that I am not going to apply to the UCSF Infant/Parent program.

They just want too many hours for me to be able to do it.

I like sleeping.

I mean, not like I’m checking out, but you know, 7-8 hours a night seems like a reasonable ask.

Heh.

I met with the professor that I was asking to write me a letter or recommendation for the practicum site and I told her that I had re-evaluated my thinking in regards to the problem and that when I was honest with myself there really was no way I could commit to 25 hours week at the site.

And she agreed.

She also expressed to me that it might be a super challenging site to leap into and that it would require me to make home visits and maybe that was something I might not want to do as I am currently working out of someone’s home as a nanny.

She also said that in a realistic world she believed that nannies should get credit for the hours that they spend working, that a nanny can actively be doing family therapy and she wished there was an acknowledgement of that as she had known a few other nannies come through the program and she really felt that we should get some credit.

If only.

My God would that be nice.

I discussed the fact that it’s just me and my own self, no family, no spouse, no other outside sources for income, not to paint a pity picture, but to be up front, rigorously honest and accepting of where I am.

Because I’m ok with that and I understand that it may necessitate some different actions than the ones I had originally formulated.

I wasn’t super set on the program anyway, I mean I love babies and kids and working with children, don’t get me wrong, but maybe, just maybe I could use a break from it and explore working with adults.

Just a thought.

We talked about the other programs and we had a really honest engagement and I also found out the sites affiliated with the school didn’t need me to provide a letter of recommendation.

Which was some big relief, as to the other program I was thinking about applying to.

If I could navigate around that and not have to worry about those things, well, less work would suit me just fine.

I mean.

I do a lot already.

I don’t need to add more in.

Besides I’ll be adding in plenty just with practicum no matter where I go, I’ll be working at least 10-15 hours more a week, possibly 20-25.

If I go somewhere that I can do nights and weekends.

So I took a little pressure off myself, I forget how easy it is to put myself through the additional wringer of must get it right.

All I have to do is keep showing up and I’m doing ok.

I really am.

Hell.

I’m doing better than ok.

I am a little tired.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night, still a tiny bit on the sick side, but it does feel like the cold has predominately lifted.

I am just tired at this point.

Really.

That’s to be expected.

These are big, full, emotional days.

Long days.

Lots of reading and sitting and listening and attending.

Lots of fucking processing.

Jesus fuck.

I mean.

You want to hear process, just sit in on a psychotherapy class and watch them deal with conflict.

It is amazing and exhausting all at the same time.

I am learning a lot though.

And I realized that I can hold a lot more than I have been able to in previous semesters, my own container has grown bigger.

My heart has gotten stronger.

I can read my feelings a lot better and my capacity to express them has also grown.

I can also sit through other people having their process without freaking out or rolling my eyes.

Once today I caught myself having an expectation about how something was supposed to go and I realized that the learning was happening and I just reached inside and said, buckle up kiddo, learn, watch and learn.

When I wasn’t struggling with how I thought the class should go I was actually able to learn.

I don’t have to make shit so hard.

I don’t have to over complicate.

I don’t have to manipulate.

I also trust my teachers much more this semester than I did last semester and I’m enjoying the showing up and being a part of.

I feel more a part of, more integrated, more appreciated.

I am sure I have always been appreciated I wasn’t always able to acknowledge that, and I did today, I accepted some compliments and I had some nice heart to hearts.

Not just with my professor but also with various members of my cohort.

A growing edge.

The constant letting down of my guard, the graceful surrender, the bent swan neck not acquiescing to the emotional demands of another, but gently bowing to hold the space being made, a flexing of feathers and a slow bending collapse into surrender.

I learn more there every day.

It is said that surrender means going over to the winning side.

I did that today.

I did.

It was glorious.

I teared up.

I let people in.

I reached out.

I listened.

I held my own council.

I learned.

Man.

Did I learn.

And that’s what it’s about, isn’t it?

Learning.

I’m in grad school for fucks sake.

That’s what I supposed to be doing.

I don’t have all the answers.

If I did.

Well.

That would be a different blog now, wouldn’t it.

Grateful for the flexibility and generosity of spirit from my class and cohort.

You, my classmates and cohort,  are an amazing and wonderful teacher.

I tip my hat.

And.

I hope I do your lessons justice.

I really.

Really.

Do.

 

It’s Late

And tomorrow is Monday.

An early start.

A long day.

But.

I can’t not write.

I feel a little too jazzed up anyway, I need to unwind, to settle back down in my bones, to come back to earth, to be in my space, light some candles, make some tea and have a nice moment in my studio to relax, reflect, rejoice.

I made it through the three-day school weekend!

Hooray.

So nice.

I have one more weekend of school before the semester ends.

I have plenty, and I do mean, plenty to do in the mean time between then and now.

I will have two papers to write and loads to read.

One Child Therapy presentation.

And then.

Christmas, or as they call it now, winter break.

I will be taking some time off this week to go to my friend’s in Nevada and I may just let myself not take any homework with me.

May.

I haven’t decided yet.

I don’t have to.

I do need to make it through the next few days of work though.

Tomorrow will be a 9.5 hour day.

And as I mentioned, an early start.

I go in at 8 a.m. on Mondays.

Which means I’ll be up by 6 a.m.

Sigh.

Oh well.

There are worse things.

Although I am a little concerned that it might be a stay home day for both the boys.

My Monday could be three kids instead of the one baby I typically have all day on Mondays.

It could very well be full tilt boogie.

I don’t have to figure it out now, it’s been a full day.

A full weekend.

And I am so very grateful I got through the day and the classes and had some really lovely interactions with my cohort, I am so glad for them, so many wonderful friends I never would have made without having done this program.

Amazing, unsuspected resources of friendship.

Such gifts.

And getting to see my fellows tonight and share my experience, strength, and hope, and be in a beautiful venue.

It was out at the Palace of Fine Arts.

It was gorgeous.

I took a walk around the lake and looked at the stars.

I went under the dome.

I walked around the columns and I was just happy, calm, excited to be in the place I am and oh, so very grateful.

Then.

I realized.

Hmmm.

I’m walking around outside by myself.

Maybe go get in there, go talk to people, go connect.

Go let myself be seen.

And I did.

It felt good and I felt connected and that was just what I needed.

I could have hung out longer, but I really knew I had to come back, write my little blog and get myself to bed.

It’s not good when I am up too, to late on the night before my longest work shift of the week.

But that’s what coffee’s for right?

I just noticed a notification from my Psychopathology professor for my last paper, its due Monday, December 19th.

Ugh.

The day after my birthday.

I will not be writing my final paper for this class on my birthday.

I will not.

No thank you.

And the weekend prior is our last weekend of classes, so I won’t be writing it then.

God damn it.

I may be writing a paper much sooner than I thought.

I am not thinking about it tonight.

I am not thinking about it tonight.

I am not thinking about it tonight.

I am thinking that I wore a skirt tonight.

I am thinking that I was pretty tonight.

I was thinking I was going to wear something else, something all dressed to impress, but realized I’d rather be pretty, approachable and sweet.

I dare say my aesthetic is changing a bit.

Which is not a bad thing, just something I have noticed.

The dress I was going to wear, though, is spectacular and I think I will wear it to the wedding I was invited to on Saturday December 10th.

Which happens to be smack dab in the middle of my last weekend of classes, but I will only have to miss 1.5 classes and I talked with both my teachers and cleared it.

I was hoping.

I was.

I will admit it.

That I would have a date for this wedding.

I have been to plenty of weddings solo, there was just something about this one that has made me feel a little bit on the outs as far as relationships go, but I’ll be ok and the dress.

Oh.

It is pretty.

And I have only worn it one other time, so I should absolutely for this wedding.

It’s an A-line skirt which flares out, and has a fitted bodice.

It’s white.

Which, yes, one does not wear to a wedding, I don’t want to ever compete with the bride.

But it has a very bright cobalt blue large flower pattern on it and I’ll be paring with some pretty Mary Jane heels and a cardigan sweater, it will be sweet and pretty.

I have been making an effort, as I have alluded to before, to show up a little less defended, a little softer, a little prettier.

I want to be approached and connected with and I’m not on any online dating sites and I’m not on any phone apps either.

I want real connection.

And I have to do the changes to get there.

Softer and accessible.

Out in the world and of it.

Relating to and connecting to my fellows.

And I don’t have to have a boyfriend, although one sure would be nice, to be completed or to enjoy my life, not at all.

But.

I suspect.

That I will enjoy my life more regardless of outcomes if I continue to connect and let myself be seen.

“You, you are on the scene,” my French friend said, “you have something, it turns on, I have seen it, you have something.”

I have.

I have people who see me and love me.

And for that.

Eternally.

Yes.

Eternally.

Grateful.

I fell so loved when I am seen by you.

Seriously.

The Journey Of A Thousand Miles

Begins with a single step.

Foiled again.

I just put down Lao Tzu’s Tao Te Ching–The Tao of Leadership.

I had never known who to attribute this quote to, although it resonated with me so much so when I first heard it, I was 17 or 18, that I used it for my senior year quotation.

It was either that or I was going to use the Fear Prayer from Dune.

I will leave to your imagination the challenges of my growing up.

I have written of them often and I don’t see them as good or bad, wrong or right, I certainly don’t apply these terminally ugly words either–would, should, or could, to my experiences.

They are just experiences.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed with them and I have to get out all my feeling words and vocabulary and try to parse something from the experience, rather than just be in it.

I was trying to do something akin to that on my ride home from school today.

My ride home from my campus, my ride home from my graduate school program, my first day of school, my first day, truly, as a graduate school student.

It was a full ass day.

It started at 9 a.m. and it ended at 8p.m.

Tomorrow will be much the same, the day will begin at 9 a.m. and end at 8p.m.

I will have diversity training from 9 a.m. until 2p.m.

Then Group Dynamics from 2p.m. until 4p.m.

After that an hour break and then convening from 5p.m. until 8p.m. for Psychodynamics.

Class will be the same for Sunday, 9 a.m. until 8p.m.

Fuck.

Work is going to feel like a picnic, like a break, like a rest.

And work is not necessarily restful for me.

I digress.

I get ahead of myself.

I leave the moment, where there is nothing wrong, where I am doing the best I god damn can, and I am writing, even though I could be reading more, my brain will only hold so much and if I don’t lay some of it down, like a good yeoman dropping the plow to rest, I won’t have the space in my brain to take in more information.

There will be more information.

There will be more learning.

There will be more not understanding what is happening and just letting it happen.

There will also be the happy coincidence of having actually taken a good photograph for a student id!

I was shocked.

I figured there would be thirteen chins and my nostrils would be flared and I don’t know, all my photos for ids are wonky, but it actually turned out and there it is.

I have a student Id.

Where are my discounts bitches?

I jest.

Really the only thing I want with my student id is to be able to access the gated and locked space where I can park my bicycle, a space that is outdoors, but also covered.

Hallelujah.

It’s such a nice thing.

Just not having to worry about my whip.

I was grateful.

I was also grateful to get on my bicycle at the end of the day.

To ride away from campus and head home.

Despite the wind kicking up and the night being a little blustery, it felt good to be in my body, when I could get my mind off my classes and actually be present for the bicycle ride.

There was the same old song and dance in my head about how I work so hard and I am doing all the things and how come I am working so hard again, and that phrase popped into my head, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step,” except that I transmuted it to my bicycle pedal.

One pedal at a time.

One stroke at a time.

Push down.

Pull up.

I wanted to be stuck in my head.

I wanted to feel isolated.

I wanted to cry out.

Just because you read my blog does not mean you know what I am feeling!

I am lonely.

But not alone.

I know that.

And the lonely will pass.

I am busy and I have made this choice to go to graduate school, to take on the awesome and amazing adventure of becoming more me and more of service and more available.

My needs are met.

Despite my pay check being $0.00 today–really why even send me a pay stub?

I had forgotten that.

No pay for me while I was at Burning Man.

Sigh.

But I am ok.

I have what I need.

I paid my phone bill today.

I have a beautiful body that I get to walk around in, bicycle in, sleep in.

I have food.

Although I am going to have to manage eating better, I can’t afford to eat out twice in one day three times a weekend, that’s just too much.

I will be bringing food with, I just have to find time to go grocery shopping.

Probably Sunday night after my last class ends.

I don’t think I’ll be doing my normal cooking for the week like I usually do, but I don’t think anything about my schedule is going to be “usual” any more.

This is ok.

I am learning.

I am growing.

I will continue to do so.

And.

I am loving more.

I did find that I wanted to wall up a little my first day of class, that there was a struggle, internal, to be open, to be present, to be with my cohort and to let them see me.

Despite my “newly” pink hair (new to folks in my class, not that I have dyed it again) and safety orange pants.

I was grateful to reconnect with friends and classmates and to have met a new professor who is eccentric and smart and called me right the fuck out in class when we did our introductions, “oh, yes, you ARE smarter than me, I can tell.”

I did not mean to put on my smarty pants, but I felt inadequate.

I am just a nanny after all.

Not a clinician or lawyer or social worker.

I haven’t studied Gestalt for the last two years.

Hell, I don’t even know what Gestalt is or Freud for that matter.

But.

My professor picked up on both my insecurity be hearing the language I used and gently and succinctly put me in my place.

I am not smarter than she.

But I am smart.

And just because no one validated me the way I needed to be validated growing up doesn’t mean that I can’t give it to myself, that I can’t move forward, that it is all hard work with no validation and approval.

I approve myself.

I have worked so fucking hard to get here.

And the journey is beautiful.

And one step at a time.

And once in a while.

I will stop in that step, look around, and be so grateful that my journey has brought me here, to this place of privilege.

“How do you do it?” He asked me in the hall way between classes.

“How do you manage to live in San Francisco and go to school?”

I don’t know and if I speculate too hard on it I will freak out.

I just get to do it.

I get to.

Being the operative language.

I am a lucky motherfucker.

I am.

And.

The journey?

Why.

It is glorious.