Posts Tagged ‘compulsive eating’

Financial Independence

July 5, 2013

Was the theme for today.

I worked three jobs.

Yes, that’s right, on our nation’s biggest holiday (to drunk drive, over use drugs, intoxicate oneself with bbq sauce, and get sunburned, oh and lest I forget, blow shit up) I chose to work.

I could have had today off, but I was available to nanny and as my employer is Canadian and also chose to work, I said I would.

I was not remiss to miss the holiday laze about.

In fact, I was quite content to work.

I felt more myself then I have since, well, since for a long time.

I did not feel like over eating, I did not feel like sugar, I was solid in my body and grateful for it, I also went and covered a commitment tonight to that effect and felt really grounded to be once again in a fellowship of like-minded folks.

I got to be of service to the family, I had sweet just me and M. time at the park, not once, but twice today.  And I was asked to pick up another shift for the mom tomorrow.

Thereby eradicating the shifts that I lost due to weird BART transportation issues.

I probably feel more at ease as well as I am no longer at the nanny gig, but at another house sitting gig.

Which makes number four since I have gotten back.

I got the sweetest text from the people I am helping out, the microwave popcorn has been thrown away, please help yourself to delicious farmer’s market veggies we got!

Yay for friends.

Not that it would have kept me from sacking and pillaging if that was where I was at, or going out and purchasing a checking out session.

But I didn’t need to, I don’t feel compelled to, and finally, despite not really being at home, I feel at home.

This time last year I was working in the bike shop, on my own, and I was contemplating the days and weeks and months leading up to my departure to Paris.

And that happened.

And now I am back.

And it’s been two months since my return.

I went away to find that I most like it here of all the places in the world.

I love San Francisco.

It’s home.

I may live other places, but I think this is it, I think I am here for a while.

I won’t say I am never ever leaving, because I know better than that, I will say however, that I am stopping from running away from the place that most feels like home to me.

The place I feel safest, most loved, most wanted.

I am grateful I got to go and I will go and visit Paris again, that is just an absolute.

But I am here to stay.

As the dusk falls and the fireworks are ramping up I am happy to be inside up in the Castro Hills, at my second job of the day, typing away and sipping ginger tea.

The cats are fed, the fish are fed, the girl is fed, my heart feels full, and I feel safe.

I also feel a great deal of acceptance, for myself, my experiences, and my process.

And I hesitate to say it, but I finally feel just fine with me exactly the way that I am.

I don’t need to lose more weight, if I do, cool, if I don’t whatever, I just don’t want to be compulsive with it again, that was scary and untenable and rough going.

I like my hair (yes, I am still debating glitter extensions, but I am not going to color it or cut it short again, I really am digging it long).

I like my sense of style, which San Francisco may be the only place on Earth where I don’t feel that I stick out (ok, maybe Burning Man, but that did start in San Francisco), there is always someone rocking an odder outfit that I.

I feel at ease with my sexuality and I know what I want.

I could use a man to share that with, but you know, that will come, well, when it’s supposed to, for whatever reason, a lot of which I don’t always write about here, something has recently shifted and I do feel ready to really, actually, well, you know, date.

Heaven’s to Betsy!

I don’t feel like I need to improve anything or change anything.

I like my jobs, I love my charges, I like doing the work for the design firm.

I love being able to hang out again with my friends, my God, I missed them much more than I realized.

I freaking love having access to good coffee again and I like that I am allowing myself to buy it.  Stumptown is expensive, so is Four Barrel and Ritual and SightGlass, but I deserve good coffee and I shall have it.

Speaking of deserve, now that I am not bloated and gassy, yeah, I know probably too much information there, but hey when you’re lactose intolerant and then decide to indulge in the ice cream that’s what happens, I am getting a few new clothes this weekend.

It is time to do the jean shopping.

I am not going to hold off waiting to lose weight.

Fact is, I sort of surrendered to the idea that I am the perfect size already.

The perfect weight already, just for today.

Because I will never go buy myself a nice pair of jeans or a pretty dress if I am always waiting to lose another five pounds and frankly I can get obsessed about a number on a scale.

I am not my jeans size, I am not the number on the scale.

I am me, my actions, my dreams, and the way I go after them.

That is my independence today.

Free to be me.

There ain’t nobody else out there quite like me, so why not embrace it?


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