Posts Tagged ‘controlled drinking’

Brisk And Bright

January 2, 2016

It was chilly, cold, brisk, snappy, windy.

But sunny.

And my outlook the same.

Even after receiving some sad and unexpected news.

Which changed the tenor of my day and made me absolute in my resolution to go see my people and be in the middle of the boat.

I had only one thing planned today.

Meet a lady, do the deal, read the stuff, share the experience, strength, hope, and then go hang out with the fellowship.


When I called to confirm, I got the voice mail.

I left a message, just checking in, you’ve not called me all week, let me know if we’re meeting, miss you, love you, talk soon.


We did.

Shortly thereafter while I was in the middle of doing my writing this morning, working on the third page, noodling along with some ideas about what I was going to do today with my time off and navigating some thoughts as to whether I should run errands or do some cooking, drinking my second cup of coffee, happy the sun was out.


The call.

The “I decided to try some controlled drinking.”


It made me so sad.


That’s not quite true, no one has that kind of power, no one “makes” me have feelings, that’s giving away all my power and all the personal responsibility I have to myself to be honest.

Just like nobody forced me to drink or use, or circumstances, no amount of “my child hood was horrible” was the reason I picked up.


I had feelings when I heard her share what had happened and why she was different and I listened quietly and responded empathetically and said call whenever you need to about anything and I love you no matter what.

We were not meeting today.

And then my day changed.

I had the entire day free and I realized that I wanted to play things a little closer to home and also make sure that I got out.

I can isolate sometimes here in my cozy little hobbit hole.

I wanted to make sure I wasn’t doing that.

I made a bunch of phone calls and got some good messages.

“That’s what we do,” she told me on my voice mail, “but it doesn’t have to be what you do.”


No, it does not.

And to that end I continued to reach out until I was able to check in with one of my people as well as a close friend.

After that I got out of the house, hopped on the scooter, went grocery shopping and was hella grateful that I wasn’t the disheveled sparkle pony in last night makeup at 1 p.m. buying a six pack of hard lemonade and tottering on beat up platforms next to the guy in line paying for the hooch with cards that kept getting turned down.

I stood quiet with my apples and unsweetened vanilla almond milk and box of tea and thanked my stars that I was in a different place and my New Year woke with a bright smile at the blue skies and snuggled into a deep nest of warm blankets.

I came home and cooked up a big lunch, freezing a bunch for a school weekend not too distant.

Then I thought about what I wanted to do.

I knew I was going to go meet up with some like minded folks around 6:30pm in the Inner Sunset, but until then I had some free time.

I got outside and went for a long walk on the beach.

It was glorious.

The waves were crumbling and it was windy, not many surfers, but I saw a few and watched with mighty awe and regard.

I walked the sand and turned my face to the sun and let the hush and rush of the water carry away the sounds in my head and got clean all the way down to the bottom of my heart and thanked God for the day, the moment, the ocean, the sun, the walking, where I am and what I stand for, my purpose, my point, and how much more love I am going to bring to the table.

I believe love is a limitless resource that I can only experience if I keep giving it away.

I turned and unexpectedly bumped into a friend.

She too, walking the beach at sunset.

We caught up and hugged and took photos of the glorious sea and sun and sand.



How lucky am I to live next to such great beauty?


I parted with my friend, she walking toward Noriega and I back towards Judah and the end of the day, though tinged with a kind of melancholia, was not sad.

I often times find myself walking down by the sea when I am sad.

But this was not the case today.

I walked the beach to feel more alive, to be seen, to love, to let myself hear the roaring ocean, to feel the wind on my face, to be a small light lit by that grand light in sky, a small reflection of starlight, calling one to another.

I felt assuaged, I felt calm.

I felt as though there was a balm on my soul.

Perhaps not a strawberry lip balm.

But a gentle, sweet pressing of knowledge that my life is what it is for the work that I do and that I am lucky to get to do the work.

And convinced.

I don’t have any reservations.

I know what I am.

I can struggle against it, or I can accept, and allow those that walk a head of me continue to lead the way so that I in turn, may turn, and extend the hand of help that was so graciously and kindly leant to me.

Sometimes trudging the road to happy destiny feels like falling into one pothole from another.

But when I turn and face the horizon and see that beautiful melding of light in the sky, I know that it is all for the good, the better, the best.


The only thing I must do and be perfectly.


To be.


Today I am that.


Then some.




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