Posts Tagged ‘defenses’

Let Go

December 14, 2016

Move the fuck on.

“Block his number,” my person said succinctly and to the point.

HOLY FUCK.

I had not thought of that.

Then I thought.

Shit.

That’s the right thing to do.

I just unfriended as well off social media and each small step was a little moving in the right direction.

There’s nothing wrong with the guy, fyi, in case you’re wondering.

What’s wrong or perhaps not quite right, or perhaps better yet, what wasn’t working for me, is that I was falling into the same stupid trap again.

Better to let go the person and move the fuck on.

I don’t do myself or anyone else a service when I’m up in fantasy land.

And it wasn’t that good, I remind myself.

No.

It wasn’t bad either, it just didn’t serve, it wasn’t good for me, it didn’t fulfill my heart, I was left wanting a lot more and wanting more from a person who is not capable of offering more is something that I do and I have often crumpled in the face of change, when oh, that rut is so comfy and I know it so well.

And.

Didn’t you see?

I just redecorated and got a new couch for the space.

Fuck me.

I expressed to my person today that I was actually relieved that the guy I was supposed to spend time with last night cancelled.

But in a twist I wasn’t expecting my person added, you deserve to be respected, block his number.

What?

You mean I deserve the time of day, the respect of my schedule, that my needs are important.

Stop the fucking presses.

Yes.

Of course.

And if I don’t step up to that it’s my own damn fault.

So rather than fall down that hole again, Alice decided to take the elevator up to the top of the hill and look around.

See what she can see.

I see yoga in my future.

Signed up for a class tomorrow.

Went today.

Hella stiff and sore and snaggle toothed and old, man I just felt stupid and old.

Then, as I relaxed a little, I did think to myself, lady pants you sat in a desk chair at school for 29 hours, of course your body is out of whack, and you didn’t get more than five or six, max, and I do mean max, hours of sleep for the last four nights.

Give yourself a break and be happy you showed up to the mat.

Expectations always do take me down.

They just lead to resentment.

And a life lived on resentment is not one I wish to have.

Nope.

This lady is all about happy and fun.

Let me repeat that.

Happy.

And.

Fun.

Fun does not need to be roller coasters.

Fun can be writing Christmas cards or sending packages in the mail.

I got my oldest niece her gift today, I saw it last week at Rainbow and was quite taken with it, granted it was more expensive than I had planned on spending, art supplies, but, fuck, I just knew it when I saw it, had her name written all over it.

So.

I got it.

And then I mailed her card and my mom’s Christmas package and my sister’s too, which included a few things for my youngest niece.

It really felt so sweet and good to put their packages in the mail.

I feel blessed that I can send them gifts.

It wasn’t always that way and there were years and lapses in time that I didn’t send my family gifts.

It feels right to make up for that now and to continue fostering connections.

Even if it’s just a card in the mail.

It means I love you.

I do you know.

So much.

Breaks my heart.

I’m ok with that, heart break, I’ve had my share, I’ll probably have more before my days here on this plane are done.

And that’s ok too.

It means I’m alive.

What a fucking gift, this, to be alive, to be in this skin.

It’s not perfect, but it’s mine and I’m ever so grateful for it.

Yup.

A beautiful gift that I get to treat well and respect and care for and love.

I’m getting better at that all the time.

And I do deserve respect.

It felt good to remind myself of that this afternoon.

I had made the phone call check in to my person this afternoon while I was at the beginning of my work shift, although certainly not the beginning of my day–that had started hours and hours before I even got to work.

But I did not block the phone number until late in the afternoon.

When.

Ha.

I was wondering vaguely in the back of my head if he was going to text me today and what would I say and.

What the fuck, Martines?!

Ugh.

Block the number now.

It’s like a dangerous default, I don’t even know my brain is going there.

This is why I work with people, this is why I make myself accountable to others, their perspectives are so fucking important.

I walk around with god damn blinders on.

“He’s totally interested in you,” my girlfriend said to me years and years ago.

“No he’s not, he’s gay,” I told my friend.

“Gay?  Are you out of your mind, he’s literally beating your face with his penis, Carmen, he’s so not gay,” my friend said with incredulity, then dipped her french fry into the pool of ranch dressing on her plate.  “Seriously, he has a great big boner for you and it’s a not a gay boner.”

Turns out.

He wasn’t gay.

Once in a while.

I think.

Oh, look, a new perspective, I’ve taken off  the blinders.

But.

You know.

I’m always in my way.

I’m the one thing in my way.

So, pray to God, I’m serious, get the fuck out of your own way.

Go have fun.

Go play pinball.

Go to yoga.

Let go.

Move on.

And don’t worry.

You’re on a collision course with what is supposed to happen.

You just can’t see around the corner.

You’re not blind.

But you’re not a mind reader either.

Just saying.

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Well, You’re A Little

October 16, 2016

Standoffish.

My friend told me tonight.

Fuck me.

I am trying.

I am.

I am.

Of course, this all transpires as my Lyft line car is pulling up.

“We’ll talk more about it later,” he concludes.

Yeah.

I hear you.

And it’s true.

I am standoffish and defended and defensive and if you had the child hood I had you’d be on the defensive too.

But um.

Like that is such bullshit at this point.

I’m 43.

Time to grow up.

I’ll be 44 this year, real soon, like in a couple of months.

I get to learn new ways of being in the world and I also need to get my mind off myself.

I did a fair decent amount of that today.

I also slowed down a little.

I took cars.

I took trains.

I did not take my scooter out this morning when I thought it might rain and it did.

I got a manicure and a pedicure and had my eyebrows waxed because I like to be a girly girl once in a while.

I was also directed to buy myself something nice, I forgot about that.

I don’t suppose she meant the carnitas plate a La Fonda Mexican Taqueria either.

Heh.

I will buy myself a little something nice though in the next day or two.

I had a big full overwhelming jam-packed week and it took it right down to the nub emotionally and yeah.

I had my feels.

And they are going with the fog into the night.

They don’t always lift right away, neither does the fog, mind you, but there has been relief.

There is also the relief of having gotten a paper done today that was, er, well, haha, due today.

I procrastinated a bit, I did, I did.

Procrastination, or efficiency?

Hmm.

I joked that procrastination was sexy and a response I got back was that grad school was sexy.

Fuck yeah.

I like that kind of response.

And as for the standoffish comment, that response is welcome to.

I am learning that old ways of responding to the world I live in do not work so well for me.

I am trying on new things, I’m not always so good at being a newcomer at things.

I want to have it all figured out and wrapped up in a nice tidy bow.

But there is no figuring it out.

There is plenty of get right with God and plenty of prayer and plenty of writing and plenty of what I did today, which was sit.

Sit on the train.

Sit in the salon.

Sit at a table at Tart to Tart and share what has been going on.

“Have you been doing yoga?” She asked me out of the blue.

Aw lady, damn it!

“No,” I said, “I haven’t, it’s been a bout a month, the wonky dating the school stuff, the job interview, Healthy San Francisco, new job hours, I am all over the map and one week I just needed to sleep and didn’t go in and the next was, well, fuck, now I’m just telling a story.”

“Go, I can tell, you are too anxious, you need to get the anxiety out of your body,” she added astutely.

I don’t have the time!

But.

I feel like I’m going to have to make the time and just do it anyway.

I haven’t had the outlet of exercise and though I have been keeping busy, I’ve not been getting the same amount of exercise.

Yesterday I walked for an hour, a half hour before work and a half hour after, and that was good but yes, she’s right.

And if it’s not yoga, I have to do something.

Yoga is just convenient since there’s a studio on my block.

I just have to get into my gear again and go.

Maybe tomorrow.

I won’t make the early morning class, I had dinner with a friend tonight after doing the deal and though it’s technically not that late, it is late enough and I am meeting with ladies tomorrow morning, that I won’t be up super early to hit yoga.

But.

There is an afternoon class.

So.

Maybe then.

Maybe skip the morning make up routine and just do the writing and reading I do in the mornings and then the ladies, knock out a paper, and do some reading, cook a little food, and go to yoga after lunch.

I’ll think about it.

I still have so much homework to do, a paper to write for my Child Therapy class, a paper to write for my Family Therapy Class, a fuck ton of reading.

How much is a fuck ton?

A lot.

I will just leave it at that.

I also haven’t bought my ticket back to Wisconsin yet and I need to do that.

I really do.

The prices jumped up a bit over the last day and I am remiss that I didn’t buy it last night.

I was trying to figure out the best time at the best price and got lost in a tunnel of cheap ticket airline meanders that lead me down a rabbit hole of idiocy and no ticket.

Just bite the bullet, suck it up, and drop the extra cash and go.

It’s like I’m afraid to commit and that’s just silly.

Or is it?

Ah, a little, I suppose, it’s been awhile since I saw my friend and her family and the old I’m not enough tape might be playing in my ear.

Hush old song, I am enough, and it’s fine, and there’s enough money, so go buy the ticket.

Fuck.

I just fell in that hole again.

I decided I’d book and as I bought the ticket the price jumped and then jumped again and I lost the deal and now it’s $150 more than it was yesterday.

Fuck.

I can’t do this right now.

I’m too tired.

It’s late.

I will look tomorrow.

When the prices have probably gone up again.

I don’t need to figure it out right now.

Sigh.

Going to bed now.

Well.

Soon.

Soon as I can.

Nighty night y’all.


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