I did not forget my swimsuit today.
Nope.
I had that puppy packed in my purse.
I go just about nowhere without my purse.
I pulled it out as soon as I walked in the door at work, “look what I didn’t forget,” I said triumphantly to my charge who was very excited to see it but still asked why I hadn’t remembered it yesterday.
I ruffled his hair, said I was sorry again for forgetting and promised I would do a lot of swimming with him to make up for it.
And I did.
I also went down the water slide to appease him.
I was not really interested, it’s meant more for kids and it was sort of awkward to climb, but he really wanted me to and I wanted to humor him and we were just having the best day, so yeah, I clambered up and went down and it was cute.
He was so happy today.
And so was I.
Although I had my moments of sadness.
Happiness too.
Swimming is happiness for me.
There is nothing quite like it.
I feel so in my body and alive and it’s just exhilarating.
The mom actually told me to take some time to myself today and I got to put in 500 yards.
That’s not much, but it felt great and I was happy to have some time to swim.
I have also set my alarm for tomorrow morning.
I will be getting up and going to Sava Pool to swim.
My swim bag is packed and I’m air drying my suit in a place that I won’t forget it.
It was also really such lovely weather, sunny, bright, not too hot, but hot enough.
And it made me think of you, bunny.
I realized that it wasn’t just the Marin hills that made me think of you, it was swimming as well.
I had the same feeling in my body, in my heart, when I went swimming in the Mediterranean when my best girl friend and I went hiking into the Calanque de Sormiou outside of Marseille.
It was the sun, it was the salt water, it was the dry hills and the green trees, very reminiscent of Marin, but also it was the feeling.
It was the feeling of being so in my body and I kept feeling that you should be there with me, that we are meant to be somewhere sunny with you sunbathing, as I know you like, tan and golden and glowing like some leonine thing in the light, and me swimming and emerging from the pool or sea to sit next to you and bask in the sunshine.
Then I realized it at a deeper level.
Swimming reminds me of you because of how at ease in my body I am in the water.
I found that same ease with you.
I have never felt so at home in my body than when I was with you, making love, or laying together, spent afterward, completely glowing and happy and alive, so alive.
I teared up at the pool when I made the connection and realized that was one more thing that was so good about being with you.
I was myself.
In the pool, in the water, I am myself.
When I was with you I was myself.
Unapologetically me.
I wanted you there by my side because I was myself and free and happy and I associate those feelings with you.
And I can’t share any of this with you.
And we never went swimming together.
Although we did bask in some sunshine.
It wasn’t enough.
I am such a good addict, just give me some more please, more of you and more of you and more of you until I am satiated.
Which I never am for very long.
Sigh.
I miss you my love.
And I am grateful to have made the connection today with what it feels like to be in the water, to be in my body and how it reminds me of you.
It will incentivize me to swim.
And one day.
I can dream.
I can.
I do hope.
I really do.
That I will get to go swimming.
I will get to share this feeling.
I will get to go.
And.
Be.
Once again.
With.
You.
Auntiebubba 