Jazzed

Until I look at my financial aid account, motherfucker I have sent you my Master’s Promissory Note three times, why the fuck is it not updated, where is my award?

Jesus school get on the fucking ball.

Ok.

Rant done.

I am in a good place, actually, and I should have known better than to look at my financial aid account.

I noticed yesterday that the school was still waiting on my promissory note, so I forwarded them the confirmation e-mail from the FAFSA people, you know, those good folks in government, ahem, and still, today, this morning, and again tonight, the school is “saying” they have not received it.

Sigh.

At least I am not getting too distracted by the bullshit to not focus on the stuff that really needs to be done, like my papers.

Here it is.

The weekend.

And here it is.

The last big fucking push.

I have to write two papers in the next two days.

I spent my down time, my break time at work, listening to the interview I did for my Community Mental Health class and jotting down notes and flipping through a book and post-it noting things that I am going to write about.

Basically the same process as I took for my Trauma class, but with a little less work, as there was less material to go over.

Still work.

And.

I got it done.

I have a good idea about what I will write for the paper, lots of notes, lots notations, quotes from the interview, and a good idea of what it’s going to take to do the writing.

I am not looking forward to either paper, but I shall do both of them.

I also made sure and did a grocery run today in between work and doing the deal and I have no errands that need to be run or things that need to be bought.

I am all set for the weekend.

Tomorrow I’ll go to yoga in the morning, meet my person at Tart to Tart, meet another lady thereafter, do some reading, get right with God, inventory some shit, make the head stop running for a few minutes, than jam back out here and have a late lunch and launch into my Trauma paper.

I should be able to finish it before I head out to do that thing I do in church basements, then maybe, I’ll do a little fellowship, just so I don’t feel like I’m losing my mind from the school stuff.

Then Sunday will be a somewhat similar gig, yoga in the morning, then back here, breakfast, shower, do my own morning writing and then hit the Community Mental Health paper and crank it out.

I’ll roast a chicken, because Sunday roast chicken dinner is about the way to roll and I hope that I will be done by 5p.m.

5:30 p.m. at the latest.

I have a speaking thing at 6p.m. and I really would like to be done with the papers by the point that I get on my scooter to go to the Inner Sunset.

I’m not sure how it will all work, but it will and I will get the work done.

It’s all there in my head, it’s all there in the notes, in my books, I have it all there, I just have to compile it, write it, pull the pieces together and make it look sexy.

I can’t believe I am so close to the end of my second year.

One more weekend of classes.

I’ll be turning in all projects, I won’t have any papers or things due after the last weekend of classes, which is a first and I’m super grateful for that.

And two weeks from today.

Well, ah, yes, you know, I’ll be in Paris.

Two weeks.

I’m so close.

It feels further away than that and not really real at this point my brain is super focused on the work that is in front of me and all the words that have to march across the page and get my point across.

I am also, although I gripe about what’s the point of showing up for the last couple of my classes when all the assigned work has been turned in, looking forward to a chill weekend with my cohort, it should be pretty stress free for me, I’ll have all my papers done by Sunday and I can just show up for class and be chill.

I am going to hang out with my friends, go to lunches and dinners, I have one friend who is actually going to spend the night with me next Thursday.

Little slumber party.

We’ve done it one other time and its super fun to have a school friend to hang out with.

She’ll get into town late afternoon on Thursday and we’ll meet for dinner and then pop out here to my place, it will be good to have company and bitch about school.

Although, I do want to express my gratitude for doing what I am doing and that the school is doing the best it can too, sometimes it feels like I should be getting more support, or better this, that, or the other, but ultimately, I am getting a lot of what I need and I am excited to be this far into the program and to have met and gotten to know the quality and caliber of my cohort.

They are some damn good people.

I don’t think we’re going to save the world, but I do think we are going to make it a whole lot happier, sweeter, healthier, kinder place to reside.

I’m definitely a better person for the experience of going to this school and for learning what I have learned, I have learned so much, it boggles the mind.

That I have so much more yet to learn and experience is a constant leveling of my pride, a constant learning of humility and a constant surrender.

I hope I have soften some.

That I have let you in a little more, let down the walls a little, or at least directed you to the gate and showed you that though it may be latched, it’s not locked, and I’d like to, no, I’d love to, invite you.

Come in.

Sit down.

Relax.

Get cozy.

Let’s get to each other.

I bet we have a lot to talk about.

So much.

I can’t wait.

Just let me get through this weekend and I’ll be so down to have a cuppa with you.

I can’t think of anything I want more.

Night y’all.

I have to get some rest.

I have miles and miles to go.

I can almost see the light.

Almost.

There.

 

It’s Late

And tomorrow is Monday.

An early start.

A long day.

But.

I can’t not write.

I feel a little too jazzed up anyway, I need to unwind, to settle back down in my bones, to come back to earth, to be in my space, light some candles, make some tea and have a nice moment in my studio to relax, reflect, rejoice.

I made it through the three-day school weekend!

Hooray.

So nice.

I have one more weekend of school before the semester ends.

I have plenty, and I do mean, plenty to do in the mean time between then and now.

I will have two papers to write and loads to read.

One Child Therapy presentation.

And then.

Christmas, or as they call it now, winter break.

I will be taking some time off this week to go to my friend’s in Nevada and I may just let myself not take any homework with me.

May.

I haven’t decided yet.

I don’t have to.

I do need to make it through the next few days of work though.

Tomorrow will be a 9.5 hour day.

And as I mentioned, an early start.

I go in at 8 a.m. on Mondays.

Which means I’ll be up by 6 a.m.

Sigh.

Oh well.

There are worse things.

Although I am a little concerned that it might be a stay home day for both the boys.

My Monday could be three kids instead of the one baby I typically have all day on Mondays.

It could very well be full tilt boogie.

I don’t have to figure it out now, it’s been a full day.

A full weekend.

And I am so very grateful I got through the day and the classes and had some really lovely interactions with my cohort, I am so glad for them, so many wonderful friends I never would have made without having done this program.

Amazing, unsuspected resources of friendship.

Such gifts.

And getting to see my fellows tonight and share my experience, strength, and hope, and be in a beautiful venue.

It was out at the Palace of Fine Arts.

It was gorgeous.

I took a walk around the lake and looked at the stars.

I went under the dome.

I walked around the columns and I was just happy, calm, excited to be in the place I am and oh, so very grateful.

Then.

I realized.

Hmmm.

I’m walking around outside by myself.

Maybe go get in there, go talk to people, go connect.

Go let myself be seen.

And I did.

It felt good and I felt connected and that was just what I needed.

I could have hung out longer, but I really knew I had to come back, write my little blog and get myself to bed.

It’s not good when I am up too, to late on the night before my longest work shift of the week.

But that’s what coffee’s for right?

I just noticed a notification from my Psychopathology professor for my last paper, its due Monday, December 19th.

Ugh.

The day after my birthday.

I will not be writing my final paper for this class on my birthday.

I will not.

No thank you.

And the weekend prior is our last weekend of classes, so I won’t be writing it then.

God damn it.

I may be writing a paper much sooner than I thought.

I am not thinking about it tonight.

I am not thinking about it tonight.

I am not thinking about it tonight.

I am thinking that I wore a skirt tonight.

I am thinking that I was pretty tonight.

I was thinking I was going to wear something else, something all dressed to impress, but realized I’d rather be pretty, approachable and sweet.

I dare say my aesthetic is changing a bit.

Which is not a bad thing, just something I have noticed.

The dress I was going to wear, though, is spectacular and I think I will wear it to the wedding I was invited to on Saturday December 10th.

Which happens to be smack dab in the middle of my last weekend of classes, but I will only have to miss 1.5 classes and I talked with both my teachers and cleared it.

I was hoping.

I was.

I will admit it.

That I would have a date for this wedding.

I have been to plenty of weddings solo, there was just something about this one that has made me feel a little bit on the outs as far as relationships go, but I’ll be ok and the dress.

Oh.

It is pretty.

And I have only worn it one other time, so I should absolutely for this wedding.

It’s an A-line skirt which flares out, and has a fitted bodice.

It’s white.

Which, yes, one does not wear to a wedding, I don’t want to ever compete with the bride.

But it has a very bright cobalt blue large flower pattern on it and I’ll be paring with some pretty Mary Jane heels and a cardigan sweater, it will be sweet and pretty.

I have been making an effort, as I have alluded to before, to show up a little less defended, a little softer, a little prettier.

I want to be approached and connected with and I’m not on any online dating sites and I’m not on any phone apps either.

I want real connection.

And I have to do the changes to get there.

Softer and accessible.

Out in the world and of it.

Relating to and connecting to my fellows.

And I don’t have to have a boyfriend, although one sure would be nice, to be completed or to enjoy my life, not at all.

But.

I suspect.

That I will enjoy my life more regardless of outcomes if I continue to connect and let myself be seen.

“You, you are on the scene,” my French friend said, “you have something, it turns on, I have seen it, you have something.”

I have.

I have people who see me and love me.

And for that.

Eternally.

Yes.

Eternally.

Grateful.

I fell so loved when I am seen by you.

Seriously.

It’s Beginning

To look a lot like Christmas.

Except.

Well.

No tree this year.

No tree for me.

Although I did, temporarily consider it.

But it doesn’t make sense for me since I’ll be leaving for Paris and there will be plenty of Christmas trees for me to see there.

I just love having a tree in the house at Christmas.

There is that warm feeling and I feel nostalgic and recall past Christmas times and there is always a sweet moment when it’s just me in the dark with the Christmas tree lit and all things seem possible and all things are.

Magic.

Christmas is a dark time.

But it is also a time for magic and when I let the dark and the cold get into me too much I have to shake it off.

This meant getting out of the house tonight and going for a bicycle ride over to St. Gabe’s to get right with God and see my people.

I had been too much stuck in my own head today.

A touch on the isolated side.

Despite meeting with a lady earlier and having a really sweet phone call with my mom.

I felt a bit isolated.

I miss my friend who I see all the time from the neighborhood who has been out of town visiting family in the Midwest.

And I miss my girlfriends from the city who don’t live in the city anymore.

This four day weekend was an epic fail at phone tag with the two of them.

But what is a lady going to do about that.

We are all busy.

A doctor.

A nurse.

A graduate student.

All of us doing the deal and working and family and relationships, and friendships are hard to sustain through the distance, but I still reach out and they reach out and even though contact was not made, in the effort I felt connection.

But I felt a little maudlin today too.

It could just be that it’s Sunday and I didn’t quite get done the work I wanted to get done this weekend.

And then there’s that.

The perfectionist me.

I don’t have to have it all done this weekend.

I just wanted to have as much done as I could.

I did a lot too.

I have to acknowledge that.

I wrote the two papers and I did a ridiculous amount of reading.

In fact.

I finished all the reading for the semester for my Psychodynamics class.

ALL OF IT.

This, despite being an accomplishment of patience and will and just sitting in the same spot for awhile–yesterday at the cafe in Noe Valley, today all day long at my trusty kitchen table/desk–and batting through it, did not feel like enough.

I wanted to write the paper too.

Finish it.

Get it out of the way.

But I realized, after looking over the notes I took from the last lecture, the notes are insufficient.  There is a lot more that needs to be covered and my professor just didn’t get to it last time.

I could possibly write the paper but I may not be doing it any justice if I don’t understand the material and I don’t know that I am going to get the gist of what the teacher wants without hearing her lecture more on the topic.

Technically the paper isn’t even due until December 22nd.

I have time.

I just don’t feel like I do.

Feelings, I remind myself, are not facts, and so, I am going to let myself off the hook on the paper and just attend class and after I hear the two final lectures from the professor I feel like I will be able to put together a coherent and well written paper.

I also did not get to do the work for the final project for my Human Development class.

But.

That I don’t feel as weird about.

And I also did a shit load of reading for that class as well, finishing up the last chapter in the text–which means I officially read every page of that ridiculous text book, 600 pages plus of good, good times.

I read a few articles out of the reader for the class too.

I should have the reading for the semester then complete by tomorrow before work or Tuesday at the latest.

Which means I will devote the time that I normally would be reading to doing work on the final project before I go to my job job.

Yeah.

That thing that pays the bills and stuff.

Which by the end of a weekend where I have put so much time and effort into my school work, actually feels like going on vacation.

All I have to do is fold laundry and make dinner?

(Aside from the plethora of other things)

I don’t have to understand Post-Freudian Kleinian theory on death drives?

SWEET.

There was a little lightness in my day.

I will acknowledge that too.

I did open a gift my mom sent me and was happily surprised by a sweet basket for the beach with a little pillow and folding mat for sitting in the sand dunes accompanied by a book of poems and a card with $50!

Not at all what I was expecting from my mom and I was grateful to open the gift, although my birthday is still a few weeks away.

My mom was so excited to send it to me that I opened it early for her.

Which led to one of my breaks today–a walk around the neighborhood while I chatted with my mom and got some sunshine on my face.

The next time I had thought to go for a walk it was already sunset and I had been reading for another couple of hours.

I made dinner instead, texted a dear friend in my cohort, and prepped my food for the week.

Opening the present had made me a little nostalgic for the holidays and so I opened up my box of Christmas ornaments and pulled out a few.

I may not have a Christmas trees this year, but I do have snowflake ornaments hanging from the antlers in the corner and a bowl that says “Noel” on it filled with glass bulbs and ornaments sequestered in a little corner.

Plus.

A wreath of jingle bells on my door.

That and a few Christmas cards and it will be just the right balance.

I also enjoyed my bicycle ride through the neighborhood and if I feel the need for a tree all I have to do is ride down the block and look in the windows of all the houses.

The holiday house at the corner of Kirkham and 46th has a magnificent one, as does a lovely little house on the corner of Noriega and 46th.

My upstairs housemate has been decorating her’s all day today with the help of her daughter and the drift of Christmas carols down the stairs into my studio is also a sweet, unexpected gift.

Christmas.

By the way.

Is everyday for me.

As I am constantly showered with gifts.

Friends.

Family.

School.

Work.

Recovery.

Community.

So much love.

All the love.

All the things.

Happy Holidays.

Let’s go through them joyfully together.