Posts Tagged ‘first year’

Feeling A Little Bit

May 8, 2016

Screwed.

Fuck.

I am wide awake.

My last class of the day was really energizing and fun and my professor was on fire and the lecture was great and my brain was firing on all pistons.

And.

Then.

We had a dance party.

I was only going to stay twenty minutes, half hour tops.

Ugh.

I stayed until the security guard was kicking us out of the building.

Sigh.

I have to do my final presentation on my last paper for Multi-Cultural class tomorrow.

And.

I am the first one up.

I had thought I was going to go today, be the last person to speak and get it out of the way.

Nope.

Le sigh.

Oh well.

It did give me some space though to explore a few ideas and I really like what I found in that exploration as well as somethings to talk about in my last therapy dyad of the year.

Of the year.

It’s almost done.

Not really.

But.

Classes are almost complete.

I have two more classes tomorrow and I’ll be done by 4p.m.

One of my girlfriends and I are going to hang out, grab some sushi, do some doing the deal and have a sleep over.

It’s a slumber party!

She skipped the dance party and I think she will be much more well rested than I.

That being said, I am super glad that I went and got some of the energy out of my system, some of the anxiety of being in school and just a little body release.

My back is still a little tender from yoga and I was bunched up in desk/chair all day long.

Grateful to get in my body, get into the music and play with my fellows and cohort for a little bit.

I’m sure I will rue the decision tomorrow as I get up to my 6:30 a.m. alarm.

Oh well.

I am glad I went to the party, I was glad to show up, I was glad to dance, I was glad to free myself, for a moment in time, from the constraints of note taking, processing, reading, writing, interacting, engaging, showing up for, and the whole she-bang.

So even though I am wound up and energized I’m ok with it.

I’m sure I’ll crash at some point tomorrow, I’ll fade, I’ll need a coffee injection or five, but I will be ok.

I’m a little concerned about the next week and getting all the things together that need to come together–10-12 page paper on the concepts of transference and counter transference, a take home exam, a paper on The Trauma of Language and Lancanian theory, a posting to Applied Spirituality and a final small paper for that class as well 2-4 pages.

I’ll get it all done.

I know I will.

My friend from cohort and I who had made plans to go to the Steampunk Masquerade Ball at NIMBY consorted and decided we both had too much work due by next weekend to feel comfortable going out to the event.

I will be getting the things done that I need to do so that I can fly out the next weekend to the Big Apple.

New York.

I’m coming for you.

Which reminds me I need to get a hold of my friend in Brooklyn and ask about his place and how I get in and all that since he’s out of the country when I’m there.

I still can’t quite believe that I have a place to stay in Brooklyn.

I should see if my friend wants anything from San Francisco.

I want to bring a guest gift.

Seems appropriate when he could have Air BnB’d his place and made bank while he was on his trip and he’s not charging me to stay there.

I love my friends.

I am such a lucky girl.

I couldn’t have gotten through the grad school program without some of the women that I met in the cohort.

Extremely grateful.

Extremely privileged to get to know these woman.

And men.

There’s been a great TA who I have really connected with and he’s been such a source of support and connection, as well as one of the guys in my cohort who I actually interviewed with, way, way, way back last year in March.

Hard to believe that I have come so far.

Seems like just yesterday that I was filling out the application and sending in my letters of recommendation and getting my transcripts.

So much has happened.

So much still has to happen.

But I can see that this chapter is coming to a close and I am grateful to share that experience of saying good bye to the cohort, the school, the year that I have been a first year grad student.

“Oh, it’s official,” he said to me as we were chatting.

He being a second year student in the program.

“You’re second year now,” he added definitively.

Well.

Almost.

I have to get through tomorrow and knock out those papers, but yes, I am almost a second year graduate school student.

It feels pretty good.

It feels a little surreal.

But over all I am super proud of all the work I have done and shown up for.

I read all the things, I have turned in all the papers on time, so far, shown up for every class, every lecture, every dyad.

Yup.

I did not miss a single day of school.

That is in itself a mighty thing.

And I remind myself of that again and again.

Just show up.

And right now.

I just need to show up for bed.

I have to wind this down.

I need a few hours of sleep to finish out the weekend.

So close I can taste it.

So.

So.

So close.

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

 

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Is It Bed Time Yet?

May 2, 2016

Good grief.

I am tuckered out.

But in a really good way.

I have officially finished all the reading I have to do for my second semester, first year, of graduate school.

Whoopee!

Now.

Can I please take a nap?

Oh my God.

My brain feels like it might be leaking out of my ears.

I was also going to write my paper for my Multi-Cultural Counseling and the Family, but nope, I ain’t got it in me.

In fact.

I knew I did not have it in me to do anything but read today.

I was um.

Up late.

Heh.

Yeah, the date, well it went smashingly.

I really don’t want to dish here, this is not the place for it, you a girlfriend, you got my digits?

Girl.

I will give you the details.

In not too delicate a manner.

Delicious.

It was a pretty fucking awesome date and I’ll just leave it at that.

And.

Yeah.

I am tired, I didn’t get much sleep, but that silly grin I have had on my face periodically throughout the day has been quite the help.

The sunshine didn’t hurt either.

I got a lot of other things done too.

Since next weekend is my last weekend of classes–it does not mean school’s out for summer, I will still have a couple of papers to write–I wanted to make sure that my ducks were in a row and my space clean and tidy.

I did lots of laundry, went grocery shopping, made food for the week and for the weekend of classes, put fresh sheets on the bed, ahem, and as I said, the aforementioned hours and hours of reading.

I thought briefly about going to yoga, but honestly, I was too beat and I had a plenty of physical exertion yesterday anyway.

Ahem.

I did yoga, people, hello.

And other things.

Giggle.

So instead of getting up to go to yoga I got up and did the deal and met with a ladybug and then all the other things that I needed to do so that I will be able to smoothly transition through the week of work into the weekend of school work.

I also did my background check for school, made a doctors appointment for the week after classes lets out, and called my mom.

Hey.

I try.

I may be tired.

I may not have written the paper I had planned on writing today, but at least I wrote my morning pages.

Wouldn’t you just like to read that?

That’s where all the juicy stuff is.

Heh.

I am so tempted to write about it, but despite my nudge, nudge, wink, wink, intimations of events, I sort of want to keep this one private, to myself, enjoy it all for me.

That thought, that one thought that pops up and traipses through while I am working on something or doing a chore or I don’t know, brushing my teeth and I get a little giggly and silly, that, that’s all mine.

I am only sharing that with a select few.

Suffice to say.

I am a wee bit smitten.

Tinder.

Who the fuck knew?

Anywho.

Yeah.

Tired.

A little discombobulated with the day, the sunshine, the left over effects of the date, the amount of reading I did for school, and the thoughts for the paper I have to write and present for class this upcoming weekend.

I’m pretty ok with the presentation part.

I’m good at public speaking.

I certainly have done it enough.

Although I do find school speaking a touch different than my experiences with speaking in front of other groups over the last eleven years, and let me also not forget or downplay all the debate, forensics, and academic work I did in middle school, high school, and undergrad.

I could get up in front of my class right now and present my paper.

Even though I haven’t written it.

I do have all the readings and relevant research done.

I know what I am going to write on.

I just don’t have enough cohesion in my brain pan to give it the proper due it’s, well, due.

I did contemplate writing it when I finished with the reading and had a bite of dinner.

I could get it done, still write my blog, and…

Really?

Why?

Why push myself that hard?

If my date yesterday showed me anything, it was how important it was to stay in the moment, to be present, it was one of those days that went by with such ease and effortlessness, it felt like it was sort of in a time space continuum, the time got melty and malleable and so much happened it seemed to encompass more time than it actually did.

Though.

Let me be honest.

It was a long date.

One that I gave myself complete and total permission to enjoy.

It was enjoyed.

Let me assure you.

And when I did have thoughts try to sneak in, “hey, remember, you have that paper to write and all that reading to do?”

I turned down the volume and brought my attention to what was right in front of me.

Being in the present is such a gift.

Duh.

That’s why it’s called the “present.”

Heh.

Seriously though.

I feel like I have accorded myself with much aplomb and though I did not get to all the work, I got to so much of it that I feel completely fine saying I can take off the rest of the night.

Drink some tea.

Get my Game of Thrones on.

Sleep.

I’ll be yoga’ing it up in the morning, already signed up for the 10 a.m. class and working at 1p.m. to 8p.m. then covering a commitment at 8:30 p.m.

I’ll write the paper Tuesday before work.

Get up early, rehash the readings I did, and write it out.

I’m quick with the keyboard and I know what I have to say about the topic, it’s just a matter of letting it out of my head.

As for now.

The gift is being present to go to bed early tonight.

I have some beauty rest to catch up on.

Wink.

Luckiest girl in the world.

Just saying.

 

 


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