Posts Tagged ‘forebearance’

The Lady Be Tired

June 12, 2014

I mean, all tuckered the fuck out.

Dude.

It was just a shower.

But as a friend retorted when I tried, I tried to turn down the offer of a shower chair, because yo, I ain’t 64, I don’t need no shower chair, I was able to do it, take the shower that is, “ Oh, right! A shower balancing on one foot every seven days seems reasonable”.

It seemed reasonable until she put it that way.

Damn Gina.

I was joking that I needed a nap after the gymnastics.

Gymnastics that did not include shaving my legs.

I mean it was a challenge getting in and out, I cannot imagine how I was going to shave those bad girls.  Not that I didn’t want to, oh, I want to, so much so, but I got soapy and washed my hair and shaved my armpits, and that felt.

OH GOD.

That felt good.

Ah.

I sat on the sink to dry my hair.

Fortunately it’s a shelf unit, not a pedestal sink, and I am tall, I didn’t have to hop up on it, just sort of settle one hip into it and swing the broke back, not really broken, ankle over the edge.

It looks super gross.

I took a closer look at it since crying like a broken doll in the doctor’s office.

“Shh, shh, it’s going to be ok,” the nurse patted my knee, “let’s get you an apple juice, that always makes my patients feel better.”

What am I five?

But the nurse was right, the juice did make me feel better.

I was wishing for another box of juice when I took further inspection of the ankle this morning.

My goodness.

The nurse said, the bruising is yellow and green, that’s good, last stages of the bruise.

Yeah, on that part of the foot she was indicating to, the top part of my foot, it’s not even my ankle and it’s bruised up, yellowish-green, the ankle itself, though, is black and darkly purple, swollen not just on the part that sustained the worst part of the sprain, but also on the other side, it is gross, I am not posting photos anywhere.  I just can’t bring myself to do it.

I mean I document a lot of my life on this blog, but I am loath to go there.

REALLY.

I guess I am a little queasy about it.

I was happy though to get in the shower and glad I had gotten up an hour before the alarm was going off, I had set it early in anticipation of taking the shower.

I was to be whisked away from the homestead for a matinée this afternoon.

When was the last time I went to a matinée?

I was dating J.B. and it was oh gosh, seven years ago?

I don’t recall why I wasn’t working that day, it was a week day too, but I was not, and we went and watched the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe at the AMC Van Ness theater.

Wow.

I had forgotten about that.

I was trying to think in the theater when the last time I had been to the movies was, it’s been awhile just for that and I am still drawing a blank, but I must have gone to one sometime in this past year.

Anyway.

I gave myself extra time and I used it all up.

Just doing the basic stuff is not so basic.

It takes five, six times longer, I get so tired so fast.

I have to sit down and once I am down I want to stay down.

But I got out and my friend was so lovely and sweet, she got me to the bank to deposit a work check from my one day a week gig on Thursdays that, since the accident happened on last Thursday, I had not had the opportunity to cash.

She got me groceries and toiletries and took me to the movies.

I cried in front of her twice and three times when she was in the stores and went to get us coffees.

It is so hard to accept gifts, help, humility, to not be fully self-sufficient, is such a challenge.

But I surrendered.

Frankly, I was just too tired not to.

“I will play this forward, I will,” I said out loud in the car, shifting my booted foot to offset the pressure and the pain of the ankle.

And I will.

And I just have to continue surrendering.

To the financial insecurity.

To the fear.

To the solutions that people put in front of me.

I took a few small actions toward that end today.

I contacted my student loan service and asked for a few months of forbearance on my loan until I am back on my feet.

I checked out the San Francisco Disability web site, but to be honest, I got overwhelmed and shut it down.

Then I said yes to a job, a tiny, teeny, ain’t gonna be much, $10/hr, oh sweet Jesus, yes, let me have seconds on the humility, pass the peas too (the frozen ones draped over my ankle will do just fine) to do some data entry.

But hey, it’s something and I am helping the person out and I know it and it’s what the place can pay me.

I wasn’t looking for the work, but when I was asked, it was mostly because they need a service person and well, he could see I am going to be laid up for a bit, I can do the service.

It’s a pittance and that’s ok.

The service is crucial to the place that is asking and I am willing to help out while I am on the down and out and I am sure there are more lessons to be learned from all of this.

I am being taken care of.

And tomorrow, who knows, maybe I’ll even get a shower chair.

I am no longer above accepting the help.

I would be an idiot not to.

I am many things, but I am not an idiot.

Tired.

Frustrated.

Scared.

But not an idiot.

And underneath all of it, really, I do have faith.

There is a reason for this and there are great gifts to be had, if I will allow myself to accept them, that is.

I accept, gratefully.

I do.

Thank you, everyone, for helping me.

I couldn’t do it without out you.

Believe me, I have tried.

But there’s only so long I can balance on one foot.

 

Where Did All the Money Go?

August 13, 2013

That was my first thought today when I looked at m checkbook.

What the hell?

That is not correct.

Then I remembered.

Oh yeah, I got myself an in-law in the Sunset, I’m moving on up.

Although I think the Jefferson’s were moving up to a high-rise and my little space is a studio on the first floor of the house.

Then, after calming down a little, sort of, about the money, I thought, oh, shoot, I need to pay off the student loan payment too before I leave for that big party in the desert–ACS sweetly reminded me the end of my forebearance is at hand.

So, I hopped on-line today and did that as well.

The funds be a dwindling.

However, I know that they are also coming in as well.

I have work all this week, then I am working on playa.

And there is always the regular work to be done, the writing, the blogging, the wondering about writing some more, like it’s time to sit the screws to another short story.

Seeing my name in print yesterday, seeing those words out there in that magazine, really blew some wind on a what feels like dying flame.

I spoke with my mom today, caught her up with me, which took all of three seconds, then I listened to all about her for the next twenty.  And that’s ok, it’s good to hear your mom’s voice before taking off for a long trip.

Not that I am entirely out of contact when I am at Burning Man, but it’s nice to know that there are people out there that know where I am.

Fortunately, all my employers know where  I will be.

Most of them will be there too.

Probably not my North Oakland mama, she’ll be staying I believe here in the bay and hanging out with her little girl, whom I have had the distinct pleasure of hanging out with today.

My gosh.

It was super good to see her.

She just makes me feel special.

Trusted.

Loved.

And funny.

It tickles my funny bone that I know how to make a kid laugh.

No small talent.

“Did you see what you just did there,” my friend said to me yesterday as we were walking up to the gates of Outside Lands.

I did, sort of, I had automatically, without thought, justified the reason why I had VIP passes.

“You went and made yourself less than,” she concluded.

“You deserve this, you get to be here, you don’t have to justify it with how much or how little you work for it, honey, we’re all the same, you deserve this, and a lot more too.” She added in as I blushed.

I having been seeing some thing clearer and my friend is entirely right.

It’s like I have been trained to not be good enough.

“Oh what do you need?” My mom asked me about household stuff.  “There’s so much great stuff down here that people just toss and the thrift stores, oh.  I could pick you up stuff and ship it out…”

I interrupted.

No.

I was not nice about it, I realized not much longer after getting off the phone.

How about you save the money on shipping the second-hand pots and pans set and send it to me in a card instead.

Fuck.

Five bucks and I’ll happily get a coffee.

Then I thought about how my mom had asked me one thing and one thing only when I offered amends to her, she wanted me to ask her for help.

Now, I know the reality of the situation is such that the help is not forthcoming, but did I still pop a resentment when she back tracked and said in a later conversation, “well, I am just so broke right now.”

Jesus.

I wonder where I get it.

This attitude of poverty.

Scarcity.

Not enough.

There is enough!

I don’t need to look to my mom to give it to me and the next time she offers to do something I will just say yes and let her do what ever she wants to with her money, lack there of, or thrift store treasure finds.

Sometimes other people’s trash really does contain some gold.

It makes her happy.

I can give her that.

That is doable.

And for the rest of it, the studio will come together with all the things I am supposed to have for it when I get back.

I have hopped around on craigslist and there is nothing that I can do at the moment.

I am still negotiating my time frame for getting my things into the city to leave on Friday while also juggling working every day and working extra tonight.

Yeah.

I am, still working, as I write this.

I don’t normally like to post up my blog before I get home.

You never know what kind of excitement I might encounter on the ride home through crack infested waters.

But I am still working, mom has got a late client and dad is doing late work for the burning thingamabob, so I am here.

Which means I am also trying to balance my time, because I have a 45 minute bicycle commute, probably 40 minutes, the traffic will be lighter than when I came in this morning, albeit it more colorful, when the mom gets back.

Her arrival time is 9:15p.m.

Which puts me at Graceland at 10 p.m.

The alarm is set for tomorrow morning at 6:30 a.m.

Yup.

Long back to back days.

But that will refill the coffers and I am sure I will sneak in some sleep tomorrow night, I have a later start time on Wednesday.

Gah.

Wednesday.

I’ll need to have it figured out by then too.

How to get from here to there.

And a talk with the mom about post-burning nanny.

Gotta suck it up and do it, maybe tonight.

Probably tonight.

Just need to not let it be a long conversation or it will be less sleep for me and I have three charges tomorrow, plus a meeting after at a coffee shop and then over to the Women’s Building for some of that good good shit.

So, breaking my blog rules, but whatever.

I gots to do what I gots to do.

Besides I don’t want to risk not being able to get online again, that was a frustrating hour that I spent extra last night trying to post.

Nope.

Thanks.

Do it now.

Do it with love.

Do it now.


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