Posts Tagged ‘frustration’

Get It While

January 22, 2019

The getting is good.

I don’t have much time left.

Just a few days before my next semester of course work begins for my PhD program.

Which means, many, many, many books, articles, discussion posts and who knows how many projects, tears, yelps of frustration, and ranting there will be.

I am assuming there will be much.

There will be moments, I already know this, where I will question, what the exact fuck am I doing getting a PhD?

And there will be moments when I know beyond a doubt that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing.

Showing up will, as always, be the most important thing.

I have been showing up first and foremost by doing the reading already.

I am nearly finished with my third book of the semester.

I haven’t really taken a look at any of the syllabi, well, one, a tiny bit, but there wasn’t a sequence of reading listed (I sense it will get revealed at the intensive our first day of class), so I figured, just read as much as I can while I can.

That really helped me last semester, I stayed on top of the reading by having read a couple of the books before the semester had gotten underway.

My suggestion, always start in on the reading as soon as possible.

Always carry some reading material with you as well.

I don’t know when the kids are going to be in school, out of school, sick, napping, not napping, or whether I will be doing pick up or drop off.

My schedule at work is fairly consistent but surprises always happen and the times when I thought, surely, not today will there be any time to read, there’s been time.

And, of course, the converse has happened.

I have really needed/wanted to work on something and I show up to find a home sick from school monkey.

Today was all about the monkey.

I had all three of my charges today as it was a school holiday.

The dad was home and that was nice, he took one of them and I had two of them and we sort of swapped back and forth the whole day.

I did baths, he cooked, I ran two of them up and down the hill to the playground, he did Lego models and took another out to lunch.

It worked well and it was a nice day, especially to be outside after all the rain over the past week and this weekend.

I didn’t get any reading done at work, but I did have a nickel of time in between work and my evening commitment.

I ran to the grocery store and did some shopping and then hit up Tart to Tart in the Inner Sunset for a quick half hour of reading and studying.

I feel like this is going to be a better semester from the stand point of having made it through the first one I know I can do the second.

I got all “A”s and I’m still a little overwhelmed by that and sincerely grateful to have earned them.

I do feel like I really did show up for the classes and did what was necessary and then some.

I figured when I got home that I would do some food prep and write a blog to settle myself down.

I feel like I want to do 18 different things before now and bed time but there really isn’t a lot to do.

I have to get through the next few days of work and I get to see clients tomorrow night and Wednesday.

Thursday morning I have group supervision bright and early, 8:15 a.m. so I’ll be up at 6 a.m. to get ready and be there on time, but after that, I don’t have to do anything but get my butt to the intensive and check in at 3p.m.

I’m out of supervision by 10:15a.m. and my nail salon opens at 10a.m., I’m going to go and get a mani/pedi and then treat myself to some Marnee Thai for lunch–I’ll be staying at a hotel in Burlingame which means hotel food, for the intensive, I figure one nice meal before I jet is needed.

I’m thinking I’ll be packing day of the intensive.

Burlingame is super close and won’t take me that long to get to, maybe 40 minutes depending on traffic.

It is far enough away that I will pretty much be staying there to make an effort to connect and hang out with my cohort and be present for the experience.

Although I did consider what it would be like to just stay at home the entire time and commute back and forth, I figure, I’m paying for the intensive as part of my tuition and it’s required that I attend all the classes, it will be a lot easier to just stay there the whole time.

I mean, Pacifica was where the last one was and that too isn’t too far from me in San Francisco, I could have stayed at home, but I know I would have missed out on a part of the bonding that I think is necessary to doing the classwork.

Plus, it’s good to put names to faces and I’m already thinking about a few of my classmates that I am excited to reconnect with.

Funny enough, there are a few people who at the first intensive I wasn’t much enamored of, but after witnessing how they showed up for the classes I want to touch base and let them know how much I appreciated them being in class.

And you know, it will be good to commiserate with others about the work and life and there’s not a lot of folks out in the world working on a PhD, so it’s community that I will want as I continue to do the work.

It can be a little isolating.

I do, also notice that I miss some of my cohort from my Master’s program.



Two more days in town and then I’m out.

I’ll likely do some blogging while I’m there, but I am not committing to anything.

Last semester was a doozy, I expect that this one will be too.

Good too.

I predict it will be good too.

God lord.

I am really getting a PhD.


Super Frustrated

June 16, 2016

But not really.

I’m frustrated because I can’t get online, but not because of the things that have been monkeying around my mind for the last week.

Oh thank you Jesus for inventory.

I did a lot today.

I did a lot last night.

I got through the day and by the end of it I was happy and satisfied and grateful and feeling all the love.

There is a solution.

And it has little or nothing to do with my best ideas.

They usually get me in trouble.

Taking the next action in front of me, that works.

I got honest with a lot of people, myself included, and though I have not had the talk with my employers, they were not available to do so today, I know that when another situation arises I have something to say.

I have a sort of script.

I have some work to do.

I am not looking forward to the conversation and I kept expecting that it was going to happen today, as I finally did enough work to see where the real work was at that had to be done, but it did not happen today.

It may not happen tomorrow either.


It will happen.

The next time I am told that I’ll be doing an unsupervised play date I have something to address and I will get to do so.

I will also, and quietly, gently, put it out there that I may be available.

I have no guarantee with the family past the summer.

I have been keeping myself quiet as I keep thinking this is the job for me, may I have it the entire time I’m in school and live happily ever after.


The fact is.

Working a nanny job with two parents that are predominately stay at home parents is a far bigger challenge than I have let on.

I think some of my very close friends know.


For the most part I have kept my thoughts and experiences regarding it to a very small pool of people.

I’m not certain that I’m going to put all my cards on the table here either, however, suffice to say I feel often times that I am in performance form.

I don’t have a lot of alone time or down time or away time.

I’m always on.

“That sounds exhausting,” a friend of mine commiserated with me today.

I laid all the cards on the table with her, not going to do it here, just isn’t the right forum.

Especially since I really like my family and I like so much of my job, the boys especially.

But there is a lot of my job that I don’t like.

And I miss the babies.

I miss all those sweet milestones in the first couple of years, the first words, the first “I love you,” then again.

“Carmen, thank you, I’ll miss you, good night, wait I have to go give my babysitter a hug good night,” my littlest guy said tonight to his play date—double play date two siblings of the same ages as my charges, one little friend for each of them.

He came running over and flung himself at me.

“I love you Carmen, I love you so much,” he clung to me.

He’s been a very sweet, soft, mushy cuddle with me all week.

“I need to love you because we are leaving on a plane and going away,” he said to me yesterday when he tackled me in the kitchen and was anchored to my ankle as I was putting away their lunch detritus.

“But you’ll come back and I’ll be here,” I said, hugging him nonetheless, never pass up the hugs of a child, just don’t.

“But I will miss you,” he said and hugged me harder.

It’s a conundrum.

But not really.

I’ll show up to work tomorrow and I’ll do a good job.

I will close up the house and make sure the boys have fresh sheets and duvets; I’ll collect all the stuffies and put them in their appropriate spots.

I’ll take out all the trash and compost and recycling and set the blinds just so and secure the house and close up shop.

I’m not sure when I’ll be done, technically six p.m.

But I bet I get out of there faster than that.

I am if nothing, extraordinarily efficient.

I get a lot done and I get it done expediently.

I still have a fairly scandalously open scheduled this weekend.

I may or may not go to the MOMA Friday afternoon with a friend.

Or I may just go to yoga and chill out in the neighborhood.

I do know this.

I’m not going to torture myself for not having it all planned out.

Let myself be flexible for my own self.

See what comes up.

Have some fun.

Be spontaneous.

Get laid.

Did I say that?


Not that I have a date.


All I know is that I feel better tonight than I have all week.

I feel like I finally did the work and the writing and got clarity on all the stupid fear I allow myself to live in, sometimes without even realizing how much stupidity I am in until I’m out of it.

Grateful for my people and doing the deal.

Grateful beyond words.


Boring almost.

Except to me.

It feels too soothing to be back comfortable in my skin.

And nice.



Fucking nice.

To not be quietly seething in shame around things that I have not said.

I have no secrets.

I have things that need to be said, but I’m not keeping anything to myself.

That’s the big thing, all my people know.

I got a spiritual solution for your desperate aim.

Thank fucking God for that.

Summer time fun.

That’s what I got for this weekend.




Free, free, free.

Happy, happy, happy.




Like that.

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