Posts Tagged ‘get me to the church on time’

You’re So Busy

March 5, 2016

Yes I am.

But you call me anyway, ‘kay?

That was the last thing I was expecting tonight, I was just going to go grocery shopping after doing the deal and getting my ass to the church on time.

“Dear God, get me to the church on time,” was the mantra I was repeating to myself today at work.

I just knew where I needed to be tonight and I needed to be amongst my people.

It’s Friday, end of the week, and yet the beginning of the work, really, tomorrow I’ll get up earlier than I do when I have a work day, but there is much to do and places to go, people to see.

And I have a routine, a set of morning practices I like to do before I head out the door and maybe it seems crazy to get up 2.5 hours before you need to be somewhere, but that’s my deal.

At least for tomorrow.

Sunday I’ll sleep in.

Maybe.

Heh.

I texted a friend, coffee, tea, movie, hang out soon?

And of course we’re all both crazy busy and sure, but maybe in April?

Yup.

So.

Mister, I’ll give you a call, let’s do coffee, let’s ok.

Let’s just do it

Let’s just not worry about the homework and the work work and the recovery work and the life, let’s just let life happen.

I can always squeeze in another person to see for a cup of coffee.

Especially when they sparkle at me.

“What is wrong with guys, don’t they see how beautiful you are?” He asked me a year ago, sometime right after my ex broke up with me and I was saying something about a bad date and or not being asked out.

“You’re crazy gorgeous, and sweet, and you have the biggest heart, if I wasn’t dating someone, I’d totally be taking you out,” he said, giving me a sympathy hug.

Cue conversation tonight in front of Our Lady of Safeway.

He’s not dating anyone anymore.

I got the “we should have coffee sometime, well, I know you’re super busy,” he started to cut himself off before I even had a chance to respond.

“I am busy, but we should have coffee anyway,” I said, and touched his arm.

“Let me get your number,” he said, then we both realized that we had each other’s numbers already.

Hilarious.

Small world.

Nice to have a surprise at the end of my week.

Especially after the touch of turmoil yesterday.

It was almost like it didn’t happen, it, I’m being obtuse, the date, the not nice, and the amends.

But that’s how it works, when I do the work, and I clean up my side of the street.

I am absurdly grateful that I was able to come clean to my behavior and make the amends quickly and with some modicum of humility and clarity around my actions.

I woke up this morning in a restful state, actually having had forgotten to set my alarm.

When I looked at my phone to see when my alarm was going off I didn’t freak out to see I had slept five minutes past my alarm, nope I was just happy to be awake and not have any text messages on my phone.

In fact, I sort of forgot all of yesterday had happened until I had made the bed and was kneeling down to do my morning routine.

Holy shit.

My head has been quiet all morning.

No upset stomach, no tears, no drama.

onice to wake up with a fresh, new, clean slate.

And here’s the funny shit.

By the time I had sat down to write my morning pages, onto my second cup of coffee, washed my breakfast dishes, I was in my head about, hey, well, ok, maybe that wasn’t the worst, I could try dating via Tinder again, I mean.

I.

Um.

Fuck.

That is crazy ass shit right there.

I just am a sucker for punishment.

Then I thought, hmm, I think I am just trying to create something to divert me from a big school prep weekend.

Like I could sneak in a date in between doing the deal with my person tomorrow, yoga class, class research for a paper, writing said paper, writing another paper on Sunday, grocery shopping, cooking for the week, oh yeah, making sure I keep caught up on all my school reading–classes next weekend–laundry, recovery, and um, heh, getting my eyebrows waxed and a mani/pedi.

Sure.

I could fucking slide a date into that mix.

Well, maybe for the guy that peeped my number tonight.

I could squeeze in a quick cup of joe.

Ha.

But no, not going to go on some date with some fantasy person on a dating site.

I realized while I was on the app that one of the things I was doing was actually looking for guys that I might know and some how short cut to the chase.

But that’s not how it works, and it’s so much better in person.

I mean.

I am not stupid, the man tonight is interested.

Whether or not it actually happens, I can say without a doubt that there is interest and chemistry, oh, yeah, and he’s one of my people, which is always compelling to me.

And if you don’t know what that means, suffice to say, it means that we have a common language and solution to a spiritual malady.

So.

Instead of re-installing the app on my phone.

I did a coloring meditation instead.

How nice was that?

So nice.

Suddenly.

I stopped and got silent and just colored and the sound of the pencil on the paper, the sudden down falling patter of rain against the outside windows, the feel of the paper under my hand, the colors on the paper and how they spoke to me, this here, this combination of indigo and violet against a lush soft pink, reminds me of sunsets at Burning Man.

I was present and quiet and focused on just being in the moment.

Instead of being in fantasy la la land.

I was at home in my heart.

At my little sky blue table, super saturated tropical colors whirling out onto the page.

I lost track of time.

It was delicious.

And it helped me stay present all day long.

With the boys, with the family, with myself.

With my principles and life and love of self.

Knowing that there was only one other place to get to and having gotten there, seen friends, checked in, got accountable, claimed my fucking seat, and spoke my bit, I am all good.

Happy, joyous, free.

And wildly grateful that I have the option to grow and love.

Better.

Stronger.

Truer than the day before.

Grace.

To have it and know it.

Luckiest girl in the world.

Fucking believe it.

 


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