My neighbor said to me as I was parking my scooter and securing her for the night.
He’d just open the door to the fenced gate and perhaps it was the sunlight hitting my face, or the big smile on it, but it was sweet to be acknowledged and I smiled harder.
I’m happy.
I feel really good.
Today was a good day.
Most days are, let me be honest, but I had just secured a new person to work with this evening after work and I feel like she and I are going to be a really great fit and I was relieved and happy and felt like I was being carried and taken care of.
“God has not brought me this far to be dropped,” I told myself this past weekend when I was still processing all that had happened, the what’s and whereof’s and why’s of being let go when you have been told that you’re the perfect, well fill in the blank.
When someone tells you you’re doing it perfectly and then let’s you go, it stings a little.
Be that as it may.
I am not perfect.
I fuck up all the time.
I’m human.
I am a spiritual being having a human experience.
And humans are messy and silly and stupid and hard-headed and stubborn and crazy, at least this human is.
I’m grateful for all the messy and the learning, especially learning how to communicate and not to take myself too seriously.
I heard something amazing today.
AMAZING.
From my supervisor while we were in session.
Slight sidebar.
Nothing says starting a busy week at work and internship better than getting up extra early to go to school to get that one piece of paper that the supervisor has to sign so that I can be registered for another class this fall semester.
And I went back to school after meeting with my supervisor to make sure it was filed correctly before I went into work and did my full shift.
Yeah.
Like that.
Anyway.
We were talking about communication and how a client communicates with us and my supervisor quoted Lacan to me.
It just about fell off the couch.
My supervisor quoted, “every time we speak we communicate less than we want and more than we know.”
Holy shit.
Story of my life.
I had never heard that before and it resonated with me on a very deep level.
I am communicating all the time and most of the time I’m not saying what I want.
I have spent years, decades probably, trying to say what I want and so often I am not getting it all out.
I am afraid to say what I want for fear of not getting it, so I’m not going to ask.
That, however, presumes that the person whom I’m engaged with can read my mind and well, that maybe magical thinking, but it’s certainly not logical thinking.
No one can read my mind.
And yet.
There are clues.
There are clues in my voice, in my body, in the way I respond to someone.
It’s pretty obvious if I don’t like you and I want to say it’s very obvious if I do.
There are grey areas and I have found that when I don’t like someone it often times has to do with seeing some characteristic in the person which reminds me of something I don’t like about myself.
Which, I just realized, makes me realize what I do like about myself when I think about people in my life whom I do like, they must represent parts of me that I like.
I have smart, capable, hard-working, brilliant, funny, loving friends.
I must have some of those qualities myself or I wouldn’t be involved with such high-caliber people.
I just wouldn’t.
Like attracts like.
So I was happy, so happy, to get to hear this woman tonight who has what I want and is smart and busy and educated, grateful and full of solution.
I’ll take some of that please.
And then happily pass it on.
That’s what I do best.
Share my experience, strength and hope with another person so that they may do the same and the learning deepens and the love grows and my life expands and grows and it is extraordinary.
I have extraordinary people in my life.
I also have an awesome job.
It was so good to see the family I work for today, I missed them and was grateful that everyone was feeling much better.
I got lots and lots and lots of hugs and I got lots of compliments on the food I cooked and loads of snuggles and it just filled me right up.
So much love.
I am loved.
And I get to love right back.
It’s a pretty amazing job.
So.
Yeah.
Radiant.
Full of light.
Oft times full of bullshit too and perhaps a touch of crazy, but for the most part, I really do feel the grace rather than the drama.
Grace over drama is one of my favorite acronyms for God.
Great out doors is another.
And.
Good orderly direction.
There’s a few more, but those are my tops.
I feel grace.
I feel full of grace.
I feel graced.
And am.
I’ve not been dropped.
I have just been carried somewhere unexpected.
It’s so lovely I don’t always know what to do with it.
But.
I am happy.
And that, in the end, is all that matters.
Happy.
Joyous.
Free.
Auntiebubba 