Officially Astounded

And just a tiny bit exhausted.

Just a tiny bit.

I did it!

I got all the things done today that I needed to do.

I did not think that was going to happen and I started to resign myself to the idea that maybe I was going to have to write my Drugs and Alcohol paper sometime over the week.

But.

Fuck yeah.

I did it.

I just printed off the paper a few minutes ago.

About twenty-five minutes ago to be exact.

I sat through my last CBT Webinar (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and when it was done I made the executive decision to just crank out the paper.

I had done some reviewing of the material before the webinar and I felt like I had a really good idea of what I was going to write about.

In fact, I was sort of, sort of, haahahaha, fuck this online webinar class, annoyed with the CBT webinar, I really did not like the format, and wished that I did not have to sit through it as I had the Drugs and Alcohol paper so in my mind I wanted to get right on it.

But sit through it I did and when it was finished I flipped once more through my notes and got it done.

I’m done with it!

So much fucking relief.

It’s printed off and in my folder.

I still have a couple of small things to do to be prepared for the final weekend of classes, but the two big papers I needed to do are now done.

The relief is real.

I have a worksheet that I need to spec up for my final group project presentation, but I’m not going to go in with an actual paper script, I know so well what I am doing that I will be able to speak extemporaneously.

Thank God for extemporaneous speaking.

I did a bit of that today as well.

I had the final dress rehearsal for People Who Usually Don’t Lecture.

I got to hear all the talks and I was pretty engaged.

The project is really going to go off well and I’m very grateful to get to be a part of it.

Mostly to get to be in the same group of people doing big things in community.

It is really a nice feeling to be a part of something human and getting to connect with yet another group of folks that I might never have met except for having been invited to participate in the  project.

It is a blessing.

And I’m beyond grateful that I get to do it.

Granted.

Still nervous.

I get pretty nervous before speaking and this will be in front of 150 people as well as being on stage, lit and video recorded.

In fact, I was video taped today.

Which I was not expecting.

I wore a flannel and jeans.

Sigh.

Oh well.

I think I’ll be wearing a dress for Tuesday’s performance.

I want to look pretty and I have a feeling that I will be more confident dressed up.

I also just want to give a good talk.

The person going after me references me in his talk and it’s an honor to get to be on the same stage.

I leaked tears the entire time he was speaking and it was really just such a nice moment to hear how he was affected by me and also that he got to know, via my blog and various other ways, how much he affected me.

I am still mystified how that works, but human connection is something so powerful.

I am a creature who needs companionship and people and I am just so grateful for all the people in my life that I have gotten to know and be around.

It’s amazing.

It’s amazing too that I’m almost done with this semester.

By this time next week I will be done.

Well.

I might still have one last paper to write, might, that’s funny, I do have one last paper to write, it’s due the 15th of the month.

My last class is the 10th and it ends at noon.

So.

I’m going to go out to sushi with a girlfriend from school to Domo in Hayes Valley to celebrate, and then, yes, I will go home and write my last paper.

I’m not really looking forward to doing more work on that day, but it really makes the most sense, especially as the paper is due on a Friday.

I won’t really have a good block of time to work on it except that Sunday.

What I’m hoping is to enjoy a good lunch with my girlfriend and hang out and spend quality time with her and then get back here to the house and kill my last paper.

I want to get my Christmas tree next Sunday.

That’s the goal.

Finish my Jungian Dream Work paper and then go celebrate by getting myself a Christmas tree.

That’s how I like to roll.

I still can’t believe that I got all the two papers done this weekend that I needed to do.

Considering how overwhelmed I felt yesterday heading into my group supervision it really is something else to be on the other side of it.

Now I just have to get through the performance Tuesday and I’ll be golden.

I’ll be able to roll up on my last weekend of the semester very mellow and relaxed.

So, so, so grateful it’s almost done.

So very grateful.

Now.

Tea and climbing into my bed.

I’ve got a big week ahead of me.

Seriously.

The Lady Who Waits

It has been too long.

Too long by far.

I remember the last time I saw you.

Standing on the corner of Mission and 10th.

Insouciant.

Perfect in the golden afternoon sunlight.

Inside I swooned with wonder.

And.

Pain.

It was going to be a long, long time, until I kissed your face again.

The hours ticked by so slow.

The thickness of honey and crystalized molasses.

But.

Not so sweet.

Rather.

Tender.

This longing growing and growing.

Over blowing my heart.

Aching and full with the promise of seeing you again.

I did not count the days.

I counted the hours.

The minutes.

The seconds.

Until now.

The hours have at last melted into the sands of time.

And soon.

OH.

So soon.

You will be here.

I have opened my home to you.

I have left all the doors unlocked.

I shall lay slumbering.

Perhaps dreaming.

Always I dream of you.

The song of you on my lips when I swan into bed.

The kiss of you on my face as I rise.

Waiting for you.

The touch of you.

The feel of you.

I want all the weight of you upon me.

I want every bit of skin to sink into me.

I await.

How I shall fall asleep?

Knowing that when next I wake you will be here with me.

Such is the conundrum in my heart.

Such sweet consternation this.

The night is on fire.

I am on fire.

You have lit me and torched I wait.

Subsumed.

I wait.

To assimilate you back into my life.

I cannot wait.

And.

Yet.

I do.

Just here.

On the edge of my chair.

On the edge of the night.

Waiting on the ledge of the waning moon.

For you.

Waiting for that cup of sweetness that is you.

So keen on you.

I am.

Devoted.

So.

Sleep.

I plead for.

Sweet slumber.

Grant me some small respite.

Until I have sunk into the lull.

Of time.

In between the kisses you plant upon me.

Wherein I can.

Once again.

Breathe in

All.

The gallant.

Lushness.

Of.

You.

 

When I Lose You

It will hurt.

What if you don’t have to?

What if?

You don’t have to lose me?

Don’t listen to those old stories lover mine.

They are just dusty faded book jackets for unrequited love.

Those stories don’t apply to us.

We are something more.

Something more than finite.

Infinite love.

Infinite good.

God smacked.

Graced.

Gorgeous, golden, you.

I have besmirched my heart for you.

And

I will stand naked before any jury.

Gallows.

Be damned.

Ours is not the history of failure.

Rising above the fog.

Riding along the waves which batter my heart.

And.

Grind down the rough edges.

All the shows and previews that your mind have written for you.

Well.

They are not true.

Not true in the sense of who we are.

Who I am.

I am so adorned in my love for you.

All this.

Passion.

Dirty blues songs ain’t got nothing on me.

Enhanced by your love.

I will wear it like the war paint of gods.

Driving further into the land of unknown.

Despite.

How well I know the darkness there, the fear that can come.

Careening out of those chasms.

I am stronger.

I will sing for you.

Cry for you.

Fight.

I am not going anywhere.

You cannot lose something that belongs to you.

I am a part of you.

As you have been imparted to me.

A blessing.

A gift.

Gracing me with all that is you.

All that is the glory of you.

It has been pressed into my skin.

All.

The.

Glorious.

Glad hearted.

Gorgeousness.

That.

Is.

You.

Don’t worry baby.

Baby mine.

I am not going anywhere.

Not now.

Not at.

Any.

Time.

G Is For Gestalt

God.

Gratitude.

Garden walks on break from class.

Golden sunlight on my skin.

Gecko like, I bask on a large rock in between ethics and a hard place.

Goodness unfolds around me as my friends gather and collate experiences and togetherness and discern when it is time for another cup of tea or a shoulder to lean against.

Great hawks soar in the sky, occasionally calling out in hearty shrieks to startle the voles and rabbits from their burrows.

Gathered I a fallen feather in the garden and caught it up in my hands, symbol of my flight.

Growth galore.

Greeting my darling French friend with bisous (kiss, kiss, kisses).

Garnet apples in a bowl.

Gravity of my feet in the shoes walking up the hill, rooted foot by foot to the earth.

Godspeed I whisper in my heart letting go again and again.

Getting to go to graduate school.

Gravitas of tears on my face and then the whistle stop blow of blood and joy bubbles in my heart and I leap forward again like a spotted fawn startled by the wind in the grass.

Glowing with love.

Growing up, growing out, growing softer.

Gardenias, garden roses, trellises of the grapes in the arbor, little tender shoots sending their heart toward the heaving blue sky above.

Grappling with all the pain and hurt and sorrow only to softly surrender, let go and let God.

Goldenrod in the grass and the dry heads of white sage fragrant and crumbled in my hand.

Goodness.

Glory.

Goodbyes not yet spoken, but echoing in my heart of things that do not serve, let them move forward and through and wave to them as they float off to the horizon.

Gerber daisies in the field.

Giant oaks spreading their tortured limbs gnarled and weathered against the tumultuous sky.

Gold, the color of her hair in the sunlight, rippling long and soft down her back as she stands pressed against the sky arms above her head stretching into the infinite abyss of love.

Guarded no longer, free to wander, go, get the heck out of Dodge.

Gilded with love and light and laughter.

Guided forward with tender hands and soft gestures of encouragement.

Graced.

Gratified.

Gentle we go.

Granted safe harbor into the night of fallen stars and midnight skies the coolness of the air as the sun sets and Orion wheels above me through the heavens.

Guarantor for all that is sacred.

Goose bumped with anticipation.

Gratuitous, those things that no longer serve.

Geese fly across pages of poetry and invite me into the circle of knowledge and secrets.

Gorgeous I am, with love, light, levity and great big belly laughs.

Goodnight dear friend.

Good rest.

Godspeed, I wish for you, and so tender into that sweet night.

Go, I.