Posts Tagged ‘goodbye’

Carmen, Let’s Not

December 22, 2016

Talk about it.

“It makes me sad to think about it,” he sighed and leaned into me.

I had just chased him down from the kitchen to the dining room into the living room where we collapsed on the leather couch by the Christmas tree.

He was full of wiggles and silliness, but underneath was far more sorrowful than I had even realized.

“The Santa in the van bag,” he said looking at the back of the Christmas tree, “that’s from you, isn’t it.”

“Yes, doll, it is, but you have to wait until Christmas day, but yes you guessed right, there’s a present in that bag for you and one for your brother,” I said and stroked his hair.

“Are you really going to be done on Friday,” he asked me.

“Yes, my sweet boy, I am, that is my last day,” I answered him, my heart swelling up.

I have said many good byes over the years to my charges, but most of them, I think, I could be wrong, but I think, didn’t realize that I was saying goodbye for good. I have not had the experience of being with older kids, older, ha, 6.5 years old and 4.5 years old, still so sweet and young (although completely dastardly about the potty talk, my God, little boys like to talk about poo, I had an idea, but shit, hahahahaha, pun intended, they do!) and so tender, but so much more cognizant of what is happening to them and around them.

“Carmen, I don’t want to talk about it, it just makes me sad to think about it, I’m going to cry when you leave,” he said looking at the Christmas tree and holding my hand.

OH MY GOD.

Child, you are breaking my heart.

I seriously do not know how I wasn’t a slobbering mess on the couch.

I mean.

Oof.

So much love and bitter sweetness, this saying goodbye.

I won’t lie, there’s also a part of me that is ready for the next adventure, I am, but I am also having all the feels.

Every damn one of them.

I have gotten, with both boys, this past week, to have quiet moments with each of them that have just blown my heart to smithereens.

Reading and cuddle time with the littlest and though has officially phased out of the nap stage, he still gets awful cozy around quiet time and just wants to cuddle on my lap and read stories.

I am super grateful that I have had this last week with them, pretty uninterrupted with other jobs, school, or life stuff.

Oh.

Life stuff is still happening, but I have gotten to work full-time hours with the boys, breakfast to dinner the last three days and though occasionally a goofy handful, there’s not really been tempter tantrums or drama.

Knock on wood.

Tomorrow and Friday I will have short days with them.

Tomorrow I go in early and I’m just edging into up past my bed time with my early start, but I had to write, not having written last night.

My blog got laid.

Ahem.

And so I had to write tonight.

I don’t like taking too much time off from it, and though the lack of sleep my affect me a bit, I’ll be out early as well.

The mom is taking the boys to A Charlie Brown Christmas matinée at the San Francisco Symphony.

I”ll do breakfast, a dash out to the park, lunch, baths probably and then get the boys dressed up in their finest.

Their finest is pretty fucking cute too.

Little velvet blazers.

Ugh.

Adorable.

And, AND, bow ties.

I mean.

Seriously, the cute factor is off the hook.

So I’ll be out by 1:30 p.m.

I have a meeting with my person and then a bit of free time before doing the deal.

I’m thinking that once I finish up with my person I will head over to Folsom and 14th, right around the corner from Rintaro.

I’m not going to go eat high-end Japanese street food, although there’s always  a desire to eat good like that all the time, it’s pretty outside the box as far as what I want to drop money wise on food.

No.

I’m not going to be grabbing a bite.

Rather.

I discovered a new Thai Massage place that had just opened and it had a bunch of grand opening specials listed on the chalk board outside the store front.

Including a free ten minute hot/dry sauna.

Oh yes, I’d like that please and thank you.

I’m thinking that I’ll book myself a massage for Friday after my last day with the boys.

I’m getting out early on Friday as well.

I think by 1 p.m.

The boys and I will do breakfast, maybe go to the park, but secretly I think I will take them to Ritual Coffee and get a last latte with them and get them little steamed milks or hot chocolates and we’ll sit on the big carved ship bench parklet in front of the cafe and play pirates.

Then the house, one last lunch with my monkeys and then they, lucky boys, are going to a private showing of Star Wars at the Roxie Theater in the Mission with a friend and classmate whose mum rented the theater for his birthday.

Nice birthday party if you can get it.

Heh.

I was, at first, a little upset that our last day was going to be cut short.

Then.

I had a change in perspective and got really grateful.

What better way to leave?

On a happy note, saying goodbye may make the boys a little sad, but hey, they’ll be heading shortly thereafter to Star Wars on the big screen.

That should provide a little distraction.

And.

It’s not a final goodbye, they will be in my lives, probably more so than many of my past charges, as the new family I work for attends their school.

I will get to see them and hug them and watch them grow bigger.

“You’ll visit us though, right?”  He asked, worriedly taking my hand, “please visit us, as much as you can.”

Oh bunny.

“Yes, as much as I can, I won’t be leaving your life, I promise,” I hugged him and though I teared up, I did not cry.

Saved that up for right now.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

That I shall say goodnight.

Till it be morrow.

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G Is For Gestalt

August 12, 2016

God.

Gratitude.

Garden walks on break from class.

Golden sunlight on my skin.

Gecko like, I bask on a large rock in between ethics and a hard place.

Goodness unfolds around me as my friends gather and collate experiences and togetherness and discern when it is time for another cup of tea or a shoulder to lean against.

Great hawks soar in the sky, occasionally calling out in hearty shrieks to startle the voles and rabbits from their burrows.

Gathered I a fallen feather in the garden and caught it up in my hands, symbol of my flight.

Growth galore.

Greeting my darling French friend with bisous (kiss, kiss, kisses).

Garnet apples in a bowl.

Gravity of my feet in the shoes walking up the hill, rooted foot by foot to the earth.

Godspeed I whisper in my heart letting go again and again.

Getting to go to graduate school.

Gravitas of tears on my face and then the whistle stop blow of blood and joy bubbles in my heart and I leap forward again like a spotted fawn startled by the wind in the grass.

Glowing with love.

Growing up, growing out, growing softer.

Gardenias, garden roses, trellises of the grapes in the arbor, little tender shoots sending their heart toward the heaving blue sky above.

Grappling with all the pain and hurt and sorrow only to softly surrender, let go and let God.

Goldenrod in the grass and the dry heads of white sage fragrant and crumbled in my hand.

Goodness.

Glory.

Goodbyes not yet spoken, but echoing in my heart of things that do not serve, let them move forward and through and wave to them as they float off to the horizon.

Gerber daisies in the field.

Giant oaks spreading their tortured limbs gnarled and weathered against the tumultuous sky.

Gold, the color of her hair in the sunlight, rippling long and soft down her back as she stands pressed against the sky arms above her head stretching into the infinite abyss of love.

Guarded no longer, free to wander, go, get the heck out of Dodge.

Gilded with love and light and laughter.

Guided forward with tender hands and soft gestures of encouragement.

Graced.

Gratified.

Gentle we go.

Granted safe harbor into the night of fallen stars and midnight skies the coolness of the air as the sun sets and Orion wheels above me through the heavens.

Guarantor for all that is sacred.

Goose bumped with anticipation.

Gratuitous, those things that no longer serve.

Geese fly across pages of poetry and invite me into the circle of knowledge and secrets.

Gorgeous I am, with love, light, levity and great big belly laughs.

Goodnight dear friend.

Good rest.

Godspeed, I wish for you, and so tender into that sweet night.

Go, I.

 

 

 


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