The guy I’ve been seeing helped me double check that my transcripts showed the full credits for my program earlier this week.
Like, super fast, I’m all fumbling around on my phone, don’t know what I’m looking for, can’t find it.
“Here,” he said, “I’m good at stuff like this,” after he watched me bemusedly for a few minutes.
I handed him my phone.
30 seconds late, “here you go.”
And there it was.
My unofficial transcript.
Showing, oh quite clearly, that yes, I do have all the credits needed to graduate.
Fuck yes.
Good god damn.
I’m fucking going to graduate.
With my PhD.
I’m a doctor baby.
It’s still so surreal.
It’s been months since I defended my dissertation, and was named doctor at the defense, but because of the lateness in the semester and all things pandemic, the paperwork did not go through until the second week of January.
And then I was twiddling my thumbs.
What now?
What next?
Let’s go people.
Then I got an excited and gushing text from a former TA saying, hey it looks like school is going to do graduation in person!
“Are you going to be there?”
Um yes.
Hello.
But am I?
Because there were some wonky administration/tech issues with the website and I couldn’t use the graduation application portal.
It didn’t work.
Fucking technology.
So, I follow up with admin at the school and I’m told, go check and make sure that you have enough credits on your transcripts and then when you find out, email such and such person.
Which is what I was doing in the kitchen at the man’s house.
In fact.
It was he who encouraged me to check it via my phone.
I’m so phone adverse when it comes to certain things.
I have all my passwords on my laptop and sometimes I would just rather look at the larger screen and see the big words and images and not be scrolling my tiny phone screen.
Well.
It’s an Iphone, so not that tiny.
But still.
I like doing the computer.
But he was like, just do it now.
So I did, and I drop the transcript ball–why is the registrar page so challenging to navigate!? And then he gently intervened, and there it was. All the glorious credits with all the accompanying “A’s” and I saw I had enough and I emailed the tech person and then I did a happy dance around his kitchen.
And then he fed me steak.
Thank you.
Then.
I’ve waited all week to hear back.
And I thought tonight, well, what the fuck am I waiting for, go back into my student account and just check to see what’s happnening.
AND!
BOOM.
There it was.
The portal was blue.
The screen showed that I was allowed to apply to graduate!
Holy shit.
It is actually happening.
It also asked me to verify my name and how I want it to look on my diploma.
Bring that bitch to me.
Hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans later, give me that damn piece of paper.
I have so fucking earned it.
I am over the moon.
My best friend from Wisconsin may even come out and watch me walk.
And my mom.
And my people in my recovery community.
Y’all come on by now.
I don’t yet know if it will be in person, pandemic fingers crossed please, but if it is I am also hoping that they do it at the same theater that they did my Master’s program graduation.
That would be hella swell.
Because, ha, it’s a ten minute walk from my house!
I’m beginning to not know what day of the week it is.
That is a little surreal for me.
I am still sticking to a type of scheduled and since I have had group supervision and individual supervision the last two mornings, I’ve actually been setting alarms to get up.
Which reminds me, I need to do that for tomorrow since I have a video session in the morning with a client.
I sense tomorrow and Sunday are going to be the weird days for me.
I had supervision, an online meeting, and two clients today.
Plus a long phone call with a dear friend from my Master’s program and a long walk through the park.
I was actually a little upset today on my walk.
The beach was busy!
I mean, I sort of get it when it’s a nice day and the surf is good, but people, we got a shelter in place happening and further admonishment from the governor to hunker down.
I was surprised to see so many people and so many groups!
I had to take my judgmental self away from the beach.
It was too busy with people and the parking lot at the Balboa side of Ocean Beach was packed!
I headed instead to Golden Gate and hit the horse paths.
There’s horseback riding paths that criss cross the park and they are not nearly as trod as the regular walking paths.
I didn’t see a person and when I did pop out of the park on the Fulton Street side to head back to my house, I graciously gave everyone a wide berth or crossed the street to not make contact.
And.
Even with that decent amount of activity I felt it begin to creep in, the malaise of being confined to my own space.
And I really love my space.
So.
I had a mid-afternoon dance party and I did some meditation afterward.
That felt better.
But it is beginning to all blur together.
I had zero, and I mean like none at all, motivation to do school work.
I know I will have to this weekend and it will help break things up to focus on papers and drafts and getting work in.
Which also reminds me, where the hell is the draft I turned in last week? I need to get it back so I can make revisions and implement changes that the professor wants.
Tomorrow all I have is one client.
I did make plans to meet a friend on the other side of the park to go walk her dog on the beach.
Her side of Ocean Beach on the Outer Sunset side, won’t be as busy as my side on the Outer Richmond side as my side has parking and a lot of surfers hit the break out here.
No break on the Judah Street side in the Outer Sunset the next nearest break is Noriega, so there won’t be cars and surfers and big families playing soccer (that’s what got me, a big group of I’m assuming family, playing soccer, there were just too many folks too close) and she and I can walk apart and let her dog frolic in the waves.
I have connected so much to the neighborhood this week, I am grateful for that.
I have taken long walks every day in the afternoon either before or after lunch and I have seen things and walked parts of the park that I have only driven past.
That has been lovely.
I also know that I am very lucky to be so close to such a large park too. It is big enough to give wide space to others when I come across them.
I am also going through parts that aren’t often used, like the backside of the archery field or the horse paths.
I figure I will also do a longer hike at some point and really explore Sutro Baths and Land’s End.
If we are not under martial law at that point.
I keep hearing rumors about that, but I’m trying to stay out of the rumor mill, it does not help me keep my equilibrium and that has to stay in place. I have clients to support and therapy to do.
I have also given up the office I just started subletting a few months ago.
I only use it one day a week and the woman who is my individual supervisor and my landlord has given me more access to the main office I am in.
I now have access to it in a full time capacity.
So I called the woman I sublet from and told her I had to give it up and I gave notice.
I will still have to pay rent on it for this month and I think also next month and possibly the month after.
If we are able to go back to work in our offices I may use it a touch more, but I doubt that is going to happen.
My agency is preparing for three to six months of this strangeness.
Most of us have the feeling that we won’t be going back on April 7th when the three weeks of shelter in place is up.
I’m preparing myself mentally for a longer haul.
Of course I am hoping that doesn’t happen, but I am preparing myself for the possibility.
So, yeah, gave up my Monday office.
And it’s all going to be ok.
I have food, I have shelter, sunlight, access to my deck, places to walk still (hoping that will hold out a little longer), friends to have long conversations on the phone
For a little while, a few days here, maybe a couple of weeks, I’m not one hundred percent sure, but I am going to try and post up some blogs and stay a little regular for a little while.
At least until next semester hits.
Then.
Buh bye.
This semester was by far the heaviest work load I have carried in school.
I did a bonkers amount of reading, researching and writing.
All the time.
It just was a constant grind.
And.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmm.
I turned in my final paper today, this very afternoon.
I am done!
I am done!
I am done!
It feels so very nice.
I already know that I have gotten “A’s” in my two other classes, I completed one last week, turning in the final paper a little early so that I could focus on the last final project I had.
Said project cumulated in a 176 page paper.
Yeah.
I said that.
176 pages.
I pretty much put together a god damn book.
But when I think about it, that’s basically what a dissertation is, a book.
This was not my dissertation but it had some thematics that I will pull in for my work.
And I didn’t write the whole thing all in one shot.
It was broken up into four parts over the course of the semester.
I basically wrote four good sized papers and then connected them all together for the final compilation.
I am so grateful it’s done I can’t even believe that I don’t have a book to read tomorrow, a discussion post to write, a paper to write, an article to read, research to do.
All I have to do is supervision and see clients.
All.
heh.
Yeah.
That’s the other thing.
I have been busting my ass building my private practice.
I currently have 24 clients!
I cannot believe that.
It just amazes me.
Yes.
I am still nannying.
Although!
Not for long.
This week I officially dropped another day, so I’m down to working two days a week and neither day is a full day. Mondays I’ll be working 9a.m. to 4p.m. and Tuesdays 11 a.m. to 4p.m.
And!
I gave my notice.
That’s right.
I gave my mothefucking notice.
I am so over the moon.
It actually eclipses finishing the semester, I am going to stop being a nanny.
After 13 years of nannying I am going to finally hang up my nanny clogs.
They are not the same clogs I started with, but I am ready to toss them.
I had a really good talk with the mom this week and I am giving them a very healthy notice.
I will stay with them through February.
My final day will be Tuesday, February 25th.
I am sticking it out for another couple of months for two reasons–my imminent trip to Paris and my second semester PhD retreat.
I will be missing two weeks of client sessions while I go to Paris and I will miss another week of sessions in January when I am at the retreat. This means I will lose three weeks of revenue and that’s a lot.
To offset that I am going to stay with the family until the end of February to make sure that I have enough coming in to self-sustain.
Last week I hit my number that I need to be able to just work as a psychotherapist.
It was wonderful to see that number pop up on my Ivy Pay app–I use Ivy Pay to charge clients and it tallies what I make and when my goal number rolled over I was just over the moon.
That’s it.
That’s what I need to make weekly to be able to quit my nanny job.
I can do that!
I can.
If I wasn’t going on vacation I would have quit by the end of the year.
But.
I am going on vacation, and it is needed, I am so ready for a break. And I don’t want to worry about covering expenses or not enjoying myself.
I want to do some clothes shopping and go to museums and eat nice food and go to the ballet. I want to go ice skating at the Grand Palais, which has the largest indoor ice rink in the world. I will probably fall on my ass and get run over by small children, but I don’t care, it looks marvelous and I can’t imagine anything more spectacular than ice skating in a giant palace in Paris.
I mean.
Seriously.
I also am staying at a really nice Air BnB and I dropped some dimes on it, but I know it’s going to be worth it.
So I didn’t want to worry about spending, I will likely get a tattoo while there, I like doing that, a souvenir I carry with me all my days, and if I want to order a second cafe creme or fuck, a third, I will.
I get to enjoy myself and so that means a couple more months of nanny.
So be it.
It’s worth it and there’s a light, oh there’s a bright light at the end of the tunnel.
I am almost there.
I am almost 100% fully self-supporting as a therapist, as an Associate Psychotherapist at that, I actually could afford to quit my nanny job is I was a regular MFT, but having to pay agency fees, supervision fees, administration fees and the 12.75% cut the agency takes, I have to work more.
I don’t mind, I’m just paying my dues and the end is in sight.
It’s a lovely sight too.
I’m remembering my birthday dinner last year, yeah, that’s coming up soon, next Wednesday is my birthday, and how I made the intention that I would be quitting my nanny job and have a full therapy practice.
I cannot believe it actually happened.
But it did.
The week before my birthday I hit my number and I gave notice.
Amazing.
I think my intention for this upcoming year is that I be engaged to be married by my next birthday.
I’m dead serious.
I want to be engaged.
That’s the intention I will set.
Somewhere in Paris, having dinner, rare steak or a tartare, a cafe creme and a cheese plate for dessert.
Like the fucking worst, I thought I was going to vomit, I definitely burst into tears, and I cried for about a half hour after the event happened.
Slow.
Steady.
Leaky tears.
Which doesn’t bode well for having to see therapy clients when I finished my nanny job.
I cried off most of my eye makeup, and I didn’t wear the waterproof mascara today.
Not that I think my clients ever notice the state or disarray of my makeup, but I felt pretty raw today heading out to see clients.
I deleted my paper.
I deleted a work in progress paper that I have been working on since the beginning of the semester, meaning, I have been on and off writing this paper for seven or eight weeks.
50 pages.
86 references.
Fully formatted bibliography.
Poof.
Fucking gone.
I deleted it.
It was a total accident.
I can’t get into the specifics of it exactly, it would mean trying to explain APA formatting and the technology platform that I use to help me format my papers and that said technology has definitely not been doing so well holding this gigantic thing and it sort of just disappeared.
There were warnings that something like this would happen.
I had a near panic attack at work about three weeks ago when I couldn’t open the paper and I had to send the bibliography into my professor to show the progress on the work.
It’s actually a journal, not a formally written paper, it’s rather like an annotated bibliography where I have a running list of all the references, books, articles, websites, etc, that I have been collecting to help me write my dissertation.
By the end of the semester I need to have 250-300 references.
The one that got deleted today has 86.
So I still have a ways to go, but hey, 86 ain’t bad.
There’s an upcoming assignment that’s due on November 4th where I will have to provide 25-50 pages of the journal to the professor along with the full bibliography and a bunch of other stuff I won’t bore you with.
I have been diligent about doing the work, but the app has been pretty slow, but I’m used to it and I sort of just look the other way and let the damn thing do it’s thing.
Which is what I was doing, I had just formatted another reference and had another queued up to go and I wanted to look at the paper that I was citing and I toggled out of the paper and into Chrome and I was typing something and the app popped me from Chrome back into the paper and I hit backspace and deleted the whole thing, but I also typed the letter e and that replaced the paper. So when I hit undo, all it did was undo the letter e and leave me with a blank paper.
I couldn’t undo the undo.
I literally just about vomited.
And it was such horrid timing.
The monkey woke up form his nap and both mom and dad were working from home.
I didn’t say anything.
I went to get the monkey.
The mom saw my face though and asked if something was wrong and I started crying and said “no, well, um, yeah, I think I just deleted a 50 page paper with 86 references that I have been working on for weeks and excuse me a second.”
I ran to the bathroom and sobbed for a few moments.
Then.
I washed my face,
Dried my hands.
And.
Walked back out and started to try and get a semblance of normality back together.
All I could think about though was the gigantic stack of books on my desk and how I was going to have to go back through all of them to find the quotes I had pulled, plus all the articles and how long it had taken me to just accrue what I had.
And fuck, would I even be able to get enough together to turn in the upcoming assignment and what the fuck was I going to do about the other two classes I have work in.
I mean I felt fucking floored.
I texted a friend in my cohort who immediately called, but I couldn’t pick up, I had the monkey in my lap and mom and dad doing their work and shit.
My friend texted me a bunch of helpful stuff and I thought, I do know one super tech savvy guy, maybe I can reach out to him.
Then the dad stepped in.
He asked me to show him the app and I showed him what happened and how the paper came up just as 1 page and the letter “e.”
He did the same undo thing and it just went blank.
Then he quit the app and toggled around and found a back up in Word and saved it, cut and pasted the entirety to an email and sent it to me.
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.
I have my paper back.
This is not an experience I ever want to have again.
I have another app that I bought and paid for at the beginning of the semester, but being a little tech phobic I never even opened it up to use it, relying on the comfortable and known to do the work for this semester.
No more of that shit.
I will be opening up Scrivener and not using Perrla any more.
I actually couldn’t bear to look at it tonight when I got home.
It’s safe.
It’s not going anywhere.
I have a file.
I have it backed up.
I am taking a break.
I need to do that.
I’m going to post my little blog.
How nice it is to be here again, sweet, sweet blog, I don’t get around to you so much anymore.
This PhD semester is kicking my ass.
And.
I am seriously grateful that I get to be pursuing a PhD and that, thank every freaking God, deity, Goddess, Universe, Spirit et al, that my paper is still amongst the living.
Because if it weren’t I’d be seriously screwed and if you think you don’t see much of me now, there would be none of me the rest of the semester.
It’s been a tough, long few weeks, so much school work.
So much.
I really even shouldn’t be here.
But.
I am and there’s that and I don’t have much capacity to do much more homework today, so I’m letting myself off the hook and enjoying blogging because I like blogging and it’s hella nice to not think about homework.
I think about it all day long.
ALL DAY.
I know it’s just part of the territory.
I thought a bit about the trials and tribulations of graduate school, of getting my PhD, of how long it takes and how much work it is.
I thought.
Why the fuck am I doing this?
And.
I can’t stop now.
I mean.
I know why I’m doing this and everyone I talk to is onboard with what I’m working on, it’s just, well, fuck, it’s so much work.
I wondered yesterday what it would be to just, just, work a full time job.
How novel would that be?
Pretty fucking novel.
I am not there yet.
And it feels like it’s a little further away than I would like, but I know at some point I will get there.
I will finish my PhD.
I will just be a therapist.
I will not nanny any longer.
The nannying is sweet and challenging right now.
The big kids really miss me and it’s been hard on them, this transition of not seeing as much of me as they used to.
I miss them too.
I had a huge cuddle session with the oldest boy today when he got home from school, he’s nine and just a pie.
I love all of them in all their different ways.
Each one I love the best.
Each one is my favorite.
Each one is special.
And I’m also so ready to not be nannying any more.
I don’t want to be cleaning someone’s house in my down time, or getting another’s dry cleaning or taking out someone else’s trash or folding some one else’s laundry.
I just want to do that for myself.
Sometimes I don’t really mind, it’s a bit meditative to sweep the floor or wash the dishes, or put away laundry.
Most times I don’t mind at all.
But I am ready to transition out.
It’s been thirteen years.
It’s time for something new.
I don’t know when it’s going to be and I had some high hopes that it would be by my birthday in December.
I will fly out to Paris on December 17th and a big part of me was hoping I would be able to fly off to France being done with the family.
I’m not so sure now.
Yes.
I did start with a new client this week.
And I had a client move, two other clients transition to twice a month, and another tell me they are moving next month.
Ugh.
I need to go in the opposite way and bring in more clients.
Add to that a lot of cancellations this week and the next and I am questioning whether I will have enough set aside to make that leap in December and then go off on a ten day vacation.
I know it will all work out and I know the nannying will end in due time.
I realized this week that I may just have to hold that end date gently and if I have to work a little longer as a nanny it’s ok.
I also recognize that I cannot predict when I get clients.
It has been slowly building and I am sure it will continue to build.
I have been handing out business cards and talking to people and I’m sure I can take some other actions too, but I truly don’t know what actions lead to what results.
That being said.
I did take some actions to make sure that I am taking care of myself.
Yesterday I got a massage for the first time in two years.
There’s a small place up the road from me on Balboa Street and it’s spare and bare bones, but the table was heated and it was women’s day and I got $5 off and the massage only cost $50!
I tipped $10 and was quite happy with my one hour Shiatsu massage.
I want to do that about once a month.
I hold a lot of trauma in my private practice and I don’t want to carry around other people’s trauma, I have enough of my own thanks, I don’t need to hold vicarious trauma along with it.
So massages are good and so is exercise.
And.
Finally.
Finally.
I pulled the trigger and signed up for the local yoga studio Purusha
They are running an unlimited monthly student special for $90.
That’s a pretty fucking good deal for San Francisco studios.
I had a really nice conversation with the woman at the front desk and talked about being a therapist and a PhD student and the need to get the anxiety out of my body.
And.
That I haven’t done yoga in like a year and a half and that I feel super rusty and nervous.
I found a good class to ease back into and I start tomorrow.
I have mornings off from nannying on Wednesdays and Fridays, so I figure two days a week to start, really aiming for three to four once I’m back into the flow.
I also tell myself, don’t try to figure out your calendar quite yet.
Just show up each day you can.
So tomorrow I will get up early instead of sleeping in and go to yoga before I have supervision.
Then homework and clients in the evening.
I have had anxiety about getting something else to fit in my schedule, but I realized yesterday as I was getting the massage, the only way to maintain what I am doing is to do really extensive self-care and exercising has not been a priority.
I feel like it is now.
And all I have to do is get up, put on my yoga clothes and show up.
Showing up is 3/4s of the battle anyway.
Keep showing up for my homework.
Keep showing up for my clients.
Keep showing up for my cohort.
Keep showing up for my nanny family.
But most importantly.
Keep showing up for myself with as much love and kindness as I can muster.
I have two days left before I head down to Pacifica and step back into my PhD life.
Not that I haven’t already been in it.
Yesterday was a shit storm of homework, talking about the work, thinking about the work, reading, writing, posting to Canvas, the platform my online work is on, and feeling way too fucking anxious for my own good.
Seriously.
I had forgotten that ever present, low lying level of anxiety that being in school and working full time gives me.
I had a phone call with a friend in my cohort to talk about some collaborative processes regarding school and a proposal that we have to have done to present at the intensive and I just got bonkers.
I realized, yet again, that I was already behind the ball.
Thanks brain, nothing like making yourself feel bad after a really extraordinary Saturday.
More on that in a moment.
I tried to talk myself in from the ledge and I did ok, but reading and re-reading the syllabi made my stomach flip.
As once again I face the prospect of having to be in zoom meetings on days and times that I cannot as I will be working or seeing a therapy client.
And why?
WHY!?!
Are my electives more fucking work than my required course work?
Shit.
I was totally taken aback at my electives coursework.
Ugh.
I am not complaining, well, a little.
I just get the overwhelms.
And I know this feeling.
I have had it every semester.
I have had it every semester of my Master’s program and yes, for both the semesters in my first year of my PhD coursework.
And inevitably I find the time, it appears, like magic, a sloop on the sea back lit with moon light, and there is the path and I don’t really know how, but it all gets done.
It always does.
So.
I tried to reason a tiny bit with myself that this would be the same thing too and like every semester some weirdo shit happens with my financial aid, this year was no different, but things get worked out, as they did this year as well.
Everything gets worked out.
And.
If I don’t get A’s I’ll be alright.
I mean.
I’m going to fucking get A’s because that’s what I do and because I am a damn good writer.
Not that one can always tell from the writing in my blogs, but I do believe I am a good writer.
Not great, I won’t call what I do that, but good.
I am solid.
I am fluid.
I have good ideas.
I have poetic turns.
I have way with words, have I.
And I have a sense that I will have more time this semester than I did last year.
My work is transitioning.
Boy fucking howdy is it transitioning.
I had a pricking in my thumbs all last week that there was a conversation that needed to happen with the mom at work and I finally had the opportunity to address it and yes, my schedule is changing.
CHANGING.
I’m going to go down to three days a week come the third week in September, basically in a month, I will only be nannying three days a week.
And.
I will continue to transition down every time I pick up a client.
Which I did yesterday.
I am now at 18 clients.
I need two more to cover the costs of losing the nanny hours, but I suspect that I will secure them by the time I go down to three days a week.
And I need five more clients after that, I think, if I have done the math right, to be fully self-sustaining as a therapist.
That would be 25.
I want 30 though and possibly a few more.
As.
Well.
Clients cancel.
Things happen, stuff comes up at work, vacations, sick days, etc.
I need to have a buffer and account for that.
But even then.
When I think about it, when I let myself dream and drift a little, 30-35 clients, why, shit, that’s 10 hours a week less then I was working first semester of my PhD program last year.
I went into the program working 42-45 hours a week–as a nanny, I’m not including hours that I was seeing clients or doing group supervision and training with my agency.
At one point right at the beginning of the second semester I was working about 60 hours of work between the two and doing my PhD work, no wonder I felt crazed by the end of the semester.
And thankfully.
Second semester saw me drop down to 40 towards the end of the semester and then around the beginning of the summer 35 and then two weeks ago 30 and I’m staring down 20 hours when the transition happens. The two older kids will be back in school and the family secured a daycare spot for the littlest guy.
20 hours of nanny work.
Actually that’s not even true, more like 18 since I picked up a client yesterday.
18 hours of nannying.
I mean.
I cannot even believe that.
I have been nannying for 12 1/2 years.
Thirteen maybe.
I am never quite sure about the number.
A long fucking time, how about that.
I really thought at one point that I would never not be a nanny and there was some self-esteem stuff tied up with that.
I had judgements about what I did as a profession.
I mean.
Who takes a nanny seriously?
Despite the enormous amount of work it takes to be a nanny, it is not seen as a credible career in Western society.
I have worked my ass off, however, as a nanny, and I can ascertain that most nannies do.
Not all of them.
I have seen some pretty lax shit happen in the parks, but it’s a damn lot of work.
It can also have the appearance of being fun and games all the time, going out to ice cream, going to parks, taking the monkeys to an arcade–got to do that today, me and the eldest hit up Free Gold Watch in the Haight, singing, taking long walks, being outside, playtime, nap time.
But it is work.
Work to stay present and balanced and even keeled when there’s crazy happening, when there’s screaming tantrums, when there’s diapers and vomit and sick kids or crazed sugar mania happening.
Work.
A lot of work.
And love.
Don’t get me wrong, there is so much love.
And.
I am done with it.
I have done it long enough.
I have paid my dues.
I can see the light at the end of the nanny tunnel and though I am a little afraid to go into the light.
(Don’t go into the light Carol Anne!)
Go I shall.
We strength and grace and assuredness that I will be held financially and be full self-supporting as a therapist.
I know I will.
I have extended office hours, I have rented extra office space, I have built it.
They will come.
Oh yes they will.
And the faster they come, the sooner I am done nannying.
Ooh la la.
Now.
Just to get through the anxiety of starting up school again.
Which is fucking hilarious as I carted around two gigantic text books today on the off chance of being somewhere I was going to read.
I learned to always carry my books with me, because inevitably the day will come when I don’t, (this past Saturday) when a client no shows and I have down time to read.
Or I’m at work and unexpectedly get time to read.
I probably won’t at all be able to do that at work tomorrow, I just don’t see it happening, but sometimes it does and as my time is super precious I use whatever I can get.
I have finished one of my text books for the fall semester and started in on another one and I am simultaneously reviewing a few articles for the class I will be guest lecturing on the 21st of September and reading a book for that class as well.
I did question myself a little about that today as I sat in a training in Berkeley for my agency, what am I doing teaching a class too this semester?!
But, I feel it’s good for me to do and I’m excited for the topic and the few people, outside of school, I have run it by, really like listening to me talk about it.
I find that encouraging, if someone who doesn’t have a background in psychology finds it fascinating, those who are pursuing the Master’s degree should like it too.
Or so I hope.
Regardless of whether they do or not, I am learning as I prepare to teach.
Which is always how it goes.
Want to learn something on a deeper level?
Teach it.
I have had that experience over and over and over again.
And I’m grateful to get to go before an incoming Master’s cohort who are just beginning their journey and say here I am, in my second year of a PhD program, as a licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist with a burgeoning private practice.
I get to model what they can become and that’s really a sweet gift to give back.
I didn’t know how much work it was going to be and I’m pretty glad I didn’t, I did know I was right where I was supposed to be and I want to share all the things that I have gotten to learn over the past few years.
An hour and a half lecture will not encapsulate that, but it should be enough time to lecture on Reverie, which I find totally fascinating.
Reverie is something that happens in sessions where daydreams, wayward thoughts, fantasies, visions, intuitions, come to the therapist.
The first time it happened to me in a session, a dyad at school with a classmate, I got spooked.
I thought I had drifted off.
But there was something so potent about it, the image that came to mind, that I mentioned it to my professor who then told me that I had experienced reverie and that it was clinically significant.
We discussed what I saw, how it was clinically relevant, and how to make an intervention around it.
It was fascinating.
It still is and there’s lots to talk about, and I won’t bore you with it at this time, since I don’t know that you’re really here to listen to me practice my lecture in Psychodynamics.
Heh.
Who knows why you’re here anyway.
I don’t.
I mean.
This blog has been dark for almost two years now, maybe actually it has been a little more than two years.
I don’t link it to social media.
I don’t post it anywhere.
This is just me noodling away at my keyboard.
There are perhaps of handful of folks that still follow me out there who know me, but most of the people that read this have no idea who I am.
Once in a while it gets read a whole bunch and I’ll be curious who has discovered it and why is it so fascinating.
Recently it was getting a ton of reads in, of all places, Hong Kong.
No idea why.
But for a few days, on and off for the last couple of months, literally hundreds of my blogs were being read in Hong Kong.
That was kind of cool to see.
I don’t know how many blogs I’m going to get out before the semester starts, I’ll be starting with some new clients this week and trying to get some homework done before the intensive.
One of my classes doesn’t have the syllabus up yet, which always makes me nervous, but the other two do and there is going to be some major work and a lot of reading to do this semester just for these two classes.
But.
I am not going to stop blogging.
Especially since I am going to actually try to incorporate my blog into a “Work In Progress” assignment for my class in Arts Based Research.
I know that I won’t be able to do a blog a day like I still managed to do with my Master’s degree.
That became really evident I am sure when my blogs took a total nose dive once I began my PhD and started building up my private practice.
The blog took such a hit.
But.
I have never stopped writing and I’m going to keep sending out these little missives to the Universe whenever I can.
It helps me to keep my writing chops and it helps me process all the things.
Like not speaking or being in contact with my ex and what that feels like.
Good and super hard all at the same time and scary and sad.
Or thinking about the time I was in Cuba, just recently and had an overwhelming spiritual experience at a Catholic church where Santoria is practiced.
Floods of tears, praying on my knees, and asking for forgiveness in front of a black Madonna.
Or when I was walking the cobblestone streets of Old Havana with my hair up, a long white dress on, a bright turquoise parasol protecting me from the sun and the feeling of awe in wonder at who I get to be in this life and where I get to go.
And.
Where I get to go home to.
San Francisco.
I am still here.
Hanging on at the edge of the city.
The ledge of the Western seaboard.
Two blocks from the Ocean.
The moon rise and the the dark breach of universe turning above me.
I am so fucking grateful to be alive.
It’s ok that I got my heart broke.
It’s ok that my rent’s ridiculous.
It’s ok that I’m still a nanny.
I get to do all these miraculous things.
It’s ok that I’m busy with my PhD and nervous to teach the class.
The Universe and the Universe throws hella new clients at you!
Holy crow.
Last Thursday I took a, for me, leap and connected with a woman who has an office in the same building I have my therapy office in.
She had tagged me in a post on social media about having office hours available.
I was really interested in one of the days, but, also, well, nervous, can I take on more rent?
I brought it up last week in Group Supervision and my supervisor interrupted me and said, “Who here thinks that Carmen should rent the office?”
Everyone raised their hands.
EVERYONE.
Ok then.
One of the members in my group succinctly pointed out that I have been steadily adding new clients and building my practice.
At the time of the conversation I had 15 clients.
I had 16 but one client moved.
And.
My group member was right, I have steadily increased my client load and I had the sense of “if you build it they will come.”
So reached out that day and sent a direct text and inquired.
I got a response that it was available, but/and two other people had expressed interest.
Shit.
But they hadn’t confirmed. I was adamant that I wanted the office, especially when I found out what the rent was and it was much less than I thought it would be.
She said to be fair she would re-contact the interested parties and see where they stood and then let me know.
I thanked her and realized that I was ok no matter what happened.
Sure.
I wanted the office space, but really, having taken the action of just reaching out really felt good and positive.
Take action and let go of the results.
She got back the next afternoon.
I got the office!
Apparently my vigorous yes to taking the space swayed her and that I was ready to take on the space this month.
The lease is all drafted and dealt with–connected her to my agency and I get the key tomorrow!
I start with a client in the space next Monday.
I am using it for a client that had to cancel a standing session.
It was so nice to be able to offer the alternative space.
Then it gets crazy.
After the phone call with my new landlord I have my individual supervision and I excitedly share with my supervisor about the new office.
She is surprised and happy for me and adds that she knew I was interested in extra office hours but she didn’t realize how serious I was about it and would I also like to have Thursdays in the office?
HOLY SHIT.
My individual supervisor is also my landlord whom I sublet my office from, we share the office space. She recently became core faculty at CIIS, my alma mater (my current “mater” for that matter, my PhD intensive is two and a half weeks away!) and has cut back her office hours.
Whoa.
I knew that was happening and I had soft ball pitched wanting extra office hours about a month ago but it didn’t seem like it was going to happen.
Until it did.
She told me to think about it and let her know.
I clapped my hands in glee like a small child in front of birthday cupcakes and said “yes!”
And like that.
I have office hours now Monday-Saturday!
My hope is that once I fill up on clients I will actually be able to stop seeing clients on Saturdays. I need to right now, I see four clients and that’s a good chunk of change. But if I can fill up the weekdays I can transition out of working Saturdays.
I haven’t had a full weekend off in years.
Literally.
I have been working six days a week and going to school full time for the last three and a half years.
I am so ready to have my weekends back!
Granted.
I will likely be working on my PhD, but who cares!
Weekends.
And!
I have a potential new client for next Thursday.
That part about saying yes to the office and yes to the Universe, well apparently the Universe heard and I got four referrals yesterday from Psychology Today as well as a referral from my individual supervisor.
I made contact with three of them, leaving the others messages but not hearing back.
I did two phone consultations yesterday, immediately landing one new client.
I also did a phone consult tonight and again, landed the client!
I have another phone consult tomorrow early evening in between clients and feel very positive about it having already made good e-mail connection.
I am over the moon.
I now have 17 clients!
My goal is 30 and then I can stop nannying.
I am so close.
I can almost taste it.
My charges can too, the little lady tonight asked me when I was leaving and I knew it wasn’t about when I was leaving at the end of my shift.
I told her not for a while yet, she was probably going to get me for another five or six months and I was planning on always being in her life and that rest assured she was my favorite client.
She gets very jealous when leave to go see my clients, let me tell you.
My goal is six months tops.
I would love to be done by the end of the year, that has always been my original goal, but I figure I will just say six months from the first day I am in my additional office.
So by February 12th of 2020 I will be done being a nanny.
I still have a few weeks before school starts, but I am already doing just a little reading for this upcoming semester.
I said I wouldn’t touch school books until after my trip to Cuba.
I got back Tuesday night at 7a.m.
My god.
My bed was so nice to get into.
I love to travel, I really do, but there is nothing quite like your own bed.
Especially after sleeping 8 nights on a really hard mattress. I have to admit I was a little let down when I saw my room, but after doing a walking tour of old Havana with a local architect, I got over that shit.
My casa, in comparison to much around me, was really quite nice.
It is one thing to know about the Cuban embargo.
It is another thing entirely to experience it.
The country is poor.
I mean.
Really poor.
And dirty, the streets are disastrous, the cars are all old and there is no smog control, so much exhaust.
So much.
And not actually that many cars, lots of classics, yes, which was fun, I won’t lie, and super cool to see, but there were lots of horses and carts too.
Horses and carts people.
Traveling from Havana to Vinales one day for a trip to visit a tobacco and coffee farm, I counted more horses and carts than actual cars on the freeway.
ON THE FREAKING HIGHWAY.
More horses then cars.
I am not kidding.
These were some of the cars I got to see and go for rides in. I actually went for more rides in classic cars than regular cars, I didn’t actually take photos of them all.
Sometimes I don’t want to act like a tourist.
Even though I am totally a tourist, I just couldn’t really bring myself to pose on the cars, it didn’t feel like me.
I did, however, quite enjoy cruising around in them, especially when they had A/C.
It was fucking hot.
It was humid.
So humid.
My hair did some batshit crazy things.
And I was constantly sweating.
Er.
Glowing.
I was glowing.
A lot.
As you can see, I was “glowing” quite a bit.
I also learned to wear my hair up real fast.
Real fast.
And I was hella grateful that I had brought a travel umbrella.
I actually didn’t use it that much for rain.
There were some showers and one big storm, with hail!
But mostly, I used the umbrella for sun shade.
I was reminded a lot of Burning Man in that regard. I usually bring a parasol for the hot days out on playa.
In fact.
Havana reminded me a lot of Burning Man and in some ways having had the experience of going to the event was actually very handy.
I had to bring everything that I wanted or needed.
There were no stores to buy sunblock or extra toothpaste.
I had to use my water filter bottle or buy bottled water, there is no drinking water from the faucets.
Everyone buys bottled water.
Everyone.
It was really dirty, Old Havana is all cobblestone and dirt roads.
I mean.
500 year old cobblestones ain’t clean.
Plus add dogs, cats, and chickens to the mix, garbage, and potholes everywhere.
I’m super glad my friend who had been before cautioned me to wear really sturdy shoes and to bring anything that I might want because I was not going to be able to purchase it there.
I cannot tell you what it was like to see people queuing up for chicken, or to buy one bread roll.
The black market is a real thing there and I found out that I had participated without even knowing it by eating beef one night.
All beef is allocated to the government, restaurants are allowed to have it.
I had it and that means that it was bought on the black market.
Most of the time though I did stick with Cuban classics and I was quite happy with that.
My casa had breakfast every morning, fruit–usually a slice of watermelon, some papaya, 1/2 a banana and slices of mango with coffee followed by one egg and one slice of avocado.
No bread for me, which my host couldn’t quite understand, but I’m sure she was happy to have the extra roll I sent back each morning.
I dined in a lot of private restaurants, basically in people’s homes.
And I found a couple of cafes that became my haunts, Cafe Bohemia and Papa Ernesto.
Aside, Che Guevero’s given name is Ernesto.
This is Cafe Bohemia.
I was so happy to have Pellegrino and mango blended with ice, which they called frappes. I had a lot of mango.
A lot.
My poop turned orange.
I know.
But it did!
I have never had orange poo before.
Anyway.
The cafe was a life saver as too was Mas Habana.
A restaurant I never would have stumbled upon on my own as it was down a super dirty street with a lot of construction on it.
But I had made a reservation to do a tour of the houses in Old Havana and my host wanted to meet there.
It was a fucking oasis.
An air conditioned oasis.
I went back every day from that point on, either for lunch or for dinner.
On my last day I went there for both lunch and dinner.
I was the queen of beverages at every meal.
San Pellegrino.
Mango frappe.
Cafe con leche.
I had the same amazing appetizer each time, sometimes it was just my meal since I filled up on all the bevvies, tostones rellenos–stuffed fried plantains.
OOOOOH.
So damn good.
Mashed plantains made into patty’s, fried, and then topped with smashed avocado and a shrimp.
I was in heaven.
Mas Habana was my little haven.
And on my last night, I splurged and had lobster.
Also black market.
But, fuck it, it was my last night and I knew it was going to be good.
It was in fact, amazing, bathed in a beautiful garlic broth and shelled for me.
All I had to do was scoop it up in a spoon and sigh with delight.
The staff was great and my last night discounted my bill, “for being such a nice customer.”
I am a good tipper.
Once a waitress.
Always a waitress.
I had many more adventures, but I’ve got to get up early tomorrow.
So more pictures to come.
And more tales to tell.
I have a few more days before I need to knuckle back down for school, I promise I’ll show and tell a bit more before I get buried in the reading.
Here I am trying to hit my once a week mark for my blog.
So sad.
I remember when it was every day and the streak was a long one.
I am happy to have a few spare minutes today though and I had an experience over the weekend that I thought I’d like to post about.
It does pertain to my recent heartbreak and break up and my love and my loss.
I am still grieving, I suppose I will for a little while yet.
I’m trying to just be nice to myself about it and when the sad comes let it.
I have stayed very busy through the weekend, although yes, I did actually sleep in on Sunday.
I woke up at my normal time, 6:30a.m. and then again at 7:30a.m. and I almost got up at 7:30a.m. but I was having a rather lovely dream of being with him and I literally thought I heard his voice in my room, so I buried myself in my pillows and said, I’ll just sleep another half hour.
Was I surprised when I woke up at 9!
I think I needed the sleep though and I definitely felt tender about my situation, but also some space and some gratitude for the experience seemed to be working on my heart and I was happy that was happening.
If tender.
Very tender.
Sometimes I completely forget.
Then I see something and it’s all there, the last 22 months, the first six months, the laugher, all the conversations, all the sweet nothings (which meant everything) whispered in my ear.
All the amazing sex.
Fuck the sex was good.
But if it was just all about the sex it wouldn’t hurt the way it has and does.
He and I both acknowledged that many times over the last year when we were really trying to figure things it.
It was that we were also best friends and that is a huge loss.
My person I talk to every day I haven’t spoken to in eight days.
Eight.
It feels like a lifetime.
I can’t imagine going another eight.
Yet.
I figure that is just what is going to happen.
Day after day will go by and one day I won’t miss him.
And one day I will be with the person who fully wants to be with me, can meet my needs and doesn’t have anything holding him back.
I don’t know when that day is, I’m not looking forward to it, I just know it will come.
The day I forget to miss him.
That is really not now.
I get broken up watching crows right now.
There was a joke he told me once, it was rather dark and a bit grim and funny as fuck and he said something about “like a crow laughing at a funeral,” and I just got it stuck in my head.
Thing is.
I like crows.
They’re smart, clever, live in social groups (appropriately called “murders”) and they mate for life.
I was fond of us being crows symbolically.
And of course two freaking crows nest in the neighbor’s house at work.
I see them all the time.
I tell them to send him my love and let him know I miss him.
Desperately.
I’ll see two crows playing and swooping through the air and sort of lose it.
I have a little pile of love cards and notes that I was planning on sending him in the mail, that’s been a part of our courtship, letter writing, and now they just sit desolate and sad on my desk.
There is no one else I can send them to.
I thought about it, but he said no contact by mail too when we ended it.
There really is no contact.
I haven’t blocked him on my phone (I suppose I’m wanting a miracle of change to happen) but social media and internet we’ve had no contact and haven’t been in each other’s social stuff for a while.
I was thinking about him a lot on Friday and missing him and also feeling a little lost thinking about a new client I have.
A couple.
And how I was going to see them the next day and some things I wanted to bring into the session and then I had the voice of doom pipe up in my head.
“How can you be a good couples therapist if you can’t even stay in a relationship?”
Cue some deep sighs and teary eyes, although I didn’t shed any tears.
Instead I directed my attention to the assignment I needed to do for my Creative Arts in Leadership class.
Which was about making a mask of my inner leader after having listened to a guided meditation.
I won’t get into all the details but to say I was instructed to have a question for my inner leader and I decided to go for that one, being a couples therapist who had failed at love.
It took me a while to get into the meditation, partially because it required me to be still and I know me, when I am still the feelings come and sure enough there they were, all marshaled up ready to let me know how much I missed him and how sad I was.
Sigh.
But I got through it.
To sum up the mediation we walked through a woods and came to a clearing and there was a structure there (for me a cottage in the middle of a big wildflower meadow, with a round door and a chimney jutting from the roof and lead paned windows) that we had to approach–our inner leader was there.
Mine opened the door before I could knock.
A beautiful older woman in her mid-sixties, with long silver-grey hair in braids wearing a simple sleeveless cotton shift, her arms and torso covered in blue woad tattoos.
I crossed the threshold and handed her my heart, I didn’t know until that moment I had been carrying it through the woods in my hands.
It was blackened and ravaged by crows.
I asked her how could I possibly be a good couples therapist if I had lost my love?
She didn’t say anything, simply took my heart and held it up to her face with a gentle smile and kissed it.
At once it turned into a beautiful shining apple.
She handed me back the apple and indicated that I should eat it.
I did and instead of going into my stomach the apple went into the empty space where my heart had been.
It took root at once and an apple tree immediately sprang forth loaded with shimmering apples in the golden sun.
I realized that the gift of the pain was a gift of experience I could give back to others.
It was sublime.
It was surprising and I came out of it with a grace and softness that I had not had going in.
I sat down at my desk listened to some Johan Sebastian Bach Cello Sonatas and made my mask.
Then, as per my assignment instructions, I wrote in my journal about the experience.
As I was wrapping it up, the voice of my inner leader spoke up, “who wants a couples therapist who’s never had their heart-broken?”
I scrawled that down in my journal and I knew it was true.
My life experiences are gifts that I get to give to my clients.
They may not accept them, that is not for me to decide, but I can offer them my experience and I believe it is valuable beyond words.
Auntiebubba 