Posts Tagged ‘graffiti’

Little Gold Star

January 20, 2019

Today I got my 14th star tattoo.

14 stars.

14 years of being sober.

I decided I need to give myself a gold star.

It’s been that kind of year.

When I reflected on all the things that I went through and all the places I’ve been, I think that I definitely earned it.

This past year I traveled to DC, New York, Paris, and Marseilles.

I graduated with a Master’s degree in Psychology.

I went through a buy out and moved.

That was some serious stress let me tell you.

I also started a private practice therapy business.


A PhD program.

I also got my grades back from said program.

All “A”s.


I was a little surprised to tell you the truth, I had an issue with a final paper I turned in for one of my classes and I didn’t think it was going to fly, the paper, that is–I digressed from the specific instructions the professor gave and did rather what I wanted to do.  It was the only paper for the class, although there were so many discussion posts that I feel like I actually wrote seven papers for the class, and I ran a huge risk doing it.

The risk paid off.

So, yeah, a gold star felt really appropriate.

2019-01-19 20.54.20-2


It did hurt.

And it felt really right and I was, obviously, very happy with it.

Not only was I pleased with it, but it filled out the space perfect.  I am very satisfied with the way all my tattoos look and really have little desire to put anything else in that area.

Not sure where I’ll put the 15th, but let’s just let me focus on the 14th star.

It really was quite a year.

I walked through some really challenging things and came out the other side.

I reflected on a lot of that today as I went about my day.

I saw clients at my office, did lots of writing, read for one of my upcoming classes for this next semester (school starts next Thursday!), went to Let it Bleed on Polk Street, got an iced coffee for a treat, walked around the Tenderloin and took graffiti photographs, caught up with my friend DannyBoy at the shop, took myself out to lunch in Hayes Valley, had a coffee with a friend in the Mission at Maxfield’s House of Caffeine, went to Divisadero and got my nails done, and then hit my Saturday night commitment and did the deal.

It was a day.

I’m really happy with my life right now.

Oh, sure, romantically it’s strange, but you know, that will work itself out.

Or not.

I have ceased (fighting anyone or anything) trying to figure it out.

I’m just showing up every day and taking care of myself and I feel really good about what I did today for myself and my own care.

I also thought a lot about what I want to bring forward for this next year.

Get through the next semester of classes, add clients into my private practice, travel.

I also want to get through the Below Market Housing Homeowners workshop.

I really am going to go after buying a house in San Francisco.

My friend whom I met for coffee happens to be a realtor and we spent an hour going over what I need to do to get myself in line to actually do that.

She gave me a good idea of how much money I will need to have saved up, which will take some time (or not, who knows, money may fall out of the sky) to save, but I can do it.

Plus that I should get a credit card.

Which I’m not super stoked on the idea.

I had one that I’d gotten last year and then never used as it made me uncomfortable.


My friend insisted I was really going to need a credit history that showed me paying off a card.

She said get one, pay it off every month and always pay more than the minimum payment.

If I do get another card, and that’s an if, I will definitely not let a balance roll over.

I just do not like the idea of having any credit card debt.

I do, however, like the idea of having a good credit score and something that shows I am a good risk for a home loan.

I shall take it under advisement.

I actually tried to re-open the credit card I had closed but I could not figure out how to do it and just sort of set it aside tonight when I got home.

I feel like I did a lot today just by sitting down and talking about it.

I will manifest a house in San Francisco.

See if I don’t.

In the mean time there is plenty of other things for me to do.

I do want to keep a soft focus on it though, always have it in my mind and see where I can expand my awareness of abundance.

I am continuing to practice that opening up to the universe, to the flow, to God, to abundance, I have continued to give away a little more than I typically do.

More tip in the tip jar, more money in the basket, continuing to pay my bills within 24 hours of getting them.


Oh my gosh, this is definitely part of the gold star, I got approved to become an employee at my internship.

Which means that I will start bringing in more money.

I am so psyched about that.

I’m excited for this year.

I feel like all sorts of incredible things are going to happen.

I really do.


I like that.

Faith, abundance, joy, honesty, integrity, serenity.

Words to live by.

Principles to underpin my gold star.



Let me not forget that one.

Never forget that.



Letting Myself Get Excited

May 3, 2017

I think today it finally sunk in that I am really going to go to Paris soon.

Like I fly out next Thursday.

It has a lot to do with the being done with my papers.

It also has to do with clearing up some housing issues and having all my places situated.

One of the spots I’ll be staying in is actually a place I have stayed in before.

Mama Shelter.

I stayed there when the hotel first opened in 2007.

I got a stellar deal on it since it was new and in a somewhat, not now, but at the time, dodgy neighborhood.

But it was perfect for me.

It reminded me a lot of the area of the Mission that I lived in, dodgy, but charming, easy to navigate and really not a tourist spot.

A bit off the beaten track.

But a very lovely part of off the beaten track.

109 Rue Bagnolet.

It’s in the 20th arrondissement, predominately still a very working class neighborhood.

Not really central, but two, three blocks, five-minute walk to the Metro line 2 and near Pere LaChaise and my very favorite books store Le Merle Moqueuer.

There’s also Le Chat Noir, where I have done open mics, and Rue Denoyez which has some fantastic graffiti and mural art.  I mean there’s some fantastic artists in the 20th, I have a lot of photographs of murals and graffiti from my many walks through the area.

I’m only there one night, though, then staying with a friend in a more central location.

So I’ll get my gritty “real” Paris feel for my first night and rendezvous with my old haunts and cafes and libriaries  before heading toward central Paris for the rest of the trip.

I am so excited.

I was talking about my trip today with my therapist and how it came about and challenges I have had in the past with female friendships and how excited it was to have planned this trip with my French friend in the cohort, how happy I am to have her as a friend and how I have a tough time saying what I need in relationships with women.

I didn’t exactly have the best modeling around female relationships.

We talked about how important my friendships are and how I often feel a bit lonely, so many of my friends have moved out of San Francisco and I have said goodbye to many precious ladies.

I will say good-bye to more as the school year wraps up this weekend and I won’t see some faces until next fall.


Some faces I won’t see at all.

I am sad for that, I will be crushed when my dear friend moves back to Paris, but then again, what a fabulous excuse to get me to go back.

I assure you I will be visiting her a lot.

We have already tentatively talked about next May and I am sure there will be many other trips to Paris to see her sweet face.

And there will be this trip to Paris.

I decided to even let myself do the super uber touristy thing.

Something I have disdained from doing, but um, actually sort of want.

A Paris black zip hoodie.

My friend that I lived with in Paris had one and I secretly loved it but I couldn’t ever bring myself to buy one, somehow it just felt too hokey.

But I realize.

I want one.



Expect to see some photograph of me in the near future sporting a black, zip hoodie with Paris emblazoned across the chest.

Fuck it.

I’m only going to live once.

I have also gotten an idea of what I want for my Paris tattoo.


In script on my left forearm.

I definitely am not someone who conforms much.

Whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

I often find myself doing things differently.

I am also smitten with a monologue on the Bon Entendeur music app that I have on my phone which has actors speaking about moments in their lives, scripts, films, revealing moments, then it’s woven into the tracks, deep house, chill, electro, and one of my favorites that I have been listening to a lot is Astier, Anticonformisme.

The track list is so good.

Astier starts out talking, in French, about how his mother was always drawn to certain people, neither rich or poor, of a certain temperament, that tend to buck the system, to be artists, lovers, musicians, humans, and how he admired this trait in his mother and how she brought him up to appreciate the creative.

I love the monologue and the music is just so good, I’ve been listening to it a lot to have French in my head for the trip.

I will probably queue up Amelie as well as Je t’aime Paris, soon, they are sort of my go to movies to get my ears back into French.

I digress.

Back to my tattoo.

I just thought, what a fucking awesome idea for a tattoo, which is anti-conformist thing to do, getting a tattoo, and it speaks to me, speaks to me of my love for French house music and electro, of being an artist, of doing things outside the box.

I am pretty sure that’s what I am going to get, but I’ll leave it open.

I am going to get a tattoo though.

And yes.


My sweatshirt.

Hey, I live in the Outer Sunset, often a land of heavy chilly fogs, I need another hoodie.

I only have three.


Oh Paris.

All the things we shall do together.

I am counting down the days.

I am watching the weather forecast.

I am planning my outfits.

I am greedy for you, my love.

I shall be seeing you soon.






One More Day!

May 18, 2016

One more day of work.


Off to New York.

I have made some decisions regarding my trip.


I am not taking the subway to the Air BnB when I get into JFK at 10:30 p.m. at night.

I don’t feel like showing up to the place after midnight.

I’m going to get a car.

I am going to let myself not worry about navigating the trains, I’m going to let myself have a little experience, see the city from a car at night.

I think the view alone from a car will be worth the splurge.

I am also going with a good amount, obscene it feels like, of money.

I have saved all semester and I have a comfortable little cushion to let myself spend and the luxury of not being anxious about making the right train and transferring to the right line is well worth the cost of a car.

In fact, I’m also going to take a car to the airport when I return as well.

My flight back is way early, 7:30 a.m.

Which is awesome since with the time change it puts me at getting back to SFO around 9:30a.m. and I took the whole day off from work.

I’ll probably train it back to the house from SFO.

I’m hella comfortable with that commute.

But in New York, I’m going to let myself have the experience of not being anxious about train times and getting here to there.

I will take the subway while I’m there, I won’t be on a time frame, it’s loose and flexible.

I want to go to the MOMA, the Guggenheim, the Whitney, but if something comes up and I miss one of those because I am having some other grand adventure, than cool.

I’m going to be flexible.

I um, heh, want some souvenirs, because that’s how I roll.

And I did actually come up with a tattoo piece that I may go have checked out at Three Kings in Green Point.

If I can get it for a good price I will.

If it seems like it would take up too much time and energy then I won’t.

I do want a pair of earrings, or three, a bunch of notebooks, bunch of stickers, postcards from the museums I make it to and what ever the hell floats my boat.

I would love a sweatshirt and I always love getting a hat from the city I visit.

I don’t actually have the one I got there two years ago, I am not sure where it got off to, but I don’t have it.  I do have the one I got in Paris in 2007 and I love wearing it, I am always reminded of the street where I got it, the time of day, and how I just fell in love with it.

I’d like a good New York cabbie hat or fedora.

God damn.

I am excited.

Coffee galore, walking, oysters at a restaurant somewhere, photographs, graffiti, I want to make sure I bring my camera and rechargeable batteries.

I am also thinking about getting one of those brick recharger deals.

I drain a lot of juice on my Iphone when I take photos or when I use it to navigate anywhere.  And if for some reason I’m out and about in a part of town and don’t feel like subway back to Clinton Park, I’ll get a car and that means having my phone powered up.

I will be out on the town.

I will not be hanging at the Air BnB.

That is simply to have a place to sleep and do my blog at night.

I plan on being up and out and going the majority of the time and it would be handy to have an extra bit of juice for the phone.

I met with a lady this evening after work and told her about what I was doing and why and her whole face lit up.

“That’s like bucket list stuff for me,” she said her face glowing.

Girl, if I can do it, so can you.

So grateful that doing nice things for myself helps the women I work with give them the allowance to do the same things too.

Travel was such a dream for me when I was younger and I am so grateful that I am allowing myself more and more to embrace it.

I was writing this morning about where I want to go and things I want to do.

Take the Empire Builder Train Line.

Go to Paia, Maui–see the place where my grandmother was born.

Go to Burning Man in 2017 since I can’t go this year.

Go to Hudson, Wisconsin and see my best friend and her family.

Those are the tops on the list, but there are so many others.

I would love to go back to Alaska and really see it during the summer.

I still want to see Venice and go back to Rome for more than a weekend with more than the 50 Euro I went with.

I am still in awe how that happened.

Rome for 50 Euro.

Cape Town, South Africa.

Toulouse, France–I owe it an amends to be seen truly instead of the drunken, hung over stupor I did it the first time.

So many places.

And you know.

I’m going to go to all of them and more.

Because I am alive, I love myself and I am fucking awesome.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

But for a woman who came from where I did to be where I am at it is only by grace that I am here and I feel like I owe my God the happiness and joy I find in traveling.

It fills me up, it lights me up.

New places, new experiences.

New faces.

New art.


I can’t wait to just cram my face full of art.

I’ll have something to compare the new MOMA to when I get back.

I haven’t been to it yet, not having really had time to what with school and work.

But I will when I get back.

Especially since I won’t have to be doing homework every weekend.


I’ll also do some little trips around here.

Why the hell not?

Get on a train and see where I can take it.

Scooter down the coast.

Or up it.

I’m not sure about taking my scooter over the bridges, but I could see going around the coast  a little.

Oh summer vacation.

I am so happy to meet your acquaintance.

Feels funny to say that at the ripe old age of 43, but there it is.

One more day of work and then some play time for me.

I have so earned it.


So, So, So Close

May 15, 2016

I can taste it.

It tastes like Lacanian sherbert with Milly D. on top.

It sounds like Vagina Punk.

It swims in the electric blue seas of eros.

It is the Psych(e)dynamics paper.


It is all I have left to do.

I have finished my Ethics and Family Law take home final and sent it in.

I have finished my last paper for Applied Spirituality and sent it in.

I sent in my huge 11 page paper with references on transference and countertransference last night.

I have one paper left.


I can’t do it tonight.


I suppose I could.

I probably could spit something out in an hour and a half of so.

I know what I want to write on, although I may change my mind, I already discussed it with the professor, Mildred Dubitzky, my punk rock, radical feminist, pro-Freudian, professor, and she gave me the thumbs up.

The only fly in the ointment is that two years ago another student wrote on the same topic and I’m a little loathe to write on something she has already read about.


I may change my topic slightly, depending on my mood.

But, not tonight.


Tonight, the rest of the night, is not for going out or being crazy or trying to get across the bridge and hit the party at NIMBY, although I got umpteen requests and questions regarding whether or not I was going to go.

I turned them all down and said, not today, Ethics final has to get done.

I’m actually pretty fucking proud of myself today.

I got a lot of stuff done.

I got up and went to yoga.

Showered, breakfasted, coffee’d, did some writing.

Hopped on the scooter went up to 7th and Irving and hit Tart to Tart for some heart to heart with my person and some discussion of amends.

Amazing that.

I don’t owe anyone any direct amends.


Fuck yeah.

This shit works.

I, of course, will stay the course with the living amends that I have had outlined and really I am doing well with those and having fun, actually, who knew, amends could be fun.

Being light.

Letting myself have fun.

Even with all the school stuff hanging over me.

I have had my moments.

I also had a great hour of sitting with my fellows and hearing someone with a lot of time, a lot, 37 years, break it down.

So freaking grateful.

After that I treated myself to a little lunch and a new pair of silver hoop earrings.

Because this girl cannot get enough hoop earrings.

I will be buying some when I go to New York.

I always buy earrings when I travel.

I actually am wearing a pair of pink heart earrings that I got at a brocante (flea market) in Paris that was around Square D’Anvers, right before I left Paris three years ago this May.

I love wearing earrings that I have gotten as souvenirs, never fails to remind of the moment or the place where I got them.

I don’t spend a lot of money on them, typically no more than ten bucks or so and they are small and travel easily back with me from where ever I am.

I’ll be at 262 Taafe Place, fyi, in case you were wondering, in Brooklyn, in Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhood, which is not as gentrified as Williamsburg.

Which means a little sketchy but good vintage shops and coffee.

As long as I have coffee I’ll be fine.

And I’m not afraid of rough neighborhoods and I won’t look like a tourist in New York and I’m not staying in a place that tourist typically stay.

Ironically it’s maybe a mile away from where I stayed the last time, my first time, in New York, so I have a pretty good feel for what the area is like.

Dirty, bodega, bodega, subway stop, ooh coffee shop with house roasted beans, vintage store, bodgea, bodega, etc, and hopefully, some good graffiti.

God I love me some graffiti.

I could just do a walking tour of the neighborhoods and take photos of graffiti.

I would pee my pants if I saw a Banksy.

A girl can dream.

I have not done a ton of research yet around my trip, I’m still rather in the throes of school.

But I also got my grocery shopping done for the week and my cooking.

I had to grocery shop today.

Tomorrow will be a shit show out here what with it being Bay to Breakers idiocy.

Drunks running around in costume.


I’ll be too busy writing my paper to notice.

Or I’ll hang out in the back yard.



God, wouldn’t this be nice.

I get the paper done early.

I’m not going to make any promises.

But I should have it done by dinner time.

I really do believe that.

Most of my papers for the class I have gotten done under two hours.

Really what it comes down to is reviewing the reading and my notes and just sitting down to my computer and starting.

And now that I have the proper software to format my papers, thank you so much to my friend in cohort who turned me onto it (it format’s your paper automatically in APA so I don’t have to beat my head on the Purdue OWL or the Chicago format page), I won’t have to worry about references being wonky.

I really do think I’ll be done by dinner time.

What will I do to celebrate?

Run around the park naked?

Oh wait, every body else will be doing that tomorrow.

I’m going to New York, I am going to be celebrating there.

Although, you know, finishing my first year of grad school does deserve some instant recognition on the day I turn in my last paper for the year.

I’ll come up with something.

I’m clever.


God damn.

I’m excited.

I’m almost there.

It’s been a crazy ass year.

So much has happened.

I have changed so much.

So fucking much.

“You have changed,” she said to me, across the table at Tart to Tart, “you really have, it’s amazing to see.”

I smiled.

I have changed.

I am in awe.

I am amazed.

I am in love with my life.

Fuck yeah.

I really am.


The luckiest girl in the world.


Tastes Like Home

May 6, 2013


Oh the deliciousness of a minty clean mouth.

Or should I say, the clean and fresh taste of Arm & Hammer baking soda and peroxide toothpaste.

How I do love thee?

Let me count the ways.

I went a grocery shopping today.

A real grocery shop.

I went to Berkeley Bowl.

It was my first time at the Berkeley Bowl West; it’s the closest to the housesitting gig I am doing.  I spent about half of what I am being paid and could not have cared less.

Money well spent.

I got Almond milk and organic apples, Bengal Spice Tea, organic tomatoes, almond milk and coconut yogurt (vegan!), coconut body lotion, coconut lip balm, see a theme?  I got coconut hair conditioner too.

Here’s to my hair returning to pre-France state.

Although I will credit the French with my appealing messy topknot hairstyle, so in chic.  I believe because there is no other hairstyle that can capture my nest right now.  Hoping that a week or so of showering in good ol’ USA water will bring it back to its pre-France rat’s nest.

Yeah, I am a girl; my blog will occasionally have hair product references in it.  Get over it.  I also have glitter nail polish on my fingers.  I un-earthed my bucket of Burning Man cosmetics from the attic at Graceland.

No more hiding myself under a bushel.

Flowers in the hair and glitter on the toes.


I saw a nail salon today!  Manicure and pedicure and wax these scary eyebrows please.  And may it not be 100 Euro to do so.

It’s Oakland, so I doubt it.

I saw a lot today.

I was on my bicycle a lot.

I decided to test run the commute from Graceland to the nanny gig, which as it turns out will start tomorrow instead of Tuesday, they need extra coverage.  It was quicker than I had thought and the route is relatively flat, a few small inclines, but overall flat as a pancake.

I will have no problem riding my one speed fixed geared girl all over the place.

Total commute time?

45 minutes door to door.

Well, sort of, I did stop and take a photograph of my bicycle under”Oakland” graffiti.  I imagine I will stop and take more photos of the graffiti before I am done.  I have always been a fan of street art.

I took the ride calmly and stopped at all the lights and checked the directions a couple of times, Google maps you’re good, but you ain’t great.  And as I stated, the ride took approximately 45 minutes.

I bet I can shave off 5-10 after a few weeks ride and once I get used to it, it will go by like butter.  It will also be the exercise my body needs.  Burn more calories then walking and spend less money than riding BART.

I got to the housesitting gig happy to find a typed three-page letter of what to do when and the $200 in cash under a pound of Four Barrel coffee.

Thank you!

I am still a little miffed at the amount of work that covering the house and the dog and the cat will take over the next eleven days, but ultimately, it is the seed money I needed to get myself back in the game of living.

It got me toiletries and a new Kleen Kanteen—I’m going to need a good water bottle if I am going to be bicycling an hour and a half each day—and groceries to round out what is here in the house.

It is not super stocked with what I eat, but there was enough to get me started.

I had lunch with the pup sitting at my feet and the cat winding its way about my ankles on the back porch overlooking a well-groomed little back yard with strawberries growing in pots and fava beans spilling out of the garden bed.

I got in a nice walk thereafter and was tempted to walk the dog all the way to the grocery store, but after getting about halfway there she did what she needed to do and I thought, don’t push it, you may still have some jet lag to deal with and you will need your energy for the Junebug this evening.

I turned around, got my bike and road to the Bowl.

I must say it was love at first sight.

Albeit a bit overwhelming.

I had gotten used to the very limited selection of foodstuffs at the marches in Paris.

Why there was an aisle with just soy/rice/almond/coconut milks that could have been a market in Paris.  I just stood in front of it and smiled.

Nice to be home.

I think folks thought I was stoned.  I just wandered around with a dreamy smile plastered on my face and I walked quite slowly.  There was a lot to see and I was not used to taking in that much information again.  I did not even attempt to go through the bulk area.

I filled my hand basket—Japanese sweet potatoes!  Earth Balance, Yves Ground “beef”.  I am making a vegan chili on the morrow.  The house has a huge stock of dried beans and I haven’t cooked up a good chili in a while.  The weather has turned a little cooler so it does not seem that far fetched to do.

I had my first nectarine of the season.

I adore stone fruit.

It’s coming into season.

I am so happy to have California produce again, I cannot express.

I am not so happy to still be jetlagged.

Once again I thought it was beat, but it was not.

However, I believe I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  The last couple of days I was tired out around 4pm in the after noon, aka, 1am Paris time.  Today I made it past the 4pm mark until about 8pm.  Then I began to drag and droop.

Fortunately the Junebug, who I got to hang with this eve, was getting into the bath and would be shortly thereafter getting into the bed.

Bunk bed.

Love me a bunk bed.

I could have crawled into the top and dozed right off.

We had us a lovely night.  We sang silly songs and made up a secret language and practiced rhyming words.  We drew and colored and built a house out of multi-colored blocks.  We played kitchen and talked silly.

It was awesome.

And I am so beat I cannot write more or guarantee that this blog is even worth the read.  But as it is my practice I will just put it out there.

Even though the Internet is down and this may not post until morning.

Bonne nuit!

Uh, I mean good night.

Lily Pad House, Will You Marry Me?

December 16, 2011

This used to be my favorite graffiti in all of San Francisco.  It was on a wall on the front side of a Chinese Donut shop on Folsom and 16th.  It has been covered for years now with a crappy billboard that advertises what ever super bad movie schlock is going to be playing at the Metreon in 3D.  I miss it.

I had not thought about that particular graffiti in some time.  I used to admonish myself to take a photo graph of it and I never did.  I rued it the day I went past and saw the billboard had obliterated it.  It was in block sky blue letters on white paint.  I just adored it.

I imagined some one sitting on the Folsom 12 with his girlfriend pointing it out.

I saw another of my favorite San Francisco pieces of art this evening, though, that has not been changed, with the exception of some one re-wiring it for electricity–the Defenestration building at 6th and Howard.   It is the building that Academy of Science art students affixed various forms of furniture to crawling alongside the building.  There’s a mattress coming out a window, end tables, couches, chairs, scaling the sides of the wall.  And on the very top there is an old television set which just occasionally rolls through a screen test.

It was on tonight and I count it as good luck.

Things are shaking themselves out in my world.  I don’t know what exactly is happening, but I have the proverbial “pricking of my thumbs” happening.  My vision seems to be clearing.  I seem to be coming out of a fog.  I don’t know where I am yet and I don’t know where I am going to be, and the changes keep coming.  But I think I am at least getting used to the changes happening.

It is helpful that the cats are being taken care of.  My Burning Man family is taking them in for the month of January.  Hurrah!  I am so very grateful that my furry little monsters will have a home.  They are couch surfing in Berkeley and I will be couch surfing in Nob Hill.  And perhaps in the Castro for part of the month as well.  I’ll be getting my back packing through San Francisco experience on!

All my personal trappings are being dispersed throughout the Bay area.  I keep having the load lightened.  Before you know it I will be striped down to the essential Carmen.  There will just be me, my party dress, and my new shoes.  And a new haircut.

Calvin got me in on Saturday at Solid Gold Salon for a birthday present.  You got to love having a hair stylist as a good friend! I have no clue what he’s going to do, but I want to keep growing it out and I want to keep it feminine and pretty.  My curls are starting to come in and I really enjoy having them.  I also like the way my neck looks when I wear my hair “up”.  So far, up, means teeny tiny pig tails, but I have enough hair to pull them off.  Very exciting.

I am getting to see the city in a brand new light.  That is perhaps what is happening.  And my life as well.  Every thing is transitional.  No matter how much I try to hold onto something I am left again and again with the realization that things are constantly in flux and constantly changing.  I can attempt to establish a routine, I can try to get to know something, but it will change and be different and baffle me and astound me all at the same time.

I don’t know that I am articulating very well what I am seeing and feeling right now.  I feel like I am on the lid of a hurricane.  I am just on the outer ring of a wild wind pattern that is constantly swirling and that the epi-center is nigh and I am about to be sucked into another dimension.  I feel deja vu.  I feel flush.  I feel lucky.  I feel excited.  I feel like there are a nexus of possibilities right now.  I may “think” I have some grasp of what is going on, but I don’t.

I keep just trying to show up and do what is in front of me.  I keep getting smacked into the moment, despite my feeble attempts to roam off into the future.  Even the near future, like Saturday or Sunday, seem nebulous, as though a bit of wind stirred by a butterfly wing could change the very course of my life.  I feel like I have really begun to listen to my intuition and there is something prodding it, nudging me, trying to guide me and I am trying very hard, very hard to let go and just be guided.

I want to not struggle with it.  It does not mean that I am giving up.  I am just not struggling.  I am pausing and asking for direction.

The act of defenestration connotes the forcible or peremptory removal of an adversary, and the term is sometimes used in just that sense;[4] it also suggests breaking the windows in the process (de- also means removal). Although defenestrations can be fatal due to the height of the window through which a person is thrown or throws oneself or due to lacerations from broken glass, the act of defenestration need not carry the intent or result of death.

Thanks Wikipedia.

I think the adversary that is being removed, literally tossed out the window,  is my idea of who I am and what I am supposed to be.  How I am supposed to look, where I am supposed to live, and what I am supposed to do for a living.  All of these ideas have been taken away from me.  It is the death of my self.

I have crossed over a threshold.  I have said, I am no longer a nanny.  I am no longer interested in being single.  And I am going to do something different.

Now, I have been flailing around in the air as the shards of my life flash around me, but I have not actually gotten hurt.  And this dying, I feel like it is coming to a close.  I feel as though, yes I may be in free fall, but I am falling into something.  I am becoming something.

If you will bear with me, the phoenix is starting to stir in the ashes.

I do not know what it is that I am becoming as I continue to lose the trappings of what I think I am.  But it is almost here, I can feel it like breath warm on my neck.

And it is fabulous.

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