Nice Little Day

Yoga.

Writing.

Loads of writing, just my morning pages, but the last week was super busy with early starts every day at work–I worked seven hours of overtime last week at my nanny job, so I didn’t get to my morning writing every day (skipped one day completely) or I got just a half page or maybe a page in.

Today I wrote four pages.

It felt so good.

Nice breakfast.

Leisurely latte.

Laundry.

Little bit of grocery shopping.

Group supervision.

Group today was really small, so I got to do a super long check in and do work around three clients, I don’t typically get that much time, my group is usually six of us and sometimes I get maybe fifteen minutes, twenty max, today, loads of time.

It was really good and it was also a sweet group to be in today.

Lots of support around my clients.

And.

Oh.

So nice.

I had a number of clients cancel this week and next.

Normally I wouldn’t be too happy about so many clients cancelling, but since my solo supervisor is on vacation for the next two weeks I was looking at having to get extra coverage.

As it turns out with all my cancellations next week I won’t have to at all.

Thank God.

It’s not a huge deal, but I get a lot more from my solo supervisor than the woman I go to if he’s not available.

Not to say she doesn’t have value, it’s just different and the rapport is not as strong and well, I get more from working with my supervisor.

And frankly, it’s nice to have some time off next week from clients.

I will only have two sessions next week.

One client Tuesday evening and one client on Thursday.

That’s going to be a short week for me.

And then a four-day weekend.

I will enjoy that quite a bit.

After supervision today I went into the fray.

Yes.

I went downtown on the Saturday before Christmas.

It was lit.

But.

I knew where I was going and I had a plan.

I even found parking that wasn’t metered.

I usually try to duck into the lot behind the Mint, it’s infrequently open, but once in a while you can score.

I wasn’t able to, but I went around the block and on a hunch I turned down Jessie Street and there it was, a spot, no meter, and only a block and a half from the Sprint store.

Yup.

I went and got a new SIM card for my new Iphone 8 and it’s working great.

It took a few minutes, but that’s all I had to do was stand around and wait, the tech guy in the shop did it and I didn’t have to pay for anything, which was really nice.

Then.

Heh.

I went even further into the crazy.

But it felt a little exhilarating because I had a single destination point and a gift card to Sephora burning a hole in my pocket.

I left the Sprint Store on Mission, slid through the back door of Bloomingdale’s and strode right through the makeup and perfume counters, zipped through the Westfield Mall and zig zagged through the masses of people on Market Street.

The line for the cable car was crazy.

I went into Sephora and I did a swoop.

I pretty much knew what I wanted and went to the exact make up aisles I wanted to grab products from.

I’m a total lip gloss junkie.

I picked up one of the Sephora brand lip glosses that I use on the regular and three different shades of Anastasia of Beverly Hills–one bubble gum pink with high glitter, called Girly, I know, I know, I was totally channeling my thirteen year old adolescent self (even though I never wore makeup when I was a teenager, making up hard for lost time) and then a pretty Vintage Rose gloss and a subtle glitter called St. Tropez.

Yeah.

I know “subtle” glitter.

But it sort of is.

Heh.

I had enough left over on my gift card that I splurged on a box of pretty highlight illuminating powders.

Super pretty.

I love makeup.

I love dressing up.

I love that I looked super chic and urban in my all black leotard and boho black skirt and leggings, my hair up in a high messy French bun, and my rose velvet pink Tretorns.

I had a total moment of “I have arrived.”

Which is funny.

But.

There it is.

I had that moment.

I felt happy and light and airy walking out of the crowded store.

I did not have any issue with the crowds, I got back to my car, had plenty of time to sneak in a quick pop over to Whole Foods and pick up a couple staples and fill up my gas tank before heading over to the NOPA to get right with God.

That was great.

I made dinner plans with a friend for next Saturday, I got connected, I participated and it felt lovely.

Home and a hot bowl of chicken soup with brown rice, veggies, and Andouille sausage and folding all the laundry I did earlier.

A super sweet, chill, lovely little day.

Tomorrow should be much the same, relaxed, restful, happy.

I’m going to go to yoga again in the morning, have the same leisurely sort of morning I had today, meet with ladybug and roast a chicken.

I’m thinking I’ll go to the Inner Sunset and treat myself to a mani/pedi and some eyebrow waxing, a hot cafe au lait and maybe a book from Green Apple Books, pop into the spot on 7th and Irving and get right with God and call it a day.

I’m not worried about it being Christmas Eve, it’s just a lovely Sunday that I get to relax.

And Christmas.

Well, that will be chill too.

I’m going to go over to the East Bay in the afternoon and see a girlfriend and go to a movie matinée and get Chinese food.

Super simple.

And that’s it.

No pressure.

No expectations.

I’ve been given so much this holiday season.

I have nothing to ask for.

It’s been intense.

But it’s been a really lovely Christmas.

Anything else is just more sprinkles.

(or glitter)

On top of the frosting.

Of some very lovely cake.

 

I Can’t Quite Believe

That.

Tomorrow is my last day with the boys.

I only cried three times today.

Grateful for that.

I didn’t need to stuff my feelings.

It was a challenge.

I cried when I wasn’t expecting it.

I felt a bit blown out and a bit tired and a lot sad.

The boys also had great big screaming tantrums, so that was fun, albeit completely understandable.

The tantrums didn’t, of course, start until after we had gotten back to the house and I needed to get them ready for A Charlie Brown Christmas at the San Francisco Symphony.

I mean, really, sort of figured it would happen.

Just needed to have the monkeys fed and changed into their navy velvet blazers and bow ties by 1 p.m.

No biggie.

Except they were emotional too.

They know.

They know I’m going to be gone tomorrow.

That’s it.

No more nanny.

“Carmen, please visit us,” the older boy stopped, took my hand, tugged on it, as we rounded the corner from the park to the house, literally stopping me in my tracks as I pushed his brother in the stroller.

“________________, I’m right here, right now, with you, and,” I paused, reached down, hefted his 6.5 year old body up, great work out, being a nanny in case you’re ever wanting to switch careers, “I love you and I promise tomorrow is not the last time you will see, I promise.”

I had lifted him so that he was eye level with me, we rubbed noses, he wrapped his arms around me, and we just stood and hugged it out on the corner.

Oof.

It was like that all day.

The park was barely the park.

Mostly the park was both boys trying to sit in my lap at the same time.

They eventually did get up and play and run around and chase pigeons, but all they wanted to do was sit with me, on my lap, or leaned against me.

The youngest gets me the most, or at my heart the most, his small face this plate of silence and sadness.  He just oozes it, it breaks my heart to look at his face and every time, like, um now, fuck, I see his little face in my head, I just start crying.

Which is challenging to do when writing a blog, the screen gets blurry.

Ugh.

Oof.

I am super grateful I have the feels, it means the boys mean something to me and it’s important I grieve the loss and the moving on and yeah, I don’t know what tomorrow is going to be like but I did make sure to have plans to have dinner with a friend and maybe I’ll go get a mani/pedi afterward and just take it really sweet and easy.

I got a nice Christmas bonus.

Slight aside.

SERIOUS ADULTING.

I got my Christmas bonus yesterday and I couldn’t open the card until I had been home for hours, there was something daunting about it, and I realized later that I was loath to open it because it really would signal the end of days and I can’t quite seem to wrap my mind around not going in to work next week and seeing my little guys.

But.

I did open it and I was quite grateful for the gift, really.

And then.

I did the adulting.

The first thing I bought with my bonus?

Dental insurance.

Then I put a little in savings.

I met with my person after work today and she plunked the kleenex box down in front of me, “today the last day or tomorrow,” she asked.

“Tomorrow,” I said and reached for a tissue.

We had tea we talked all things recovery, it was really good.

Then she said, “that’s great about the dental insurance, that’s a beautiful gift to give yourself, but get something fun for you too.”

I took her suggestion.

It took me a hot minute though.

I was going to go book a massage and when I went they place was closed for the holidays!

Ugh.

So I went to Rainbow and bought some, for me, expensive body lotion I really like by Pure Organics and a Rau raw chocolate drink.

Then I pondered where I was going to go.

There was a little voice in my head that said, go home, hide, stick your head in the sand, get all isolated and shit, watch some videos and let the squirrels in your head run amok.

I was like, ooh yeah, I’ll catch up on Black Mirror.

But.

Well.

That sounds fucking depressing.

Jesus, Martines, that’s not a good idea.

I just about laughed out loud.

So.

I rode my scooter over to the Inner Sunset and I made myself park close to a spot that would pretty much guarantee me doing the deal, then I went and cashed my Christmas bonus check and went to Green Apple Books.

I had not bought anything when I was there the other day, I was just browsing to kill time until I met my date at Park Chow.

This time I let myself buy.

God  damn do I love buying books.

And pleasure books, oh lord, I get to do some pleasure reading.

Not much, just a week, so what ever I knock through between now and New Years is what I get.  Maybe even a little less, I’m going to need to order my books for the upcoming semester sooner than I realize, I know it.  But.  I’ll have seven days of freedom, I think, where I can read.

I bought three books.

The new Don DeLillo, Zero K.

Cormac McCarthy, Child of God.

And.

Irvine Welsh, The Bedroom Secrets of The Master Chefs.

I’m drooling just typing out the names and looking at them on top of my stack of notebooks makes me very happy.

After I had satiated my book desires I went to dinner.

I treated myself to Marnee Thai and fuck am I glad I did, it was awesome.  I took the suggestion of the waitress and had a red curry with duck and plantains and brown rice.

Swoon.

It was good.

A bit pricier than I would have typically spent at my little secret spot out here in my hood, but Thai Cottage is closed for the next few weeks for the holidays and I smelled goodness wafting from the restaurant when I passed it on the way to the bookstore.

My nose knew.

After the dinner I still had some time and I popped into Ambiance.

And yes.

l bought myself a pretty dress for New Year’s Eve and decided that I would commit to going to a New Year’s Eve party some friends of mine are throwing in the Mission.

Yup.

I’ll be going stag to a New Year’s Eve party, and I don’t fucking care, I’m going to dance and wear platforms and my new dress and be pretty and not give a damn about being single, because I’m allowed to have fun and be happy.

I don’t need to be partnered up on the holidays.

That’s not worked out so well for me the last few years.

Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, not well at all.

No.

And tomorrow.

Well.

It will be here soon and I’m sure I will have all the feels about it and just breathe in and out and hug my boys tight and smell the napes of their necks and kiss their faces and it will be alright.

It will.

I am lucky to get this opportunity.

I am literally paid to love.

Not a bad job if you can get it.

Seriously.

 

Fashionably Late

Smelling like candy.

“You always smell so good,” she said to me last night as I gave her a hug good night after a brief check in about when we were going to be meeting this weekend.

“You smell like candy.”

“Good,” I replied, “I’ve got a date.”

And like that.

I smelled like sex and candy.

Just in case you were wondering where I was last night.

Ahem.

Procrastinating the inevitable work that I need to do for school but having fun.

I finally get what people have been trying to tell me for so long.

Date a bunch of guys, don’t focus on one, have fun, and it’s interviewing for possible dates.

I had a nice time, it was a sweet experience, and at times a bit telling on our age difference, I wanted to pinch his cheeks at one point and tell him how cute he was, but that probably wouldn’t have been too sexy for him.

“You had me at ‘I can cook’,” he said kissing me and throwing me down on my bed.

And later.

“You are wild,” he said with a gleam in his eye.

Nah.

I’m just me.

I’m exuberant.

But I suppose for some people that looks like wild.

I like to have fun, safe fun, I’m not stupid, about my space, my heart, or my body, I’m clearly delineating certain things from certain places.

“That really surprises me!” She said tonight, “I mean, I thought guys asked you out all the time.”

“Not in the rooms,” I said, “in fact, I have been only asked out once in eleven years.”

And I said yes.

Just in case you were wondering.

But I don’t muck about in the rooms.

I don’t.

I would love to, but I just don’t want to sully the waters that make me well.

That being said, it is with my utmost fervent hope that I will be one day in a committed, sober, monogamous, fun, sexy, creative, hella happy, recovered romantic relationship.

Which does sort of mean being available to that energy and engaging with guys in my community.

But not getting laid there, I don’t want to be casual with any one in that way.

Unless they’re not in my regular sphere, yo over in Oakland, we might hit it, you know.

I’m being a bit flip, but I hold dear certain places and spaces.

Of course, I have monkeyed around, who hasn’t?

It can be like shooting fish in a barrel, but like I have heard often, “the odds are good, but the goods are odd.”

Ain’t that the truth.

“I think I’m just a big personality and I can come across as too much and I’m a strong woman,” I told the woman I was speaking with tonight.

I went to an awesome fundraiser, basically a rent party, for a place I frequent and heard a dear friend play an amazing set with some other friends.

They were outstanding.

Tom S. & The 5150’s.

Got to fucking love that.

They played “Little Red Corvette” as an encore and I started to cry.

There were more than a few wet faces in the audiences and we all shamelessly sang along to the song.

Then there was some dancing, a little MoTown dj action and I got my groove on, despite, or perhaps because I have been looking at what I need to do for school and I really didn’t do anything school related today.

I got up late, since, I er, went to bed late, heh, but I did get up in time to go to a 10:30 a.m. yoga class, I showered, did laundry, wrote, and tidied up, I had a phone call over coffee with a suitor–we have a date for next Saturday–and then I decided to go and get my nails done and take myself out for lunch.

Which led to me being in Green Apple Books and did I just spend another hour and a half not reading for school, but reading for pleasure?

Oops.

My bad.

I couldn’t help it though.

I am such a sucker for a good book store.

Then I went to do the deal and I ran into a bunch of folks and the next thing you know I’m at this rent party and singing with the band and dancing and holy mother, it’s 9:30 p.m. I haven’t been home all day, I need to do grocery shopping, I haven’t had dinner, and um, school work, um, ha.

Oh well.

I am actually really happy I let my hair down for a while and reconnected with friends I haven’t seen in a while and chatted and just had some social interaction, that wasn’t dating, and was fun and silly and chill.

I’ve got yoga in the morning, two ladies back to back, food prep to do for the week, and yes, I did do it, I have a coffee date and a walk on the beach for the afternoon.

When am I going to do school work?

Fuck if I know.

But I promise.

It will get done.

And I will keep letting myself have fun, as long as I’m taking good self-care.

If I was missing out on doing the deal or not meeting with my ladies or checking in with my people, then I would not be doing the dating thing.

And when I feel like I have to knuckle down and do the school work, I will do that.

I already know I ain’t doing shit next Sunday but writing a big paper and reading a lot.

I don’t have any dates planned for the week, just yoga and doing the deal, and of course working, I will get reading done every day before work.

And my stupid, annoying, perpetually obnoxious Applied Spirituality post will get in there too.  God I can’t stand this class, drives me bats, I’m already so spiritual yo, you can’t even realize, why I got to write a paper on it?

At least I know what I will be writing, the yoga continues to be a very mind expanding and heart opening experience.

As well as a fan-fucking-tastic work out, I broke a sweat today like no body’s business.

Life.

It is so good.

So real.

So full of fun.

I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Believe it.

Brain Exploding

I just got sucked into the vortex of online scholarship applications.

I managed to apply for two.

Not bad out of the thousand it seems I am qualified for.

I did the easiest ones too.

I had to set up a profile and wade through some gunk, but I used the site that CIIS recommended when I went to the open house and sat through the informative talk with the financial aid advisor there.

I tried to access my online financial aid account on the schools website today and no dice, nothing’s been posted yet.

Then I recalled that I did have that scholarship webpage saved in my phone and one thing led to another and I’m not sure but I think I was on the site for an hour.

My brain is mush.

Sometimes being online actually seems to make me stupid.

I didn’t want to go online at all today.

I felt that I needed a break after the getting of the new computer, the trying to transfer information and the just general malaise that spending too much time on the inter webs can do to me.

The internet, social media, et al, sometimes I feel, fosters a sense of dislocation within my person.

I’m connected, but I’m not really connected.

Yes, I ‘liked’ you or your status or your photo, geez, I may have even gone so far as to post a comment on your pretty picture; but did I talk to you?

Nope.

Did talk to a whole lot of people today?

Nope.

I did some.

I wasn’t completely isolated.

I got up, did my morning deal and headed up to the Inner Sunset on my bicycle, a fast, quick, and relatively brisk ride–the temperatures dropped today and the wind was kicky.

I sat for my hour, shared my share, did my thing, said some how are you’s, accepted and gave a hug, then went to meet my person at Tart to Tart.

Where I got to do some reading and some checking in and see that I am still a crazy lady, even with solution under my belt, sometimes the crazy just comes by and whacks me on my ass.

I was given some instructions and some suggestions and believe you me, I took them.

Then I did a little eating out and a little shopping.

My eating out was uninspired, let me tell you, and after all the foo foo haha in my head and my little world over my diet and nutrients and what I am getting and not getting enough of, if I spend the money to eat out it better be better than this was.

I went to the Crepevine and I have to say the increase in price and the decrease in portion was not cool, or that instead of salad (I don’t eat the potatoes or the toast there) I requested with my scramble, I got some sad wilted looking lettuce leaves with no dressing on them.  I was almost tempted to hand back the plate, second time in recent history with them that my food has been so lack luster.

But hunger got the best of me and I ate.

But made a large note to self, in the future go around the corner to Park Chow or Pacific Catch, spend a tiny bit more and enjoy your food.

That has been the major uptake for me in all this dietary stuff.

I really do want to enjoy every bit I put in my mouth, especially since I am restricted by my health needs to certain foods and avoidance of others.

With that in mind I did my afternoon grocery shopping.

But not before I did my afternoon book shopping.

Ah.

Thank you so much Green Apple Books for opening a store in the Inner Sunset.

That was my one beef with the neighborhood when I moved out to the Sunset, no good bookstores.

I am not sure how much time I spent browsing through the racks, but it was good and I got a new book, Funny Girl, by Nick Hornby (About a Boy) and when I did get back from the grocery shopping I sat down and read a good fair bit of it.

I was going to do more shopping, clothes, thrifting, shoes, but I just didn’t have it in me.

The weather turned cooler and the wind picked up more and I found myself just wanting to get back to my little space by the sea.

I did manage a quick run to the grocery store, but even then it was truncated.

Sometimes I just don’t feel like shopping, even grocery shopping can become overwhelming.

But since I had such a lack luster lunch I wanted to have a really nice dinner.

I treated myself, before finding out my cholesterol was high, to a steak from Whole Foods earlier this week, and despite my doctor’s admonishment to cut back on meat products, I ate that steak right up.

I’m anemic too and I figure the anemia needs addressing first and foremost.

I’ve been doubling my iron supplement and eating kale like it’s going out of style.

The cholesterol I suspect is hereditary and as such, I’m not too worried about it, I do eat so very well and I don’t eat a lot of meat or animal products, I don’t drink milk, I don’t eat butter, I don’t have cheese, except some low-fat string cheese, I eat a boiled egg a day in the morning for some protein, really, I do have a great diet.

Tonight though, as I said, a little splurge, a nice piece of steak, rare, rare, rare, some seared brussels sprouts (in olive oil, mind you) and sautéed brown mushrooms with garlic, a small salad of heirloom tomato and avocado, and a little bit of brown rice.

Happy tummy.

Helped me get through the scholarship applications.

I will, I am sure do more, but I just petered out and when I realized how long I been in the hole of internet browsing and clicking and nodding out, I had to pull back and stop.

I made some tea, I am decided to get to my blog a little early and I will probably watch a little video and relax the rest of the night.

It’s a mellow Saturday and I’m ok with that.

I don’t have to be non-stop go all the time.

I won’t have any energy left to apply for tuition money then.

Just kidding.

Sort of.