Posts Tagged ‘Harper Paige’

Surreal

July 15, 2017

Having a Friday off.

It didn’t feel like a Friday.

My mind was confused and wobbly.

My phone has been working oddly, text not ringing through, missed phone calls.

Sleeping in.

I mean.

For me.

Really sleeping in.

Although I awoke, as per usual in the early morning the sun light muffled and opalescent in the fog which reflects back this brightness that is at once soft and dull and too bright to sleep.

I got up and used the bathroom and crawled back into bed.

I looked at my phone.

Too early.

I have hours, literally hours before I need to be awake.

I lay for a while running through my day.

Shhh.

Stop it brain.

Let it go.

Don’t make all your plans right now.

You don’t need to be anywhere but back asleep.

There was a moment when I almost just got up.

Then.

Miraculous miracle.

I feel back asleep.

And I slept for another hour and 45 minutes!

I was shocked.

I hopped out of bed and took a super hot shower.

I pulled up my hair.

No need to wash it when I am going to be getting it done, I mean, that would be ridiculous.

And I did get it done.

I am very happy with it, even though the blow out doesn’t suit my true self, it’s just a little too polished, a little too sleek and slippery, not my real curly textured hair.

But.

I always get the blow out.

It feels so luxurious to have someone spend that much time on my hair, the gentle heat and the round brush and I just close my eyes and drift off.

My colorist did a beautiful job on my hair and no more blond highlights, all back to a nice dark chocolate-brown.

Of course my natural color is not quite as dark as she took it, but the color fades after a wash or two and then my softer highlights begin to show through.

And.

Yes.

The grays too.

They are there, springing up at my temples, in the part on my head, streaks of silver.

At lest they are silver and not grey.

They are pretty little glints in my hair, and really, I have nothing to complain about.

I mean.

I am 44 after all.

It is pretty standard for women to be greying far earlier than 44.

I have good genetics but nature does march on and I have noticed them more in my hair and I am not upset by them, just curious to see how they come in.

Almost as I am with the fine web of lines around my eyes that I see more and more when I smile.

“You are such a friendly person,” the mom I work for said to me yesterday.

We were talking about how security is at airports and how she’s been stopped and what it was like and how I have been stopped and what that was like and that it will tend to happen more for me if I am showing a lot of tattoos.

I told her I forget often times that I have tattoos, even when I am currently thinking of getting another on my right forearm and having the one on my left forearm, the one I got in Paris, touched up (as it will be difficult to take time out of my schedule and hop a plane and go back to Paris to get it touched up), that I will not realize until someone says something or stares.

“You have such a big smile,” she continued, “no one notices the tattoos so much as the smile.”

Such a nice thing to hear.

And from an employer.

I am grateful, so grateful for my employer.

I am also grateful to have some time off.

I’ll be doing a few more yoga classes during the week days.

I will find my playa bike for Burning Man.

I won’t be mail ordering it, haha, not after the last one got stolen.

I will probably also source my Aids LifeCycle bicycle, I have a couple of leads and am going to be pursuing checking them out.

I will be hitting the Imperial Day Spa with a girlfriend tomorrow after my internship, she’s been sick and asked for some hang out time and suggested the spa for an afternoon of detoxing with a good hard sweat and some cold plunge action.

Of course I said yes.

I’ll be going to my internship tomorrow, as per usual and doing laundry at the laundry mat, the washer hasn’t been replaced yet here at the house.

And I’ll go to my 7p.m. commitment on Divisadero.

It’s a good day.

Sunday will be similar to most of my Sundays–yoga, self-care, grocery shopping, meeting with a lady and doing the deal, going to a church somewhere and sitting in a folding chair, cooking some food for the week, writing.

And it will be chill.

As I still have my supervisor meeting at 9a.m. at Fell and Gough on Monday morning.

But.

Instead of going to work afterward like I typically do on a Monday.

I will be going to the MOMA with an old friend who I don’t get to see very often.

I ran into her a couple of weeks ago and we discussed getting together and we both love museums and I have a MOMA membership.

I love that  membership.

It is such a nice thing to do, go wander around and look at art, and to do it with a friend is so nice.

Especially one whom I used to see on a weekly basis and now don’t see for months at a time.

I’ve suggested a MOMA date to a lot of my friends as I slowly start mapping out the time that I have off.

I don’t know what the middle of the afternoon will look like as I still have my internship in the evening at 6:30p.m.

I am sure I will find something to do.

It is odd having the time off from work, like I said, being downtown today on a Friday, getting my hair done, I was all confused and distracted by the amount of business people out and the rushing here and there and the traffic, but it was so nice to sit still and be taken care of for a little while.

I’m going to leave it there.

It was such a lovely day off.

Divine really.

I am excited for more of such days.

And grateful for every moment of this one.

Every single moment.

Foiled!

July 14, 2017

But not really.

I mean.

Yes, I am a bit disappointed that the Friday 8:30 a.m. yoga class I was going to hit up was cancelled.

Boo hiss.

But.

On the other hand.

I get to sleep in!

Yes!

Especially after a full week and a very, very, very full day today.

It was a good day, but it certainly had some big pockets of anxiety.

Not mine either.

The family I nanny for left today for three weeks.

THREE!

Oh my God am I so excited to have some down time.

I actually.

Wait for it.

I have the whole day off tomorrow!

The whole fucking day.

Can you tell I’m excited?

Like.

Over the god damn moon.

No clients.

No internship.

No paperwork.

Not as though they didn’t try.

Ugh.

I had an e-mail today that I wasn’t paying much attention to as I was busy helping the parents get ready for their trip.

I had to do a lot of monkey wrangling today and the monkeys did not want to be wrangled.

When I showed up the oldest boy was already in his travel clothes with his back pack on his back.

Oh dear.

They didn’t leave for the airport until 4p.m. today.

It was 9a.m. when I showed up for work.

Sigh.

I could tell it was going to be a challenge, but I was game for what was happening, although I thought I might lose it when the two oldest siblings just about killed each other at the playground.

They are really physical kids and sometimes I think they go at it a little too hard, somebody gets too aggressive, somebody pokes too hard, or pulls hair or bites and all hell breaks lose the the sister goes bananas.

I mean.

The lady can howl bloody murder.

I also know when she’s faking for attention, so there’s that, but like, the rest of the playground doesn’t know that, she sounds like she’s dying but it’s just dramatics.

I let it go as long as I can, hoping they will work it out and once in a while I do have to intervene.

And of course, though it was pulling teeth to get them to the playground, when it was actually time to rally and go back up the hill, we were at the Noe Valley Rec Center, they didn’t want to go home.

Haha.

Ah.

Nanny life.

They did get home though, and by the time I got them across the MUNI tracks at the end of Church Street and heading up the hill on Chenery, they started to get excited.

So too, did I.

I could see the end of my shift in sight and though I was going to have some down time in between my client that I saw tonight and the end of my shift, I was happy that my shift was about over.

It did seem like an extra long day.

Just the anticipation and the anxiety and the double and triple checking the passports and visas and id’s and snacks and last minute laundry, and cleaning out the fridge (I was given three pounds of asparagus as a parting gift and two avocados that hadn’t been eaten.  What the hell am I going to do with that much asparagus?  Soup maybe.) and getting the keys to the house and making sure I had an extra set of car keys if there was an emergency and also co-ordinating the cars and the all of it.

It was a lot.

So yeah.

Four o’clock and I was able to zoom out.

I got a check for the overtime I worked this week.

Yeah.

Overtime.

And I’m interning, but whatever I got to make it through and yes, I am a bit disappointed about the lack of yoga but the additional sleep in time will be nice.

The time I had in between work and my client this evening was spent running errands, post office, zip home, drop off package, collect mail, tidy house, clean bathroom, masturbate, ahem, I needed to de-stress after I sat down and checked my e-mails.

They booked me a client for tomorrow!

NO!!!

I said no clients.

I wanted to have this one fucking Friday free.

What the hell?

I was upset.

I have plans.

I thought about contacting the person I am seeing tomorrow and saying, well, shoot, sorry, I got a client, but then I saw it was a consult and I was like, no, this is bullshit, I marked the calendar clearly and I do not want to take a consult tomorrow.

NO.

I started an e-mail and then I was like, why the hell am I fucking around.

Call my assistant director.

I did.

We cleared it up.

I have tomorrow off.

Which is fucking good since I’m getting my hair done.

Cut and color and a blow out.

Please and thank you.

I laughed with the mom today when she asked if I was doing anything fun, besides working at my internship while they were on vacation.  And I told her I was going to a ritzy upscale salon downtown to get my hair did.

I always feel a bit out of place there, so many ashy blondes with razor cut layers, so much money, the atmosphere is very white, upscale, wealthy, which is fine, I just feel a little out of place, although I like to play like I have money and I hazard I tip better than the majority of the clients, much better.

The cut and color will still be a pretty fucking penny, but I don’t care, hello student loan summer disbursement.

Thanks overtime check from this week and last week.

I got the cash and I deserve to be a little spoiled.

Anyway.

I do like Harper Paige (good grief even the name sounds like ash highlights and toner), I get a sassy cup of coffee, fashion magazines, and the prettiest smock I’ve ever worn getting a hair cut.

And.

I know the colorist.

I have known her for over twelve years and she’s amazing and probably has as many tattoos as I do and we have a lot of mutual friends in common, I mean a lot.

So.

She’s the reason why I’m “slumming” at a fancy pants salon down town.

I’m even going to skip taking my scooter and splurge on a car.

Get all dressed up, wear some stockings, put on some heels and a pretty frock and really play the part, you know, tattoos be damned, I can look hella polished and femme when I want to.

I’m so excited.

It feels nice to take the time and let myself be properly pampered.

I may even book a massage over the next couple of weeks.

I have a tentative MOMA date with a girlfriend Monday after I meet with my supervisor and some lunch dates and coffee dates with friends lined up.

Nothing solid yet, but I’m going to enjoy my time “off” so much.

I’ll still be taking clients.

Just not tomorrow.

Heh.

Here’s to a very well deserved day off.

I mean.

Seriously.

Luckiest girl in the world.

Deeper Shade Of Happy

March 24, 2016

I am so happy.

Maybe it is the full moon.

Oh.

Did you see the moon?

Creamy, golden, a flat dinner plate of finest china wiped with soft butter and flipped up into the deep indigo sky, the last kiss of sunset gloaming over the west and the wet slick shine of color over the the black sea slathered in shine and shimmer.

Normally when I am in this part of my cycle I am upset, tender, vulnerable, emotional.

I am all those things and yet.

Happy.

So happy it almost scares me with the intensity.

I am a feeling type creature.

I feel the world in my body, the sun, the stars, the shadows of old light, the mittens forlorn in the lost and found box, the laugh of a child sliding down a twirly slide scattered with sand, faster than fast.

I am alive.

I AM SO GLORIOUS AND ALIVE.

No.

I am not high.

Ha.

Just full.

Full of life, of joy, of fucking health.

Jesus fucking Christ on a raft,  I have no idea sometimes how sick I am until I am not so sick any more.

The cold kicked my ass for the better part of ten days and it’s almost gone.

I can still feel a hitch of it in my body and by the end of the day today with the boys I was in husky voice mode as though I had snuck a pack of silk cut Nat Sherman’s at the playground and chained smoked them under the bougainvillea, blooming deep bloody purple, in the corner of the Mission Playground.

But I did not.

No.

Just the last kick of this cold.

I actually felt so much better today that I was able to get done a bunch of stuff that I had been putting off without even realizing I was putting it off.

I have felt a bit muffled in my head and I just had no real awareness of how under functioning I have been.

I got hella shit done before work today.

Reading for school.

Appointment for some Apple Care help regarding my hard drive, a question about my back up external hard drive I just used this weekend and also some help downloading and opening up the APA formatting software my friend in the cohort has lovingly lent me the use as one of her free downloads.

Plus I got myself an appointment to see the fabulousness that is my new hair colorist over at Harper Paige for this Saturday.

I wasn’t expecting to get in until next month and wouldn’t you know, they’ve got an opening this Saturday.

Hell yes.

I also connected with a friend who I haven’t seen in years, aside from social media, who is now in the process of setting up her own private practice therapy business in downtown SF and who just happened to be in the same program that I am in currently at CIIS.

We are going to catch up and have coffee on the next Sunday of my next weekend of classes.

I got a good picture in my head of what I need to do this week for school and for the upcoming weekends, and yes, good old Dubitzky, she dropped the bomb late last night and I got the e-mail that yes, I do have a third paper that I will have to do for the next weekend of classes.

But.

As I was explaining to a dear friend of mine tonight I’m doing better with school this semester for any number of reasons, I’m used to it, I know what I have to do, I also know when I can be flexible and go have fun, like, um, ha, this weekend.

Yeah.

I have a date on Friday.

Movie night.

I haven’t been on a movie date in a while.

Excited and a little nervous.

Anywho.

That’s another story for another blog.

School is being handled and it was handled well this morning.

Happy to be making progress and feeling reconnected to the material as I pick it up and keep assimilating it into my life and work and the next word in the story of Carmen.

The Carmen Show.

Ha.

I also purchased my first Burning Man buy today.

I must have felt it in the atmosphere.

For I certainly forgot about it.

Today was the day the tickets went on sale.

And of course.

Sold out.

I didn’t think about it because I already have my ticket, my job, my camp.

And check it out!

The friend who I was chatting with tonight, his kid works the same camp.

Just made me laugh, I had this strange feeling, and when I asked, he confirmed.

The Universe is so small.

Burning Man.

How I do love thee.

Let me count the ways.

Or say them with ruckus and abandon.

I walked into my spot tonight, doing the deal, and saw a lot of awesome familiar faces.

And.

Holy shit.

My Burning Man crush from 9 years ago!

Oh my God.

“That night, that was the, the best, night, riding around in the back of that truck, the hot springs, that was just the really, the best, might have been my best night ever at Burning Man.”

Yeah.

It was a good night, I remember sitting in the back truck bed and the stars, oh the stars when there is not much light yet on playa, especially away from the event area, and oh God, how I was just blown over by this guy sitting next to me,  I had such a flaming hot indelible crush on this man.

The night, the next year, after having run into each other randomly at the Commissary, we spent the entire dinner hour talking, until literally, we were the only ones in the tent, even the kitchen workers had left.

I always run into him randomly somewhere out there on the playa, somewhere in the dust and the melee and we reconnect and there are hugs and smiles and my heart shines up at him and then.

I walk away.

He’s never been interested.

Some men just are not.

There is a friendship, a bond, a longing, on my side, but that longing, despite it being there tonight, I was able to just hold it soft in my hand, a kite string.

My heart, floating away, the tail tied with ribbons and flowers.

I was uplifted with love and surprise to see him there.

He’s moved back to the city.

And we exchanged numbers.

I don’t have expectations and despite wanting, for a moment, then, I held that heart string, and let the pull of it tense in my hand, but not fly off, I just let it pull me a moment towards that desire, “hey, I should just tell him and get it over with.”

Ah.

Um.

Yeah.

No.

That’s my thing.

And I don’t want to do that.

I would rather tie that heart string kite to the full moon and let it drag me around the world then to keep on that unrequited love road.

If the man was ever interested in my romantically he would have pursued it the ample times we have connected at the event.

Instead.

I got asked to help another woman out.

We exchanged numbers and we’re going to meet this Sunday.

Have some tea, read a little, get right with God.

I know how this works.

And instead of being upset that I was glowing over a man and not the woman, I just can acknowledge with joy and wonder that my God lit me up to shine like a beacon.

Not to attract a date.

But to help out another woman who needed to see some sparkle tonight and now that there is abundance and joy and love for the taking.

I think this is what they mean when they say God will take away your defects of character when they don’t help another person anymore.

That woman did not have any clue that I was enflamed for the man sitting next to her.

She just saw and heard someone that had something she wanted.

She touched my arm, “thank you for what you said.”

I have no fucking clue what I said.

I just felt incandescent with it.

Alive.

Aflame.

Happy.

I don’t have to know the reason why.

I can just enjoy this moment and the deepening.

The opening of my heart.

The daisy sprouting there.

Growing toward the sun.

Love.

Love.

This day.

Right now.

Fly your kite.

Mend your heart to the moon and take all the brilliance with you forward into the next day.

The poetic smash of words in my mouth.

The song of smoked salt on my lips.

The sun shining, even on the other side of the world, onto that full moon face.

And right.

Straight.

Deep.

Into.

My.

Heart.

There.

Yes, there.

Love.


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