Posts Tagged ‘having fun’

That Was Fun

March 19, 2017

And it didn’t kill me.

It was just tacos.

And I don’t like tacos.


I went anyway.

I know, did you read that, I don’t like tacos.

Who doesn’t like tacos for fucks sake?

I love tacos, people, love them, rub those greasy soft tortilla wrap things all over my naked body, smear me with guacamole and sour cream, drape me in cheese.

And then watch me binge out on all the other things that I would be eating if I decided to eat something that I refrain from for my abstinence.

I was laughing with a friend.

Like anything with sugar.

“You can’t just have one piece?”

(or one beer or one shot or one line)


Chocolate cake would eventually go something like this–one piece of chocolate cake, becomes two pieces, becomes, let’s eat the whole damn thing, and have a big glass of milk and since nothing is better after a “meal” let’s have a cigarette and fuck since I’m smoking I might as well have a cocktail and if I’m going to have a cocktail let’s call my dealer and get a bag of blow.



There it is.

Chocolate cake equals cocaine.

You think I jest.

But that is my truth.

So no tacos for me.

I had the taco salad without the taco.


I had Mexican food twice today, that was not planned.

Much of today was not planned, on purpose, I wanted to leave some space to be free to actually have a day off and be flexible.

I did get up and do yoga, my arms are a little sore, but not too bad.

I had a nice leisurely breakfast and took a hot shower and went to meet up with my person and do the deal and cry a bit about being overwhelmed with the internship stuff and school and practicum and stuff and life.

She slowed me down, and really helped me get into the present, into today, into the joy of living and admonished me to have fun, which she actually does a lot now that I am thinking about it, she often tells me to have fun, and I decided to take her suggestion and see if I could have fun.

It wasn’t always easy today, I can get stuck trying to make things happen, but I just tried to let myself go with the flow and show up where I was supposed to be and after that see what happens.

What happened was a nice lunch, a manicure and a pedicure and then a scooter ride over to Waller and Stanyan to Free Gold Watch to play pinball.

I actually got sore wrists from playing.


Does any one get carpal tunnel syndrome from pinball?

I might have today.

I played my favorite, The Addams Family, and also I played The Twilight Zone a lot.

Then I zipped over to Turk and Divisadero, got right with God, made a confession at group level about being wildly adverse to fellowship and needing to do it and supposedly having to have fun and I don’t want to eat tacos.

And I got merry hell from my friends and ended up going out to some taqueria on Divisadero with a crew of people and hanging out until there was no one left to hang out with.

Got to love it when I take suggestions.

I don’t regret them ever.

Oh, sure it’s uncomfortable, social stuff is, being vulnerable, letting people see you, but I have community and as I do ramp up with all the school stuff I really am trying to keep my toe in the pool, maybe even sit on the steps and get a little submerged.

I remind myself, hey you, you like to swim, don’t be afraid.

And I will be afraid and that’s ok, but I don’t have to let the fear run the show.

It did a lot early in the week when I was freaking out about my schedule and meeting with my site director and setting up what my internship was going to look like.

I was anxious and in so much fear.

It was unnecessary, it was unpleasant and I just got spun out.

Anxiety is useless.

It’s worrying about the future and trying to worry so hard that I have all the fretting out-of-the-way before the actual event happens as a way to control the uncertainty of the event.

I want to be in control because if I don’t know what’s going to happen, something really bad might happen.

So I find myself pre-emptive and I fret.

God, how I fret.

And you wonder how it was that I was diagnosed with clinical anxiety ten years ago.


I had no clue that was what was going on with me.

It’s always been there, I just hadn’t the vocabulary to describe what was happening, or the knowledge that it wasn’t normal, or that there were things I could do to alleviate it.

Or that, I don’t know the horrific shit show of things that happened to me as a child were traumatic and might have long-lasting effects, like, um, I don’t know, being scared to be out of control of my environment because something bad this was coming.



Not me.



Grad school has definitely stirred that pot, from working with the stuff that comes up for me, working through a lot of it, processing, training myself, learning how to deal with my emotions, finding things that stir me up, realizing how things land in my body and how my body is affected.

All sorts of things.

I am super grateful for all the things and the getting to work through them and not have “death by tacos” and hanging out and getting connected with a group of pretty awesome, talented, kind, cool, smart folks.

In other words.

I had fun.

Mission accomplished.


I Only Pick People Who Are

August 1, 2013

Having fun with their life.

“That’s not to say that they’ve all had great shares, but that was my requirement when I took this commitment, only pick folks who are having fun, there’s too much misery out there,” he concluded.

I just got back from the doing some late show action in Oakland.

I talked about my life, where it was, what happened, what’s going on now and how much I am thankful, grateful, and awed.

I am still uncomfortable, but as the days have been passing and the constant out reach to my friends continues, I feel better and better.

I have also gotten some more work in the last day for this week, so I may actually break even on the week instead of taking it as a loss and I was able to sock a few more dollars into the account towards the deposit on the studio.

“What are you going to write about when you live in the Sunset,” he asked me as we were driving along International Avenue, “some thing vaguely morose and damp?”

“Something foggy and sad?”

“Stop it,” I said with a laugh.


I don’t know.

But I do know that it will be ok, there, here, elsewhere.

I do know as well that life is not a vale of tears, even when it feels that way, it does pass and as I have stated the seeing of friends, even if it’s just to quietly walk through a museum, has been such a help it has made it very clear to me that I have to continue to reach out as much as possible to my friends.

Tomorrow I have a lunch date with Calvin, to be followed shortly thereafter by some coffee somewhere in the city and some smack talk over dominoes.

I was going to go to the Academy of Sciences on Saturday with Beth, but that got changed, I was asked to work longer on Saturday and I was asked to pick up a shift Friday night.

I will actually overnight it in Cole Valley so that I can be there Saturday morning to nanny, mom and dad both have a big meeting at BMHQ.

That’s Burning Man Head Quarters to you.

That’s part of the reason my friend asked me to help out tonight.

I go to Burning Man.

I go and I have a good time.

Oh, I go and I work and I need to be of service or I will get it in my thick head that it is all about what can I take from the event rather than what can I give, or I won’t have a good time.

That is abundantly clear to me, always has been.

I go, I get glittered up, I wear crazy tights, I ride my bicycle, I sing, I dance, I cry, I laugh.

Man, I laugh a lot.

I smile until my face feels tight and my muscles sore and I have it out with my self and my abnegation of self every year.


There is enough misery in life, let’s have some fun.

That’s my friends philosophy.

I like it.

He started a new camp at the event last year and I did not realize it, I originally camped with him at Camp Stella (for queers, crackpots, and fallen women) when I was first on playa, that is located fairly close to where I will be camped.

Again, being taken care of.

In more ways than one, it would seem.

The camp will be a sober environment and I will have yet another place I can go to, close to me that I can get support if I gets the crazies in the head bits, and I will, I always do, but knowing how and where to go get help with that is a big part of my experience out there.

And an amazing one too.

To radically self-express without the aid of alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, that’s, well, that’s pretty fucking punk rock if you ask me.

I shared tonight about how I am colorful and how I wear makeup and how I have fun with it, flowers in the hair and all that.

“You look the best I have ever seen you,” my darling friend said to me tonight, right before he dropped me off at the gates of Graceland.

“You really do, and you have come so far.  I remember you when I first met you, you were a fright, dramatic, always, always, always crying, girl you were not this amazing, calm, beautiful woman I see in front of me.”

I was really blown away.

I remember my friend coming into my life my first year at Burning Man.

He’s one of the few people who know my secret playa name, Ophelia, and still uses it.

One of like a dozen people.

And with those people I am special and I will always be taken care of when I go to that camp or that tribe, for they are my people.

And I shall and will take care of them.

That is the gift of my life.

I am a care taker and I get to nurture and be kind and be sweet and colorful too.

I get to show you it’s not all a vale of tears, even when it is, that I still can be as glitterbombed as the next sparkle pony and as relevant.

I am alive.

This life is short.

I have had enough misery.

Bring on the people with light in their eyes.

Bring on the fun.

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