Posts Tagged ‘hot summer nights’

Void In My Heart

August 11, 2017

Only you can fill it.

Love.

Fill it with love.

Fill it with joy.

Fill it with the smell of you entangled in my memories.

Fill it with the flush you bring to my face.

Fill it with flowers.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

So I have been told.

I am not empty without you, per se, but there is emptiness there.

Greater than I knew.

A spot, a space, a holding space if you will.

Patient it waits for you to step back in.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

If I grow any fonder I’ll die.

You indulge me.

You sustain me.

You light me up like a firefly on a hot summer night.

I think about that.

You.

And.

Hot summer nights.

I feel sixteen again.

Seventeen.

Wild.

Fraught with emotion.

Overfull with desire.

Wishing to abandon myself completely to you.

All the time.

You redeem me.

You rescue me.

When I did not know I needed rescuing.

When I am with you I am replete.

Full.

Ravished with happiness.

I am almost afraid to see your face.

Your eyes.

To touch you.

I will have to make sure you are real.

Not a dream.

Not wishful thinking.

But here.

In front of me.

Waiting for my touch.

Waiting for my kiss.

Waiting.

You have not left a void in me, but rather a space that is occupied.

Constantly.

Always.

Continuous with thoughts of you.

My heart overflows.

I find my face wet with tears for no reason.

I wake up and feel you in my body.

I close my eyes at night and see you there pressed against the backs of my lids.

Sometimes.

I can almost feel you beside me.

I lift my hand and can sense the contours of your face.

My heart batters inside my chest.

The state of being away from your person.

Makes me want to hoard you when I have you.

Makes me greedy and childish.

Wanton and lustful.

Wistful.

I wish to stockpile you so that I don’t feel that awful loneliness without you.

Irrational.

Love is abundant.

Infinite.

This love has no end.

No beginning.

It shelters me from the nights rain.

It lulls me to sleep.

I am held.

I am seen.

And in that seeing and holding.

I can do the same for you.

I see you.

Let me hold you.

Let me press against you and fill you up.

Full to overflowing.

With.

All.

My.

Love.

For.

You.

 

Fire Flies, Thunderstorms, Nights Outdoors

June 20, 2012

Sitting in the lush air with nothing between my skin the air.

Yes, the calendar says June, but the space heater says San Francisco.

I have Al Green playing right now and it always reminds me of hot summer nights at the Angelic listening to Johnny Chimes & The Natch’ll Blues Band.  He did a lot of Cajun style Folk and Blues.

A little tiny taste of New Orleans in Madison in the hot summer nights.  Rubbing ice along the nape of my neck, sitting in the walk in cooler when it was too hot to think, nestled on giant bag of carrots next to buckets of dill pickles, sitting outside in the twilight with the music thumping from the bar, cigarette in hand, skirt tucked up around my knees.

Reminds me too or things I no longer do–drink, smoke, hang out in bars.

I do miss the summer nights and the music.  I miss getting dressed up to go to work and knowing that a band I loved was playing.

One of my favorite things about that job, when good music was playing, nothing like it.  I would try to convince Charles to come out from behind the bar and twirl me around the floor.

Some times I wonder if what I miss was just the attention.  Being center stage in my own crazy beer dipped fantasy.

Dancing has always been important.  Music is important.  Tonight for example I was needing to sing when I got home.  I like to sing out loud.

I don’t particularly care for some one to over hear me singing, but boy do I love it.

One of the things I loved about being a nanny was singing to my charges to get them to sleep.  I always sang Hush Little Baby.

The Wheels on the Bus, I could pass on that bad boy, but it was and probably still is, a popular song with the toddler set.

I chased a little boy over into the toy store next to the bike shop today.  He could not have been more than 15, 16 months, full on walking, talking, chattering, I totally understood what he was telling me.

I have not apparently lost toddler tongue.  He had a fire truck and we talked about his truck and he wanted to show me something in the store.   He ran out of the bike shop pointing his finger into the air, turning back every so often to make sure I was still behind him.

I “ran” swiftly behind and into the store and right to the back with his mom behind, saying, he keeps pointing at something, but I don’t know what it is.

Oh, I know, I squatted down, got on his line of sight and saw exactly what he wanted–the fire truck up on the mantle that was meant for riding.

“He wants that, the fire engine, with the number one in a white circle,” I said pointing it out to the mom.

I smiled gave him a little high-five, stood up and walked back to the shop.

Nice to know I haven’t lost my touch.

It’s good to get a little kid break once in a while.  The new frames landed today at the shop and it was crazy pants.  We have all been waiting with baited breath for them to clear customs in Oakland and it finally happened.

All hands on deck.

I was more than happy to be outside in the sun while it was still warm, it’s not bad during the day as long as the fog has not made it over Twin Peaks and it’s not too windy.

As soon as the sun sets though, the temperature drops and I was glad for the scarf.

Seasons in San Francisco are nebulous, do not look on the calendar to tell you what the weather will be like, you will be deceived.

Love and happiness.  That’s it Reverend Green.

This is the song that Johnny covered that I always loved the best, he played a keyboard and there was just something about how he belted out this song.

I always feel sultry and seductive when I hear this song, like I need to lift the hair off the back of my neck and raise the hem of my skirt above my calves.

Summer thoughts.

I have been thinking summer thoughts with the days being longer.  My brain still associates long nights with long summer nights, cold water from the tap, the fan always being on, always.

Oh, the year I splurged and bought a window air conditioning unit for my apartment.

Oh Lord.

That apartment.  I paid as much for that apartment as I pay for this little room.  One bedroom flat on the bottom of a two-story house, screened in front porch, living room, dining room, big bedroom, wood floor throughout, walk in closet in the foyer, walk in closet in the bedroom–with its own window, bathroom, large kitchen, basement, with washer and dryer (not coin-op), back yard, with a lawn and a garden, garage, all utilities included.

Fuck my mother.

Then again, it was Madison, eleven years ago.

Wow.  I have not had a Midwestern summer in ten years.

I do miss the fire flies and the thunderstorms, the breath of silent anticipation in the air as the electricity grew and grew and finally broke with a thunderclap and the down pour of rain, sudden, wet, the smell of hot cement underneath that first wash of rain, walking outside in the warm rain, not minding being wet, running around like a hooligan bare foot and splashing in puddles.

Late night drives through the country with the windows rolled down and the rush of the air cooling you off.

I wax nostalgic.

Al Green puts me in a certain mood, that’s for sure.

I love to dance and I got my dance on this past Friday, but I also like to couples dance, and Al Green is couples dancing, sweet and sultry and sexy all at the same time.  Languid, it’s languid, lush music, the sweet strings below the funk of the organ music and the drop of drum sticks on the metal rim of the drum, the lilt of the women backing up the Reverend, the seduction of an alto saxophone.

Summer is sexy and I am feeling sassy.

There may not be thunderstorms breaking on the horizon, there may not be fire flies winking in and out of the ditches along side the road at night, there may not be more than three nights this whole summer when I can wear a dress without three layers over it and thick tights, but there are long nights, and there is music and there is dancing.

There is a summer a head of me, full, full of possibilities.


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