Posts Tagged ‘In Our Own Words’

Hot Mess

June 26, 2011

Today’s performance, my performance, was just that, a hot, greasy, mess.  I felt like left over sloppy joe with american cheese melted off the side.

I kid you not.

I can pin a number of things on it, or place the blame directly where it belongs, on my shoulders.  I did not sleep as long as I needed and I got up way too early.  I wanted a hot shower.  I got one, but at what cost?

I can function on five hours of sleep, I did today, I have done so in the past, but what I cannot do is function on not enough food and hydration.  I did not keep pace with my water today, but I certainly did with my coffee.  I think I totally depleted my reserves.

I drew a complete and under blank during the run through this afternoon.  It was hideous.  It is not a feeling I ever want to experience again.  I got a hefty dose of humility today.  I had to lean heavily on my cast members.  Fortunately they were there for me.  I don’t know how we all came together, but we did.

It felt like we were plodding through the production.

I take that back.  I cannot speak for anyone else’s feelings, only my own.  I felt like I was plodding through the production.  However, we still got a standing ovation.

The audience was kind.  The cast was a bit more judgemental, but gently so.  I think we all were feeling tired from the journey.  I did have some lovely moments of bonding with the cast and I am supremely grateful for that.

I am my own harshest critic.  I know that, so I will take my performance with a grain of salt.  I know that last week was better.  I know that I can actually do better than this week and last week.  I am actually looking forward to doing it again.  And I would like to have a good nights sleep when I do it.  I would like to be in my normal eating routine and not piecing together weird hodge podge food.

I will say this, no offense folks, but I saw some way creepy body shit in this town today.  Women that were so tiny and sucked in and skeletal that I actually gasped audibly a few times.  Fake boobs I was ready for and saw, plastic surgery, botox, enhanced this and that.  But the teeny tiny skinny women and young girls I saw freaked me out, I was actually shocked.  And I suppose I knew, but I did not know.

I am so glad to be a different place.  I am so grateful for the beautiful body I have been given.  Even with its “flaws” I have accepted myself and I do not think I could actually do what women do to compete in this town.  I just wanted to hug a few of the girls and let them know they really did not have to go to such lengths.  It was really disturbing to be honest.

L.A. is not my town.  And that is kind of a relief to know.  I got to trash the few fantasies I had about being “discovered” and realize that I have absolutely no desire to live here.  I was even told by a professional SAG actor that I am a natural, but I don’t think I could pursue a career here in L. A. I love me some San Francisco.

And, maybe that’s all that I needed to see about this trip and this experience, once again it has been affirmed the San Francisco is my home.  It is the place I will keep returning to.  It is the place that I belong.  It is the place I want to come home to.

San Francisco, I hella heart you big big.  Can’t wait to see you tomorrow.


Long Day

June 25, 2011

Nine hour work day, two grandparents, one father working from home, two toddlers, 6.5 hour long drive after work from San Francisco to L.A.

I deserve a nap.

Currently sitting in a rental house in Santa Monica with two guys crashed out in the living room a two gals in the room behind me and the room I will be occupying has some guy I’ve met once sleeping on the floor and another woman sleeping in a bed a foot away from where I will be resting my head when it is time to rest my head, snoring.

I sort of miss my apartment right now and my cats.


But I am pretending to be at camp.  It’s not really a slumber party as there is no one up being silly or watching a John Hughes movie.

But it is an experience.  And I get to sleep in tomorrow.  Not that I will.  Not that I can imagine actually doing that.  Two other people in a teeny tiny room with me, one bathroom for let me count, seven of us, yeah, don’t know that I will actually be sleeping in.

And there will be no late night run on the bathroom naked thank you very much.  And I will be sleeping in pajamas which sucks as I like to sleep in the nude.  Again, oh well.

The snoring is not such a big deal, but I’m not a fan of the stale cigarette smoke that lingers around the edges of some of my housemates. Then again, at least they are not smoking inside.

It’s an adventure.

Tomorrow I don’t have to be to the theater until 2 p.m.  Hoping to find a place nearby to get a manicure and a cup or fifteen of coffee and maybe get my eyebrows waxed as I realized that I forgot to pack my tweezers.  Damn it.

Actually, is probably a good thing that I am the late arrival and all the other house mates are already fast asleep, or close to it.  By the time I get up, let’s keep our fingers crossed on this, I should be able to have a shower all to myself.  Hmmm.  Or maybe what I’ll do is shower before I go to bed.  And that way I don’t have to battle it out for the bathroom in the morning.  I can just get up, brush the teeth and do a quick wash up.

That is something to seriously consider.

This is the most boring blog I have written all week.  Is there any one interested in my morning toilet?  I think not.

How to spice it up.  I could rant about the fact that I had both grandparents today and the dad in the house and yet, I could be let go early because I had to feed K.  Really folks, it wouldn’t hurt if maybe you all had a family dinner, I bet she would develop some better eating habits, just a thought.

The drive up was also interesting.  Dan does not have a radio in his car.  No music.  Which was truly depressing for the first moment or two of being in the vehicle and then we started talking.  He’s a good egg and easily the most talented person of the play.  I am keeping my fingers crossed for him that he is discovered down here and given some juicy opportunities.  He’s truly an amazing actor.  I have to be careful watching him though, because he’s also mad good at improvisational comedy and there have been more than a few times that I have caught myself absolutely crying with laughter.

I don’t want to miss my entrance and exits because I am watching him perform.

I’m looking forward to the seeing Santa Monica tomorrow and maybe wandering down to the pier.  But really, I am just here because I was asked and I have been taught to say yes to certain experiences in my life.  I’m grateful I get to be of service and learn about a new fellowship.

Must remember to pick up a post card and send it to myself.  Anybody else want one?  Send me your address and I’ll write you one.  I left my address book at home.

Oh!  And this just in, I got somebody in the cast to help me move Shannon and Alex’s love seat next weekend!  Yay!  My furniture needs for my apartment have just about been met.  House warming party to be set as soon as I get back from L.A. adventures.

Popped My Cherry!

June 19, 2011

I got to perform in my first play tonight, In Our Own Words, in Sebastopol.  Wow. Wow. Wow.  It was amazing.

I was nervous all day long, but it really hit when we pulled up into the parking lot of the theater with just twenty minutes to spare, traffic was bad, before the director lined us up to go over the stage notes.

I exaggerate a tiny bit.  I was in a high school production of MASH, I think I had four lines.  I think it was a musical?  My high school seemed very tuned into the musical–and it was nothing like Glee, tell you what.  And had I been a singer,  well it  might have been cool.  But since I am not much of a singer I never really got into it.  I don’t think my school ever put on a theatrical production of anything.  I can’t recall.

I do remember going to a few shows in Sun Prairie.  I had a friend from elementary school in Madison that I stayed in touch with when I moved to DeForest and she and her mom relocated to Sun Prairie.   She was into theater.   And I sort of hung around the outskirts of a few of their productions.  I think mostly because I had a mad crush on her friend Matt, who later became her boyfriend.

I never really got bit by the theater bug.

I may have tonight.

It was a rush.  I will admit, however, that it was extremely, and I do mean extremely helpful that there was a very bright spot light on us.  I could not see the audience to save my life.  For whatever reason, that made it a lot easier.  It was difficult in rehearsal to do my lines when I could see my fellow cast members watching me.  I got really nervous.

I also have to give enormous props to the lovely Nikki, who ran lines with me on the drive up.  I have been off book for a week and a half, and saying that, I should also throw some accolades to S. and K.  who have heard me practise my lines at work for the last month.  But just going over them again in the car with Nikki made me feel really comfortable with the material.

In dress rehearsal I had gotten a bit flustered yesterday, between watching the other cast members and actually admiring the hell out of the woman I was performing a piece with, I lost track of my lines and had a huge and I mean huge, pause, and then I said “fuck” before I remember where I was in my lines.

Thank god that did not happen tonight.

It went off without a hitch.  I did make some mistakes, I was on stage late for a line.  The line was delivered just fine, I just was meant to be on the stage a bit before I went on.  The director materialized out of thin air and said “oops, you missed your entrance, just stay here and I will tell you when to go on, and now,” and then she pushed me out onto the stage and I said my lines and then got right back off.

I think I was actually more nervous about that section of the play then the monologue I performed or the other character that I played.  It really was an incredible experience.  I had to be careful to not laugh too loud at some of the performances, there are some excruciatingly funny people in the play.

I also had to keep my emotions under wraps.  I found myself in tears more than once before the performance.  It was just amazing to see all the people who came out to see it.  I was blown away.  Nikki caught me at one point, and waggled her finger at me with a smile and told me to watch it with my makeup!

And L.A. is next week.  That is enough to make a girl break right back out into a sweat.

Especially as one of the women that I am portraying will be in the audience at the show.  I am not going to think about that right now.

Just going to enjoy how this feels.  And enjoy the fact that my hands have finally warmed back up.  My fingers were absolutely frozen.  That’s how my body reacts to ‘stress’ I get sort of hot in my core and my extremities get really cold.  My fingers started to chill off noticeably when I saw the exit for Sebastopol, and they proceeded to get colder and colder and colder.  And then the rest of me was hot and sort of sweaty.

Such a nice combination.  Not really.

At least I know that this is how my nerves manifest themselves.  I did a lot of work to stay in the present moment and I feel like I did pretty darn well, all things considered.

What a neat, I know, I hate that word, but really, it was neat, experience.  I got to be a part of something rather amazing.  I even got to sign a program tonight.  I could not believe that some one actually wanted me to sign the program.

Really?  Me?

Aw shucks.

What stupid fun.  I am now officially excited for L.A.

Nervous too, I won’t deny it, we played to about 250-275 people tonight.  L.A. will be double if not triple that.  Scary.  My fingers got a little chilled typing that, oof.

I am counting on the stage lights being just as bright, I mean, it is L.A.


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