Posts Tagged ‘intuitive’

You Are Built For This Work

December 19, 2017

He told me.

I was so amazed to hear him say that.

Also, “you are deeply intuitive.”

And.

And.

And.

Wait for it.

“You are going to be a kick-ass therapist.”

Followed quickly by, “actually, you are a kick ass therapist.”

And then a smile.

And his brown eyes got warm and melty and in that moment, holy shit, I saw it, my supervisor likes me!

I was blown away.

I mean, I still am now, it seems surreal.

The man is intimidating.

Which he acknowledged today is not an unheard of thing between a trainee and a supervisor, he said, “I’m a white, older man, in a position of authority.”

Um.

Yup.

But.

He is also fucking brilliant.

I am often astonished by his intelligence and I am grateful that I can swim in the waters of his sagacity.

It’s intense.

He told me today that I am far beyond what a second semester trainee needs to be doing.

That I know what counter transference is, transference, that I know how to make an intervention, that I am warm and comfortable in my sessions with clients, that I have clients that want to stay and work with me, that I have built a roster of clients, that I am deeply intuitive.

He told me that he has other trainees that it takes fifteen minutes to pull the counter transference out of them.

“What’s your counter transference?”

“I don’t know.”

I don’t have that problem.

I may have others, but that is not one of them.

I see it, I have it, I am beginning to know how to use it and it’s a powerful tool.

Aside from being just flattered as fuck, it was such a nice way to begin my birthday.

Especially since I was dreading the review a little bit.

The last review was not so hot, not bad, and he really made a point of telling me more than once that I was doing all the right work and I was on the right track, that I was learning and implementing what needed to be learned and implemented.

But it was not effusive.

Not like today.

I was really just bowled over.

It was to not be my last bowled over of the day.

I have had just the loveliest birthday.

Sure.

I had to work.

But.

I opened birthday cards, from my mom, from my grandmother, from my best friend, from my family I nanny from.

I got myself my favorite chocolate drink from Rainbow.

I had a very sweet morning with the mom at work and collaborated on the work that needs to happen this week for them, school lets out tomorrow at noon for the holidays.

I had a great time with my school pick up and my oldest charge and I had a super sweet coffee and bagel date at Maxfields, I had the coffee, he had the bagel.

Then.

Holy shit.

My family gave me a new Iphone for my birthday!

I just about fell off the couch.

And flowers and the fore mentioned birthday card.

I mean.

Wow.

I got a new Iphone 8.

I am still a little in shock.

And so grateful.

Unbelievably grateful.

It is so lovely to be appreciated.

They are grateful for me and I am for them and it just was such a resoundingly nice thing for them to do.

I still have to set it up.

The internet, shocker, in my studio sucks, and I couldn’t get my phones to sync up.

I’ll bring it in to work tomorrow and do it there.

I promised my oldest charge he could help me take photos with it.

We chatted a lot today at the cafe about what we want to do over the holiday vacation.

Ferry ride to Sausalito.

Children’s Creativity Museum.

Exploratorium.

Drawing comic books.

Reading about space.

House of Air.

Movie date to the Metreon and Super Duper Burger.

So much fun.

And I got out a little early.

Not a ton early, the kids were so excited to give me my present and the entire family sang me happy birthday, it was just so, so, so sweet.

Then home and putting away goodies and groceries from my earlier trip to Rainbow in between supervision and work.

And then dinner at the new’ish restaurant around the corner from my house, Hook Fish Co.

It was delightful.

My best friend took me out.

Oh.

And gave me the most beautiful pair of earrings.

So special.

So sweet, my god, I just feel like I got all sorts of unexpected love today.

I just had the nicest time.

That my friend took time out of a way super busy schedule to take me out to dinner, that my relatives sent me cards and sweet little gifts, that my family gave me an Iphone.

An IPHONE.

Then I got the prettiest pair of earrings EVER.

I love them so.

How lucky am I?

The luckiest girl in the world.

And.

Heh.

A kick ass therapist.

Just ask my supervisor.

Seriously.

 

Sometimes

July 26, 2017

I’m smiling and you may not know the reason, but I’m smiling and damn it feels good.

I am happy.

I had a great day.

Lots of scootering all over the city.

Lots of errands run.

Amazing what I can do when I’m not working.

Ha.

I mean, I did go to my internship and I saw two clients today.

One who is new and the other who is returning, in fact, my first client, which feels pretty damn good, getting to know this client and seeing how the therapy is working for the client is an amazing experience.

I am growing more and more and finding out more about how I am a therapist.

I model myself a little on my own therapist.

She was fucking fabulous today.

We had an amazing session.

I sat down and said one name.

I want to talk about _____________.

And we dove in.

There was so much there.

I gave a history of the relationship and why it is relevant to me today.

I talked about conflict resolution and how in my past I wasn’t allowed to have conflict.

Conflict was not rewarded with resolution.

It was generally smashed and violently so.

Conflict for me was dangerous and scary and so I just learned at a very, very young age to avoid it at all costs.

Thank you to my school program and working towards getting my Masters in Counseling Psychology, (one more year!) that, oh, what?! Relationships have conflict and that’s ok.

Shit.

Who the fuck knew?

So.

I had some conflict that I needed my therapist to weigh in on.

It was astounding to hear her perspective and when I was stuck she helped me figure out where I was stuck and what it was.

We got to the bottom of it.

I was so freaking happy.

I am still not excited for conflict and when it happened, the conflict I am alluding to, it was years ago but it has become very relevant in present time,  I did not know that resolution could happen, that repair could happen.

I am much better at it now then I used to be.

Some practice, some stepping up and being a woman and an adult.

I remember when I really stepped out of my comfort zone with a former employer and let her know how I felt about an interaction we had and how I was really hurt by it.

I am certain that my past employer had no idea how her words had landed, but man, they had landed so hard on such a tender part of me that I knew I had to address it.

It would mean changing patterns of behavior I had been using for years, survival skills if you will.

And I did.

It was hard.

Man, it was so fucking hard.

But.

It opened a door that I didn’t know was there and an opportunity to exit that work environment a few months later with a kind of grace and dignity that I would not have thought I could have done.

Except that I let the repair happen.

I had the conflict, I said this doesn’t sit well with me, this is how it felt when you said what you did and I want you to know I can’t be treated like this.

It was one of the most powerful experiences I have ever had.

Scary too.

So freaking scary.

I mean.

It was my job, my everything, and I loved my charges so very much I was devastated by the thought that I might lose my livelihood, one, and two, that I would alienate myself from the boys.

Those children meant so much to me it was excruciating to confront their mom.

Yet.

When I did, as I mentioned before, the conflict though hard was not as hard as I had thought it would be and it led to an unexpected resolution and repair of the relationship.

I mean, the last time I saw her we hugged and we both expressed how good it was to see the other person.

Oh there were lots of other things to work through, in that relationship before we got to that point, but the point is that I got to and I grew so much it astonished me.

There is always an edge to push always an experiencing for me to have.

For which I am grateful beyond words.

I have had so many life experiences that I can really be of service and value to my clients.

That is a huge gift and one that I don’t take lightly.

I have to say.

I really like therapy.

I like being a therapist.

I like being smart, I like using my brain, but more importantly I like making intuitive moves and letting things unfold in the field as my clients and I work together.

It is powerful.

It can be really hard too.

But for the most part.

Man.

I am happy getting to be a therapist.

I have so much to learn but that I am actively using the skills that I have learned over the past few years, in school, and the decades of experience I have had over the span of my life and the challenges met, my God, I have had some challenges and I have a lot to share.

And having the tools and language of therapy is a huge gift.

It’s like having done the readings and the trainings and the dyads and all the paper writing and all the books and articles and internet Ted Talks, the podcasts and the lectures that I have sat through, the work I have done on myself, the inventories and the taking suggestions and trying different things, my God, I can see how important all of it is.

And that none of it is wasted.

None!

My therapist has remarked a number of times to me how “alive” I am.

And I am.

I am happy.

I am free.

I am joyous.

I am of service.

I have purpose.

I am love.

I know.

That last one sounds full of myself.

But you know.

I think I am.

Or better.

That.

I am a conduit for love.

That feels more apt.

A channel.

And to know that I have been given that and that I get to grow more into that shape of love excites me.

Even when it feels overwhelming.

It is an amazing revelation.

And I am here.

Open to all of it.

Grateful.

And.

So relieved to no longer be in my own damn way.

It is extraordinary.

And now.

Please.

Pardon me.

I have some happy dance to do.

Sweet.

Sweet.

Sweetest.

Dreams.

See you on the flip.

 

What’s Your Higher Purpose

May 20, 2014

Or fear.

Those are my topics.

I will go with the first, although, the more I thought, the less I knew and then I thought some more, maybe that’s the whole point.

Learning.

More and more.

Experiencing more and more.

Being achingly present as much of the time as possible, even when I would rather check out with Netflix, when is Orange is the New Black back?

Never mind.

I actually don’t need to know.

One thought was to be of service in my community by being a kick ass nanny.

I love my boys, even when they are boys and boy oh boy, were they ever today.

And I love my girls.

I love all the little monkeys I have been graced to work with.

“You’re really good with kids,” the mom said to me as she picked up her daughter from swim lessons, over twenty-three years ago when I was teaching Tiny Tot swim lessons and Mom and Tot.

“You should be a teacher,” she concluded.

In a way, that is a big part of my job.

I teach.

Patience.

Sharing.

Love.

Tolerance.

Kindness.

Generosity.

How to laugh, giggle, play, be silly, blow bubbles, communication of needs, I teach daily and without thought.

I also teach numbers and letters, colors, directions, manners, catch, fetch, sand castle digging, fort building, dancing, singing, hand eye co-ordination, sign language.

I am sure I am forgetting something in there.

I don’t have a degree in Education or Early Childhood Training, but I have a knack and I am not going to deny that.

The very act of getting down on the ground and hanging out with a child is not intuitive to all people, tons of adults have no clue how to interact with children.

I do.

That is definitely a higher purpose.

I mean, come on, taking care of children is a looked down upon profession yet, the most successful thing we can do as a society, is just that, take care of our children.

Even if there is not the kind of reward that comes with signing a book deal or making a movie or being a social networking maven.

Which I am good at as well.

That thought crossed my mind, I am good at connecting people.

I am a people person.

I meet people, I get there names, I talk,  smile, I engage.

I welcome.

It’s just something I do.

I suppose that has something to do with being genuine and that attracts people and I am open to new situations and trying new things, wherein, I meet more people.

I like connecting people to each other.

I like that I went to Burning Man and said, hey you and you, and yeah, you too, you need to go.

And they did.

Now, I am not the reason they went, but sharing my experiences with them helped that decision.

“He said I should get a hold of you about moving to Barcelona since you moved to Paris,” the message read.

“Go.”

I didn’t need to send anything else.

Go.

I went.

I did it.

You can to.

To inspire.

That is a higher purpose.

I have asked men on dates, jumped on trampolines, moved to Paris, danced in the dj booth of big name dj’s, I did the AidsLifeCycle ride, I got a black belt in Shaolin, I started a blog and keep writing it every day.

Inspire people to follow their heart.

I dyed my hair.

That is a big deal.

To be my authentic self.

There’s nothing wrong with colorful, insert clothing, tattoo, hair, here.

Be yourself.

Have fucking fun with it.

Wear a tutu to work.

Or your pajamas.

Stick flowers in your hair.

Get a pink jack-a-lope tattoo.

Laugh.

Have loud sex.

Kiss people.

Hug hard and long.

Dream.

Wear your heart on your sleeve and be you, because, no matter how similar we are, there’s only really one you.

Or me.

Perhaps my purpose is to help the still suffering.

To pass on my experience, strength, and hope.

To be happy, joyous, free.

That’s probably my biggest purpose.

And my most precious.

To save my life by helping someone else with similar issues is an amazing gift.

One that I never thought I wanted or needed or had a purpose for.

You want me to what?

Are you high?

OH.

Ok.

Let me try that.

Perhaps my higher purpose is to write.

But not write for accolades, honor, esteem, money.

Just to write for the act of being able to do it, the joy of it, the sound of my fingers flying over the keyboard, a song of life and meaning that means almost nothing to any one else, but me.

Or the feel of a good pen on good paper.

Maybe my higher purpose is to be happy.

Really.

Just that.

As happy as I can be.

Whatever that looks like, however that evolves and to love.

Yeah.

That’s what it is.

My higher purpose is to love.

I get to do that at work.

I love my charges.

That is something.

How many folks can say they love their bosses?

My bosses are fabulous, sometimes a bit moody, or pushy, or bossy, “PUFFFFFS! SNACKS!”

Then again, how many folks have bosses that blow them kisses, hug them, dance with them, and fall asleep in their arms, I get to love and be loved at my job.

That is a higher purpose indeed.

I suppose it’s really to live this life, my life, the only one I have got, to the best of my ability, as full and rich and pulsating with purpose as I can make it.

To get the fuck out the way of my life and let it happen.

To walk through whatever fear I have and live anyway.

If I narrow the field too small, if I find “the higher purpose” for me, perhaps I wouldn’t have so much fun looking and trying things out.

I am still learning.

And if I don’t know what exactly my higher purpose is, I am ok with that.

Besides.

I know I am on the right track.

And that is enough.

 

 


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