Slow it down

Whelp.

I might have been ready to buy a house.

But the bank ain’t.

Oh well.

And actually.

Some relief.

It felt like it was moving a touch too fast.

I was beginning to feel anxiety about client’s cancelling and am I bringing in enough and how much is a mortgage payment going to be?

OH.

That’s a lot.

And fuck.

I better secure some more clients.

And shit.

I need to publish a book and can someone bequeath me some money.

I don’t really play the lotto, but maybe I better start.

Fun things the brain likes to cook up.

But, as it turns out, I am not in a position to buy anything.

This year.

I had a meeting, phone meeting, with the mortgage broker my real estate agent suggested.

And he was very clear.

Nothing to do here.

No bank is going to touch me.

I’m self-employed.

I need two years of stable income.

It’s not that I’m a risk per se, but that banks are very hesitant to loan money to the person who doesn’t have a proven track record of making money.

Cool.

I get that.

So the agent said, you appear to make enough and continue to make this much and you should be fine to get a loan.

Next year.

So.

The project is on hold and I’m not going anywhere.

Unless, yeah, some long lost relative has some money for me.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

That’s so not happening.

Anyway.

I actually felt a lot of relief when that happened, the mortgage broker saying, not this year and I’ll contact you about this time next year and then we’ll talk.

Gave me a reprieve.

Gave me some relief.

It’s not off the radar, but it’s some ways out.

And of course, time moves quick at my age, next year will be here before I know it.

Still.

Being able to take my foot off the gas and recognize that I don’t have to suddenly work more when I already work a lot, was a relief.

And.

Summer’s tough.

Folks travel.

I’ve had a lot of cancellations with people traveling.

And I’m ok with that.

There are still new clients coming in, I have a consultation tomorrow.

I picked up a new client last week.

Turn over happens.

That’s a part of my business.

Faith that things will move and taking the necessary actions and letting go, gently, of the results, is the best way forward with me.

I also hit up the MOHCD first time buyers program zoom.

Mayors Office of Housing and Community Development.

I had thought I had a chance at some of the loan programs they offer first time buyers.

And nope.

I don’t.

The city counts gross income.

EVEN for someone who is self-employed.

So it doesn’t matter that my business eats about half of what I make, the city will count all of what the business brings in.

Sigh.

So.

I make too much money.

Funny that.

Not quite enough money in some eyes and too much in others.

I did at least save a little time and exited the zoom early when I learned that piece of information.

I looked about my apartment, it’s a sweet little space, and I realized, hmm, I have plenty, I have more than enough.

I live a lovely life.

I have two cute cats.

I have a business that I run and own.

Literally.

I am an SCorp.

Well, my business is an SCorp.

I actually have 1,000 shares if you are interested in investing.

Not that I would ever go public.

Not that I even know if that’s an option.

Totally no clue, but yeah, my accountant filed the paper work for me, my business, to become a corporation rather than a sole proprietor.

Cool.

I have no idea what it means, except, that ultimately it’s supposed to save me some tax dollars.

Ok.

A lot of this is over my head.

I don’t know anyone in my family that is a business owner.

This is all unfamiliar territory.

But there are perks, so many.

I call my shots.

I schedule myself.

I still am loving the off on Fridays gig.

I love my job, that helps so much.

I am grateful for all the other jobs I’ve had as well, they have all served in one way or another–taught me how to listen, how to care take of others, how to watch for cues in the environment, having an open door policy when I was management in the service industry, all the confidences I have held over the years.

It all added up.

I shared with someone recently, that I have been groomed to be a therapist, I was built to be one.

I am grateful for it all.

It hasn’t been easy.

No.

Not at all.

But.

It has been beautiful.

And for that I am grateful.

And that house that I have built to reside in, the corporeal one this soul inhabits.

Well.

It’s damn solid and I am content.

So much so.

A house can wait.

My home is already secured.

People Who Don’t Usually Lecture

Holy crow.

They picked me!

I am so blown away and honored.

And nervous, fuck, if I think about it too long I might get myself in trouble, but overall, wow, wow, wow, just amazed.

People Who Don’t Usually Lecture is a lecture series that is a kind of anti-TEd Talk where the focus is on people’s personal stories and journeys.  They were given my name by my mentor and friend who commissioned some sonnets from me after a chance (chance, my ass, that was grace, God, the universe if you will) encounter at Burning Man.

They have been doing the series in Tel Aviv for the last four years or so and have gone global this year.

There will be shows in New York, Buenos Aries and, yes, here in San Francisco.

I interviewed with them today before I went into work.

I wasn’t even sure what the hell I was going to talk about, and if I think on it real hard I know that I told a good bit of my personal story, my journey, how I got from here to there and back again, but I didn’t choose my word so much as just let them come out, I just asked to be a channel and let what needed to come out come out.

I’m not sure how I got to be so lucky to be a story-teller, but I did.

I do think it has something to do with remembering to say yes to things.

When my friend had first mentioned it I was intrigued, but really had no clue what was being talked about and I sort of forgot.

Then we had lunch this past Sunday in North Beach and I got a bit more of the back story.

It sounded fascinating.

So, yes I was nervous taking my scooter up into the hills over Dolores Park to meet with the people who run the show.

But, well, you know me, half the battle, three-quarters, 7/8’s haha, of the whole deal is just showing up.

Take the action.

Let go of the results.

The results are God’s anyway.

They really seemed to like my story and I saw one of them was moved to tears, more than once and it was amazing to watch their reactions and then to hear them say they could listen longer and wanted to know more and that they didn’t usually offer a spot the day of the interview to a lecturer.

But.

Well.

They did to me.

Oh my God.

I’m going to do a lecture!

It will be short, ten minutes, and I will be speaking with others in the community, I believe my friend will be one of the lecturers as well.

And when I had mentioned our poetry project and creativity and my experiences I actually got a soft, but firm, no, that’s not what we want, we want your story.

They talked to me about what they had heard and themes that came up in my telling my personal journey, I think I talked for about twenty minutes or so, straight before they started asking questions and collaborating with me about what they would like me to focus on in my story.

I will be covering the thematic of resilience and gratitude.

Two things I have in spades.

Oh.

Do I ever.

I have to write-up my narrative for them to go over by Monday morning.

I will go in and speak with them again and they will go over my story and give me pointers on what they want me to focus on.

I have to write-up the piece and get it to them by Monday a.m.

I will go in at noon next Monday and see them again.

I have the rest of the week to think about it and then to write it out.

They asked me to give them a ten minute piece.

It will be off book as well, so even though I will have a narrative to hand into them so that they can help me polish and pull out the tasty bits, I will be on my own up on that stage.

Just me, myself, and I telling a little story about how I got where I am today.

I am so honored and a bit in awe.

A bit in wonder.

I’m grateful, so grateful I get to do stuff like this.

It will just be ten minutes of my life, but I suspect it will be a lot more, it will be a gift to my community, without whom I wouldn’t be where I am today and certainly not fucking asked to give a lecture before hundreds of people.

The lecture series will be held at The Chapel on Valencia Street in the Mission, Tuesday, December 5th.

I’m not sure of the time yet, but in the evening.

I’ll have a dress rehearsal there on December 3rd and then do the deal on the 5th.

I’m really over the moon.

And though I, of course, it is my story after all, know what I’m going to write about, I don’t know exactly what I am going to write about.

Which is fine.

I’m ok with extemporaneous speaking I did it through high school as well as debate, as well as doing French forensics and poetry.

I’ve spoken in front of loads of people, I will be able to do this too.

It’s a little scary, it’s on stage and I know there will be a lot people there.

But.

Really.

I just need to show up and open my mouth, just show up and ask to carry the message, my journey, my story, my resiliency, and not the mess.

I’m good at the mess, I want to carry the message.

Which is often that, if I can make it through the terrors and traumas of my life, then so can you.

And.

Not only that, I can share how, I can share my experience, I can share my hope, and that I did it and how I’m happy now, have been happy now for some years, and I’m loved and my life is fulfilling, rewarding, and full of service.

Life is not a vale of tears and when it is, well, it is gold, a kind of coin I can spend helping another in their struggle by sharing how I got through.

Which is the greatest gift, after all, isn’t it?

Having experiences to share with others.

Love and gratitude tonight.

So very much.

I’ll keep you posted.

Night all.

Sweetest dreams.

 

 

It’s All Starting

To sink in.

Wow is this going to be a lot.

Fortunately I have a great support network and I have already done some reaching out.

Part of me is still in a sort of denial.

I’m going to work more?

Really?

Ugh.

But I know it’s not going to be forever and it’s going to help me and I’m going to get what I need to become a great therapist.

I am super grateful for that.

I just figure.

You know.

No social life for a year.

I have contemplated what that looks like.

I may not be on social media at all.

I may modify or change my writing routine.

I cannot fathom giving up my writing, neither this blog nor my morning pages, but maybe I do.  Maybe I have to.

I don’t know yet and I don’t have to know yet, which is also a gift.

I can just take it all one day at a time, one moment at a time, one hour at a time, one client at a time.

Things will work out.

Work will work out.

I started the conversation with the mom today about what it will look like, nothing changes for them, nothing at all.  The only thing that I have to do is have a hard stop at 6p.m.  I have to leave work by 6p.m. That is a must.

But other than that, my hours will stay the same.

I will basically be working 11 a.m.-9p.m. Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays.  I will also be in group supervision and training on Saturdays from 2p.m. onward and may take a client or two Saturday afternoon to early evening.

I will be at my job from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m.  hop on my scooter and head to 18th and Treat and be there seeing clients from 6:30 p.m. to 9 p.m.

My sessions will be the traditional timing.

I figure I will see my first client, be done by 7:30 p.m. have a moment to stretch, catch my breath, use the facilities, have some hot tea, eat a snack, re-ground.

Then I’ll have a second client from 8p.m. to 9 p.m.

After that I’ll head home.

It will be long days.

Fortunately I will have Wednesday evenings off.

Which is good since I have a commitment and I need to stay connect to my fellowship and my people.

I will likely be changing up my get right with God time from evenings, because there’s no way I’ll be taking my ass to a 10 p.m.

I figure I’ll be hitting the spot at 7th and Irving at 9 a.m. during the week, which will also serve to keep my connected.

I don’t need to figure it out all tonight.

I have taken some steps today in the next direction and I’m pretty happy with that.

I have e-mailed one therapist for a consultation and I have e-mailed three supervisors who can provide me with off site supervision.

I actually got a response back from one, which is fantastic, despite the fact that his time is limited, I responded, told him my schedule, its limitations and its availabilities.

I don’t have many.

But I know that I will be able to find someone to work with me.

I think that it is a good possibility that I will be meeting with a supervisor for two hours once a week before I go to work.

It’s the reality of my situation.

And it will remain that way unless some unexpected and abundant source of income reveals itself to me allowing me to work less or not at all.

I don’t foresee that happening, but it would be welcome if it did.

In the meantime I will continue to reach out to supervisors and see who I can connect with.

I have been told by some folks how important it is to work with someone who you are a good match with and in the best of all possible worlds that will happen.

But.

What I feel is that I may be sacrificing connection for availability.

Then again I had not the intention to apply to the site I’m working at, it was suggested to me and it turned out to be a great match.

I don’t feel like I’m going to be dropped and as long as I take the appropriate actions I will be taken care of.

The actions are my responsibility.

The results are not.

I will keep taking the actions necessary until I get the resulting supervisor.

I would love someone who is convenient to my work and job or the internship site.

Of course, someone who is willing to work with my wonky ass schedule.

And last, and in some ways,  yes, least, someone who I am compatible with whom I won’t hate seeing for two hours once a week for a year.

My priorities are to pay rent, feed myself, keep clothes on my back and stay in recovery.

School follows that high on the list, but first and foremost comes my work and the responsibilities that I need to meet there.

That being said, my boss today actually did express that she wants to be keeping very open lines of communication with me, that if I need time off or shorter hours that I will let her know.

Which I will although I am not going to jeopardize my income to do my internship.

I would rather keep my finances clear and clean.

So much to think about.

And  lot to digest and process.

A lot.

I’m not going to do it all tonight.

I have done enough for today.

Seriously.

More than enough.

Ready to call it a night.

And that’s.

A.

Wrap.

Looking Forward To Seeing

You in Black Rock City!

Welcome home!

But first I need to fleece your wallet.

Fuck me.

$541.10.

Yikes.

But.

Fuck it.

What’s a few bucks?

I would regret it so much if I didn’t go, I’m supposed to be there and there is the off chance I may be given a ticket anyway.

I won’t count on it, that’s a great way to cop a big fat resentment.

But should it happen.

I will sell the one I just bought and use that money to buy myself a nice tent.

That was my compromise to myself when I was looking at the money.

And I have it in savings.

I would have to dip into my prudent reserve, but fuck it.

I am only living once, I want to live it fully.

Besides.

When I think off all the fun that I am going to have.

I mean.

It’s going to be a very different experience for me not working the event.

I mean, what the fuck am I going to do without having something or some kind of job out there define me and my experience?

I might just go to Burning Man for reals.

And although I am not able to go for the full event, I will still be getting four possibly five days of the event to experience.

Which is also more than I have had to experience in years.

Granted I have been up on very long runs, 21, 22, 23 days in a row.

Working always and having very little time off.

Coming back destroyed from the event, exhausted, sick, crazed a little, wondering why I did it again this way.

I’m quite curious to see what it will feel like to be completely autonomous at Burning Man.

To not be on a schedule or tied to camp, to come and go as I please could be really fucking fun.

That’s not to say that I haven’t had fun my other events, I have, I have had a lot of fun, I have also worked my fucking ass off and broken down a few times.

Emotional catharsis is a good thing but it does’t have to be a big burden of the event for me.

I want to go and be free and easy and breezy and light and bright and all things wonderful.

Oh I know.

There’s going to be dust and tiredness and crazy emotional swings, that happens but there is possibility here that I haven’t had before and a kind of joy, such joy, that I get to go.

There a plenty of folks who don’t like the way the event has changed or won’t go anymore or feel like something has been lost, or God, it was better last year, but I don’t feel that way.

I still feel like a kid in a candy shop with a handful of coins ready to buy my hearts desire for a few pennies.

Plus.

So excited to see friends that I really only see when I am out there.

The great big dusty family reunion.

I’ve started taking some actions toward finding a ride.

I did explore the ride board on the event site a little, but I’m hoping to catch a ride within the community of my fellows who are going.

I got one offer, but he was going up days earlier than I and staying all the way through the event.

I suspect I am going to have to get a ride up with one person and get a ride back with another.

Not that many people will be leaving the event Wednesday, and though I don’t want to leave that early, I do have school to be going to and the Mike Doughty concert with my friends Thursday night, and at least the drive out won’t be a grid lock of cars.

I will hopefully get all the dust off me so the audience doesn’t spend it’s time sneezing during the show.

I posted to a couple of camps that I used to camp with and have friends at, but aside from the one offer, nothing more yet.

It will fall into place.

I know it.

And for tonight.

I don’t have to figure it out.

I did the big action, even though I balked for a moment, I took the action, and I bought the ticket and vehicle pass–the taxes and the vehicle pass bumped up the price, the ticket is $390–I’m hoping that I can offer the vehicle pass as incentive to get a ride.

Anyway.

It’s done.

I’m going.

And for the rest of tonight I’ll just be thinking about my outfit for tomorrow night.

I’m going to see Diana Ross!

I got a message asking me if I wanted to go and got me and a plus one and got free tickets and I asked a friend from school and he said yes, so I’ll be heading to the Orpheum Theater tomorrow night after work to see the lovely and supreme Ms. Ross.

I joked with my friend about how big I was going to try and get my hair.

Unfortunately, though, I’ll be arriving via scooter and will have helmet head.

But that won’t stop me from throwing it up in a big messy bun and sticking a bunch of flowers and shiny things in it.

Plus.

Ahem.

My disco platform shoes that I bought in New Orleans?

Oh yes.

Those will be coming out of the closet.

I have to be fabulous.

It’s Diana  Ross for fuck’s sake.

There is not excuse to not be.

In the name of love.

So apt.

So true.

So excited to see my life unfold, big and bright, wild and huge.

A little like Diana’s hair.

Heh.

Luckiest girl in the world.

Fingers Crossed People

And I am not talking about who gets the best Oscar picture win tonight.

I didn’t even know tonight was Oscar night.

I was busy living my little, BIG, life down by the sea today.

I had a great day and it’s hard to believe the weekend has already flown past, but yes, it has, and as I gear up for the week I am happy and content and ready to rock this bitch out.

I just asked off for Burning Man.

It’s an unpaid ask off from my employers and if they say no, there’s little I can do, I won’t quit my job to go to Burning Man, well unless I got some extraordinary offer, or won the lottery.

Considering I don’t play the lotto though, it’s unlikely to happen.

I also asked off for a doctor’s appointment to have an eye check up.

I think it’s time to update my prescription.

I love my glasses so much though, that I am going to have them re-lense the frames versus getting new frames.  It’s going to have to be a two part process, which it’s a good thing that I have my old frames as well, I’ll swap out the two and wear one set while the others get taken care of.

I am also going to get myself some prescription sunglasses.

Good for being on my scooter and also good for being on playa.

I didn’t wear my glasses very often out there last year and I feel like my eye sight is just changed up enough that I am going to feel better having glasses or prescription lenses with my sunglasses while I’m out there.

Please let me get the time off!

I am actually glad that I got it off, the request, it took a moment, I had to do some work and then, I was like, just ask.

They can say no.

And that’s ok.

And they can say yes and that would be freaking awesome.

If they say no I’ll deal with what that means.

But, yeah, I am hoping for a yes.

I also notified them of my second year school retreat, August 7th-14th.

It’s going to be another busy summer.

Yes, I know it’s February, but not for much longer and the weeks they zoom by sometimes and the next thing you know you’re on a plane or driving in a car and traveling down the road.

Plus, the family does a lot of planning and a lot of scheduling and have already started talking about reserving the house in Sonoma that they go to each summer.

Last year it worked out with out any conflicts of timing and I want to be able to ask now so that they are prepared and I’m being transparent.

I did the work.

Got to let go of the results.

Like yoga.

I went again today and signed up for a morning class tomorrow before I head into work.

It feels good to keep showing up.

I did better today although the class was challenging the teacher was really good and though the poses were tough, I tried and I also had a much better day on the mat.

My feet stuck on the mat, almost like glue, my housemates borrowed mat is a dream in comparison to the one I had used the days prior.

I actually think I’ll bring that mat, the slippery one, out to Burning Man with me.

I will have a distinct, defined, practiced, practice by that point.

I am sure I will want to do yoga while I am out there.

I know plenty of folks that do.

Ha.

Before you know it, I’m going to be burning sage in my room.

Well.

Maybe not, it’s a tiny space, it would smell up real quick.

I did catch a whiff of it as I stepped out onto the street, or floated, really, I got that floating feeling today again during class and after.

I had the thought again, “I could get addicted to this,” it feels really good to be in my body and out of my head and to let the world drop away and just be inside this gift that carries me around all day long.

I am having a happy time taking care of it.

It helps my head so much too.

I took care of other things too, I didn’t just get all blissed out on yoga, I grocery shopped and cooked and did the deal.

I also heard an inventory and I am astoundingly grateful for the experience and the honor of hearing it.

It was such a huge gift, I got teary about it a few times and I’m not blaming my period on this, no, this was legitimate, awe and wonder at the process and seeing the progress of another woman becoming all that she can be.

It shook me when I was on the yoga mat and the instructor said something about letting go of the idea of perfection and something just slipped side ways and fell out of my heart with a soft thump on the floor, tears flowed down my face, and yes, there, the gratitude, the gift of being present and being with another on their journey.

Lovely.

Really.

Such goodness.

My petty desires, wanting a boyfriend, or sex, job security, getting to go to Burning Man, whatever it is, just slides away when I am presented with this opportunity to share my experience, strength, and hope with another woman and my heart just bursts open all over again.

Heck.

I even got some school reading in too.

I have to do some more this week and then next weekend, two papers to write.

They’ll get done.

The light.

I see it.

Raised in brightness.

Super saturated with ice cream colored sunsets and the kisslets of poems that trip against the back of my throat, the mocking bird call, the violets opening purple veined and yellow tinged with joy, green leafed in the morning and wilting beneath the full moon light in the evening.

I lift my eyes to the sky.

Subsumed in the music of the spheres.

I am here.

I am there.

I am everywhere.

This.

Then.

Is.

Love.