Posts Tagged ‘letters’

Love Letters

March 19, 2019

To a ghost.

That’s what he feels like now.

Ghostly.

It is still painful, I just teared up thinking about him as I was having dinner.

Being ever so careful to make sure that my musical selection to accompany dinner was nothing that we ever listened to together or music that reminds me of him.

Let me say there’s a lot I’m not listening to.

Somethings are pretty safe and I have absolutely no affiliation with the music to him.

Mike Doughty, which is cool since I’ll be going to his show this Wednesday at the Great American Music hall, is one.

My French house music app Bon Entendeur is another.

Although occasionally, as it happened to me tonight, something will just drift in and remind me of my love.

Cue tears.

I’m not crying unless I’m writing about him or talking about him.

Or thinking about him.

Sigh.

I know it will pass but it still feels raw and sad.

I have been wanting to write him a letter, nothing that I will send, but I have this notebook full of love letters to him that I had hoped one day to give him.

A great big full hard bound notebook full of love letters.

I thought about sending it to him in the first week that we broke up.

But I told on myself and it was suggested that I not do that.

That would, in effect, be courting contact when I said no contact.

And yes, I’m not going to lie, I wish he would contact me.

But I have motives and desires and specific wants and he wasn’t able to give those things to me.

I can’t imagine that really has changed in three weeks and one day.

But yeah, sometimes, too  frequently to be attractive, I do have this dream that he calls me up or shows up at my house and tells me things have changed and we can be together.

It’s stupid and it just hurts my heart to entertain the thought, so I don’t, or I don’t try to let myself entertain the thoughts too often.

I have wanted to write out a letter though in the notebook, but I wanted to have passed through the anger and hurt and grief and betrayed feelings I have and just have it be a sweet and final goodbye.

Sure.

Not one he’ll ever see, but just the process of closure for me.

I also recognize that there is still this flame of hope that things will change and he’ll come for me and if I was writing in the notebook I’d be somehow flaming that fantasy.

He’s not coming back.

Move on.

I haven’t been able to write poetry.

I think it would just hurt too damn much and I’m barely hanging in there.

Of course.

I have to mention I’m tired and the grief sneaks in when I am tired.

I was up this morning at 5a.m. to take my car over to Berkeley to get an oil change at my Fiat dealer at 7a.m. and I wanted to make sure that I had enough time to get over the bridge with traffic.

I got there with plenty of time to spare and ate my breakfast and drank coffee in my car waiting for the dealership to open.

So it’s been a long day and when it’s a long day and the tired hits the emotions do too.

Plus, I didn’t really have a day off yesterday.

I had to grind hard on a big paper that I’d been working on for a few days and really get it done.

I can’t remember a paper that I’ve spent this much time working on before, but such is life while pursuing a PhD.

Big, tough, all-consuming papers will happen.

I got it done, my laundry, met with a ladybug, met with my person, did food prep and cleaned my house, finished the huge paper and sent it out.

I did not have a day off.

So just diving right into my week by having to get up at 5a.m. to get the oil change was not how I wanted to start my week, but I am grateful its done.

I didn’t want to risk going too long with the oil change light coming on and the dashboard lighting up and telling me I needed an oil change every time I started the car.

It’s done.

The big paper got turned in last night and I’m already at work on another paper for another class that’s due this Thursday.

Fortunately, this second paper is more in align with what I like to write and I was able to get a lot of it done at work and I spent an hour in a cafe after work writing too before I went to do the deal.

And all along.

He was in my mind.

I stumbled upon an old text chain I didn’t realize was on my phone.

Said text corresponded to when I started writing him the love letters in the notebook.

He told me in one of the texts he wanted to read those letters.

(God damn his texts were always so freaking sweet)

Honestly.

I want him to as well.

They are beautiful letters.

I write a nice letter.

Not to brag, I just do.

But no contact means no contact and they’re just going to sit here on my desk for a little while yet.

I have written him a lot when I think about it, heaps of cards, post cards, love letters, poems.

I could probably put together a chapbook of the poetry I’ve written about him.

Maybe one day I’ll figure that out.

Right now though.

I’m not writing him any letters, outside of the ones I compose in my heart and keep in my heart, to him.

I can’t bear to yet.

I just can’t.

I want to stop missing him first.

Otherwise I’ll just keep breaking my heart over and over and over again.

I don’t think I can handle anymore broken heart.

I’m too damn tender right now.

Too heart sore.

Too sad.

I miss him too much.

Too damn much.

 

Force Quit

January 23, 2017

I can only deal with the spinning ball of doom for so long.

I forced a quit on my Word document.

No biggie.

Just the resume I had spent the last two hours working on.

Ugh.

So not cool.

So not happy about that.

And.

So not prepared to go back and re-do the resume.

Not right now.

It’s too late.

I did, however, get the cover letter done and saved and I have now written out a full resume in detail.

I know what I need to say.

I know how to format it.

I was literally about to click on the spell check and the little death ball started to go.

I am not pleased by this turn of events, but there’s not a whole lot to do right now.

It’s not an emergency.

Yes.

I really had hoped that before I was sitting down to write this blog I would be able to report a successful launching off into the ether my resume and cover letter for the practicum site that contacted me on Friday.

But.

Twas not to be so.

And I was going to start crying.

That’s a default go to when I’m mad sometimes too.

But instead.

I washed the dinner dishes.

I started some water for a cup of tea.

And I took a deep breath.

Crinkle, crinkle, crinkle.

What the hell is that?

Then I realized.

Ha.

I hadn’t taken off the bandage from my tattoo earlier today.

Yup.

I got my twelfth star upon my neck.

Well, technically it’s not on my neck.

It’s on my clavicle.

And yes.

Yes.

That did hurt.

Yes it did.

I always find that amusing, when folks ask, “ooh, did that hurt?”

Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t, depending on where the tattoo is and at what phase in the tattooing one is at.

The body kicks out some adrenalin and the pain gets annihilated pretty quick and then the meditation begins.

I say the Serenity Prayer on a loop in my head when I’m getting a tattoo.

I know.

That’s crazy town.

Who the fuck says prayers while getting tattooed?

I do.

It works.

I sort of go into a slight meditative trance and I zonk out a little.

I don’t feel the pain.

It’s pretty fucking cool.

I felt this one though and was happy it was a smaller star and that the work wasn’t too long.

I was under the gun for less than a half hour.

Although it felt longer.

Time gets a wee bit plastic when I’m getting tattooed.

It looks great.

I’m super happy with it.

And I had a little time after I got done to head to Maxfield’s House of Caffeine and crank out a little homework reading before meeting a friend for tea and then heading over to do the deal at Dolores and Dorland.

It was great to catch up and I am grateful we made the time in both our busy schedules.

I heard just what I needed to hear and then hopped in a car back here, heated up some dinner and started working on my cover letter and resume.

I am bummed that the little death ball started rolling.

Super bummed.

I feel like there is probably a solution to fixing the Word document.

I think it needs to be updated to my MacBook Air, which might be the problem.

When I first opened it I got a little notice, but I wasn’t paying it any attention and just zoomed ahead.

I rather wish, now, that I had paid some attention.

Eep.

OH!

Oh yes!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Ha.

I decided I would try to re-open the Word document, just to see if maybe I might find it somewhere and voila!

The application retrieved my previous work.

Yes!

I just managed to spell check it, edit it.

And.

YES!

I sent it off.

Done.

It’s done.

I don’t know if it’s done fantastically.

I’m sure there could be improvements.

But.

I really feel good about what I wrote and how I put together my resume.

On one hand I have no relevant experience, I’m in graduate school, this is my first stab at applying to intern and I don’t have any clinical experience.

Except.

Holy moly.

You remember that little reference to twelve stars and doing the deal and all that.

Yeah.

Like that.

I have over a decade of experience being of service in the community, I have volunteered my time, happily I might add, for many a service position and I have worked one on one, week after week, month after month, years after years, with many women.

I have been super fortunate to be so situated that I have gotten to be a part of a big, beautiful, vibrant, amazing community.

You bet your ass that’s relevant experience in the field.

And.

Um, yeah.

Nanny for ten years and maybe I could say that I have some experience seeing how the dynamics of family systems work.

Just maybe a little insight there.

I was pretty forthcoming and it felt right.

And it’s done.

I have officially sent out my first resume and cover letter towards internship.

Feels pretty fucking good.

I’m happy I got the work done and I’m really happy I was able to retrieve it.

And yes.

It’s been properly saved.

I suspect I have to do some sort of update for the Word application to work well, it’s from 2011 so yeah, that’s probably what’s happening.

I shall figure it out.

I need to for sure, I will be writing more papers and this won’t be the first resume I send out.

Not by a long shot.

And each cover letter will be different, depending on what site I apply to.

So, definitely a need to rectify that.

But not a need to do it tonight.

Nope.

My weekend is done.

And now it’s time to have one last cup of tea and an apple and maybe catch a few minutes of a show before calling it a night.

What a nice way to end my day.

Seriously.


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