Posts Tagged ‘lighthouse’

Jam Packed

December 1, 2017

And now.

Just chilling in my bunny slippers.

It’s been a busy week and I can’t believe tomorrow is Friday.

I mean.

I’m hella happy it’s Friday, it just seems incredulous to me that the end of the week is almost here.

Of course that speaks to the amount of things that I have been juggling.

Just a few things.

Practicing my lecture for the People Who Usually Don’t Lecture series.

They posted my headshot today and the nicest write-up.

I was really quite taken with what they wrote about me.

It was really flattering.

They took the bio I sent them yesterday and extrapolated it and made it more personal somehow and also a bit more polished.

It was nice to see it and I shared it to my social media.

It’s going to be interesting whatever happens as I will be getting quite a bit of exposure from it, I’ve been dark on my blog for months now, since May, nearly seven months, for the sake of working with my therapy client, so this will be a kind of exposure I haven’t had in months.

I’m reconciled with it.

I doubt, highly doubt that any of my clients will stumble on this, despite social media and it’s far reach, but the video will be posted to YouTube and I do wonder about that.

Then again.

I’m not that fucking special.

Although my supervisor forewarned me that there will come a time that as a therapist I will have a client stalk me.

Great.

Thanks for the cheery news.

I didn’t share with him that I have been stalked before.

I’m not sure how I would take it a second time.

I’m sure, though, that I will respond to it far differently.

Anyway.

I’ll be out in the public eye for a moment and then something else shiny will be in the eye of the public and my ten minutes of fame will dissolve into the ether.

I’m excited to do it and have the experience.

I think that’s the biggest thing, it’s a cool experience to get to have and I’m excited for that.

I like experiences.

I’ve had an idea vaguely growing in the back of my mind that I may have to take a little mini road trip in my new car once I clear the hurdle of the semester.

Maybe go see some lighthouses.

Drive down the coast.

Just a little jaunt.

I think that could be a lot of fun.

I don’t however, have much room in my head for figuring that out.

I’m just trying to make it through the next seven days until I hit my last weekend of classes.

I have plenty to do in that seven days.

I’m going to knock out the rest of the online stuff and get at least one of my papers written this weekend as well as crafting the worksheet I’m going to hand out to my classmates in my Transpersonal Psychology class as part of my final group projects.

Gah.

I hate group projects.

I got a bit overwhelmed with one of the people in my group over the last couple of days and I realized this morning after reading another text that I was just being anxious and that I could respond with kindness and just let her know I was doing my best to manage my overwhelm, that I would contact her regarding the project, but she was going to have to wait until Sunday.

And it all worked out and after some more messaging later today, it feels like it’s coming together and I’m going to be ok.

What with the rehearsal I have resigned myself to not getting all the paper writing done that I was hoping to get done, but I will finish at least one of my papers and hopefully get a good start on the second.

I also, note to self, still have to write-up a dream for Jungian Dreamwork, not a hard thing, but a two pager that still has to be done.

And that needs to be done before class as well.

The final paper for that class is due the 15th of the month.

Fuck.

December.

Tomorrow.

It’s December.

How the hell did that come up so fast?

I have decided one thing though.

I will let myself get my Christmas tree when I finish and turn in my Jungian Dream Work final paper.

That will be incentive.

And it will be a fun thing to reward myself with when I am all done with the semester.

I had briefly entertained the idea of getting the tree this upcoming weekend, but no way, too fucking busy.

Then I thought.

Maybe when I wrap up classes for the semester, next Sunday.

But then.

I realized that it would be the best feeling if I did it when I had absolutely nothing hanging over my head and that won’t be until I hand in every last piece of work that the semester is demanding.

Then.

The tree.

It makes it more special.

It will be a way to mark the end of classes and a sweet way for me to celebrate.

I can almost smell the evergreen now.

Sigh.

Three final papers.

One dream reaction paper.

Finish my online portion for Psychopharmacology.

And.

Do the final project presentation work.

Just a few things standing in between me and that Christmas tree.

But no worries.

I will get it done.

I always do.

Always.

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Five Ibuprofen

June 26, 2015

And broken blood vessels in my left eye.

“It was a long day,” I sobbed into the phone earlier to my friend.

I hadn’t realized I was hemorrhaging in my eye until after I had taken a shower and was drying my hair.

First time since I have been in Sonoma that I have dried my hair, I have been in and out of the pool so much that I just resigned to chlorinated pool hair and have kept braiding and re-braiding it.

But in hopes of not actually getting into the pool tomorrow, which I don’t think is going to happen, I feel an uneasy premonition that I will be flying to LA with wet hair, I took a long shower this evening and deep conditioned the hair and dried it off.

I was putting lotion on my face and reconciling how I was going to pack so that when I was ready to go I can just go, but if I should need anything I can also easily access it, when I noticed the blood in my left eye.

Damn it.

I haven’t had that ever.

I have been diagnosed with stress migraines before, but the broken blood vessels showed up on the backs of my eye, this is a first for me.

It doesn’t feel like a migraine, though at one point I could tell something might be coming on, I suspect it was from the sudden outburst of tears on the phone with my friend.

A friend I had to call up earlier and say, um, guess what?

We don’t have reservations to the Self Discovery Center Bed and Breakfast Inn any longer, they’ve been cancelled.

I received an e-mail this morning letting me know that the center had unexpected plumbing problems that were going to take weeks to resolve and they were shutting down the center until said plumbing issues were fixed, my room reservation was cancelled, so very sorry, best of luck finding new accommodations.

Fuck my mother.

Damn it.

I mean, I’m more annoyed now than I was at the time I received the message.

Probably because it was at the beginning of the day, I had just had lovely breakfast poolside–oatmeal with banana and chopped raw almonds, sprouted pumpkin seeds, and blueberries and the perfect hard-boiled egg, along with a couple of cups of coffee before it got too hot to enjoy drinking coffee.

Plus, I was riding high from the lovely time I had in Sonoma yesterday and a nice phone call at the end of the night outlining all the fun that was to be had in LA this upcoming weekend.

I can’t even fathom that right now.

It’s been a long day and I’m struggling to not cry, partially because I am a vain monster and don’t want my eyes to be all blood-shot and partially I don’t really want to be seen as emotionally so off-balance.

But I am off kilter.

The heat and the length of the day today, the visiting family leaving, the high emotions of the boys as they said goodbye and cried because their friends were leaving.

It all took a toll.

But.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Not that the tunnel as been all that long or deep or dreary.

It’s just been what it’s been and yes, Virginia, I have had feelings.

And I have one day left and then a first class flight down to LA to see my friend and do the museums and play.

I mean play.

I also have the biggest hugest most gigantic hug to give him.

He’s been my lighthouse in the fog.

An absolute beacon.

A steady thread of sunshine through this week and a cause, in and of himself, for me to celebrate.

Not to mention all the other things that have happened, like you know, getting a full, well almost full, ride go to graduate school.

I sort of keep forgetting that.

My friend has called every night or I have called him and we have talked and down loaded our days and each of us has been there for the other doing what friends do, being vulnerable and saying the words that need to be spoken.

And hearing what the other person is saying.

I don’t feel as though I am speaking to a stone wall, I feel like I am connecting with another human being and that is such a gift that when I stop and see the fog is burning off in the sun I am amazed that I was ever afraid of the fog at all.

It seems that sometimes it will go on forever, the lonely wandering through the mists, but the light was there, is there, and I am not alone and I can do this and hey.

Look.

Tomorrow is Friday.

And it’s going to be a sunny day.

A little perspective.

Kind words and the encouragement to speak my heart and say what is really happening.

More perspective.

Jesus.

Am I ever glad for someone else’s perspective.

I do not see myself very well, through a glass darkly you could say, so when someone, in a matter of seconds can tell me what he sees, what is the truth of the matter comes out and I am made aware that I was again have been looking at smoke and mirrors.

I am lovable and worthy of love.

I am enough.

I do a really good job.

And I work really hard.

I am seeing the fruits of my labor and they frighten me a bit, it is so easy to shy away from the accolades and the abundance and say, “no, no, really, I’m not worthy.”

But I am.

And in my heart.

I know it.

It just gets foggy in there sometimes.

My friend pulled me through and my heart feels so much better and well, thank god for friends.

Thank God.

“Keep it light and bright,” my best girl friend said to me.

Yes ma’am.

Light and bright indeed.

 Inside my empty bottle I was constructing a lighthouse while all the others were making ships.

-Charles Simic


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