Posts Tagged ‘lightness’

Crazy Thinking About You

July 9, 2017

Crazy the things we do.

The nuances of you.

Shimmer shine.

The way my face has changed because of you.

I can’t get enough of you.

You take me places I never knew existed and promise me more.

I feel full of star shine, moon shine, shine, shine, shine.

The way you shine at me.

Makes me feel full of bubbles, full of laughter.

It spills out of me.

Falling on the floor.

Bouncing and alive with joy.

So, so good.

I cannot ignore you.

I would not choose to.

I would have to ignore what I have become.

And I cannot.

I have changed.

I have become more myself.

I understand it now.

Completed me you did not, complimented me, perhaps.

Subsumed me and made me something new, something different.

Wonderous and alive and more fully myself.

You saw me.

And in the seeing I saw me and I became more.

More alive.

More in love.

Constantly graced in that space that is you.

Your face framed by my hands in the misty light of sunshine drifting through the

Bamboo shade and the tendrils of sea fog, a muffled light that made you more beautiful.

Catching my breath and holding your face between my palms I made myself memorize

Your face, your eyes, the romantic filter so fitting it was almost verbose in love imagery.

Suffocating in beauty.

Thralled and smashed with you and all you bring me.

Burned down.

Built back up.

I could sing forests alive and flowers to bloom.

I could dance the moon from the sky for you.

I blossom with the magic that is you and wonder at my own reflection in the mirror.

Who is this woman?

Shimmering with happiness.

Radiant in love.

Incandescent for you.

The sun shone on your face and I basked in its reflection.

For it loved you as I love you, illuminating all that is bright and dark.

Gilding you with gold.




All of you.

So bright.

I see that in my face.

That light that is you, shone on me.

And now I shine with that same light.

I am.


Because of you.


All that light.


All of it.




You Look Great!

April 11, 2016

Did you lose weight?

Just the weight of having made it through the school weekend.

It is a heavy weight to carry sometimes, and as my TA in The Clinical Relationship said to my group this afternoon as we were parting, “you did really hard work this weekend, I just want to acknowledge that.”

Thanks man.

It was big, big, big work.




I am almost done with the work.

I still have a paper to write, a paper that the professor actually gave us some more time to address.


If I don’t want to write it tomorrow at work, I don’t have to.

Although, it’s probably for the best to bring my laptop and my reader, my notes, and just kick it out and deal with it.

Sometimes more time does not actually help me in the process of writing.



I can procrastinate this a little longer.




Get it done.

Then relax.

“God, I open my big mouth sometimes,” she said to me afterward, “I just blurted out what I was seeing,” she said with apology.

“It’s ok, it’s nice to hear, I don’t own a scale, so I actually couldn’t tell you if I had lost weight,” I replied.

“Your face, it just looks amazing, maybe it’s because your hair’s down, I don’t know that I have ever seen it down.”  She gazed at my face, puzzled, “it’s just, it’s beautiful, your face, you look so, so light.”

I smiled.

And I do feel light.

I was happy today at school.

I got up with a decent amount of sleep.

I had a great first class of the day.

I connected with my two favorite ladies in the cohort and made plans with both of them for future time to spend together.

Slumber party next school weekend!

That will be such a blast.

I also participated and felt really good with what I contributed to class.



I got a text message from my Tuesday evening date asking how I was.

Lovely, sir.

I am just lovely.

He’s out of town, but shall be returning this week.


I’ll be well rested.


I may also have another date this week, I’m just playing it by ear and letting whatever happens happen and enjoy the fact that I don’t have to focus on any one man.

I am having fun, remember?



I am happy.

I am tired.

It was a long weekend.

But I feel good.

Really good.

I feel loved and blessed and held.

I have friends.

I have a home.

I have school.

I get to do these amazing things and have these deep, effective, moving, my God, how emotionally moving some of this is, experiences.

I got my last assignments for the final weekend of classes.

I got papers to write people.


I also have time.

And there is reading.

And there is time.

There is abundance.

There is lightness.

And purpose and magic.


I’m listening to The Listener’s album again, “Wooden Heart.”

It is so good.

So good.

Oh, my clamoring heart.

I am such a fucking lucky girl.

I almost took a nap today after I got back from class, I was pretty darn wiped out, but I stayed awake, went over to Thai Cottage and got myself some pumpkin curry and brown rice, came back here and read for a while.


I did not read for school!

So proud of allowing myself a nice forty-five minute chunk of leisure reading, , John Irving.

A book I started last summer.

Last fucking summer.

I started it in Sonoma, at the house in Glen Ellen where the family I work for rent a place for a few weeks and have their summer vacation in some weather that actually acts like summer.

I can’t remember the last time I started a book and didn’t finish it.


I started that piece of literature on a study break from school work and then, well, I just went straight to Burning Man and then straight back to school and then straight back to work and repeat, well, take out the going to Burning Man part, but I have just been reading and writing and doing school.

I pulled it off the shelf nestled into my chaise lounge, sipped on a cup of tea and read.

It was delicious.

But I was getting too sleepy and almost nodded off.


I put on some music and danced around and got my blood up.



I pumped up the tires on my dear, beloved, and not much ridden bicycle.


I took the whip out for a ride.

It felt so good to be in the saddle, to be in my body, and not in my head, not thinking, not processing emotions, not in a therapy dyad with a new therapist learning how to do her deal practicing on my emotional playing field.

From the moment I wheeled her out of the garage, it was like I hadn’t been off her at all, but the truth is, I have.

It’s been a month?

After I go the parking permit for work, I’ve been taking my scooter and my bike, well, she’s gotten a little dusty.

My body did not forget the motions, my legs pistons, my hands light on the handle bars, the wind soft, caressing on my face, lifting the curls up off my neck, and I am one with the bicycle and flying down 46th Avenue.




The sunset at Moraga and 46th, the smell of beach bonfire drifting upwards, the salt, the ocean, the light of the bouncing off the pearlescent clouds.

The joy in my heart.

That’s what the woman saw.

The joy in my heart writ large on my face.

I cannot tell what part or the work informs the whole the most, I just keep moving believing that it is all love, brightness, light.

Rapturous with love.


Perhaps hallucinatory with needing to sleep.

But let me just stick to the love part.

That’s the best anyway.

Love me, my love.

As I love you.

The raven with the moon in its mouth.

The song on my sleeve.

The music of the spheres.







All The Love

January 14, 2016

I have been feeling it all day long.

It’s pretty fantastic.

Today is a special anniversary and I was reminded all day long how graced I am, how much God is in my life, how amazing and just plain fucking awesome it is to be alive.

I had a great day with the boys at work.

I even agreed to work a holiday, which I did not realize I had off-Monday.

In return, one of the days I’m in New York is now not being accounted for.

So my little jaunt to the Big Apple in May will only eat two of my vacation days rather than three.

Plus I’ll get a little over time next week and a few more bucks in my pocket.

Which will be nice as I am going to get a tattoo after all.

Not a big one, but I do really like getting a tattoo on my anniversary or there about.

I’ll be hopping over to see a friend at Let It Bleed in the good old Tenderloin on Sunday after I get out of class to add a star to my neck.

Eleven years.

Eleven stars.


It was funny too, I was thinking about it, a bunch of friends got black star tattoos today at Body Manipulations for a David Bowie tribute and I thought, yeah, I’d love that, but um, can’t bring the kids I nanny to the tattoo parlor, you know.

My artist I normally work with is in Alameda and yeah, I know, it’s not that far, but my schedule is pretty tight and I just want one star.


I thought, to myself last night as I was tossing and turning, sleepless, it took forever to fall asleep, I had so many thoughts running through my head, maybe I’ll just hop over to Castro Tattoo where my guy used to work.

Then I thought about my friend at Let It Bleed.

And who do you think I ran, or should I say “biked” into on the way to work.



He was crossing Masonic on his bike one way while I was crossing Masonic on my bike the other way.

We hollered at each other and it was like.

You know.

A sign from God.

Which I promptly forgot about until he tagged my social media post about the anniversary and we got to chatting and then to texting and the next thing you know.


This Sunday.

I’ll be getting another star.

Thank you very much.

And yes.

It will be a black star.

And it will look hella hot.

It will also go smashing with the new hair happening next weekend.

I have a lot of stuff on my plate, but man, it’s all such good stuff.

When I think about where I was last year and all the things that I have done and gone through since I turned ten, well, fuck, it’s been an incredible year.

I hadn’t applied to graduate school yet.

And here I am about to start my second semester in my first year of grad school.

I was freshly broken up with.

I was pretty raw about my dad.

I was in the dark hallway.

I’ve been happy, joyous, and free, most of the year, really, most of the time in the last eleven years, but sometimes, some years, some days, some weeks, they have been more challenging than others.

I don’t expect the work to get easier, but I do know that the results keep getting better.

And my happiness, my faith, deepens exponentially.

As long as I stay close.

As long as I do the work.

I get the results.

And it’s really good.

Life beyond my wildest dreams.

Even when it doesn’t go my way.

And often times it does, but just not in ways I was expecting.

Take for instance, I’m a tiny bit bummed, a lot really, that my friend in New York won’t be in New York when I am visiting–he sent me a birthday message today and I threw my travel dates at him–I was hoping for a hang out.

However, he’s in the Alps.

Doing an art project.

Because life if amazing.

And he offered me his place in Brooklyn while he’s away.

I have a place to stay in New York.


I am over the moon.

It is going to be so nice to have a spot to be.

I won’t have to dick around with getting in late, which I am, 10:30p.m. at night on a Thursday to JFK, by the time I roll into the city close to midnight, which might have been a challenge to check into a place.


I can just show up, be at my friends, not have to navigate an unknown place, and be settled.

I am so excited.

Plus, he’s in a good neighborhood in Brooklyn, so I’ll be hanging in the cool kids spots while I am there.

So psyched.

My whole life just has me so psyched.

It doesn’t often go the way I think it should, but it does go marvelously well, and sweet, and tender, with much love and grace and gifts that I don’t expect to receive.

I only hope I can give back a fraction of what has been given to me.

For I have been given so very much.

So much it makes my heart ache with joy to know the amount of love I have gotten to experience.

I am grateful.

I think you get that.

Full of gratitude.

Full of lightness.




Thank you.

Thank you so much for the best eleven years of my life.

I couldn’t have done it without you.

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