Posts Tagged ‘mask’

Heart Broken

March 5, 2019

Here I am trying to hit my once a week mark for my blog.

So sad.

I remember when it was every day and the streak was a long one.

I am happy to have a few spare minutes today though and I had an experience over the weekend that I thought I’d like to post about.

It does pertain to my recent heartbreak and break up and my love and my loss.

I am still grieving, I suppose I will for a little while yet.

I’m trying to just be nice to myself about it and when the sad comes let it.

I have stayed very busy through the weekend, although yes, I did actually sleep in on Sunday.

I woke up at my normal time, 6:30a.m. and then again at 7:30a.m. and I almost got up at 7:30a.m. but I was having a rather lovely dream of being with him and I literally thought I heard his voice in my room, so I buried myself in my pillows and said, I’ll just sleep another half hour.

Was I surprised when I woke up at 9!

I think I needed the sleep though and I definitely felt tender about my situation, but also some space and some gratitude for the experience seemed to be working on my heart and I was happy that was happening.

If tender.

Very tender.

Sometimes I completely forget.

Then I see something and it’s all there, the last 22 months, the first six months, the laugher, all the conversations, all the sweet nothings (which meant everything) whispered in my ear.

All the amazing sex.

Fuck the sex was good.

But if it was just all about the sex it wouldn’t hurt the way it has and does.

He and I both acknowledged that many times over the last year when we were really trying to figure things it.

It was that we were also best friends and that is a huge loss.

My person I talk to every day I haven’t spoken to in eight days.

Eight.

It feels like a lifetime.

I can’t imagine going another eight.

Yet.

I figure that is just what is going to happen.

Day after day will go by and one day I won’t miss him.

And one day I will be with the person who fully wants to be with me, can meet my needs and doesn’t have anything holding him back.

I don’t know when that day is, I’m not looking forward to it, I just know it will come.

The day I forget to miss him.

That is really not now.

I get broken up watching crows right now.

There was a joke he told me once, it was rather dark and a bit grim and funny as fuck and he said something about “like a crow laughing at a funeral,” and I just got it stuck in my head.

Thing is.

I like crows.

They’re smart, clever, live in social groups (appropriately called “murders”) and they mate for life.

I was fond of us being crows symbolically.

And of course two freaking crows nest in the neighbor’s house at work.

I see them all the time.

I tell them to send him my love and let him know I miss him.

Desperately.

I’ll see two crows playing and swooping through the air and sort of lose it.

I have a little pile of love cards and notes that I was planning on sending him in the mail, that’s been a part of our courtship, letter writing, and now they just sit desolate and sad on my desk.

There is no one else I can send them to.

I thought about it, but he said no contact by mail too when we ended it.

There really is no contact.

I haven’t blocked him on my phone (I suppose I’m wanting a miracle of change to happen) but social media and internet we’ve had no contact and haven’t been in each other’s social stuff for a while.

I was thinking about him a lot on Friday and missing him and also feeling a little lost thinking about a new client I have.

A couple.

And how I was going to see them the next day and some things I wanted to bring into the session and then I had the voice of doom pipe up in my head.

“How can you be a good couples therapist if you can’t even stay in a relationship?”

Cue some deep sighs and teary eyes, although I didn’t shed any tears.

Instead I directed my attention to the assignment I needed to do for my Creative Arts in Leadership class.

Which was about making a mask of my inner leader after having listened to a guided meditation.

I won’t get into all the details but to say I was instructed to have a question for my inner leader and I decided to go for that one, being a couples therapist who had failed at love.

It took me a while to get into the meditation, partially because it required me to be still and I know me, when I am still the feelings come and sure enough there they were, all marshaled up ready to let me know how much I missed him and how sad I was.

Sigh.

But I got through it.

To sum up the mediation we walked through a woods and came to a clearing and there was a structure there (for me a cottage in the middle of a big wildflower meadow, with a round door and a chimney jutting from the roof and lead paned windows) that we had to approach–our inner leader was there.

Mine opened the door before I could knock.

A beautiful older woman in her mid-sixties, with long silver-grey hair in braids wearing a simple sleeveless cotton shift, her arms and torso covered in blue woad tattoos.

I crossed the threshold and handed her my heart, I didn’t know until that moment I had been carrying it through the woods in my hands.

It was blackened and ravaged by crows.

I asked her how could I possibly be a good couples therapist if I had lost my love?

She didn’t say anything, simply took my heart and held it up to her face with a gentle smile and kissed it.

At once it turned into a beautiful shining apple.

She handed me back the apple and indicated that I should eat it.

I did and instead of going into my stomach the apple went into the empty space where my heart had been.

It took root at once and an apple tree immediately sprang forth loaded with shimmering apples in the golden sun.

I realized that the gift of the pain was a gift of experience I could give back to others.

It was sublime.

It was surprising and I came out of it with a grace and softness that I had not had going in.

I sat down at my desk listened to some Johan Sebastian Bach Cello Sonatas and made my mask.

Then, as per my assignment instructions, I wrote in my journal about the experience.

As I was wrapping it up, the voice of my inner leader spoke up, “who wants a couples therapist who’s never had their heart-broken?”

I scrawled that down in my journal and I knew it was true.

My life experiences are gifts that I get to give to my clients.

They may not accept them, that is not for me to decide, but I can offer them my experience and I believe it is valuable beyond words.

I’m still sad.

I miss my love so much.

But I also know the value of my experience.

Deeply.

I’ve never had my heart-broken before.

He was my first true heart-break.

Now I know.

Now I really know.

How bad it hurts.

Baby.

It hurts so bad.

 

 

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These Boots Were Made

April 18, 2015

For walking.

And that is what I did a lot of today.

No bicycle for me.

I had today off.

It was not much different, in some ways, then a normal Friday.

I just got up an hour later, what a treat, and did laundry a day early, also a treat, but instead of getting on my bicycle and heading to the Mission for work, I headed to Mission Bay, UCSF to visit a friend and her husband and their brand new baby boy.

It was really amazing to see the little nuclear unit and he is a delicious little boy, the cheeks, oh, I could write pages of words on those cheeks.

I might lose a reader or fifteen, but really, fresh baby boy cheeks, so lovely and divine.

Mama was looking great and I was honored to be holding the little guy not even 24 hours after he was born.

It’s a privilege, this life.

And to get to stare into the eyes of a fresh, new, human being, I felt so alive and hopeful and happy and awed.

And well.

All the things.

It was also an experience to be at the UCSF Children’s Hospital.

I remember when it was the old Burning Man offices.

I remember when I nannied out of that space and all the things that have come for me because of that experience, an experience I get to continue having, so grateful to get to be a playa nanny again.

It really is amazing.

And I was wearing my playa boots.

New ones.

I did pull the trigger, I found a great pair on sale on-line, not too expensive that if I trash them I’ll be horribly upset and not too cheap that they won’t wear well on playa and they are cute and shall be wearing them out tomorrow night as well to the Steampunk Masquerade Ball at NIMBY in Oakland.

I broke in the boots a bit today with the walking around.

After I tore myself away from the new baby and kissed my friend goodbye I headed to the Mission to do a little shopping for the ball.

Because, well, why not.

I had spent some time looking through my supplies and things last night and I looked over my spending plan for the month and I found a little wiggle room.

And I found a few things to wiggle into that room.

I went to the obvious place in the Mission for steam punk attire.

Five and Diamond.

Normally, not a spot I frequent.

Too expensive.

However, if one is savvy shopper, there are things to be found.

And I found the two things I wanted and both were on sale.

Yay.

I got a pair of navy ruffled bloomers high-waisted with three buttons running up the front panel and ruffles around the bottoms and tidy little ribbons on the side.

Normally $100.

On sale.

On sale.

And further on sale as they were the last pair in the store.

Final price.

$20.

Go me!

The other thing I picked up was a pair of goggles, $25, same exact style as the ones I have worn for the last five burns.

I won’t be wearing them tomorrow, it’s a masquerade ball, I’ll be wearing a mask, but I had to replace the ones that I lost last year.

It was time to replace them anyhow, I recall not being horribly upset that I had lost them as the lenses were scratched up with use, five years for a set of playa goggles is pretty good, especially when I think of how long I used them.

Then I popped into Multi-Kulti on Valencia, which is a like a discount “dance” store–like on a pole kind of dancing–and got a pair of KBell knee-high socks in grey (to match my boots) and black stripes with ruffled tops.

Plus a plain black mask.

I have another mask already, but you have to hold it, it’s on a stick and I know I am going to want to dance, so I figure a plain black one that I can slip on my face will do me much better than carrying around a mask on a stick.

Besides.

It was a buck and some change.

And then it was off to get my nails done and do the deal at Our Lady of Safeway.

But something lured me into Cary Lane.

And there.

Oh yes.

Just there.

That sweet spot.

You know it, I know it, when something sings out and it’s the perfect fit and the perfect dress for the occasion.

I felt pretty set with my ruffled bloomers.

I mean, I figure, wear my utility belt, my boots, some fishnets, the striped socks with ruffles, some makeup and a few flowers in my hair and boom.

Steampunk Masquerade Ball.

Oh.

I will compare and despair.

Hopefully I will keep it brief.

There are always going to be extraordinary, sexy, over the top, amazing people at these events, the costumery is just outstanding and my stuff is not really steam punk, but it will work and it’s cute.

Then I saw the dress and it is.

Not over the top with details and I might not coin it steam punk as a stand alone piece, but it’s damn close.

And it fits like a dream.

I was sort of shocked.

It’s not a style I normally try on and I just went for it and I am happy I did.

Regular price $137.

On sale.

$45.

Sweet!

So now I have a “costume.”

It’s not really a costume, but I will fit in and feel good and be pretty and I like that.

Being pretty.

It’s nice.

It’s a gift and I am grateful for it.

The dress is versatile too, I could wear it on a date.

Although, I have to stop asking.

Really.

Total sidebar.

I inquired after someone tonight.

Gay.

Gah.

Damn it man.

I’m done asking out as well.

The only way I am going to know for sure.

Is if the guy asks me out.

That’s it.

No more online dating.

No more asking out.

Done and done.

Tomorrow will be for dressing up and playing and hanging out with my friend and seeing old friends and maybe making a new friend or too.

I’m not going to focus on what I don’t have.

But what I have.

Fabulous friends.

New boots.

A beautiful new baby in my community.

A gorgeous new dress.

And somewhere to wear it too.

That is more than enough.

Abundance.

Prosperity.

Love.

More than enough.


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