Tired

But.

In a good way.

I got up at 6:30 a.m.

I didn’t get my full night’s sleep, but I got close, I had been up later than I wanted to the night previous, so I was ready for bed when it came last night, but my thoughts were busy being annoying, it took a little while to drop of.

But when I did.

Holy shit

I did.

Slept like a rock.

Grateful for that and that I don’t hesitate to getting out of bed when the alarm goes off, I don’t hit the snooze, I just get the fuck up.

I  read somewhere once that snooze actually back fires on you and it’s better to just get up and go, of course I could just be making that up, but that’s what I do.

I get the fuck up.

I got dressed.

I put on my interview shoes.

I peeped the weather.

Fuck yes!

The rain cleared and I was able to take the cover off my scooter and ride it down to my interview today with my new supervisor.

Yes.

That’s correct, my new supervisor.

I have another.

Score!

Very, very, very happy about that.

It’s a small piece, but I piece I needed to address and I’m so grateful to have it taken care of

And actually.

Scratch that.

It is a big deal and it was more than just a small piece, I put in some work to find this person, co-ordinate my schedule with him, ask questions, collaborate with the practicum placement office and do my homework.

And I showed up.

On time.

Early.

I found motorcycle parking by the Ritual Coffee house in Hayes Valley and I had a full punch card from when I was nannying by the Ritual in the Mission, so I scored a free latte and happily traipsed over to the office on the corner of Fell and Gough.

I let myself in using the code and went up the stairs.

I paced around the waiting room, paid the bathroom an unnecessary visit, just in case, and practiced breathing.

Then.

I met him.

My new supervisor.

We went into his office and talked for an hour.

I told him a little bit about me, how I came into the program, what I was planning on doing with the degree, first my MFT (Marriage & Family Therapist) license, then eventually my PhD in Psychology.

I told him about having taken one class as an undergraduate and then what happened when I was at Burning Man, yes that is where I decided to go to grad school, and how that experience unfolded and led to me applying to CIIS (California Institute of Integral Studies), how I balance my recovery with my work, and where I will be doing my practicum hours at.

We had talked for about a half hour when, and I’m not sure exactly when the shift happened, but it happened, and there I was saying, “well I hope that I will be working with you,” and then.

Then.

Then he looked at me, almost surprised, “oh absolutely, the slot is yours.”

Thank you God.

I opened up my binder and handed over my paperwork that I needed him to sign and yes.

He signed them.

Thank God.

And handed them back to me, I felt like I was handling precious metals and jewels so carefully and reverentially I put back those papers, 3/4s filled out, I just need my school advisor and the head of the department to sign off.

He’s one and the same for me, so that should be pretty easy.

Actually.

I should e-mail him too, set up a time to make sure that I had them to him, he signs, then I walk over to the practicum office and hand them off.

God damn it will feel so good to have this all sorted.

It basically is.

And I like my new supervisor quite a bit.

He happened to intern with my favorite professor, which was a serendipitous conversation, he’s psychodynamically inclined, also a hot modality for me, and he went through the same program that I am going through, so he has experience with the school.

Although he admitted he’d not worked with any interns that were getting their hours through the site I’m at.

And we talked about that.

And we talked about my schedule and we set our first date to do the work.

I will begin with him on Monday, April 24th.

I will meet with him once a week for three semesters while I am in school.

Every Monday morning at 9 a.m. for one summer semester, one fall semester, and one spring semester.

Three total semesters of practicum must be compete for me to graduate.

I will graduate from the program in May 20018.

And I’ll get to walk with that graduating class complete in my practicum.

A lot of folks don’t start their practicum until next fall semester, the majority of my cohort, from what I can tell will be starting then,  and they’ll be able to walk, but not graduate officially until after finishing the summer of 2018 practicum.

I will circumnavigate that and be free to walk as a graduate.

I am so down with that I can barely breathe.

I mean.

It’s a hell of a lot of work.

But.

As it was suggested to me today.

“Take a minute and appreciate what you accomplished today,” she admonished me over the phone, “don’t just jump into the next thing to be anxious about.”

Gah.

I know, right?

Because I was so ready to go there, but there is no there there.

I am allowed to enjoy this moment, this work has been, well, work, and I deserve to acknowledge to myself that I have been showing up to it and meeting it and matching it.

And I have a phone interview in the morning before work to secure a therapist.

Fingers crossed that will be taken care of tomorrow and then.

Shit.

I can go back to just “worrying” about my homework.

Bwhaahahaha.

Sigh.

I did that too, today, I did homework on my lunch break.

Maybe I take myself out to do something sweet this weekend, really take a moment to let myself enjoy what I have done over the last week and a half.

It’s been a lot and it is an accomplishment.

Yes.

There is more work to do.

But.

For right now.

Let me just.

Take.

A fucking.

Moment.

You did good today kid, you really did.

Seriously.

The Good News

Day one is done.

Twelve hours of classes.

9:15 a.m. to 9:15 p.m.

Granted there are some breaks in there.

Breakfast was served, and it was lovely and accommodating and the staff here is great and have been super helpful about my dietary stuff–namely no sugar no flour–so I have happily eaten and enjoyed eating.  My first night, first dinner, not so much, ended up being just salad, but since I spoke with the kitchen, all is well and the food is really good.

Then straight from breakfast into the first class setting.

Three hours.

Small break in that three hours and a lot of listening and note taking and writing and focusing and being present.

Then lunch.

Which was shorter than it seemed, since I was reading during it and also getting help from a fellow in my cohort who is super tech savvy and helped me figure out how to open the pdf file on my computer for my student loan deferment paper so that I could fill in the text part of it and electronically sign it.

Wow.

Was that a relief.

I was really grateful to have that taken care of then all of a sudden, hey, it’s time for class again.

Fortunately there is coffee on tap.

Although I had to parse it out later in the day, I did not want to be up zooming around with energy late tonight.

I just finished doing another stint of reading as well, just now, before getting to my blog.

Which, I have learned, without asking and I intuitively knew it anyhow, that we are encouraged to take some down time, to do some of our own writing or journaling.

Yes sir and ma’am I shall be doing so.

I need to download.

I need to decompress.

Hell.

It’s only the first day.

The fear is abating and I am getting into the groove of what is happening and learning the names of my fellows in the cohort.

Lots of different folks from all over, France, southern and northern California, India, Boston, New York, and of course many of us from the Bay area.

Friendships are quietly being made, not all are quiet though.

SHUT UP.

I want to say to the chatty Cathy in the next room.

Fortunately said lady is not in my cohort, but she is in my fucking personal space.

Grateful that there are quiet hours, which started 27 minutes ago and if she can’t pipe it down by the time I am done with the blog I may say something.

Nicely.

I don’t need to cause waves on day 1.5.

But I will need to sleep.

I got up today at 7 a.m. and that seemed to work for me.

Granted.

It was not fun to have to wait for the bathroom and I swear the person in the room across from mine heard my alarm go off and bolted for the shower before I could get there, but I got off to a good start and did my morning routine in and around going to breakfast.

My only gripe about the facilities, and it’s really a small one, is that the dining hall and the dormitories we are in are a bit apart from each other.

It’s about a ten minute walk from one to the other and I had to plan on what to carry with me to best utilize my time.

I suspect that is a skill I will be honing very well over the next three years, how to carry more with me, how to best utilize my time, how to maximize time and space to squeeze as much reading in where I can.

A couple of times I even wound up in the class room fifteen minutes early to get a jump, not really a jump, catching up on the reading that needed to be done prior to the class, and that was good.

Most of the students arrive right as the class is starting.

I have been well-trained to get somewhere fifteen minutes early.

I take that time.

I get organized.

I get myself situated.

I feel calm.

Then.

I read what I can before the class starts.

This is a habit I will develop.

It is akin to multi-tasking, but just a little different.

The time at meals, dinner too, being a time when I got as caught up on the reading as I could, but was quite sure to give myself the time to sit and decompress a little, to socialize, to sit next to people I had not sat next to earlier at lunch or breakfast.

Time to also vent a tiny bit with my fellow students and see where they were in the process.

I had breakfast with a second year student and shared about my reader snafu, having bought the wrong reader for two of my classes and she shared with me that she had not even read the readers before her first retreat in her first year having joined the school very late in the process and having just moved to the city.

I felt better and ahead of the game.

I never have felt completely out of my league and that is a comfort too.

Plus, one of my fellows loaned me a book that is important to the class I took this afternoon and evening and I spent an hour or so reading it after the class let out.

At 9:15p.m.

That still floors me.

To look up from the assignment and realize, oh my god, it’s after nine in the evening and I am still in a class room.

On top of being in the intensive classes and doing the reading, I also got to write reaction papers in my class, by hand, which was a relief, but man, I wrote four of them for one of the classes.

This is no joke.

This is some work.

But.

The good news.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

I had a moment of exquisite connection in a role-playing scenario where I was the therapist and the client interaction was amazing and I got it, I’m really going to do this.

I have felt that in little snippets all day long.

The contempt I had for certain aspects of the program have completely faded and I am present, accounted for and learning my pants off.

And with that.

I bid you adieu.

Time to sneak in a few last pages in the reading before bed.

See you bright and early.

Graduate school boot camp day two!